How long before his true colors show??

How long before his true colors show??
1

It's going on 9 months since no contact with exn! Recently I heard that he is jobless got fired and is on unemployment and trying to do side jobs and personal training! He is still professing how much he loves ow on his fb . I'm starting to doubt that he is a narc and doubting myself I know I have come along way but how long can exn pretend before his true colors show?? I'm starting to think that maybe she is the one he really loves and he just didn't see me that way! Either way I know he wasn't responsible, used me and dd me and my daughter!

Scoop's picture

We did a poll on how long it

We did a poll on how long it took for the mask to slip with the narc a few months ago and it seemed to be between 3 and 4 months on average . xx

Susan32's picture

Comfort level

I had a morbidly obese Narc coworker-he had evaded paying child support-he bawled over getting caught, not having to provide for his children. Early on, he charmed people. He acted all sweet, that he was big&lovable. He'd call himself a "big teddy bear." He didn't mind being called a big baby... he loved it (oddly, calling the ex-Psych prof a baby was something he found offensive&ran from, which I was I do it to him)

Within a few weeks, he got me alone. He said, "Can you help me?" I wanted to help him, he was new. He demanded that *I* make sure he have a pitcher of grape juice in the refrigerator every day (this was at a nursing home, the juice was for the residents) I fought back, asking him why couldn't he make it himself. I'd label prune juice as grape juice. He pouted when I told him that if he wanted grape juice, he should make it HIMSELF. He was almost 40. I didn't exist to do his bidding. When he drank some of the prune juice, he snapped at me, "That's your way of saying 'f**k you!'" He'd condemn me as a terrible, pathetic person. Never mind he didn't like it when *I* cussed, tho he called his wife a b*tch all the time.

When an N/P feels comfortable, that's when the bullying begins.

enpsychopedia romantica's picture

Gosh Susan--

I would have told Mr. Teddy Bear how sorry I was about the prune juice screw up and then promptly handed him a urine sample. "Enjoy your apple juice!" LOL.

Jannie In the Sun's picture

Narcs Don't Change - They change people.

...and tactics. It really hurt when I found out my N grudgef@&ed another woman and I wanted to hate her for it. Then she too got d & d. I realized however that she was briefly the new me and I was the previous 'next'. My exN is on the hunt for his perfect mate. I consider him a preditor and a user. They don't change.

The world is full of women who will try very hard to make bad relationships work at the cost of their own happiness. It has been hard for me to think of someone else making him happy. This blog is full of us. I see my pain as a blessing as I get to find true happiness and freedom from the abuse of a narc. Time and NC is helping.

Ask yourself if you really want to be with a narc? Tell yourself over and over that you deserve better! Say it till you Believe it! and be kind and loving to you and your daughter.

Peace n love

SoaperGirl's picture

Classic Narc - Always on the prowl for the perfect mate

Just like my narc. Ugh! I'm getting so I even hate to say that phrase "My Narc". Getting so it makes me want to puke just saying it! Well, he's into his perfect mate right now. The last picture I saw of him, he looked old and withered, and insecure - I'm sure not for long (the insecure part - he'll always look old, ugly and withered). I expect soon as he feels comfortable, his bullying of the OW will begin.

onwithmylife's picture

Soaper girl

I mentioned to you my narc is in his late 60's and i have a theory as to why he would not meet me one last time, even sent him a postcard asking if we could meet to give me closure, it was a very tasteful message i sent him, heard nothing back and never will, for me i think because he doesn't want me to see what an empty shell he is, living the life of a hermit, except for shopping, library, etc., he was always very prideful and i seriouly wonder if i would recognize him physically, emotionally, mentally, etc, also the ED problems at the end really killed his sense of self worth.

SoaperGirl's picture

onwithmylife, you could be right - I'd love to see sources beari

I want everything in my narc's life to fail, I want him to die alone, lonely and miserable. Right now, he's living with this new OW by about 3 1/2 months. So, he should getting plenty of NS.

His mask should be slipping about now. I was surprised when I saw the most recent picture of him, that he looked so thin and ill at ease (it was taken at the OW's home that he's currently shacking up with her in).. His behavior sounds like classic narc, living with the OW rent free of course.

Anyway, yeah, he didn't look all that confident as you might expect..the ED I'm sure is taking it's toll (yes, my narc is age 66 and looking every day of it)! I love it that he's so completely inadequate to function at all as a man. Wow! What a prize the OW is getting having to support the bum and wait on him hand and foot! Hahaha.

I confess in recent months following my D&D, I kept digging at him about how old and ugly he's looking and aging badly (very fast!) hahaha.

Seems to me if a narc can erode a normal person's confidence, the "victim" can return the favor by eroding the narc's confidence. That's my theory. I'd love to see sources bearing this out.

I was amazed that he was able to attract such a successful and well-to-do woman who took all his bait just like I did (I bet I don't do it again!).

How many more women can an aging, pot-bellied, balding asshole, with raging ED attract? That's what I want to know!

Susan32's picture

I've seen it with my own two eyes

Your Narc can have my ex-Psych, because the ex-P will probably want a father figure when his Daddy passed on. (My former Narc boss had a boyfriend old enough to be his Dad, and the age difference is right-your Narc is 66, the ex-P will be turning 50 in 2 years)

"The 'victim' can return the favor by eroding the Narc's confidence"-That's why I sometimes thought *I* was the Narc. Over 4 years, the ex-Psych prof went from being tanned, slim&handsome (he could've gotten a modeling job in LA if he brushed his teeth) to being paunchy&drunk. His alcoholism went from being a rumor... to being out in the open. During the final D&D, he had an off-campus class that consisted of... consuming wine (now I live in a part of the country where wine is the primary industry, go figure) He became a fat drunk. His teeth worsened.

"That's my theory"-There's truth to it. When victims better themselves, their abusers DO get worse. In "A Star is Born",as the leading lady (played by Judy Garland, or Barbra Streisand) improves herself... her alcoholic husband gets increasingly worse. He drinks himself to death. Your theory is... TRUE.

After the ex-P D&D'd me, he impregnated his girlfriend as some proof of virility/heterosexuality, knowing he HATED pregnancy/children... and there were rumors that his girlfriend was a lesbian. He's stuck with two mouths to feed, because she had twins. His parents moved in with him... and believe me, when he was in Santa Fe on his own, he LOVED being far from them for the first time. He enjoyed 5 years of freedom before Mommy&Daddy moved in.

I think I was his Waterloo... he had a Napoleon complex, short man's syndrome anyhow.

Victims can destroy their abuser's confidence... by being HAPPY, SUCCESSFUL, and being themselves. It's called Narcissistic Injury, and it can be inflicted in pleasurable ways.

Revenge isn't so much raining down wrath... as it is being HAPPY. Your HAPPINESS will remind him how UNHAPPY he really is.

Jannie In the Sun's picture

My Narc

I'm sure his is hot as molten gold to his new source of NS and always so in his own twisted reality. There is always another one waiting. I feel sorry for the next ones and the previous ones too. We may just be chatting to some of them right on this website. Good thing we can finally be free of those kind of predators!

Yeah, you're right on the reference. I think I have been using my exN but that still sounds possessive. Ok, how about The exN. I hate to objectify him which is how they treat others. Hmmmm....

Susan32's picture

Old men

The ex-Psych prof said he looooves "War and Peace" because it's about old men. True, the leads Pierre and Andrei are fairly young, but there's the old General Kutzov (who defeats Napoleon), the elderly Nicholas Bolkonsky, lots of old guys.

Maybe the ex-Psych prof and your former Narc could hit it off. The ex-P was into older men... his father, especially (not the usual mama's boy emotional incest, his heart belongs to Daddy)... as was my former Narc boss.

He'd old, ugly, withered.... the ex-P would probably think HE had found HIS perfect mate! If your former Narc doesn't mind the companionship of a paunchy younger man.

Steph's picture

Jannie In the Sun

"Narcs don't change - they change people"

yes! and I think you are so right in saying that we were ALL the "new woman" at one time. They didn't change for us, they won't change for any in the future.

xoxo

Susan32's picture

As soon as you have needs

The ex-Psych prof went into D&D mode my freshman year when I was grieving the loss of my grandfather. He'd demonize me for it, tell me that I should kill myself (he was obsessed with suicide in an unhealthy way), tell his male disciples how he wished I'd drop dead, tell my classmates I was crazy. No wonder it's called trauma bonding. I was far from my parents for the first time when I went to college, I had lost my grandfather.... and the ex-P went into trauma bonding mode.

Leo Tolstoy threatened to kill his wife Sofia or abandon her to join the army when she was in pain after childbirth. In "War and Peace",Prince Andrei is "fed up" with his wife Lisa as soon as she's pregnant. He abandons her... his physical/emotional abandonment causes her death in childbirth.

The ex-P got his girlfriend pregnant around the time I left NM... and I think her carrying twins made her FAR "needier" than I had ever been. Unless she, too, was a Narc.

SoaperGirl's picture

My Narc is retired

But heavily in debt! Since he is living in her home now, it's to his advantage to cover up his real self...I think she'll still see flashes of it, but a lot seems to depend on how throughly he's brainwashed her. Seems to be a lot at this juncture.

The little that I know of her, indicates she's a strong willed woman, so she may not be willing to kowtow to his needs for long without expecting a lot more from him which he's not going to be able to supply.

She believes she's got a good man last I heard (from his public performance), but I know he's terrified of intimacy and has a scorching case of severe ED. She's going to end up terribly disillusioned, he will not give up control without punishing her. It's gonna end bitterly!

It is after all, all about him - her needs don't count in his mind! Part of me would love to be a fly on the wall when the shit starts hitting it - but perhaps its best I'm not, and I'll be far, far away. hahaha.

Their relationship is toast. I just want to be long gone and indifferent by the time it turns up its toes and ready to be tagged in the coroner's office.

Susan32's picture

What is it with debt?

In "War and Peace", the ex-Psych prof's favorite novel, Nicholas Rostov marries Princess Maria to pay off his debts... her money makes her desirable, so he dumps his childhood sweetheart Sonya. The ex-P would talk about how much he needed to pay off his debts. He'd be asking me how much I inherited from my grandfather... I didn't tell him... well, I didn't know. It's no wonder he D&D'd me for a curator, because I think curators make more $$$ than professors.

My Narc grandmother who recently moved back here to California was disastrously in debt.

SoaperGirl's picture

What is it with debt?

Because they are frequently poor money managers and don't save for when they get old or become disabled.

Susan32's picture

Women paying all the bills

I had a former Narc coworker recently... he was fired. He'd come to work drunk. His girlfriend made LOTS more $$$ than him. She was in the high tech business, he was a cook. But she'd also have mysterious injuries. He'd talk about her breaking her wrist, breaking her ankle... this was a guy who also threw plates when he was angry. SHE was the one who defended his job, not him.

The morbidly obese Narc coworker depended on his barista/manager wife. He'd brag about how he didn't have to work, because she made so much $$$.

The ex-Psych prof was dependent on his girlfriend/wife...until he got her pregnant. He had lived in an apartment before he met her.... he got a HOUSE when they were together. I don't know if she's still a curator or still in the picture.

He wanted me to support him. He idolized/identified with Leo Tolstoy. Leo made tons of $$$ as a novelist. Yet he made his wife, Sofia, in charge of finances&running the estate. Of course, he resented her for it and made sure she&the kids were impoverished when he died. His widow&children were dependent on the Czar's pension... because he withheld support, even in death.

Vilde's picture

to SG

I 100% agree with you ! Mine had only debts. Good salary - but huge debts.

He doesn't save money - he can't resist to spend them on his hobby (and ONLY the hobby !!!!! nothing else matters!)

Same as your N ,dear SoaperGirl, mine ALWAYS lives with his woman/friends/brother.... he hated me a lot, because I was the exception. As a foreigner I had to live with HIM , in his country etc. so HE HAD TO BUY A FLAT ! HE HATED THIS FLAT !!! He didn't want to invest in this place. It was me - poor,unemployed girl, who got some money from parents to buy the cutlery, pillows,towels etc.

Even if so - he WASN'T GRATEFUL! HE hated all this stuff. The biggest trauma was to spend money on me (aka - feeding me, because he NEVER bought me anything else).

He moved very fast to the new OW,and as I know, he wanted to sell his apartment as soon as possible. Now the situation is "under control" - SHE PAYS all bills.

He did everything to HIDE his bank accouts/credit cards etc. from me. He was TELLING ME he has debts. Maybe it is a lie?

Maybe he is a millionaire, but rather die than spend a penny on other people.

So far - he is 100% parasite. He drains other's wallets.
Poor me - I don't have money, my parents are not rich... my situation was determined from day 1 - I couldn't give him any money.

mynewlife2011's picture

He has no job

He needs her just to support him. He might be on good behavioe for awhile, until he is gainfully employed that is

findingmeagain's picture

Yup but there will still be

Yup but there will still be slight signs. I know my N is with a woman giving him money also smh. When he D&D'ed me lol he said I tried to mess up his situation lmaooo! I said how I wasn't the one who told you to come over here playing with my feelings for 10days. Then he said I told her the truth on facebook and that was how lmfaooooooooo!!!! I said oohhhh so she knows she wasn't special lol its going to take you overtime to get her back programmed . what a royal azzclown !!!!

SoaperGirl's picture

The figures I generally hear are 3-6 months

Having listened and read everything I can, most narcs can't keep the mask in place more than 3-6 months without it slipping. It's likely she's seeing flashes of his real self from time to time, but not making the connection that something weird is going on with him.

My guess would be at this point, is that he likely is showing himself through punishing behaviors, and she's hanging on to him tooth and nail, hoping to save the relationship which I would think is likely undergoing a slow death.

As for the pubic persona, that's what they want us to believe is going on that everything is just fine and dandy. Behind closed doors however, could be a completely different matter with cracks and pain.

If the relationship is indeed failing, they would be hardly likely to make it public knowledge at this point. Narcs are all about image, control and power! We won't know for sure until the relationship has fallen apart, which I think it is in the process of doing so. JMO.

I don't claim to know, but it is what I've personally experienced and what I've heard others say.

Vilde's picture

his mask

3-6 months? Hmmmm..... well, then I am not surprised he decided to go to the Afghan war zone for 6 months just right after he started the new "relationship" !!!

This way he is "earning" 6 extra months before he 'll be unmasked.

In my case we were in touch online only for the first 2,5 year (I didn't want to be more than friend with him then).
As soon as I moved in to his apartment, he told me, he is "not feeling these wonderful butterflies in a stomach anymore".

Reality killed them. I killed them,because I didn't let him to be free and do what he wants.

He said coldly : "I felt them only in internet."

So it took 3 years to unmask his real ugly pretador face.

I guess the new OW, who knows him IN REAL ONLY will figure the shit out quite fast, so that's why he must go abroad.... Even if the abroad is the war zone....

Jannie In the Sun's picture

Ditto

Sounds like the same guy I was with. Wow - you described him to a T! My exN is in his late 40 s and his longest relationship ended with a suicide. He spun that story to make himself sound like a Victim and a noble father and therefore gains empathy from his suppliers. He has a flawless image but up close he was a completely different person. It took about 3 months. I hung on too - confused. As I later found out about the many failed relationships he had been through and that he calls them all crazy, the pieces started to fit into an ugly picture. Halmark of a true N.

Steph's picture

It depends on how much time

It depends on how much time they spend together and other things......but from what I have read around the board, they usually start showing their true colours within the first year.

Mine showed his true colours after a few months.....i just excused them away.

Chances are he could have shown her his true side already, but she is brainwashed.....and well, you know how that goes!

Don't second guess yourself. When a NORMAL relationship ends.....you don't find yourself on a support site for narcissism abuse survivors.

Something brought you here, remember that.

xoxo

whoknew's picture

so true

EXACTLY! that is how i feel about it. something lead all of us here!!!! i keep thinking about that. whether or not they are a full blown narc or just have some strong tendencies, THE RELATIONSHIP IS/WAS UNHEALTHY!!!! you are just going thru a period of doubt like we all do. stay strong and dont doubt yourself!

mynewlife2011's picture

period of doubt

yeah that period of doubt can last a long time too. Please allow me to explain:

I was my ExNH 2nd wife. His first wife he D&D after 7 years of marriage and 2 kids, only I was too blind to see through his lies. I really feel bad for his first wife because she turned psychotic over it. She has probably thought for years now...well he has been remarried now for almost twice the amount of time I was married to him, so it must have been me...>NOT..I should have kicked him out after year 1, I just put up with him and took the abuse for a lot longer. Once the kids came, I felt I had no choice because that is how I was raised- family first. That is until I realized he was about to make wife #2 psychotic from the routine D&D. We couldn't have that, I needed to stay healthy so that I COULD raise my kids. Still feel bad re:1st Ex wife. I do.

terri's picture

mynewlife2011

I commend you on your compassion for exwife #1. Now that I find myself in an OW situation (just starting), I'm surprised that I have NO envy for her AT ALL. She is really enjoying all of his attention now I'm sure but it won't be long before she won't be able to say a thing about herself when they're together and will have to sit and listen to him go on and on about himself ad nauseum.

Also, I think she is not only OW - I'm sure there are many out there. She seems pretty smart. She'll figure it out.

lostlove458's picture

Wow! Love your ending about

Wow! Love your ending about staying healthy for your kids! It tore me up when he d&d me and my daughter! He didn't even say goodbye then two weeks later he is i'n a relationship with new ow from facebook! Imagine that! He says they are a match made i'n heaven!

mynewlife2011's picture

it is all true

Your narc will not change, he will D&D the next girl too. The only time a Narc will stay is if there is something in it for him...like money

lostlove458's picture

Well from what I hear they

Well from what I hear they started spending time together very soon! She probably is brainwashed by now and I stayed i'n it for almost five years but I'm thankful to be out now especially since he is jobless! I'm glad he hasn't called like before or other times because I was alwYs there for him look for a job, fixing and faxing resumes! He was selfish and he said I was a sheep i'n wolfs clothing!

Steph's picture

You are a wolf in sheeps

You are a wolf in sheeps clothing??? PROJECTION!

I just posted this link in another thread but I think you might find it helpful too:) xoxo

http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/narcissist-victims-syndrome-survivor...

Redhead1's picture

It is really hard for me to

It is really hard for me to feel sorry for the OW. She is a reformed hard drug addict who has screwed half of the town. When I look at the phone records, it appears she chased him. I think smarter narc(OW) met dumber narc(my ex).

After coming out of the fog, I accept that he has been screwing around on me for years. Even though he denies it. He was caught physically by our son this last time, so no denying it.

I think she must have promised him the world and he believed it. She was and is engaged. I think she really just wanted to see if he would leave his wife (me) for her. Way I look at it now, he got what he dished me for 20 years. So karma.

It has been almost a year now (May 30) and I have come a long way babies!!! When I first arrived I could not even write my story because all of the gas lighting he had done. I had so little confidence in myself I couldnt trust myself to see what was right in front of my face. I have come out of the fog and see things through my own eyes now. He was a cheating, lying, self-serving, passive-aggressive, immature, shitty father, shitty husband. In general just a shitty person.

I don't know if any of you know Lafayette from True Blood. I am going to use his line. That freak I was married to for 20 years was a Devil in a Sunday Suit!!! He was screwing me over and convincing me I was crazy and the bad person. He had to cheat because I was a bitch. He had to blah blah blah because I blah blah blah. Its funny, the cold bitch has had plenty of people that truely know me to support me through this. He sits over there, I guess blaming me because his narc girlfriend didnt leave her fiancee. Although I never said a word about knowing about OW. Didnt really have to, everyone else did. The whole 20 years he blamed everything on his dad, for the next 20 he will blame me. It has been the worst year of my life, by far. But I wouldnt change anything now. It has been a journey, but well worth it in the end. Didnt mean to jack your post. I guess I just needed to get some stuff out. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, just don't lose focus. That light is YOU!