Cherry12's Story

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#1 Apr 20 - 2AM
Cherry12
Cherry12's picture

Cherry12's Story

Breaking up, then together again, then he leaving me, then wanting to come back

Hi, I'm new here.

I have been living with my Narc for 3 years, (the usual story, knight-in-shining-armor before we moved together, my perfect soulmate, my parents adored him, 8 hours of awesome sex per day together, he literally laid roses before my feet, etcetc)
After we moved together, no sex at all (because he is tired, it is summer, he is allergic, he is sad because he has no job, etc), but everything else was fine. Then all slowly deteriorated. We ended up with him playing computer games all day long and then watching tv, and me working my *ss off during the day, then cooking for him (which he always appraised), then me begging for sex which he always refused, then me trying to comfort him and make him feel good because he is down because of this or that (which obviously he caused for himself - no work - no friends - no life).
We sometimes had sex though, once in 2 months, but it was not what I was used to in the beginning. And he always told me not to hug him or touch him because he is so irritated (when we begun he was literally all over me, which I loved so much). In the beginning we talked for nights long, about deep emotional topics, in the end, he only said 'hi'.
Then someone came, who loved me just because I am who I am, and I started to question my relationship with my Narc. I was literally torn into pieces, because I loved my Narc so much. The other guy is not in my life anymore though, I couldn't do that. We sometimes talk, but nothing more.
After months of struggle (during which my Narc tried to reconcile, and was nice to me again, and brought me flowers, and hugged me, and wanted me, and I just couldn't believe any of it) I have kicked him out. Because I felt betrayed, and I felt so alone, and I felt that all the positive things I experience are a lie.
Then after a few weeks have passed, I begged him to return, since I felt that it was a rushed decision from my side, and I was evil because I did not believe that he wanted to make things right.
Then we "tried it again" - living apart though for 3 months, then he told me (in March 25) he needed "a break" because he wanted to be sure, apart from me, that he wanted to propose me and have a real family together.
I was literally going insane after a week of constant crying and crawling on the floor (because it just wasn't rational at all, to leave someone to then marry her), that was when I found out (in his secret blog that I have found, and then in his email inbox - I know it is not right to hack it, but I just couldnt bear the uncertainty). he has been in love with someone for months at least. And claimed to her that he couldnt see the woman in me anymore.
The OW was the fiancee of one of his best friends, and he took her. She is different from me in any way possible (and she is happy and energetic and childish, while I'm drained, and serious).
Then she dumped my Narc (info from his blog), and after 10 days of being a dumpee, he called me (this was this Saturday), that he has finished thinking, and he now knows that I'm the love of his life and wants to love me forever, and now he grew up and only wants to be with me, and does not want to be alone.
Just when I thought, that I have accepted that he has left me for good and will not come back, and I have to move on with my life, and sometimes having a good moment here and there, he called.
This call resulted in me getting a severe fever in an instant, and quite serious bladder problems.
I told him, with my last spark of energy that I do not really have free time now, but I will contact him as soon as I do and we will talk about it. He asked me at least six times about what I think, but I have managed to avoid to answer.
So now I'm trying to work, and "get on with my life", but every time my phone rings, I almost get a heart attack.
He still has my stuff and I still have his.
And I am still addicted to him with every molecule of my body and every breath of my soul and every beat of my heart. Each second is an unbearable struggle for me in order not to conctact him.
And the usual feeling that I'm not worthy of love if he does not love him, and that I'm ruining my life currently, just with these moments that I don't contact him and don't continue with him.

Apr 20 - 6PM
TLSM
TLSM's picture

Yikes...BEEN THERE!

I totally was addicted...I think we all were. The addiction takes over your life. I equated that to love -that I was so in love and that he was the love of my life. NO NO NO... I clearly see this altered -state I was in wasn't love at all...It was a very unhealthy, obsessive, and HIGHLY FRIGHTENING and DESPERATE state to HOLD ON TO HIM with everything I had - all which heightened my addiction...I needed him, wanted and had to have him desperatley...That is fucked up and that is EXACTLY what they strive for!!! I guaran-damn-tee, if you go back, HE WILL DESTROY YOU and LEAVE YOU... You would have NEVER found out about this other chick if you didn't hack into his email. I would have given anything to have that chance! I would have broken up with him years ago, I bet! This paragraph you wrote struck me... "The OW was the fiancee of one of his best friends, and he took her. She is different from me in any way possible (and she is happy and energetic and childish, while I'm drained, and serious" Yes...She probably is REALLY different from you...Happy Energetic and child-like...YOU KNOW WHY???? SHE HAS NOT BEEN EXPOSED TO THE NARC 24/7 LIKE YOU HAVE!!! And when and if she is exposed, SHE WILL BE OUT OF HER MIND LIKE YOU ARE NOW. And YES... You are DEFINITELY DRAINED AND SERIOUS....You know WHY?? YOU HAVE BEEN EXPOSED TO THE NARC 24/7!!! HE SUCKED YOUR ENERGY AND POISONED YOU! I picture myself WITH the Narc and without. Although it is hard(but getting easier)at times, IT IS A HELL OF ALOT BETTER THAN BEING IN A CONSTANT STATE OF.... "WHERE IS HE NOW? WHAT IS HE DOING? WAS THAT A LIE? I FEEL SO WRONG AROUND HIM! SOMETHING ISN'T RIGHT WITH HIM! I KNOW HE TREATS ME LIKE SHIT, BUT I CAN'T ESCAPE! OMG, HE ISN'T ANSWERING HIS PHONE! WHY ISN'T HE BEING AFFECTIONATE LIKE IN THE BEGINNING? WHY DOESN'T HE WANT TO HAVE SEX? WHO DOES HE HAVE ON THE SIDE NOW???" OMG...What a nightmare it was to be with him... I am telling you...Stay the F away!!!
Apr 20 - 10AM
Scoop
Scoop's picture

Good lord where we dating the

Good lord where we dating the same man ! I so relate to youre story , its the same as mine . some one posted on the message board about narc supply i think it was last night and that is an excelent read "fear for my sanity " posted it under "understanding about narc supply " i read this this morning and i eurge everyone to look at it .Its uncomfortable reading and for thoses of you freash out of the relationships it could almost seem unbelieveable that there are people living among us like that but as time gose by and you hear the same story and you read all you can personality disorders are very real . I bet youre head is spinning right now but i can say the fog will lift and you will piece the bits togther and have so many light bulb moments .. lots of crying lots of looking after youre self and most importantly no contact . Big love and thanks for sharing youre story . xxx
Apr 20 - 7AM
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

{{{hugs}}} My heart is

{{{hugs}}} My heart is pounding after reading all this. We all can relate in some way to your story. I am so sorry for your pain. Something telling/revealing you say towards the end...you are addicted to this man. KEEP SAYING THAT TO YOURSELF. For, this really isn't love. In the beginning, we all felt love for these men/women. But, once someone is abusing us, and we keep going back, keep accepting it? I think it says more about us, than them. Why do we accept it? What are we lacking and trying so desperately to get from this person to help us feel whole? Because you will never have a healthy, whole relationship with him. Plus, you found proof he was cheating. Then, he gets dumped and comes back to you. Again, that is not love. You are supply for his ego. And the beginning stages were a means to his end. I know this is very hard to hear. I didn't want to believe this either with the guy I just left. But, when something feels too good to be true...99% chance it is. The fairy tale like feelings that you had in the beginning...are very common with these types. They want to make you so enamored, that you can't think of anything else but them. Falling in love does sometimes feel intoxicating, with the healthiest of people. But, healthy people don't turn on us. As soon as I uttered the words...I love you, mine changed. Slowly...and then, after about a month, I could do nothing right. I was being discarded. Mine would never leave though. I had to leave. It was hard. But, I could no longer go day in and day out, like you are saying here...with my heart in my throat. That is how I felt. I had no identity, he had stripped it of me. But? I let him strip me of it. And that is the key. These men/women may be narcs...but if after all the writing on the wall, we still allow the abuse, then that is on us.
Apr 20 - 6AM
skystar
skystar's picture

Can you imagine spending the

Can you imagine spending the rest of your life in this cycle? The rest of my life is short. Too short to spend as anyone's punching bag, verbal, phyiscal, mental, emotional. Imagine a 64 year old man who continues to progress and behave in the same old predictable way. I'm just too damn scrappy. He will not spend another dime of my dwindling funds courting two or three other women. I lost two husbands to cancer. I am a good woman and I dont deserve this disrespectful, uncaring ass in my life. The only thing he gave me, I'm keeping. Its an A with wings. I told my friends I keep it because it reminds me that narcs are flying assholes.