Breaking up & getting back together with a N....could you share your stories?

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#1 Apr 11 - 9AM

Deidre40

Breaking up & getting back together with a N....could you share your stories?

I'm just curious as to what happened when you went back, after breaking up with your narcs?

Whether you broke up or he did...when you went back, were things worse the second/third/whatever time?

Someone mentioned this in my other thread...how the treatment is worse, when getting back together with a narc from a break up. So, just curious as to if some of you could share.

I think back to the N I dated in college. I broke it off several times. He stalked me, I'd go back. He even got down on his knees in the middle of the sidewalk one time...begging for me back. Whenever we'd go back, his treatment wasn't so much worse...just resumed back to the same crap treatment as before the b/up.

Just would like to hear your stories

#2 Apr 12 - 10PM

Smitten Kitten (not verified)

I posted my story today. You

I posted my story today. You can read that and see what happened, and believe it or not, that's the CONDENSED version. It always got worse in the way he subsequently treated me, it always got worse in the pain I felt for being given false hope once again to only have the rug pulled out from under me..... AGAIN, and it was always a waste of time and only prolonged the pain of the FINAL D&D that was exponentially worse than any of them. Think of it as a Shakespearean tragedy where the final act has everyone dead and dying on the stage. The entire play is always headed in that direction. The script is already written. The D&D and abandonment is inevitable and there is absolutely nothing you can do, because that's what Narcs do and you have no influence over it whatsoever. The ONLY contribution or control you have over the process is how long you allow it to last and how long you postpone the inevitable.

#3 Apr 11 - 5PM

jaycee

It only get so much worse

trust me, the more the push pull, the more they leave and come back, the pain becomes more and more unbearable. i should be used of this by now, but each time the pain becomes too much to handle. i wish i could tell everyone, dont ever go back, dont ever take them back, no matter what they say. my hN has literally sat and watched me suffer so immensely, and didnt care, not one bit. but he takes and takes little pieces of my soul and devours them for dinner. he sits back and laughs at me, because, according to him, im crazy, im the one who needs help......trust me, it get so much worse everytime. i believe its because they eventually become more blatantly cruel and they show it, and dont give a shit.

Jaycee

#4 Apr 11 - 4PM

Happy1

I would catch my narc on a

I would catch my narc on a dating site or he would be sexting ex girlfriends who were just friends he would say. So, I would bring to his attention and he would break up with me for a month or so. Then, he would contact me and I would go running back and we wouldn't talk about what happened. He would say we're not bringing it up. Then, he would get bored with me and it would happen all over again. It was such a roller coaster of a relationship and ruined my self esteem. I'm not the same person anymore in many ways. I was all worried and scared all the time he was going to get mad and break up with me again. It's no way to live for 3 years. Walking on eggshells is putting it mildly.

#5 Apr 11 - 3PM

deecbee

I'm too mentally exhausted to

I'm too mentally exhausted to even rehash anything else right now, but thanks everyone for sharing. It seems like every time I went back, it got progressively worse. Probably because he knew he could already get away with X amount, and it was time to up the ante. And he did, every time. Never, ever again.

#6 Apr 11 - 2PM

onwithmylife

Terri FOR YOU

your thoughts are so wonderful in this post, i want to try and keep all that you said in my mind.I remember the first time he d and d me, I hung up the phone and said to myself this is like a roller coaster ride up and down, on and off and was shaking my head in disbelief. He discarded and devalued me so many times i stopped counting but because i felt a desperate need from within me for him to validate me, I kept on going back, that and i think my very weak support system did not help either. They love the game, the chase, the hunt,at one time me and his separated wife were still vying for him, until she met another guy and asked for a divorce but he must have loved us fighting over him and all the time, I was so unaware of what was going on. now he lives alone, an older man, 6late 60's, and knows deep down he cannot be in any relationship ever again.Every time we got real close and intimate he would get terrified and do anything to get rid of me.

#7 Apr 11 - 2PM (Reply to #7)

terri

Thanks Onwithmylife, I'm glad

Thanks Onwithmylife, I'm glad that I can offer support in any way. I've learned over the last year of "getting over" the narc that it happens in very definite stages. This is absolutely necessary in order to allow our hearts and our psyches to deprogram from the narc craziness. Once the deprogramming has begun however, it really is easier to see past the trickery and tactics of the narc. I've also learned from two narcs from my past that are women - one of them my sister. They are SO DESPERATE for love that normal, giving, loving people want to be there for them and give them what they so obviously want. But the narc's disorder kicks in when the intimacy and responsibilities of a healthy adult relationship starts to develop and the ingrained disordered behavior starts displaying. It takes years in most cases for a normal person to finally get their fill of this and move on. I think when we get to the final stages of recovery, we begin to remember what a normal loving relationship feels and looks like and we begin moving back in that direction - AWAY from the narc! It's vitally important to remember and recapture a sense of normal in our lives so we can focus on that to bring more of it back to us. In a sad way, I think it's important to recognize that we have love in our hearts for the narc and accept that as our reality. BUT AT THE SAME TIME, realize that we need to be satisfied that we did all we could do and it's time to jump ship. Life is just too darn short to be miserable in narcville.

Believe in yourself!
Terri

#8 Apr 11 - 3PM (Reply to #8)

onwithmylife

TERRI for you, yet again!!

It was good to hear more of your comments again and it brought tears to my eyes, even being 2 years out of the relationship, at least we can honestly love someone, even if it was with a disordered man, and walk away to love another day, it is strange how deep the scars and wounds are from these men, versus a normal breakup, where you can even still be friends, if not lovers, the psyche damage is very much there and sometimes i wonder if the wound ever heals completely,maybe by being in a normal relationship again will my scares slowly fade away..Terri, i keep thinking of him as a teacher for me and lessons I had to learn about myself and as the saying goes, when the lessons are learned the teacher will disappear, because i remember it all unravaling when i sent him the fateful letter, after he moved out of state ,daring to ask for a more' balanced' relationship, where both our wants and needs were considered.I would like to contact you privately, if I could but do not know how to do so, please fill me in thanks!

#9 Apr 11 - 3PM (Reply to #9)

terri

I feel you onwithmylife -

I feel you onwithmylife - truly. I think that's why I think it's important to just accept that we DO love these men. The love we felt is no less real because they are disordered, and certainly no less real because they did not return this love as we waited and hoped for so long we would finally get. I think trying to stop loving someone is next to impossible - that's just the nature of real love. Ironically, it's also why we hurt so much because we honestly believed that they truly loved us - and it's so hard to realize that never existed. I feel better when I recognize that they don't give love because they are not programmed to love - they just don't have that capability. Yes, we were fooled into thinking they could - but we have to accept that and move forward. I know that I could still be with my narc if I had chosed to be. But I decided to make that very painful decision to move on WITH HOPE, rather than to stay in the relationship WITHOUT IT. And believe me, moving on alone at 52 is damn hard - and extremely scary. I have no idea what lies ahead for me. But I choose to look at those around me who are in loving relationships and I have learned to recognize what makes those relationships work. Each of those foundational characteristics of healthly relationships is exactly what the narc COULD NOT OFFER ME. I think the most difficult thing about moving forward alone is the loneliness I feel - deep inside. Early on in the relationship I used to feel that I'd rather stay and work on fixing the problems than giving up and looking for something new. I turned the corner when I really accepted the futility and hopelessness of a happy life with a narc. Even being along for the rest of my life will offer more peace and contentment than I'd every find with the narc. That really is the secret ingredient of moving away from narcville successfully. I have also learned to let go and give my fears to a higher power. Not to preach on this forum, but I see how life presents the right circumstances at the right time everyday. Maybe you're right about having to learn lessons from these narcs and hopefully we'll have the chance to understand the "why" of all of our narc-related suffering someday. Take care of yourself and do something that makes you feel pretty and special and go out in the world. I'm betting that one day soon, you'll be posting on this forum that you've found someone really wonderful (of the non-narc variety) and I think it's going to happen sooner than later. Hugs!

Believe in yourself!
Terri

#10 Apr 11 - 3PM (Reply to #10)

terri

many typos in last post -

many typos in last post - sorry for that. hope it makes sense anyway!! :)

Believe in yourself!
Terri

#11 Apr 11 - 4PM (Reply to #11)

onwithmylife

Terri ,guess who!!

your post was great, typos and all, which I wasn't even aware of anyway. I hope you are right, I am older than you and understand the loneliness all too well which is WHY I kept going back time after time to try and make it all work out, it really was like hitting your head against a wall and expecting different results,don't you think?, the definition of insanity I believe, Love you and your wisdom!!

#12 Apr 11 - 2PM

prettypeeved

I never "went back" because I

I never "went back" because I was never with him in the first place. It just didn't get that far before he went off with someone else, fortunately. The nearest experience I have to offer is that his relationship then failed some 9 months later, and then he tried coming back to me. Hoovered me in, but I refused to be anything beyond friends. He tried the same old stuff with me, started getting explicitly sexual, and I refused to be drawn into it unless he agreed to some form of commitment (mostly because I suspected he never would). After that he just reverted back to the mind games and gaslighting, etc. and it was a few months after that I started getting devalued, and then he blanked me...unfortunately around the time I realised he had NPD. So when he finally came waltzing back, I had gone NC. He still keeps trying to hoover though. Sometimes he goes quiet for a while and I think it's finally over...and then he resurfaces.

#13 Apr 11 - 1PM

terri

I think the most important

I think the most important thing to keep in mind when considering returning to the relationship with the narc is that "going back" inevitably means that you care about him and "need him". This is validating to the narc and he is now more assured that he has a certain "hold" over you and can use this as leverage. The more certain they are of their control over us, the less they try to make a relationship work - and the more D&D they'll inflict on us. I also believe that it is such an ego-stroking high for them that they have fooled us into believing that they care and want a real relationship and I would go so far as to say that it is a "positive reinforcement" them. In other words, they get such a high that you WANT them, LOVE them, NEED them that they will inevitably and endlessly continue this cycle of push-pull, on-off, until you feel like you're going crazy. In time, as I did and many others I think on this forum have done, you catch on that it's all just a game to them. Whether they are consciously aware that they are doing this, or subconsciously because of their disorder, they will NEVER become the stable, dependable, loving person that they promise to become if you return to them. It's just impossible for them to be this person. YOU have to be the person to decide to get off the roller-coaster. They love the roller-coaster ride and the drama that ensues. It's what they feed on. Calm, stable, content is nothing short of a death sentence to the narc. Remember that

Believe in yourself!
Terri

#14 Apr 11 - 3PM (Reply to #4)

deecbee

SO true!!! And every time I

SO true!!! And every time I went back it was partially out of pity for him- ha! They don't care what kind of attention it is- whether it's positive, or you're hurting because of them, visibly angry at them. Any reaction is proof in their mind that they still matter.

#15 Apr 11 - 12PM

dazed and seeki...

every time i went back,

every time i went back, things never changed for the better. I never experienced the d&d per se, nor did i ever stick around long enough to get to that point, but i kept wavering, too weak to leave completely, and would come back then leave then come back. but each time i came back i was reminded over and over again that he was the exact same person. losing me wasn't enough for him to clean up his act. a while ago i posted this and you did respond to it, but some of the other women wrote about what happened when they went back and the type of punishment they faced. http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2011/04/09/i-dont-understand-please-help

#16 Apr 11 - 9AM

ABC0311

Of course I wanted it to work!

Yes, anytime in the past (before we were married) he’d cry and carry on if I’d even come close to ending it and of course I’d feel terrible because I’ve always had lots of sympathy for his unloved childhood. But I’ll just talk about the last time… Of course I wanted it to work, it would be so much easier. We have a almost 2 year old and we've been together since I was 19. I filed for Divorce in November. After that, he promised to straighten up. I told him that I wouldn’t move back in or withdraw the divorce but we could try to work on it and start counseling again. He was great during that time. I got diamond earrings for Christmas (and he was a crappy gift-giver) and he acted wonderful. During that time, I really thought it could work especially since he got a new job with a big law firm so I knew he’d be logging a lot of hours. I figured if he wasn’t around much, it just might work and it would be the best for the baby. Everything was just fine until we went to marital counseling and he SLAMMED ME. We basically got kicked out in under 30 minutes. The counselor told us that we would be better served going to counseling separately and gave us names for separate counselors. It was then that I knew it had to end. He had way too much animosity towards me and didn’t think that he needed to change. I realized that there was NO WAY it could work. ABSOLUTELY no way but I was thankful that he showed his true colors then and not later and we didn’t truly reconcile. Sigh…

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