Do I Owe Him An Explanation?

Why is it that the more we show we care, the more they seem to despise us? You showed concern for his welfare, and he responded by throwing mean, spiteful shit in your face. All too familiar to me! That kind of behavior is NOT NORMAL and it certainly does not deserve to be fed or acknowledged any further. Not only does this guy not even come CLOSE to deserving an explanation, he wouldn't appreciate or understand it even if you gave one. I try to think of my N like poison ivy or bubonic plague or something. If you get close to him, you will end up miserable, hurt, and in danger. You are so right, these freaks are scary! STAY AWAY. And don't waste any more love, compassion, or kindness on someone who never practiced them in his life... Love -

If memory serves me correct.....I remember you and your narc a-hole. You are the gal that loves M&M's correct? I have often wondered what happened to you. I think I have the right gal? If not, I apologize lol In answer to your question....NO. You owe him NOTHING. Mr. "I'm an abusive asshole" will figure out himself what your lack of response really means. Do not worry for ONE more second about appearing "rude". You have put up with enough of his shit and you him NOTHING. Absolutely NOTHING. Mail his keys if you want, but otherwise, DO NOT engage further with him. As for his pillow.....mail it to ME and I will put it in my cat's litter box, where it will get the piss and shit it deserves:) I'm glad you have had NC for today. Keep it up. Stay strong and keep posting here. We are here for you:) xoxo

If you explain, they still don't get it. I broke up with my exN roughly 5 weeks ago. Going on 6. I said during a heated conversation where he was ranting and raving...''you know, think we should say goodbye.'' To that? He said...''eff you!'' Ok. Whatever. Then, he texted me something nasty. I replied that I wished him well, but I no longer make him happy. I pray he finds someone to make him happy. I can't keep trying to make someone happy...etc. That was the basic gist...trying to recall from memory. He went into panic mode the following day...texting and calling me non stop from work. He finally said...''please get back together with me. please.'' I was shocked by that, but ok. I caved. I went back. Less than 24 hours later, we were back to where we were -- he was worse than before! So...I decided to just ignore. He texted me the next day...when he was at work. As if nothing had ever happened. lol I ignored. He texted again. I ignored. This went on all morning, then he texted...''so, guess you're done with me again? Have it your way!'' It's nearly 6 weeks later, and he has tried baiting me on various occasions to call. He won't pick the phone up and just call. He wants me to call him no doubt...and probably say...ooohhh I made a horrible mistake. But, I certainly will not. It's the best decision I've ever made! So...the moral of the story. If your narc is angry, volatile...vengeful like mine? You're in for a ride. Sometimes, the silent treatment, while probably painful, might be better. I am now NC. But, I've broken it a few times, to reply to his nonsense. At one point, thinking we could be friends...but...noooo. He is very childhish, angry...and seeking revenge. I had to abandon a website we belong to, to get away from him. So...beware. Not trying to scare you, but if he is angry and rageful...he won't take ignoring him well. But, he won't take you ending it well, either. You won't win either way. But, end it. He is abusive, and you deserve better. Operation NC....go for it! :=)

Nope. Go "poof" and just disappear. Then enforce NC. You don't owe him any explanation. If you choose to notify him of anything to all, just give him the message (text or email), "I'm done with this relationship. It's over. I want NO CONTACT with you in the future." However, that's still much more courtesy than he gave you. As far as worrying about being rude, HE was rude (and abusive) to you. You owe him NOTHING. I would just throw his stuff into the mail and be done with him forever.

This is so so familiar, and in some ways a relief that others have had this too. I once asked him how his day was and he accused me of grilling him and snooping, another time he said "no comment" .... occasionally would scream at me to go away etc etc. ... just about identical to your story. So humiliating. I was also in the same position with belongings but managed to return them. God knows why we care about these people. Sometimes mine was like a lost boy. ... but the scenarios like you describe were awful. ... like asking what time he would arrive at mine, and being told that he wasn't on earth to shore me up or lessen my insecurity. When I said it was just so I could plan, he slammed the phone down. I am having a major wobble this week, but know that it won't get better, so the answer is no contact. Hugs

Mine did this stuff too. they think normal interest is "grilling" - they act out old stuff like they are rebelling from an over bearing mother - I am not over bearing.. This stuff is their problems not ours - don't internalize it - it is not personal, they will do this to anyone who gets too close, lashing out. I got trapped in this stuff for over 10 years! i tried to get out in 2004 and fell back in another 6 years - its hard starting over in your 50's! believe me, if you go through the pain now, you can have a good life soon and many opportunities... I took up an old sport that is a passion to help me get a new focus but i still struggle with the rejection - even though I know it is not about me...

SHIT!!!!! It is HE who owes YOU for the injustice he did to you. Unfortunately you will never get it.

you don't owe him a damn thing no one should treat another human being that way NC is the only chance we have of getting out

Do you like to be spoken to like that? Screw him, I swear they are all the same! The one who will suffer most is u! NC is the only cure!

You do not owe him an explanation, but..where you are at I have been. Return his key etc via fed ex with tracking, and change your number. You will be enduring this exact unhealthy, mixed messages repeat behavior thing with him 10 years from now if you do not get out now. NC is the way to go. If he doesn't call you for a few days and begin hoovering, it is because he has new source of NS. If that new source doesn't fit the bill for primary NS, he will be back to recycle and reuse you- trust me on this one. Save as many years of your young life as you can, and lean on us here when you feel weak. NC, NC, NC

He use to tell me all the time to "get a life" and those mean things yours said too. Stop downing yourself instead of screw me you should've said screw you you full of shyt narc . He would've quickly changed his tune and probably try to hurt you more or either put on the victim mask. Rip it off some more and tell him what he is and then NC.

I'm in the same boat as you today, I've stopped contact several times but haven't be able to last... Today I'm sitting here questioning myself as to whether I made the right decision or not and if I should call just to say hi... I know DEEP DOWN I'm doing the right thing... They're crazy, have no feelings, pretty much robots that do things because they see others do it. They've painted a picture we fell in love with but the things in that picture are NONE existant. DONT FEEL BAD- YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING! Don't contact him (thats what he's waiting for- so he can be in control again). Don't give him his things back, not now at least, because you have better things to be doing- like focusing on you and how to NOT CONTACT him. GOOD LUCK! Stay STRONG! Remember all the shit you've gone though- DO NOT allow it for one more day!!! Just dont!!! XOXOXOXO

You need to reavulate things and see where you are. You are addicted to this bad behavior. What he is saying and doing no one should be putting up with. I did the same thing so I know. You have to find your strength now and get away from him. You and only you can do this. You have to do all the work to detox from this guy. He's not going to get better one day. THis is is and trust me it only gets worse. He's a jerk!! A narc!! A piece of sh-t!! Try to take one day at a time of not contacting him ok? Don't give him that morning or evening call today or tomorrow. Just focus on each day. If I can do it anyone can. Trust me! I was in deep deep. Hugs!