Why you shouldn't seek revenge...

Why you shouldn't seek revenge...
3

I was at the gym this afternoon...stewing over how my ex N refuses to take down my profile pics. And how he posted these porn-type pics all over the place to 'get to me.' I could care less, though. I have known him for some time, before we started dating...and he was posting all those types of pics for a long time. So, why he thinks it bothers me, no clue. But, I know he thinks it does. If anything, it makes him look like a clueless ass...today, is the day before Easter, and that's how he is conducting himself? He did grow up Catholic. *eye roll* We're dealing with a man close to 40. Wonders never cease. lol

Anywho.

So, I decided earlier...I'm going to talk to all the men he 'forbid' me to talk to, when we were dating. I'm going to post in this one's guy's diary...who he absolutely loathes. Yeah, that's it. He'll be sure to remove those profile pics then!

Then, I felt God tap me on the shoulder, during my workout.

And His still small voice...''Dee, do you really want to stoop to his level?'' I thought for a moment. It wouldn't be stooping, Lord. I was pals with all these guys before him. Then, I felt God ask me again...''But, is your motivation that...or is it revenge?'' And I was honest with myself, and God. I thought...I want those damn profile comments down...and I know, if I posted to those men...he'd remove them. I WANT TO DRIVE HIM TO TAKE THEM DOWN.

I was being honest with myself. Then, I felt God urge me to rethink that 'strategy.' If I continue this 'game,' I'll be back in this spiral with the narc. I want peace. Christ can't bring me to a place of peace, if I keep placing myself back into the drama and chaos.

So. I decided to make myself invisible when online. So he can't see when I'm online. (which is a God send for real lol) And, to ignore him. To try with all my might, to just stick in sections I know he won't be in...and go into sections I've never crossed over in. I also plan to not be on there all that much, anymore. Just lessen my time. When I'm away from that site, I do feel safer...better...calmer.

So, I wanted to encourage you all. When you are feeling like you want your narc 'to pay,' rethink that. All that does is make you like them. Truly. I don't want to be like him. He's a lost soul. Someone who wants to hurt others for his own sick gain. It makes him feel manly to hurt me. Why would I want to be remotely LIKE THAT?

So, thank you Lord for giving me eyes to see today, what You see. May I let go of this whole ordeal once and for all, by Your strength and grace.

Just wanted to share with you all.

wisdomneeded's picture

great post...

Unfortunately My daughter took revenge into her own hands...She decided to punk the N's car for the same reason Deidre described. Nobody sees him for the JACKASS he is. She was sick and tired of him getting away with this image of being a great guy! She used silly string and car paint on the windows. OMG HE CALLED HIS MOMMY AND THEN CALLED THE COPS ON HER. Fortunately the cops just said do not do it again. She lost her reputation with even more people who see her as the insane X girlfriend.

Interestingly a few = very few did look at his reaction as being OVER THE TOP. To call the cops on her...

Could use prayers for my kiddo...it has been 5 months she is seeing a counselor but she is obviously still in alot of pain. Hugs to all:)

Susan32's picture

He WANTED me to be the crazy ex

When the ex-Psych prof flaunted his girlfriend (right after a friend of mine died from cancer), I KNOW he wanted me to be the crazy ex. He even said "It shouldn't matter to you that I already have a girlfriend." I TAUNTED him, saying, "I KNOW you want me to wrestle her at the mud pit at the upper dorms. I KNOW it turns you on." I dangled the carrot, then pulled it away. Dangled the carrot right before his nose, yanked it away even harder.

I KNOW he wanted me to say bad things about his girlfriend (my classmates did that, they called her a dyke-she was quite butch)... but I never have, never will. He won't get no satisfaction. He can try and he can try, but he can't get no satisfaction.

As for your daughter, yes, THAT is the result of crazy-making. Her N looks sane... and she looks completely nuts&obsessed. He pushed her to that point. He played horrible mind games on her... and it did drive her crazy.

I KNEW how the ex-P wanted me to act. If I had put silly string&car paint on his car, I would've probably aroused him&given him sweet orgasmic release.

What I did was that I figured out his game... to play it AGAINST him.

I was bragging how I reduced the ex-P to a tantrum-throwing 6 year old (he was 36 at the time) when I congratulated him on his engagement.

Deidre40's picture

Kinda down today

I don't wish revenge on him (anymore) But...I do wish people would see him for what he is...a bad person. A person who uses them for his gain. A person who betrays everyone...at one point or another. Even his kids.

I just wish people would see him for the evil he represents. I won't label someone evil...not for me to say a 'person is evil.' But, he represents it.

And he has such a following...people who hold this man up in a chair and carry him through a crowd. << picture that if you will. Meanwhile, when he and I dated...he mocked EACH AND EVERY ONE OF HIS MINIONS. And since the break up...he has mocked me to them.

So...I just wish he'd fall from 'grace' in their eyes...that they'd see him for the bad person he is.

But...looks like there's no justice on this earth when it comes to these people.

Although, it would seem that there is...for some. I have read a few stories in here...and I don't gloat. It's not something that makes me delighted. To see someone fall or suffer. BUT. It helps me to see that evil does not prevail. That being good does outweigh evil.

prettypeeved's picture

My take on that is that it's

My take on that is that it's easy to think people will surely one day see him for what he really is...until you remember that you yourself fell for his crap.

I couldn't tell what my narc was really like, so what right do I have to expect others see him as he really is?

It's infuriating, but that's the way it is!

Deidre40's picture

Kinda down today

I don't wish revenge on him (anymore) But...I do wish people would see him for what he is...a bad person. A person who uses them for his gain. A person who betrays everyone...at one point or another. Even his kids.

I just wish people would see him for the evil he represents. I won't label someone evil...not for me to say a 'person is evil.' But, he represents it.

And he has such a following...people who hold this man up in a chair and carry him through a crowd. << picture that if you will. Meanwhile, when he and I dated...he mocked EACH AND EVERY ONE OF HIS MINIONS. And since the break up...he has mocked me to them.

So...I just wish he'd fall from 'grace' in their eyes...that they'd see him for the bad person he is.

But...looks like there's no justice on this earth when it comes to these people.

Although, it would seem that there is...for some. I have read a few stories in here...and I don't gloat. It's not something that makes me delighted. To see someone fall or suffer. BUT. It helps me to see that evil does not prevail. That being good does outweigh evil.

Deidre40's picture

Kinda down today

I don't wish revenge on him (anymore) But...I do wish people would see him for what he is...a bad person. A person who uses them for his gain. A person who betrays everyone...at one point or another. Even his kids.

I just wish people would see him for the evil he represents. I won't label someone evil...not for me to say a 'person is evil.' But, he represents it.

And he has such a following...people who hold this man up in a chair and carry him through a crowd. << picture that if you will. Meanwhile, when he and I dated...he mocked EACH AND EVERY ONE OF HIS MINIONS. And since the break up...he has mocked me to them.

So...I just wish he'd fall from 'grace' in their eyes...that they'd see him for the bad person he is.

But...looks like there's no justice on this earth when it comes to these people.

Although, it would seem that there is...for some. I have read a few stories in here...and I don't gloat. It's not something that makes me delighted. To see someone fall or suffer. BUT. It helps me to see that evil does not prevail. That being good does outweigh evil.

EMZ Experience's picture

Great advice

I am not religious, but if I dare to say so; an inner voice has spoken to me about not stooping to his level and to not respond. When I have listened to this inner voice it has lead me in the right direction. x

girlsinger's picture

what is this post about shoes? spam?

Hi
does anyone know what this is?
this post about shoes?

thanks

be blessed
K

jen79's picture

mrlin

posts spam, I have sent a message to Lisa, to get him deleted, annoying!

mrlin's picture

deleted

xoxox

kizzy72's picture

Yet another awesome post

Believe me it was very tempting for a split second to reveal his crap, but it wasn't worth it, especially with his brother being famous (well semi for now), and considering his "famous" brother didn't do anything to me, was it worth hurting him considering they have very similar stories.

Second, this guy has a lot of screws loose, some I may not know about and I could be putting myself at risk.

Last, I let karma take care of the bitch. And he's already gotten it back anyway, with his jacked up rap sheet.

Deidre40's picture

kizzy

'I let karma take care of the bitch.'

Oh kizzy...I needed a good laugh! lol

:P

I am having a down night. I don't even know why. I just wish this nightmare never happened.

deecbee's picture

Good point and good post. At

Good point and good post. At the end of the day, even as little as these creatures are able to feel, they really are lost, miserable, hopelessly depressed individuals. As much as they've damaged our lives, there's therapy, support networks, and inner-reflection and true character for us. For them, there's nothing. They are stuck in their hell for all eternity. Almost makes me feel bad for them.

Still... that doesn't mean I don't fantasize about posting his picture across the net and notifying everyone in his city about him ;)

Deidre40's picture

deecbee

hahaha! I hear ya!

Yes...you are right. They are really quite miserable. You know, quite a few people on the site we joined last year...and still post on...have gotten into e-fights with him. Many have said...''do you think this is real life dude? you are so sad, that you act like this is your real life!''

those comments used to trouble me. because he would never really take in their words...instead he'd rail back. with anger...and obnoxiousness. posting silly pictures...and so on. like what a teenager would say on myspace, or something. hard to explain. he's nearly 40!

I cried for him, after we broke up. He so desperately wants to be loved. He so desperately wants to be in a long lasting relationship. But, to do that...one needs to love him/herself.

That's the missing link. He doesn't love himself. And therefore he will never truly and authentically love another.

I honestly never really knew who he was. He's like a stranger all of a sudden to me. hugs to you deecbee!

Susan32's picture

Laughter is the BEST revenge...

Simply because the ex-Psych prof (as in psychopath, not psychology) couldn't endure being ridiculed. He could take ridicule the same way a person with celiac disease could take a loaf of bread. After the final D&D, the ex-P was mocked, for the FIRST time, in the senior skit (it mocks all the professors) He was mocked in front of my classmates, yes I was part of the skit... and he literally RAN AWAY. He had drank a whole bottle of beer... and he was running down the stairs like a scared child. And he was nearly 40. He wanted to see me weeping, broken, suicidal, ruined... yeah, too bad I was part of that communal laughter!

Karma bit back harder than me. Around the time I left NM (I left without telling him, or anyone)... he got his girlfriend pregnant. I knew how much he hated children. His girlfriend had twins, and his parents moved in with him to raise them. His father got him onto a "causality forum" (as in cause/effect, consequences)--something that, in a perverse way, was kind of my idea. I had ALWAYS told the ex-P that he couldn't run away from the consequences of his actions. He could do his "run, Forrest, run!" routine for only so long.

I sat back and watched the cosmos dole out its punishment. It's better than anything I would've thought up.

neverlookback's picture

I have no desire to seek revenge

Because this is what they would LOVE, and trust me they are prepared for it and have their ducks in a row, at least mine does. It only confirms to them how much they hurt you, if you walk away thats like telling them YOU ARENT WORTH IT, your sick and disturbed and I will leave you to the sick life you live. Remember indifference is the revenge that they will feel, "you mean I didnt GET TO HER, she just walked away without even a GO TO HELL? After everything I did to her. I always felt if I just walk away I am telling him I AM BETTER than you are, you werent good enough for me but I think they knew that all along thats why they have to resort to manipulation and tactics to lower our self esteem, they dont want us Strong and healthy and confident they want us injured, weak, and dependent on them so they look like GOD in our eyes. When you stop to think about it why else would someone want to make us unsure of ourselves? Because they themselves need power over others to make them look good and feel good.

No revenge is necessary just leave them like the dirt you walk on

ruby01's picture

neverlookback

Very well said.

skystar's picture

Karma. What goes around

Karma. What goes around comes around. These guys have a lot of it coming. I am honestly quite satisfied when that happens. I would like to watch him bleedout though. Hey! I'm human, not a saint. LOL

itsallgood's picture

Block him from your facebook

Block him from your facebook account. Then, you don't need to nor can you look at the pictures. And he can't see your page. It will be much easier to move on with your healing process as there will be a lot fewer reminders.

Deidre40's picture

Staying NC & healing

Staying NC & healing forever.

That's the best revenge!!!!

SoaperGirl's picture

Maybe so, but revenge can be sweet!

I understand what you are saying. I do know that when I reached the anger stage, at the time my ex N was laying it on extra thick about his new woman being perfect for him as she really loved him and liked having sex with him etc...It annoyed me without a doubt.

Only being human and able to take only so much, I decided it was time for him to pay. I took a some money out of his bank account and razzed the Hell out of him...not a lot mind you, but just enough zingers to be noticed. After all his bragging.. I don't think I hurt anything or him really bad, but maybe his pride a little, but for a narcissist, it's a lot. It was soul satisfyingly good.

I loved seeing his public meltdown on his website screaming "I WAS INSANE!!!" I loved seeing him lose his money, his website, now in the process of losing his home. I didn't have to do a thing actually, he's doing it all to himself. The new woman can have this loser. I'm done with him.

Now I am at peace, and can let go. Yup, Revenge can be sweet (just a little bit!). hahaha.

Susan32's picture

That's entertainment!

The ex-Psych prof was the subject of the senior skit... and his cowardly habit of running away was mocked... in the Grand Finale. I was part of the senior skit committee, part of the script writing, part of the cast... so he got ridiculed in front of EVERYONE... and he literally ran away when the scene mocking him occurred. When my classmates decided to ridicule him (this was after the final D&D), I was ready for my 30 pieces of silver, thankyouverymuch.

The ex-P ran away when I had a polite conversation with his long-distance girlfriend... who he hadn't told me about. He physically abandoned her in front of his colleagues; he didn't even bother introducing her. She had moved all the way from CA to NM to be with him.

"Maybe his pride a little, but for a narcissist, it's a lot"-I realized that with the ex-P. When a NORMAL teacher feels his students don't respect his authority, he does discipline, it may hurt his feelings, but it's like a bruise. He may better himself. But for a NARC teacher, when he feels he lacks authority, it's like hemophilia, with massive internal bleeding. One Catholic marriage manual says "Women in win the war of love by attacking a man's pride/ego." I guess what I did to the ex-P was the equivalent to Operation Overlord (that was the Normandy D-Day Invasion),a Blitzkrieg, and a Mongol horde combined.

"I loved seeing him lose his money, his website, I didn't have to do a thing actually"-Same here. The ex-P married his butch live-in girlfriend because he impregnated her around the time I left. He HATED marriage. He HATED HATED children. He had been happy to be on his own in NM... with his parents in MA. He savored his independence. As soon as the twins were born, his parents moved in WITH HIM to raise them. It wasn't so much loss as gain. He even got tenure... and he HATED teaching. Some ladies here hope their Ns/Ps lose their jobs. For me, I thought "He'd have too much time on his hands. He'd blame ME. He'd go after ME." He was paranoid that I'd destroy his career.

He found teaching incredibly dull. He considered his students stupid.

One time, when I broke NC, I wrote to him "I wonder how your Mommy and Daddy put up with you"--afterwards realizing that um, his parents live WITH HIM. Ouch.

Karma does a better job of revenge than we do! The ex-P's father put him in a causality forum (all about consequences-I told the ex-P he couldn't run from consequences forever)--and while it sounds like something *I* would've done, his father did it. The ex-P's girlfriend got pregnant--and I had NOTHING to do with her ovulation! I still see tenure as a form of punishment.

Deidre40's picture

soapergirl

Hmmm....now that sounds like it could have been entertaining to watch. :D

I will say. The guy that I broke it off with recently. He has a miserable life. 4 failed marriages. Kids that want nothing to do with him. Bad relationships with all ex wives. Huge anger issues. His dad needs to run to his rescue with work all the time (they're in the same industry) And on and on it goes.

I had a male friend tell me ...''sounds like this guy just conquers women, and when he's done...he goes on to the next.'' And that is really the mindset of a narc, when we think about it. They ''collect'' women. They have no sense of values, their moral compass is totally defective.

So, revenge is his language totally. If he saw me in that guy's diary. Oh boy. Game on, in the narc's mind. He would think it flattery, knowing him. Look at Dee. Trying to get my attention, because I posted some pics of women. haha No thanks. I don't want to fuel his ego any further.

Remember...narcs like ANY KIND OF ATTENTION. We could be calling them assholes, or praising them to the high heavens...they take it as the same thing. Attention on them.

That's part of their disorder. So, thank the Lord (literally) that I didn't seek that path today, for all it would have done is empty me out...and fill the narc up.

Thank you much for sharing your story. It's amazing to me how much our narcs have in common.

wisdomneeded's picture

Blessed by

Blessed by your posts Deidre! All of them actually. This one really reached into my soul...specifically~

"I was being honest with myself. Then, I felt God urge me to rethink that 'strategy.' If I continue this 'game,' I'll be back in this spiral with the narc. I want peace. Christ can't bring me to a place of peace, if I keep placing myself back into the drama and chaos".

How true. Christ can not bring us peace if we keep going around the same mountain of drama and chaos. Actually had an opportunity to see the N's brother today, and was tempted to walk up to say "hello"! What for? What would it have accomplished? I DIDN'T...

Your prayer is beautiful. May we all have eyes to see, and the grace to let go of the whole ordeal. Only then will we be truly healed and can move forward. I pray this for you and I and every woman on this forum. Happy Easter

Ladydb123's picture

Help from anyone

Wisdom, I hear your pain so very well, why did we get to be the chosen ones. Fight back is all we can do. Pray and try to help another woman going through this maddness. I am doing my very best to not slip or fall again, because I cared about this sicko.

However, the Empathic I am wants to help the OW he just fucked over because I know her pain and confusion. I know her as well. Should I reach out to her or mind my own business. I don't want to put either of us in harms way, but this heavy on my heart and mind. Praying for Peace for Us All.....

Hunter's picture

Lady

Leave it only, He will make you look like the cry one. If you know her and she is having a problem she may come to you.

Hunter

Ladydb123's picture

Thank U Hunter

I was thinking on the same lines, however I wanted to get another perspective. I know that my story is different because I survived my 1st Narc ex-hus and my brother. I was just his used friend. I know her, because he introduced her to me; he described her to me as his perfect woman, and now he is destroying her too. My heart wanted to help......Peace

Deidre40's picture

wisdom...

{{{{hugs}}}} wisdom!

Yes. When we give these matters over to God. The confusion and fog clears. God is rather simple. He basically tells us...Follow me. Would God want me to stoop to the level I wished to stoop? And people know me on there as a christian 'voice,' somewhat. I don't preach, but I've shared my faith enough for them to know. So, to stoop. If I were to go into the one man's journal I was thinking of...basically USE him to get back at narc. What the heck? I would be no better than the narc. An eye for an eye and the whole world goes blind...as Ghandi once said.

So. I digress. lol I will sit back, and watch him try to get my attention. Act like the immature man he is. And I will pray for this man. God can change anyone. If He could give me the courage to break up with this man. He can change this man. In a small way, his antics have piped down. But, that probably has more to do with many posters on there verbally beating him up over his behavior, than anything. lol But, still. He has a lot of 'fans.' (he calls them that) lol

God makes things simple. We make things complicated. ;)

God bless you wisdom!!!!

wisdomneeded's picture

God makes things simple!

:o)))) Thank you so much Deidere! I know I for one make things complicated, because I AM ADDICTED TO REASONING AND TRYING TO FIGURE THINGS OUT! There is no figuring this out.

You are ABSOLUTELY right if God can give the courage to break up then He can do anything. Anyways it is between the N and God. I was once told by a counselor the more I try to fix the N the less opportunity there is for God to get in there and bring about the "real change"!

LOL - He has a lot of 'fans.' Ha Ha Not on this board he doesn't.

Thanks again for your insight - Blessings Deidre

Deidre40's picture

And you know what wisdom? I

And you know what wisdom? I realized today. This man only seeks to hurt me. If he says a kind word, there's an agenda.

He only seeks to hurt me. AND for that very reason. Is why I ended it.

'nuff said! ;)

Big hugs for you two fine ladies :=)

Swan's picture

revenge

Revenge may be sweet but self respect and dignity are so much sweeter.
To anyone itching for revenge: You are a better person than that. Keep your head held high and focus on healing yourself and evolving into a stronger healthier you.
<3 hugs

SoaperGirl's picture

Why Not Have It All?

From my POV, I got it all. I got revenge, reclaimed my self-respect and dignity. I can now smile and laugh, walk away knowing I won because I beat him big time! I don't care about him anymore. I am at peace.

The ass-wipe paid and I did not have to curl up with religious homilies to try to make myself feel better. I have become a much stronger person, without regrets. Everybody has their own way of coping, and there's nothing wrong with that.

In fact, at one point, a psychiatric social worker, and a psychiatrist I saw both agreed (to my surprise) that I am a much stronger and healthier person than most people. I'm scrapper, and I don't give up.

I easily hold my head high, and my healing is almost complete - perhaps I'm even already there. I don't cry anymore over him. I don't go into deep dark depression. This was what was right for me and I judge no one else for making different choices. I think it's wonderful!

Kudos to all those who have their own way of coping whatever it may be..more power to you! Whatever works for you to aid your healing is the right way. It's just not the same for everybody.

I wish you all the very best that life has to offer!

FINALLYFREE2BME's picture

Hi, I completely get it! I

Hi,
I completely get it! I think the best revenge is a combo of living well *and* outing them.
As for living well: Now I have a wonderful fiance who's better looking and more talented than N(kind, good looking, supportive, college educated and a lead guitar player in a local classic rock band),and I have a wonderful life with tons of friends.

As for "outing him":
I turned his friends on him (they all come out to hear my fiance's band)
His coffee group at Starbucks ousted him.
My fiance's band is popular and well respected at the N's fav bar so I told all of the bartenders and regulars that he's a predator, plus the head of the local chapter of "Predator Patrol" who is also a Hells Angel.

Heh.

agitating prop's picture

scrapper too

I'm a total warrior. I told the narc after a second minor spat, where he went no contact on me, that if he EVER walked again, with little justification, to just keep walking. The first time he went NC on me, I deflated like an old tire, too weak to move. I was numb and in shock. Seeing as I could reason his point of view for doing this, I absorbed it and seeing as it was just a few days, we took up where we left off.

The second time almost killed me. I have a chronic illness, one of the features of which is major insomnia, which contributes to searing muscle pain. Again, after all but grovelling and pleading with him to get back to me, he did, after about 4 days. Again, I reasoned that it was an honest misunderstanding. In retrospect, I realize no decent person would do this to a chronically ill person, with almost zero provocation. As angry or hurt or diminished one feels, as a partner, they have to minimize damage to self and other party, by being above board, honest and open to discuss or even yell and scream about what's bothering them.

The last time I heard from him was 4 1/2 months ago. I begged him to get back to me, not to kiss and makeup but to end it honourably. I have since communicated with him to express my deep confusion, not about why he did it, so much as the method. But never have I expressed to the ass clown that I wanted him back. The only way I would have wanted him delivered was at the end of an elastic cord attached to a whiffle bat where I could pound his ass for eternity.

I am moving towards indifference and the ONLY reason I'm not seeking revenge is because it would undermine the indifference I richly deserve. Does he deserve revenge? Oh yeah....a boat load of it. But I can't touch, can't begin to outclass the universe in this area. The mother of coincidence, karma, synchronicity, is going to cook up such a rich brew of pay back for him, I honestly feel a certain amount of sympathy for him. He's in for a brutal lesson.

We definitely all need to deal with deep betrayal and dismissal in our own way. I would never judge someone who got in a swift kick to narc's groin, as they shut the door on their narc forever. I'd applaud them, if they could do it without hurting themselves in the process.

As far as maintaining dignity? Why? Who cares what a nasty human being thinks about his victim? As a matter of fact, if the universe or God doesn't appear to be doing it, and it makes the narc think twice about D and D'ing other women, it's not a bad idea. In this case, God helps those who help themselves. But, to qualify, it all depends on the type of narc and the type of woman involved. If revenge keeps the victim in an obsessive mind set about them, it ends up backfiring.

Deidre40's picture

agitating prop

This is interesting, prop. When I'm not in such a down mood, I'll reply.

I'm sorry you suffered so... :=(