I was at the gym this afternoon...stewing over how my ex N refuses to take down my profile pics. And how he posted these porn-type pics all over the place to 'get to me.' I could care less, though. I have known him for some time, before we started dating...and he was posting all those types of pics for a long time. So, why he thinks it bothers me, no clue. But, I know he thinks it does. If anything, it makes him look like a clueless ass...today, is the day before Easter, and that's how he is conducting himself? He did grow up Catholic. *eye roll* We're dealing with a man close to 40. Wonders never cease. lol
So, I decided earlier...I'm going to talk to all the men he 'forbid' me to talk to, when we were dating. I'm going to post in this one's guy's diary...who he absolutely loathes. Yeah, that's it. He'll be sure to remove those profile pics then!
Then, I felt God tap me on the shoulder, during my workout.
And His still small voice...''Dee, do you really want to stoop to his level?'' I thought for a moment. It wouldn't be stooping, Lord. I was pals with all these guys before him. Then, I felt God ask me again...''But, is your motivation that...or is it revenge?'' And I was honest with myself, and God. I thought...I want those damn profile comments down...and I know, if I posted to those men...he'd remove them. I WANT TO DRIVE HIM TO TAKE THEM DOWN.
I was being honest with myself. Then, I felt God urge me to rethink that 'strategy.' If I continue this 'game,' I'll be back in this spiral with the narc. I want peace. Christ can't bring me to a place of peace, if I keep placing myself back into the drama and chaos.
So. I decided to make myself invisible when online. So he can't see when I'm online. (which is a God send for real lol) And, to ignore him. To try with all my might, to just stick in sections I know he won't be in...and go into sections I've never crossed over in. I also plan to not be on there all that much, anymore. Just lessen my time. When I'm away from that site, I do feel safer...better...calmer.
So, I wanted to encourage you all. When you are feeling like you want your narc 'to pay,' rethink that. All that does is make you like them. Truly. I don't want to be like him. He's a lost soul. Someone who wants to hurt others for his own sick gain. It makes him feel manly to hurt me. Why would I want to be remotely LIKE THAT?
So, thank you Lord for giving me eyes to see today, what You see. May I let go of this whole ordeal once and for all, by Your strength and grace.
Just wanted to share with you all.