Can't Let go of him because he had the last word?!

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#1 Apr 11 - 8PM

Arwen

Can't Let go of him because he had the last word?!

Ummm...I should be suicidally depressed over the ending of a relationship that I was always leaving anyway? Yes, it seems I am these days at times, and I think it's because it feels like he had the last word when the final and amazingly nasty and hurtful D&D came from him. I know that I was the one always challenging him and leaving him and that caused him to act with so much fury, his poor bruised ego, but I STILL feel this depressed cause I didn't put the final nail in the coffin. Does anyone else feel this way? I just want to let go and I can't. And I'm so freaking stressed and anxious because of it.

#2 Apr 12 - 7AM

ABC0311

Used to struggle with this

This is something that I used to struggle with until I finally realized that it really didn’t matter because he never really listened. I really really really wanted him to listen to what I was saying so that he would understand where I was coming from and possibly change. Won’t happen. I know that now so I don’t waste my breath.

#3 Apr 12 - 9PM (Reply to #28)

Steph

ABC....

so true.....and IF they DO listen.....it isn't out of compassion....it's to see if there is anything there they can use to manipulate you later.

#4 Apr 11 - 9PM

Steph

Silence is your last word.

Silence is your last word. Any word you speak to him would be lost in space...the empty space between his ears. You NOT trying to engage with him for ANY purpose...to be nice or to "let him have it" says he is not even worth your time. Think about that. He is so insignificant....that you can't even bother to say anything to him. May not be a last "word" but it is definately your final 'message'. xoxo

#5 Apr 12 - 8PM (Reply to #25)

strongerthanever

Silence is golden. What I've

Silence is golden. What I've realized is that I am not going to argue with stupid. He is saying that I was the one that cheated and that is not true. He is saying that he was faithful. OMG! Not the truth at all. And that he broke up with me. WTF? I kicked him out! LOL! It is maddening and his wife totally believes him. So, let her believe and I'm not going to try to defend everything. He knows he is shit. His own mom knows that he is not much of a man. He is big spoiled brat. His sister even told me this a while back. So, I am not going to defend myself, try to convince people that he is lying. I am just going silent and not worry about what a liar/cheater is saying about me. And I feel sorry for the wife who is totally blind whether this is by choice or not. Best to not argue with stupid.

#6 Apr 12 - 9PM (Reply to #26)

Steph

stongerthanever

i love your philosophy: "I am not going to argue with stupid" Simpe statement.....with SO MUCH TRUTH. Good on you for getting that......that nothing you say to him will have an affect. That is a really healthy thought you have there....to not worry about what HE("a liar and cheater") thinks...and to not feel like you have to "defend" or prove yourself. You know the truth. That is All that matters. Karma will take care of the rest, no doubt. High fives to you, strong one!! xoxo

#7 Apr 12 - 7AM (Reply to #24)

Lisa E. Scott

Yep!

StayingStrong is right: "Silence is your last word. Any word you speak to him would be lost in space...the empty space between his ears."

#8 Apr 11 - 9PM (Reply to #14)

Arwen

I haven't had contact with

I haven't had contact with him in almost two months and that was a two word text in total exchanged between the two of us. Right before that he had sent me a FB email out of the blue (not out of the blue because another man on FB gave me public attention) "nice pic baby" and "still miss ya xoxo". BABY? Now I'm your baby again?! Of course. Some hot guy on FB sees a hot pic of me and says something - like clockwork I get an email from him. He said he would call me next morning, and "is it ok if I call you?". ASSHOLE. NEVER called of course! I predicted that as well but it didn't f--k with my head any less. I will never ever contact him. Way too proud. So contact is a non-issue. It's what I am feeling now that is the problem.

#9 Apr 12 - 3AM (Reply to #15)

neverlookback

but you did

have the last word, you told him to go to hell by your silence. Silence eats at them - you have no idea what that does to them, its the worst thing you can inflict on a person who wants constant attention and validation - its the exact opposite of what they LIVE FOR, its like a junkie who cant get his fix, no different, he is OUT of the drug he got from you - he wants that drug just as much as we wanted them to LOVE US, so i call it a draw they cant give us love then Fuck them, they wont get their supply and drug. It high time they learn NOTHING in life comes for free. He will not use me for a free ride for the drug he needs, let him get his free drug somewhere else, they too will run out of the drug, its a never ending cycle for them, they suck everyone dry of that supply and drug and funny thing we run out of supply for them because we never got love in return. The well is dry baby, move on

#10 Apr 12 - 11AM (Reply to #21)

Arwen

Actually he started the

Actually he started the silence but gradually from end of December through January. It was infrequent calls and seemed obligated when he did call...just said "hey baby, I'm working like crazy, not on FB, I love you". It was all delivered in this sullen manner under his breath. Didn't ask me to see him any more. Of course we had been fighting - or HE had been doing that - hanging up on me if he didn't like what I said. I called him out on the women I saw in his life everywhere, his disgusting behavior with the OW right in front of me - the indictment - which I was always very kind about but still he knew I was on to him. And he admitted to me that "this is how I end a relationship - I just peter it out until the girl leaves". So, I think this slow and painful torturous way that he let me end it is just about killing me. I want to just curl up and die. OMG.

#11 Apr 12 - 11AM (Reply to #22)

Arwen

I also am married, and facing

I also am married, and facing a prison sentence and having no money to pay his attornies and working from dawn to dusk making restitution and smoking two and a half packs a day - none of this was conducive to taking care of me and my two sons. He knew that. There was no way he wanted this level of committment when he actually thought about it, despite that fact that he proposed every second to me. It was all a nice little fantasy - for both of us I guess. We both know it wouldn't be possible now. So how can I blame him? I guess what I can blame is the way he handled things. But I blame myself mostly for having an affair knowing him impractical and how hurtful it is for everyone involved, including him.

#12 Apr 12 - 11AM (Reply to #23)

Arwen

Ah screw this guilt!!!

But wait! That's the whole point right?...troll after the married women so you KNOW they will not be able to make a committment.

#13 Apr 12 - 6AM (Reply to #16)

Smitten Kitten (not verified)

I'm wondering

if they're getting a big dose of new supply, like my exN is from the new GF, does my silence still eat at him? Or does he not even care because he's too busy with his newer, shinier toy? I can see where this would have really bothered him before he had her hooked, but he tossed me aside overnight for her, and still wanted me as a friend. After a few weeks of still communicating I think he finally realized I was really seeing through him and what he was by some of the things I said to him, and he sent me a text telling me to never contact him again in any way. I sent him a final text telling him he would never hear from me again because he is dead to me. That was 4 weeks ago today and I wonder if it bothers him at all that I didn't cave and do SOMEthing, like I'm sure he thought I would.

#14 Apr 12 - 10AM (Reply to #17)

neverlookback

They like

to keep their old drug fixes around, that is why they sometimes can just leave without an explanation, they dont want to totally burn the bridge, they think when they need you they can wiggle their way back into your life. THEY always have current drugs, always, and you can be put on a shelf and dont even know it. Think about why their never is closure on a relationship like this when they just LEAVE then months later make contact? You have been away and having you again will seem fresh and new they almost ALWAYS ALWAYS COME BACK, I dont know why some come back a year later I cant answer that maybe because he know you were severely hurt (they KNOW people hurt but just cant feel it) that gives you time to forget and heal and then you can be a more powerful drug to him. They remember the high, you gave them, they remember how EASY it was to lure you and have you so deeply in love with them, they remember how great it was to play you, and take you for a ride, THEY ARE SICK SICK SICK people. I DARE him to try and get back into my life, I got a drug for him he will NOT LIKE, I will throw his sick sorry ass right back in his face, HE HAS BEEN HAD.

#15 Apr 12 - 6PM (Reply to #20)

Redhead1

I totally agree with you NLB.

I totally agree with you NLB. They wait until you have time to heal. Narc use to do it when we were married. D&D then wait a while and pretend nothing happen. THey are sick!!

#16 Apr 12 - 4PM (Reply to #18)

Smitten Kitten (not verified)

In another book I read on

In another book I read on this subject, there was a story where a woman went 3 years NC with her exN and he showed up in her life 3 years later! And sucked her back in, only to screw up her life all over again. And he D & D'd her several more times at that point. It was such a tragic story, and I'm thinking, my God! 3 years? They're like viruses that lay dormant for years and resurface later. Like the Chickenpox virus you had as a kid that reappears later in life as Shingles!

#17 Apr 12 - 9PM (Reply to #19)

gettinbetter

3 years?? That's nothing try

3 years?? That's nothing try 15,

#18 Apr 11 - 8PM

gettinbetter

Yes. We all feel this at one

Yes. We all feel this at one point or another. I especially do because I had the opportunity to dump him but I didnt and Im pissed at myself for not doing it however this is one of the major things that will keep you stuck and not moving forward. Wish I could find that article about the 10 things that will keep you stuck from recovering from narcisstic abuse. This was on the list. Let them have the last word. They really dont though. You have the last word when you go on to lead a normal happy and healthy life. Thats the last word and nothing gets to them more

#19 Apr 11 - 8PM (Reply to #2)

Arwen

SOI

Thanks so much. I don't want him to get upset by my being happy though because I don't want him to EXIST in my life, period!

#20 Apr 11 - 8PM (Reply to #3)

gettinbetter

I get what you are saying but

I get what you are saying but the fact is they will always exist to us. They truamatized us. They forever changed us in away. Thats just the nature of trauma and while we cant wipe them clean from our Memory we can neutralize their effect. You see the more you try to wipe them from your memory the more they are there. Just let them exist there and the thoughts and memories come and go and in time without contact they get less and less. I think when we get to the bottom of our own issues we begin to neutralize them completely

#21 Apr 11 - 8PM (Reply to #12)

Arwen

p.s.

Thank you

#22 Apr 11 - 8PM (Reply to #4)

Arwen

Yeah. You're so right.

Yeah. You're so right. Tears rolling down my cheeks now. The bottom of my issues is much harder to face right now than this bulls--t romance with this ass.

#23 Apr 11 - 8PM (Reply to #5)

gettinbetter

Oh Geez

Sorry didnt mean to make you cry but I feel it really is true. We put up with horrific abuse. Emotinally healthy people do not put up with it. I have come to realize how completely disconnected I have been from my true self. If anyone would have told me 8 or 9 months ago I had low self esteem. I would have said NO f ing way. I believe if you asked any of my coworkers if I had low self esteem they would say no f ing way. That is because they only see fake me. Not my true self. My true self is very insecure and always self conscious about my appearance. You see the Narc knew how to get to my true self. He could cut right thru my fake self and appeal to all of those hurts and insecurities harbored in my true self. Oddly I can do the same to him and he knows it. You see two core wounded people recognize eachother.

#24 Apr 11 - 9PM (Reply to #6)

Arwen

I know I have low

I know I have low self-esteem. I would never say otherwise. Ever.

#25 Apr 11 - 9PM (Reply to #7)

Mell

patiencegoal

I can certainly understand where you are coming from. I DID get the last word and it did feel good, BUT one thing I DO know from your posts, is that YOU ARE AWESOME and AND HE IS AN IDIOT!! I know that is not very comforting at the moment, but it is the truth!!

#26 Apr 11 - 9PM (Reply to #8)

Arwen

Thanks Mell - that's exactly

Thanks Mell - that's exactly what I needed to hear! You too :-) HUGS

#27 Apr 11 - 10PM (Reply to #11)

Mell

I know there are so many

I know there are so many things that we can come up with to say as our "last words" and it seems so un-finished, but I saw what you said about having too much pride to contact him and I am the exact same way and I know it bugs the crap out of mine and it probably does yours too. Thank you! Hugs back at ya!

#28 Apr 11 - 10PM (Reply to #9)

Mell

Sorry,

it posted twice!

#29 Apr 11 - 10PM (Reply to #10)

Arwen

I needed to see it twice it's

I needed to see it twice it's ok :-)

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