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Being Alone w/ Yourself

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#1 Apr 13 - 7AM
momoya
momoya's picture

Being Alone w/ Yourself

At the start of his dissapearance and NC to be by myself was so difficult. The silence in the room was too much for me. I wanted distractions yet couldn' find motivation to move myself off the sofa some days. My mind was intensely focused on him, on what happened, on those last conversations, on his behavior, and I was just getting a glimpse of the tip of the iceburg.

I was obsessive. I could not sleep. I would take sleeping pills, I would have a few glasses of wine I wanted to 'knock' my self out. I really didn't want to be 'here' anymore it was tooo painful.

Just being with my self was hard. Walking my dog I couldn't hear the birds chirp or see the sun shine anymore.

Being alone with suddenly so..alone.

Why would he NOT speak to me?

Why would he do this?

Oh, how we torture ourselves during this phases. It is called a fog for a reason.

So, can you be alone right now? What does it feel like?

Going NC in a way puts us right smack back in touch with ourselves and that doesn't feel very good. So much of our focus is on them, not ourself, suddenly our feelings becoming overwhelming and force us to pay attention.

Any thoughts?

Apr 13 - 6PM
Tinker
Tinker's picture

loved ur post

i saw my N a month ago, and we had a great time. he was making plans of us spending a lot of time this summer which i didn't believe but it sounded good. then he cancelled the next time tog, then absolutely nothing. this time, i'm more prepared for it and mentally am letting go. although it's still sad, it hasn't made me the zombie i was last summer. everyone said it would get better, and it does, so don't despair. go thru the motions now, force yourself to interact a little and remember the small percentage of the time that things were actually good!!!
Apr 13 - 6PM
kgirl
kgirl's picture

Being alone isn't sounding so

Being alone isn't sounding so bad to me anymore. It used to make me feel anxious, empty, and sad. All I could think about when I was alone was my N. Now I feel OK...there's a calm setting in. But that's just today!....tomorrow I could be freaking out again :) ~KG
Apr 13 - 4PM
Steph
Steph's picture

Excellent post. I said in

Excellent post. I said in another post, being alone really propels us forward....getting to know ourself again. It's a painful process but the outcome is so worth it. I think you realize that even when you were with the narc....you were still very "alone" anyways. He was just a physical presence. I'd rather feel "alone" and be single than feel "alone" and be stuck in a relationship.
Apr 13 - 12PM
spinning
spinning's picture

momoya, I agree...

...though I've lived alone for a long time and the disordered one I was involved with rarely spent the night (I liked that)... ...initially after work I went home, got in the robe and warm clothes and zombie-like went through the motions. In some ways, dealing with a parent's end of life situation was a blessing in disguise, though also very painful. Loss everywhere. The thing is, it helped me focus on what is really important; what has meaning and what really sustains me. It is only now after five months since the brutal D & D and NC that I am going outside of my comfort zone, getting out a little and doing things that make me feel good. Spiritual pursuits that have opened some doors...it is amazing and I'm just going with the flow. I do not mind being alone with myself so much now. I do not feel so lonely and bereft. I appreciate the peace and freedom and lack of high drama. I no longer take any sleeping pills. Haven't for over a month! That's huge! I was taking them every night when with the N, and sometimes more than one after... ...I am not on any drugs at all. No anti-depressants. Wine, yes. But not so much any more. I feel a shift. I'm committed to doing the work. I'm no longer so obsessed or interested in the pain. I feel like I see the disordered one more clearly than I ever did in the past six years and truly am not interested in what he may or may not be up to with whomever. I rarely even think of revenge anymore, and am getting one step closer to tossing the crap he left behind into the trash... ...I'm glad you started this post. Getting back in touch with the 'real spinning,' the person the disordered one wanted to emulate so badly, the passionate, creative, happy pre-spinning spinning is slowly happening...and good things are coming from it. Sincerely (finally stopping) spinning

spinning

Apr 13 - 12PM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Being Alone

At first was difficult, but I also used it as a calling to get back in touch with ME and to dabble on things spritual. I also believe that sometimes, we are almost forced into seclusion kicking and screaming but those times when we are forced into such isolation it is actually the universe pulling us to a higher calling. Hugs!
Apr 13 - 7PM (Reply to #2)
JLMNY1
JLMNY1's picture

Getting better

This is a good post. I used to really value my alone time. Before, when the exN and I were long distance and before I knew what living with him would be like, I told him how much I needed alone time. I just like to be alone, relax, read. He expressed concern over this because when you live with someone, there's not much alone time. Then I moved in with him, and I got my alone time. He was with his daughter several times a week, then he had his sports, and sports every morning before work, and his weekend stuff. When I looked at the whole picture the week before we broke up, I realized I was alone a lot during the relationship. I brought it up, and that's what trigged the whole meltdown. After we broke up, we were still living in the same apartment for 2 weeks. That's when he D&D'd me and was living his single life again, pursuing other girls, staying out late. I would sit home alone and go absolutely crazy. I couldn't stand it. When I finally moved away, I went to visit family for two weeks for the support and the company. I had to move in with my parents (and I'm still job searching) but they are retired and always home. I'm thankful for the company, but I'm starting to branch out and want to be alone again. I went to the park the other day, I go to the store alone, just anything to get out. It gets better. It's helped me with the healing process, and I'm also getting back to my spiritual side. What is still a struggle for me is sleeping. I wake up after only 2 hours or so, and it's up and down the rest of the night. I'm always exhausted.