Going NC...some thoughts

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#1 Apr 12 - 10AM
Deidre40
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Going NC...some thoughts

I can't say it's been especially 'hard' going NC today. I think because I recognize that what he and I had, was a facade. I say 'we,' because I don't think I really loved the guy, as I had thought. I think my notion of love truly is/was changing, from this ordeal.

Love, growing up...was always based on conditions. If I did this or that, I was received better. After my parents died, I hardly ever heard I love you, from my sister/BIL. I remember he would be harsh, controlling, and an overall asshole, and my sister would defend him by saying...'you know he loves you.' As a kid, you get a very twisted idea of what love really is, then.

Heard from him a few times in text, today. I turned my phone on just now...it was freeing to have it off.

The texts were brief...basically the theme was ...why am I not writing back.

The last one...he basically says...''looks like we're done, again. have it your way, Dee.''

I would be very surprised if he hoovered after this. Not after how he acted this weekend...chasing me, and feeling like he lost his pride in that. This whole thing is sad. I had high hopes for us. We clicked on many levels. But...in the end, I was in an abusive relationship. No amount of good sex, and fun times, and connecting on 'levels,' could wash that truth away. I will say--I gave him love. I find myself very sad right now, all of a sudden.

I know I did the right thing. It's not that. It's that I trusted this man. And he hurt me. And he probably thinks I've hurt him. They are human...they can feel pain. But, I just know one thing. Had I not ended things today. Had after last night's manipulative episode...I had acted today like all was well...I know another episode would be coming. There would be something else I'd say or do wrong...and the cycle would never end. I also started to take note that he ceased apologizing after he was clearly in the wrong with his actions.

I think when we go NC, everyone? We have to tell ourselves this. Instead of dwelling on the 'oh, we had such high hopes...'' and that keeps us locked in sadness. We have to tell ourselves...what might today look like if I wasn't NC with him/her? What might today look like if I decided to sweep my feeling from last night under the rug?

The feelings will ebb and flow. I have felt sorrow for him. For the loss of a relationship. For being abused. For a variety of things. My friend said...he no doubt is hurting, and probably is finding it difficult to combat your silence today.

Sometimes, I feel my silence today is punishing...that this is what he may think. But, I know what it's for. It's for me. I think we forget about ourselves in this mix. To focus on me, seems abnormal today. I've spent so much time focusing on him.

Please tell me this will get easier. I hope it does.

PS--I was texting a friend, and got a text from him...that said...''you're a fuckin quitter and liar, Dee!''

Does he truly not see his culpability in what happened???

Apr 12 - 12PM
really
really's picture

No, I don't think he sees his

No, I don't think he sees his responsibility in it. I really don't think they have they ability to do that - reflect, try to improve. Their self-awareness is extremely limited. Like a child, they may know when they've "been bad", but they only know that based on external factors and peoples' reactions. Specific actions only get interpreted as bad or a problem once they see someone reacting to it as thought it is. It is not an internal process. Similarly, their validation comes from the outside world as well. And yes, it is very sad. At some point in their childhoods, they were made to feel either so bad about their actions that this is a constant state if they are not one of those on the other end of the spectrum that was glorified and could do no wrong. My N had a father that, from my observation and his comments, that I suspect is also an N and a mother who was a doormat. I felt sad for that little kid who couldn't do anything right. And I thought that I was going to show him that he is good enough and that he's an amazing person. And I accepted him as he was, issues and all, because we ALL have those. And, in the end, he couldn't handle it. That the thing - If you accept them as they are, they can't respect you for tolerating them and their BS. And if you walk away, you're a bitch like those that have come before you. There is no workable ground. It will get easier, but it will take time.
Apr 12 - 11AM
michele115 (not verified)
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Diedre

Love, growing up...was always based on conditions. If I did this or that, I was received better. After my parents died, I hardly ever heard I love you, from my sister/BIL. I remember he would be harsh, controlling, and an overall asshole, and my sister would defend him by saying...'you know he loves you.' As a kid, you get a very twisted idea of what love really is, then. I think what you said above...is one piece of the puzzle as to the dynamics of what kept you hooked. You have made some very wonderful connections, I know it is painful very painful and hard to embrace and deal with...there is such an inner push pull to resist...your mind "knows" but your heart betrays all good sense! You said something else, you referenced his viewing it as punishment...that may be... BUT what he does is punishing to you and we can't if we really love ourselves, allow ourselves to be sacraficed by THEIR punishment and put them and their needs before US. We need to love ourselves, protect ourselves and take care of ourselves. I note you said your sister never said she loved you much if at all - and btw I'm sorry for the loss of your parents. THAT right there is a wound/emptiness that we carry through and we have to do a lot of work to fill that...we all have losses and things that wound us and it takes time to even recognize how profound those losses/wounds are. Not having heard I love you from your sister - I assume in some ways she was affected to and perhaps was unable to deal with her emotions, her coping mechanism may have been to DETACH emotionally as well, and so you are brought up with this and it's all normal - interesting to note she thinks he does love you...but on the terms of how SHE relates to the world and on some level, she may also relate from a DETACHED perspective. This doesn't mean she's a narc, but more as a means of protection. So when you look at the history, your background, we are all molded by the messages we have received...they were our blueprint. I too was in a way abused as a child and because it wasn't blatant but more on the emotional neglect side, that to me was NORMAL - but the reality is - it's not normal as humans we all have a basic biological need to connect, love and be loved. When we develop dysfunctional patterns from our environment, they follow us. That does not make us disordered, to blame, or in any way inferior, but we become called when faced with these issues...this Narc thing can become a very profound AHA moment for you - when you do the work, you can then understand why the past has been so jagged - but once aware, come to accept your needs as being okay, learn to understand what those needs are, learn to accept that to be needy doesn't make you a freak - or weak...that is is okay to have needs and it is okay to express them, it is okay to also WANT love an affection, that we are not only ones who can GIVE but are also ENTITLED to receive. This for me was a problem, I was molded to be a caretaker. I won't say this is necessarily a co-dependent thing, although for some it CAN be, you'd have to make that determination...but if environment has played a role in your thinking process, rather than labeling it anything, I'd classify it a fact of life. Basic psychology 101 says: We are products of our environment. Hence we will develop patterns. BUT one we become aware of those patterns, we do have the power to change them become aware of them and do the work to figure out who we are, and then nurture ourselves, be kind to ourselves, pamper ourselves, indulge ourselves until we feel whole. Society gives us mixed messages, all these things we as women are supposed to be: Selfless but don't be needy Look at all the magazines, they are all geared towards how to please a man...where is the men's magazine telling him how to please us other than the famous: "how to find her G-spot?" It's not there...well, biologically we too have needs...on a human level - and we have to begin to accept that and stop drinking the kool aid that is it weak or defective to ASSERT our needs as well. Hugs!