I've Been Ignored For Two Months

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#1 May 4 - 9AM
curiositykat
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I've Been Ignored For Two Months

My (ex?)-N has been ignoring me for almost two months now.

We last spoke on March 8. He sounded stressed, but we talked for about 45 minutes. He declined us hanging out the next night, saying he wanted to relax at home. When I asked him to at least call me so we could try to have a conversation, he said okay...and we got off the phone.

I tried contacting him pretty fervently for three weeks afterwards. Every single day...I alternated between begging, getting angry, and trying to resume conversation normally as if nothing had happened. Nada.

A little over three weeks out, I decided to block him on my phone. That lasted for four weeks, during which I saw another guy and stupidly thought I was healing. However, that did not last long, because I had had the misconception that he was just ignoring me because of a certain event that he was preparing for and would therefore stop ignoring me after said event had finished.

Fast forward to last Saturday...I unblocked his number and tried calling him A LOT. After an hour of that, he turned off his phone. An hour and a half later, he turned it back on and I tried to call a few times. He then turned off his phone two and a half hours after turning it back on.

So here I am today. This is by far not the first time he has done this, but never for so long. This of course interrupts my healing, as I am so used to him coming back, that rather than feeling a little bit better every day, I actually feel more in pain because every day is more realization that he is not coming back.

I am wondering if this has happened to anyone else and if so, what was the conclusion?

He and I were together for three years. Also, I am curious if anyone else in a LTA with an N has noticed that their assholishness seems to cycle at the same time every single year. He has done something similar around this time for the past two years. In 2009, he broke up with me, ignored me and slept with a bunch of other people. Last year, he cheated on me while we were actually together. After each of these times, we have gotten back together and things have gotten so much better...only to cycle right back to the awfulness, which gets worse every year.

I would really like some insight from the veterans.

May 5 - 10AM
fooled no longer
fooled no longer's picture

id bet my next ten salaries

id bet my next ten salaries that this has happened to every person here at one time or another. classic narc, push pull, push pull, play telephone tag to get control. What fun! he is probably chuckling. they are sick sad fucks and dont deserve a call from anyone. So unless he owes you money, ( in which case suck up to him till you get it), lose hid number, stop trying to get inside a sick mans head. fullstop.
May 5 - 10AM
fooled no longer
fooled no longer's picture

id bet my next ten salaries

id bet my next ten salaries that this hss happened to evety single person here at one time ir another. classic narc push pull push pull, play tekeohone tag to get control. What fun! hrs probably chuckling. they are sick sad fucks and dont deserve a call from anyone. So unless he owes you money, ( in which case suck up to him till you get it), lose hid number, stop trying to get inside a sick mans head. fullstop.
May 5 - 9AM
heritage
heritage's picture

How do I do this? I wrote

How do I do this? I wrote something under dentalas (my name) under messages and I want to get it here on main page because I really ned input. Please help. don't want to re write. Thanks.
May 5 - 9AM
curiositykat
curiositykat's picture

Thanks Everyone!

Thanks to everyone who responded to my post. Everyone had great insight and advice. I'm still reeling a bit. It really sucks. I feel like I am driving myself crazy. I keep wondering if maybe he did break up with me and I just completely blocked it out. The last time we spoke, March 8, I asked him numerous times if he wanted to break up. To my knowledge, we did not break up, but I think a break-up in his mind is enough for it to have been a real thing. No need to inform me! It's hard for me to come to terms with this depth of cruelty. I just don't understand it. But it makes sense in the mind of a narcissist, because him hurting me is probably the ultimate outcome. Because reading my desperate texts is probably more fun than one measley text or email he could send me in order to give me closure. It's just so painful. Like many of you, I can't understand what I did in life to get to this point. I do take some of hte blame myself, because I saw these red flags from the beginning and blatantly ignored them. I was at the same place last year and I was stupid enough to think things would be different a year later. I am coming to terms with the fact that I will likely never see or speak to him again, and that all of the memories I cherished are in fact lies. The love I thought I had does not exist. It just doesn't, and there is absolutely nothing I can do but attempt to move on. Thank you again for all of your responses. We are all people truly deserving of happiness. We will hopefully find it.
May 5 - 1AM
Kitty02 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Hi curiositykat, this subject

Hi curiositykat, this subject is very close to home for me because it used to drive me mad with my narc #2. He knows he can come back whenever he likes. he doesn't have to try but even if you didn't call and he came chasing after you he wouldn't change. I went through all this nonsense with the phone not being answered and my advice to myself back then, knowing what I know now, would be change your number and do a vanishing act from this selfish, mean idiots life. Stop worrying about him and worry about yourself Kitty, and I say the same to you even though I know it's not easy to do so. I agree with the other ladies about the control and that they get off on knowing you are freaking out but believe me they would soon answer if they wanted something from you. e.g. ego stroke, sex, shoulder to cry on, company. Think about it. I cringe when I think of what I put up with as you will when you start to heal and get stronger. Now I laugh at myself where narc #2 is concerned. Narc #1 was very violent and no laughing matter. Narc #2 used to tell me to call him at a certain time then when I did wouldn't answer then I found out from people after (whose company he was in when I called) that he was saying 'oh kitty's calling me again she doesn't leave me alone'. Nasty bit of work. The night before he would always arrange for me to call him. Both the narcs that have been in my life have played the 'phone call game' especially narc #2. I realize now that it was nothing personal to me as they done/do it to lots of people. I look back now with hindsight and I say to myself 'what was you thinking you soppy cow' lol. You to will get to this stage if you vanish from his life. May not be easy at first but a lot of pain for a short while is worth it to not have a lot of pain for a lifetime.
May 4 - 8PM
Disillusionedx2
Disillusionedx2's picture

It could be so many reasons...

It could be so many reasons with these characters but mostly it's because it's part of their persona, it's hard to figure out why they do what they do as they do not function as we do, lol. Their reasons for doing or not doing things are so bizarre sometimes, but yes they do this for punishment, control, projection, they may be busy with another supply source at the moment, and never forget it's supply to them, even if he doesn't respond to you, you are feeding him his much needed nourishment, sad but true. I witnessed N in action with this, as the lady continued to call and call he would jam the "end" key and laugh hysterically saying I got her now, wow, lol, I took note of that and decided when my time came (I knew it was coming) I would not resort to calling him repeatedly. So long as you contine to initiate that contact, he will not respond in a positive manner, nor when you want him to. They are big time game players in this sense, it can be frustrating. They don't care for weakness either, if he believes you are acting weak he will not respond, he will think of it as being "pathetic" the best thing to do is ignore him, they hate that more than anything. I know it sounds backwards, but that's how they operate...backwards. When you move on, and not acknowledge him any further, at some point he will return,they are like boom-a-rangs, they almost always come back but it will be at his choosing, best wishes.

stay~strong

May 4 - 2PM
Caligirl
Caligirl's picture

Phone games all the time!

CK, I was only with my narc for one year. He started playing phone games around the 2nd month. We were long distance then. Anyway, brief disagreement and he hung up. I called back a couple times, no answer. It annoyed me, but I was fine. He calls back the next day apologizing. I told him I don't like phone hangups. It didn't take long, and it happened again. Then, I began trying to communicate and I would get anxious, so I'd keep trying. I would get frustrated and cry. It really is them conditioning us, and the silent treatment is abuse. Nobody should have to go through that. They know what it does to us, how we feel. It is not your fault. The last 6 months with my narc got worse. He would hang up at the hint I had a need, turn his phone off, disappear for hours. He was always far away for work (a trucker), and the phone was our only connection (I told him but he didn't care). I could feel myself getting anxious, fast heartbeat, shortness of breath, he didn't care. At times, I would be numb. It is emotional abuse. I left him and have been NC now for over a month. The fog is lifting, albeit slowly. There was a lot of good advice here, so I won't repeat. Disrespect and love cannot dwell together. Please do not call him. Take care of you. Take small steps. Like someone said, say I'm not going to call for an hour. You might try putting your phone away, if you can. At it's worse, I would put mine in my car and get busy. It was when I didn't answer or call, then he'd call repeatedly. It's a dance. Mine liked the games. I got off the roller coaster. Hugs to you!
May 4 - 1PM
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

Just curious

Just curious...for those of you who's ex's don't answer the phone...what do you think that's about? I say control...but, do they ever pick up? Do they ever call back? Do they give a reason why they didn't call back?
May 4 - 7PM (Reply to #20)
Lisa87
Lisa87's picture

ignoring calls

yup, mine did it too, i didnt call him very often, guess I let him have control, but when i did call him he would rarely pick up and then take a while to call me back. He would disappear for a few hours here and there to keep me on my toes...looking back i had no idea was was NPD but it explains all of his behaviors completely. Could never pinpoint what it was....feel like a fool sometimes cause now it seems so clear but when you are wrapped up in the person I always made excuses,etc. Now that I'm on to him and his disorder I am NC and getting stronger every day!!
May 4 - 5PM (Reply to #19)
7yeaeritch
7yeaeritch's picture

My ex said he needed time to

My ex said he needed time to get over his feelings for me and so couldn't talk to me for a while. But he also refuses his sister's and his friends' calls. I wonder if he doesn't realize I know that.
May 4 - 2PM (Reply to #18)
Caligirl
Caligirl's picture

Dierdre

I think it was control definitely, but sometimes he would answer (especially in the beginning), sometimes he'd CB (esp if I ignored him), and sometimes he'd have an excuse. It's conditioning I think, keeping us on our toes, headgames, power and yes, control. I wish i knew then what I know now.
May 4 - 1PM (Reply to #17)
terri
terri's picture

I agree Deidre - definitely

I agree Deidre - definitely about control. They LOVE that they have us so emotionally undone because they won't talk to us - that's TOTAL CONTROL! I think they also play these games that bring about circumstances whereby they would go into their "freeze zones" just to see us squirm. When we do as they suspect, they are validated and their overwhelming need to feel all powerful is satisfied. What really rattles them is when we don't call, email, text...and just disappear. That's when a call from them is absolutely guaranteed. The trick is - don't do it for them. Do it for YOU! Indifference and abandonment is the equivalent of the fabled stake through the heart of these vampires. And the best part is how being indifferent to them and abandoning them is really setting ourselves free and finally able to move onto happy and normal.

Believe in yourself!
Terri

May 4 - 1PM (Reply to #13)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Mine is busy working! Hahaha,

Mine is busy working! Hahaha, he's a F'n dog trainer, the dog gets very upset with the interruptions! Jackass! Hunter
May 4 - 3PM (Reply to #16)
Alisa
Alisa's picture

That was the excuse mine used

That was the excuse mine used too. One time I called and he picked up only to say "I am busy, I'll call you back". Didn't even wait for me to answer!! I wondered why he even picked up as I would've been fine just leaving him a message (just had some info for him). Of course I didn't call back and it took him HOURS to get back to me. That really pissed me off. And of course it's about control because by doing that he had me waiting thinking about him for hours... Always busy... however now that he's hoovering he'll send me an IM from work as soon as I log on. He also likes to call from the street or when he's about to get on the train or something. Only when he was trying to conquer me, he had time for long conversations in the evening
May 4 - 2PM (Reply to #14)
Caligirl
Caligirl's picture

Hunter

Mine used the busy working thing too. He is a truck driver and would say when he was in the back emptying freight, he'd leave his phone in the cab, and that he didn't have time for calls. Eventually I was able to go out with him and noticed he had his phone on his belt in the back AND he would answer for his son, sister etc. WTH? I told him, "I thought u left your phone in the cab." He mumbled some b/s like "normally I do." Yeh, right.
May 4 - 3PM (Reply to #15)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

My husband is a surgeon for

My husband is a surgeon for God sake, he finds time to fit in a call! "what was I thinking" Yuck! Hunter
May 4 - 1PM (Reply to #12)
dudette
dudette's picture

control

and cowardice..... Probably more cowardice... depending on the stage of the relationship when they do it..... best thing is to give yourself closure really. I gave myself closure, that was that. My book is closed, so it my door.
May 4 - 1PM
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

AnyONE...who would purposely

AnyONE...who would purposely turn their phone off...listen to you leave messages begging, etc for a call back. And do this repeatedly? Forget the cheating part, that is another ball of wax. Is king in the asshole book. He is playing a game. When he feels you are tortured enough? He may bring you some relief. Have you read anything on here or elsewhere about 'trauma bonding?' It is the one thing that helped me the most...when coming to this site. I highly encourage you look into it, because it sounds like what's happening here. We should not want to go back to an abuser. But, trauma bonding makes it so. There's nothing wrong with you...you've just conditioned yourself to this treatment for so long, it feels like second nature. Break this pattern. You can do it. It's not easy I know, but you deserve better. {{{hugs}}}
May 4 - 1PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

8 months of silence for me!

Honestly, it's better than hoovering! Google silent treatment, "it's ABUSE" I know it's hard but do you enjoy this little game of headfuck? Stay the no contact course and soon you will be better! Learn what he is and soon you will be saying "what was I thinking?" Hunter
May 4 - 1PM (Reply to #9)
terri
terri's picture

I was with the exN for over 9

I was with the exN for over 9 years and thinking back to what was going on after 3 years - I was exactly where you are. Whenever the breakups would occur, I was desperate to hear from him and talk it out. Of course then, I had NO CLUE about what was really happening. If only I had this forum then as you do now! After all of the breaks and reconciliations over the next 6 years, I finally got to a point where I was very emotionally unstable and completely anxiety-ridden. Instead of the cycles being about HIM, they had become about ME! I was the one that at about the same time of year would have enough and D&D him and get out! Of course, that would be turned against me as he say that he just couldn't trust that I would stay and "work it out"! UNBELIEVABLE!! Someone else here said that it is inevitable that the final break will come - don't put yourself through anymore suffering only to get to an even MORE painful place. He's showing you exactly who he is NOW. As difficult as it is, believe him and begin the recovery work as soon as possible. I think it's sort of like screening for cancer early. When you detect the cancer cells are present - go in immediately to remove then before the cancer spreads and is eventually so devastating that you may never recover. I hope that isn't a bad or hurtful analogy but they are truly like a disease - the only cure is NC!!!

Believe in yourself!
Terri

May 4 - 12PM
Lisa87
Lisa87's picture

Yup sounds familiar

very familiar, same pattern each year around this time, but in reality it doesn't get better if he's still treating you the same way after 3 years. You will never change him and only staying together for what you might think are good parts is only going to prolong the inevitable. No one deserves that type of treatment. He has already proven to be a cheater. Mine acted the same but when his behavior started to change I figured cause he found a new source of supply on the side. All the while telling me he loved me and wanted to marry me...bla bla bla. Someone who loves you doesn't treat you that way. Dont be a doormat, he knows you will be there, prove him wrong and block him for good, NC. That's what I did, had enough already. Left a toxic marriage and don't need a toxic relationship! R.E.S.P.E.C.T and TRUST are important in any relationship and you are worth both.
May 4 - 10AM
findingmeagain
findingmeagain's picture

Hey gf join the club you're

Hey gf join the club you're not alone. I've got kids with my N and he cuts off the phone doesn't answer all the time. i stopped calling this morning i had an urge to go to his house but i fought it and said to myself what would any of that do he probably wouldn't be there or open the door is what i told myself . They don't care just move on thats what i'm gonna do block out the 3 years . thats what i'm telling myself and i've been with mines for 8 years total, i'm tired of feeling like this so i'm gonna do something about it .
May 4 - 9AM
Steph
Steph's picture

" After each of these times,

" After each of these times, we have gotten back together and things have gotten so much better...only to cycle right back to the awfulness, which gets worse every year." That right there is good reason to NOT try and contact him further. What purpose will it serve you if he does answer? You have a question mark when referring to him as your "ex"....do you think that you guys are still together or are u hoping you will get back together? You are not going to heal and move on if you are still hoping things are going to work out with you guys. I think you need to be clear with yourself with what it is exactly you are wanting. Do you want to move on or do you want him back? Sorry if this sounds rude, I'm just confused with your intentions.... xoxo
May 4 - 10AM (Reply to #2)
curiositykat
curiositykat's picture

You Are Absolutely Right

staying strong78, You are absolutely right. Unfortunately, even though I know he is awful for me, I do want him back. However, I also don't--if that makes any sense. I miss him, I hate him. I want closure, I want him back. Part of me is hoping he will ignore me forever, part of me hopes he is ignoring me in order to leave a door open to come back. I am so fucking messed up.
May 4 - 10AM (Reply to #5)
dabussard
dabussard's picture

Curiositykat

I was the same way.. He would ignore me for serveral days, weeks and then he would come back and it would be great... Then, he would ignore me again... Let me tell you what made me decide to run and never look back: We had one of our honeymoon phases that lasted about a week. I started to feel used, I was only allowed to see him when he texted me to come up. Which was always late at night and I had to be gone by daylight. I wanted to go out and do something other than hang at his house... He refused and I said "this is not a relationship, it is a convience"... After that night he would not return phone calls or my texts... After two days, I got scared that he had drank himself to death... So, I go over to his house.. I knock on the door, he is sitting in his chair... Nothing, so I go on in his house, take off my shoes and walk over to his chair... He doesn't acknowledge that I am even there... I stand in front of him and he looks thru me like he doesn't even see me... By this time i am scared to death. He was another person.. I asked him if he is ok, no response... I asked him if we are over... He shakes his head no real fast like a 7 year old child... Then he gets up and stomps into the bathroom... I left... I was afraid of him at this point. By the time I get to my house, two miles away, he texted me "why u being so controlling". Me controlling hello... Two days later, he went into a fit of rage and vandelized my truck. He is by far a very dangerious, disturbed person... Hence my reason for running and never looking back...
May 4 - 10AM (Reply to #4)
Steph
Steph's picture

It does make sense.....in a

It does make sense.....in a non sensical way! Seriously, I understand that feeling, we all do. Feeling town opposite emotions/thoughts at the same time. It's cognitive dissonance and really messes us up! The only way out of the mess is NO CONTACT though. Then after time, your body and mind starts getting back to normal. You start seeing him for what he really is, and focus less on the "illusion" of him being a good guy. I know it's hard, really but it's the only way to free yourself from the insanity and move forward.
May 4 - 10AM (Reply to #3)
spinning
spinning's picture

ck, you are going with

the same old script because it's what you know. You have been BRAINWASHED and CONDITIONED to accept this "ignoring" and the push/pull as NORMAL. It is not. This is not a nice person. A person who cares for you and loves you doesn't ignore you and play phone games for two days, much less two months. PLEASE DO NOT CONTACT HIM ANY MORE. You are in the cognitive dissonance fog and it is skewing your thought process. CHANGE THE SCRIPT. It's hard but it's worth it. I am asking you to try, PLEASE. Good things will happen eventually. It's really really hard work but it's so worth it. I'm six months NC and I cannot tell you how you will feel, what you will see when the fog clears! CK, please try!! I gave away six years to the game. SIX YEARS only to be D & D'd with the ULTIMATE IGNORE...he changed his phone number and left the area. Left a note for me first, though, that said "I love you." How's that for a game (a mindf--k)? Also, ck, it was cylical with the disorderd one I was involved with too! The final, ultimate disappearing ignoring act occurred 12 months almost TO THE DAY of the last freeze out, which I went NC for 20 days and MEANT IT and on the 21st day he came pounding on my door at 5 a.m. I made the HUGE MISTAKE of letting him in. I let myself in for another year of HELL. SPARE YOURSELF. Try to go NC minute by minute. Set your self up for success. Say 'if I still really feel like contacting him in an hour, then I'll do it' and build on that. Every time you want to, post here instead. Set rules for yourself and try to stick to them. It really does pay off! It's hard but we're here for you. READ EVERYTHING HERE! There is valuable information that will help you a lot and help you stay strong and figure out what YOU NEED! Curiosity, please DON'T GIVE THIS JACKASS another ounce of your precious self! It's just supply to feed his VACUOUS EGO...He treats you like crap! DON'T PUT UP WITH IT ANY MORE! turn the tables, GO NC!!! Big hugs to you, sweetheart. You will be amazed at the good things that will happen in your life once you are out of the chaos and fog! I send you the good vibes for strength and peace of mind. Hugs from (not) spinning (not even a little bit today AND IT FEELS GREAT!!!)

spinning