Going NC...some thoughts
Going NC...some thoughts
I can't say it's been especially 'hard' going NC today. I think because I recognize that what he and I had, was a facade. I say 'we,' because I don't think I really loved the guy, as I had thought. I think my notion of love truly is/was changing, from this ordeal.
Love, growing up...was always based on conditions. If I did this or that, I was received better. After my parents died, I hardly ever heard I love you, from my sister/BIL. I remember he would be harsh, controlling, and an overall asshole, and my sister would defend him by saying...'you know he loves you.' As a kid, you get a very twisted idea of what love really is, then.
Heard from him a few times in text, today. I turned my phone on just now...it was freeing to have it off.
The texts were brief...basically the theme was ...why am I not writing back.
The last one...he basically says...''looks like we're done, again. have it your way, Dee.''
I would be very surprised if he hoovered after this. Not after how he acted this weekend...chasing me, and feeling like he lost his pride in that. This whole thing is sad. I had high hopes for us. We clicked on many levels. But...in the end, I was in an abusive relationship. No amount of good sex, and fun times, and connecting on 'levels,' could wash that truth away. I will say--I gave him love. I find myself very sad right now, all of a sudden.
I know I did the right thing. It's not that. It's that I trusted this man. And he hurt me. And he probably thinks I've hurt him. They are human...they can feel pain. But, I just know one thing. Had I not ended things today. Had after last night's manipulative episode...I had acted today like all was well...I know another episode would be coming. There would be something else I'd say or do wrong...and the cycle would never end. I also started to take note that he ceased apologizing after he was clearly in the wrong with his actions.
I think when we go NC, everyone? We have to tell ourselves this. Instead of dwelling on the 'oh, we had such high hopes...'' and that keeps us locked in sadness. We have to tell ourselves...what might today look like if I wasn't NC with him/her? What might today look like if I decided to sweep my feeling from last night under the rug?
The feelings will ebb and flow. I have felt sorrow for him. For the loss of a relationship. For being abused. For a variety of things. My friend said...he no doubt is hurting, and probably is finding it difficult to combat your silence today.
Sometimes, I feel my silence today is punishing...that this is what he may think. But, I know what it's for. It's for me. I think we forget about ourselves in this mix. To focus on me, seems abnormal today. I've spent so much time focusing on him.
Please tell me this will get easier. I hope it does.
PS--I was texting a friend, and got a text from him...that said...''you're a fuckin quitter and liar, Dee!''
Does he truly not see his culpability in what happened???
No, I don't think he sees his
Diedre