At a crossroads......Advice please:)

so...go from the group and love your new serenity but keep digging deep.

I want to address both your post and your private message which I was very grateful for. This is the second major narc I have been involved with but did have many others along the way. I spent ten years getting past the first one who is the KING of narcs compared to my recent one that has landed me on this site. There is a lot of talk about people healing and then you will be ready to move on, etc. What I have found out in my own life and having been a very neglected and abused child is that my work on myself will never stop and I can never stop that work and I know that now. I reach ever higher and higher levels of health, and that is what I live for, but, when I saw your post about wondering if you are ready to leave these boards I thought, yes, she may be able to leave and in fact needs the distance from discussing the narc, but, the real work is just going to begin as far as I'm concerned. The disastrous results of my childhood will always be with me, and part of those results is finding abusive men. It is akin to a recovered alcoholic who says I'm sober so now I won't go to AA meetings anymore. That's just not how it works.

I have taken a break from the board over the past couple of weeks... I still look everyday at least a few times at the topics and sometimes start to read them... but... I have definitely needed to take a break. I feel it has been only recently since I am finally 99.999% sure my ex is disordered. Getting involved on this board was truly THE BEST thing I did for myself in my recovery. I was so lost when I came across this forum and in a fog so deep I had almost given up completely on life itself. Today, I am so grateful for the advice and encouragement that members here have given me by sharing their experiences, validating mine and reaching out with caring support. Once the truth about my experience finally sunk in (a few weeks ago) and I could truly believe my life had a chance to be better again without him, I have found I needed a break from thinking about him at all anymore. I used to obsess about what I went through, what he was doing, the meaning of it all and so all day, everyday, he would be in my mind... For the past few weeks that has been unacceptable to me since it really seemed it was holding me back from taking the next step in my healing which is to finally take action for myself. I have needed to stay away from the forum to process new motivations for my life and take action by keeping my focus AWAY from Narc. It feels like I am in a balancing stage that we all might need to go through on our way to the other side of recovery. It seems a delicate stage where we must be careful not to slip back into the past and get stuck again. Staying away has helped maintain my balance... for now. I value all of you so much and I do want to keep myself in the loop to be able to give back and offer support when I can. Instinctively I think we know when we must step away as part of our own letting go in order to be a more objective and helpful supporter for those suffering while in the midst of trying to understand and accept their experience with the disordered. Anyway, this is a long comment but I just want to say thanks to all of you and to let you know that I do check in here daily. I just don't have the time right now or the space in my mind to keep reflecting on HIM or my past with him anymore until I take care of some of my real concerns about my life right now - such as finding employment, the state of my finances, creative projects I need to focus on, my health, goals for a future which only months ago (maybe even still just weeks ago) I wasn't sure I cared about enough to try to face at all with any ambition. Michele, I linked to the site of the articles you've been posting the past couple of days and did spend an hour+ reading almost every article over there. Good stuff about pathology! Take care all of you! I'll be back again soon when time permits because I want to be here for YOU and hopefully not because I'm still needing to be here for my own validation anymore :) Journey on...

thank you for starting this post as I, too, like many others who responded, have thought that staying here may "keep me in it." I agree, though, with the thoughts that I'm still here for a reason. I also so value the people who have been here a while (I've been here a number of weeks but didn't post much until the final D & D) and I got so much help and information from people who were farther along in the process. Like Michele and others who've commented here, I hope to give that to someone else sometime (though my sincere wish is that no one would ever have to come here and this horrible disorder would be wiped from the face of the earth!). Hugs and good vibes for peace and healing to all. And deep gratitude for everyone who comes here. sincerely (still trying to stop) spinning

I find myself checking in here every day to see what's up, but only spending a few minutes, and I don't post as much as I used to in the beginning. It's been a natural progression for me. This site was a lifesave for me when I first discovered it, but as I've healed, I've felt less and less of a driving need to be here. I let my own emotions and subconscious direct me in terms of what my soul needs. I think it's that way for everyone. You'll *know* when it's time to move away from here, and how quickly you do it.

I would just come on here when you feel you need to read to justify in your head you're doing the right thing. Or, if you want to give others support as you are doing so well. I know it's been hard for me and it's so nice to hear from others that are not feeling the lonliness and feeling of addiction any longer. If you feel you're stuck because you're on, then take a breather and you can always jump back on when you feel like it. Hugs! Happy

I often think I spend so much time here that it keeps me in it but honestly I think you come here till you dont need to anymore. I think it just happens naturally. If you are still coming then there is something you still need in the form of support. just my two cents

I think those that are 'new' in their learning of narcissism and what works and doesn't in trying to process and deal with it can really benefit from the knowledge and experience of those of us who are further down the path of recovery. There is no replacement for hearing successful results from those who have been in the same place. Maybe the focus changes from being here for yourself to being here for others?

Im glad that you raised this question as I have been thinking about it too. Like you, I feel I know the truth now and I have done a lot of soul-searching to find out why I got involved with him a second time (many years after the first relationship). For a year, with the help of people on the board, I've learnt about myself, re-evaluated my relationships and tried to get something positive (by way of self-knowledge) from the mess. My story is different to most others because I didn't get the D and D the second time. I was married (though separated when the N came back) and the relationship was intercepted by my H (who I still saw regularly). H was horrified by some of the things the N had done and was proposing to do (I'd rather not go into detail) though since I'm no longer brainwashed, I can see it all now. So, I was in the honeymoon phase when my H confronted the N and told him to back off. Even then, I was completely devastated. Totally brainwashed, sure H was wrong and that N ,who wanted to be with me forever, was right. For a while I was in a total push-pull situation and could barely function physically or mentally. But then a counsellor confirmed that the man's behaviour was typical of an N and I found myself here. The board saved me. Where is this all going? Well, I think I was still very addicted to the N a year ago. I swapped that addiction for becoming addicted to reading the board. It became a life-raft stopping me going back. Then I started worrying about my need to keep reading here...but actually I realised it's the comfort, bravery and humour of the people here which draws me back. So I have continued for the reasons Michele and Sara-Smile have said- because I started to think that having pulled through, I might be able to help others. I've been completely NC for 14 months and really battled but I still read daily like you and feel that sometimes I can add something that helps someone else. Also occasionally, I badly need that reminder...I don't think it's keeping the past alive. I think it's more being mindful of it.

Staying Strong...I kinda have to take the same position as Sara...BUT to say...that I don't have as much time as you do so I still feel I have work to do... Nonetheless, because of my appreciation for the board and the support, when I was asked to be a moderator, I said yes because I felt that it was some way for me to give back...and I believe when we get help or the universe leads us to the life raft, we give back. Now, with your newfound healing...do you deserve a breather...yea sure...but when you truly are at peace with something you are truly at peace so being involved either way isn't holding you back because you are at peace...it's kinda like a cancer patient who gets cured then becomes inspired to go into oncology nursing *true story by the way*...not mine...LOL So, if you need a breather go right ahead, but please remember the ones still struggling and from time to time, maybe chime in to give support to give hope, and to help, the same way others that walked the path forward before you helped you... I wish you all the best, I hope you don't leave...or if so that we can exhange emails or something...I know that's selfish but yes, I enjoy your insight... Hugs!

The selfish answer is NO! You are so much support for so many of us that you can't leave! LOL LOL! (there is your Narc answer! Purely selfish) The question is do YOU think being on this site everyday is holding you back? Does it effect you and bring back memories you'd rather not think about? Does all of this craziness effect your recovery? If the answer is YES then maybe it's time to get away from it all for awhile. I'm voting for the Narc answer! :) I'm kidding of course. You need to do what would be best for YOU and your recovery.