Prinseis33's Story

Welcome to the forum. I will assume that since you've been reading, you have a general idea of what Narcissism is, so we don't need to go through that. What seems to be the challenge is the CD and perhaps some other issues that if you're lucky you'll be able to connect once you come down from the "stress" of it all. Right now the thinking is fuzzy, your mind has been scrambled like an egg and dealing with someone who has a PD and projects their insanity onto you will do that to you. It takes time to get out of the fog. Sometimes "unresolved" issues draw us into this kind of dysfunction, but not always. It takes being real honest with ourselves, but I am one to say that recovery has to be addressed in steps. The last thing someone new to this should do is assume BLAME. This was a disordered relationship with a disordered individual, that trumps at any type of blame, or flaw we can assume. That is not to say that later on there might be some more cleaning of the closet so to speak, but the emergent issue is getting out of the fog and being able to articulate and express and get it all out - purge it. Are we perfect? NO nobody is - BUT this was/is domestic abuse, mental abuse, emotional abuse and possibly physical and/or sexual abuse and there are a whole other set of dynamics involved. We stay in these disordered relationships for the most part because initially the perpetrator got to our HEADS first before he launched his attack - by the time we began to start having thoughts, we were already mentally screwed plain and simple. I posted something yesterday about triangulation and I believe in that article it discussed in part how the Narcs work. SO - you may or may not have other issues but the primary one that needs to be addressed initially is A. Accepting you were in an abusive relationship with someone who is personality disordered and all that entails and B. You were not to blame. Just those two things to start with...you can't take it all on and the fog needs to clear BEFORE you address whatever else you think MIGHT be a factor. One thing does not necessarily have to do with the other but once you are clear and the fog lifts, if there are issues, you can articulate and identify them better - you need to get out of the shock, trauma and mental cluster you're stuck in....just my opinion and I'm not a doctor or mental health professional, just sharing what I've gone through and have seen play out. When we try to take on too much...it's overwhelming, counter productive and keeps us stuck we have to do this in baby steps...the initial goal is understanding and getting it out and of course NC as soon as possible. Now, I've read your post, and it does appear to be a highly dysfunctional relationship...I am not expecting you to "own" what you know at this time, but you said you've been reading it for a year. I am wondering if at this point you are still not convinced he's a narc. Finally, in terms of why you keep going back - I think there is some level of denial and that you have to get real with what this is. I think just from what I'm reading, there is a part that still does not believe and "thinks" you can get through to him. YOU Can't...it won't happen. There are a number of blog posts Lisa has written that explain this whole crisis we're faced with in better detail. I've written a few and the ladies here have poured their hearts and souls out on the forum. If ever there was a question, the validation for me was witnessing how similar all of our stories were. He's outnumbered. Our stories are all the evidence that is needed. You said some things that do show insight so you ask why do you keep going back...if you're honest with yourself, do you think at this point you could answer that question or do you really have no idea and feel that you can't control yourself. There are many reasons - and not one of them wrong we are human and the brain works in mysterious ways...in fact, one of our sisters in recovery Strongerthanever shared some interesting information she discovered today *there is even brain stuff happening* but I don't know if anyone can get to THE ANSWER as to why we keep going back or obsessing, or ruminating but we can all attest that it is something we've all struggled with and so I think that the answer will be different for each of us and we'll only get to it once we can get a little clearer and out of the initial crisis which I think is fair to say is very close to if not trauma. I've referenced the blog post below; however I've also cut and pasted the section I thought might be helpful to you so that you don't have to weed through the entire discussion unless you want to. http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2011/05/11/another-visit-shrink I saw my shrink today and here are the results I got: I do EMDR and it has been very helpful. After the EMDR part, I asked her about her overall professional view. Now, she is going on the things I have told her. She didn't see me during the craziness and she is seeing me 2 yrs out of it. So, big difference. During the 5 yrs, 3 yrs with him, 2 yrs in recovery, I've seen 6 therapists. 2 were with the N. One was seen to convince me he didn't cheat even though he admitted to it when he came crawling back 2 weeks prior. Makes no sense. One other we saw after he proposed for the second time and the exN wanted to get me onboard on how to deal with his depression, work out our "communication" issues (me sometimes not being chatty enough for him...not accepting the emotional abuse had anything to do with it) and to get my kid inline to what he thought he should be doing. I told her in my last session that from the ones I've seen and the 1 his old college friend (who he was emotionally abusive to during college years), saw and that counselor said that the exN was the most abusive relationship she was in...not the fact she was sexually abused from her stepdad - why didn't I leave when I knew better! So, i've bulleted the key points. - Emotions and relationships, good and bad, are stored in the limbic section of the brain. - Denial lives there in the limbic section too. - You are not the only woman to stay in a relationship where professionals told you to run! (yes, i had 2 I saw as a 2nd and 3rd opinion during the hovering stage tell me to run) - Because of the emotional abuse, I was convinced that i would not find that feeling I got during the "good moments" of the relationship. During EMDR, a memory came up of how 2 days ago I was working in the yard pulling out the dandelions. He and I had fun doing that. I would be so proud that I got the entire thing and all of the root! He would say, "Good job, Hun!" and later tell me he would watch me in the yard and think how lucky he was, how attractive I was. Whether that is true or not, who knows. - From the limbic region, is denial and when we are convinced we cannot find this charge again with someone else, we go are in denial and ignore the bad. We keep thinking the good is going to overcome the bad. I personally thought the exN depression was the core reason. Get that under control, he'll be happy with me and my son. Then he will see how happy I truly make him. - Even though the exN wanted to fix his depression, I did the work. I did the research. I made the calls to the clinics to get him evaluated for the free drugs. He stopped taking one back in 2008 and restarted back in summer of 2009 when his mother kept nagging and he just started a relationship with the now wife/OW he was interested in while we were still together. I would beg for him to get back on the meds, he wouldn't. The counselor told me that you cant help anyone that doesn't want the help. - She is convinced he is a sociopath and not just an asshole. I asked her this bluntly. Am I wrong in thinking he is a sociopath, Narc or is he just a guy that cheated. She explained that what makes him a sociopath and not just a jerk is that he has no remorse, no empathy or care for who he hurts. how quickly he starts new relationships or transitions from one to another with no long periods in between. from the last time he and I talked to when he started to really date the now wife, it might have been 2 months, or 1 BUT, he was talking to her and interested way before the final D&D. This is his pattern I noticed early on in the relationship. Sometimes it was a day or two after a breakup that he went out on a date or called another woman. She said when they can't self reflect or show emotions or care, they are sociopaths. They do not need to be murderers. When you look back and wonder why you didn't leave when you should have; why you ignored the red flags; why you kept staying to get more breadcrumbs; just know there is more of a scientific/medical reason why. It is in your brain and we have to retrain our brains to get those thoughts rewired. It was the limbic region and that stupid denial!! That being the case P33, take it bit by bit and follow the path...understand it, get it out and go NC. This isn't going to happen immediately, it takes us time to process - but continue to read and share and I can assure you that over time, the fog will lift and you will begin to be able to answer your own questions which will help in your recovery...but in the meantime, we have to ask lots and lots of them - there is repetition involved in this process, it's not easy to digest at all - and that is what we're here for - so when I say answer your own questions, I don't mean now but as time passes you begin to make connections and rather than asking questions you will find yourself "sharing" things you realize and that is when you will know you're on your way down the right path! In the interim, stick to the board as your peers in recovery certainly will hold you up and walk you through. You have found a safe haven. Finally, most say "When you're at the end of your rope tie a knot and hold on;" however in this case, we need to let go...let go of trying to hold on and fix something that is unfixable.... Hugs!

Your comment about throwing you a few crumbs every now and again hit home. I used to tell my ExN that he would throw me an occasional dog bone to keep me on the hook (that is what they do, their M.O.) Your N. doesn't have the ABILITY to love you nor care. He is not capable. There is no cure. It's not that he doesn't like you, he will never let you in. You will never ever emotionally bond with this man. It is time to say goodbye. It is time to invest all your time and energy into yourself and your dreams, and not waste time over this guy that has deep emotional problems that you can't fix. I know the obsession with it, because sometimes when they bat their eyelashes at you, you can actually see there is a good side in there(No one is 100% bad.) You want to bring the good side out.That is why you end up running back...it is unfinished business. BUT... HE doesn't WANT it. If he wanted it, he would get it- because N.'s are damn good at getting what pleases them. You can help no one who cannot help themselves, I promise you. And, there is no cure for NPD. Folks who actually want the help never improve much. If you contact this guy again, or accept his calls (which they always call) you may as well beat yourself over the head with a 2 x 4. Love yourself girl, learn from this. We are here for you telling you to be strong!!! Your new life starts TODAY!