if I dont think of him, I will dream of him at night

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#1 Mar 17 - 12PM
jen79
jen79's picture

if I dont think of him, I will dream of him at night

Ok I followed ypir instructions, distraction and getting busy, and yes I am better, sleeping normal, eating and looking better, and not depressed anymore.

And yes I dont think much about him anymore, but I dream about him every fucking night, and nap I take.

So what the fuck is this?

Mar 18 - 7PM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

I dreamed . . .

he was EMBALMING me. I was still alive and he was stuffing my cheeks with cotton and sewing up my mouth. I was trying to scream and he just kept saying, "Shhhh baby." I hadn't obssessed over him for several weeks, was living pretty good days with my daughters and family and friends, doing good work, not drinking, letting go. Yes, he gets in my life, in my head one way or another. Sometimes I think he does it on purpose: that he tries all day mentally to get to me but can't get past my new strength. But at night, when I'm sleeping, he burrows back into my brain.
Mar 17 - 7PM
apple
apple's picture

Jen!!!

I'm so freaking happy to hear you are doing better!! You just made my whole day. Dreams/nightmares are just part of the healing process and the PTSD. This is what my doctor told me anyway. Keep staying strong girly!!! You are a huge inspiration to me!!! xoxo
Mar 17 - 3PM
jen79
jen79's picture

yogi just told me one very good thing

Before I was obsessing during the day, and the only break I had from that, was when i was sleeping. So of course I didnt dream that much about him. Now I dont obsess anymore, and I have space to process things while dreaming, what wasnt possible before, cause dream state was there to give me a break from the pain. But now I can handle it, so I start to dream about him. I think that makes perfect sense to me, its actually a sign that I am recovering and healing.
Mar 17 - 1PM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Jen79

How are you, I was reading this thread and I'm no doctor, not by a longshot AND I haven't had therapy so I can't share tips I've gotten but I will say that it was hard to find someone who really understood. I am so not trying to deter you from something if you feel it works for you in terms of 'healing' techniques but I'm just thinking that maybe YOU are trying to hard with trying to remove the narc from the brain. What do I mean? Well, the reality, we can re-direct our thoughts and such, but we can't really take total control of our brains...ain't happening...you are trying to do the impossible...and I think it's backfiring...see, one way or another...you think you're suppressing a thought, it's just going to come out another way and this is where I think the problem is with your dreams. Our brains are always working and no matter what...it's gonna keep on whether you like it or not...it's processing even when unaware... Now, obsessional thinking...not pleasant and maybe THIS is what your therapist was trying to lead you towards...getting away from "obsessional" thinking. Not sure and of course, I'd like you away from that too...cause I want YOU to feel better and I'm not making an "assumption" just not exactly sure what the problem is so please excuse my "assuming" if that is how it's coming across...that is not my intention...just given the very common shared dynamics of this whole "healing" and recovery...we all to one degree or another share the same challenges at one point or another. BUT for me, I just kinda take it easy...as calm, cool and detached as I am or appear,...the narc is still in my head too after all this time...I don't have a particular emotion I can't articulate about "feelings" towards him but yes, leech that he is, he is very much living rent free in my head...AND I am granting permission for that...and in a way, this does give me some control over my thoughts because I'm not fighting it. Eventually he will vacate. Now, if you find yourself replaying tapes and such, that is where you need to "control" the mind somewhat and re-direct - but otherwise when he pops up and starts banging the pots and pans in your head making noise just by his appearance, don't get too obsessed with removing him, let him linger a bit and he will quiet and other things will pull you away... You are not at the beginning where this whole thing took you down...like it takes all of us down...would you think it fair for me to label his mental presences residue? If so, then don't get too caught up. By default, fighting it so much actually gives it MORE attention not less then another type of obsessive thought develops and by default he's attached to it. This is the pattern we want to break. For me, what works is I let him stay there, don't give it too much attention, I accept it and move on with my day. See if you can try this for a few days. I'd be interested in the outcome. Again, I am suggesting that you do re-direct actively if harmful thoughts start to surface. Harmful? Replaying the tapes of things he said, things he did, re-direct on that...when you hear the narc speak, tell yourself it's babble and such, but otherwise, just keep rolling with the tides. Again, I'm not a professional but it's what has worked for me. I hope the dreams start getting better soon...but I tend to think that what we don't do in the conscious state, happpens in the subconscious/dream state and there really isn't any getting away from it. So, do the work when awake... Hugs!
Mar 17 - 2PM (Reply to #13)
jen79
jen79's picture

michelle

Yes you are right, I am trying hard, cause I came to conclusion, I am the one who kept it alive, a thing that didnt exist, a man that I just met 3 times, and 2 of them were awfull, a man that doesnt want to see me again ever, that just moves on with his life, and I thought, I wont let him any space in my mind anymore, cause this thing was a fantasy. Dont get me wrong, I know everyone was engaged with a fantasy, but me even more, I just saw him 3 times for heaven sake. So yes, I dont want him to be there any second longer, and I was distracted last week with my family being here, and the cats of my other ex were sick and I was so distracted with life again, good and bad, that I felt myself again, remembered again how life was before I met him, with pleasure AND pain (the cats being sick). And I thought wow, I dont think of him anymore. But the dreams, every dream is about him. Can I still allow him to be there one more second, he always gave me the feeling, I made it all up, he made sure he is capable of love and care for other people, and luckily I feel like I made my peace even with that idea. It just matters to me now, that he couldnt love me, and I dont want a person in my life that doesnt love me the way I am. And I dont want this person to occupie my mind one second longer. I have no idea whats the right way here, if a thought about him pops in during the day, I say to myself, ok dont go down that path jen, you were in this place 2 years, and you spend enough time finding your answers, you do have all the answers, and you know what you want and what not. And still. I am fighting yes, I fighting to be back in my life and to feel myself again, if I would feel like crying, I would. But the dreams are telling me, I am still trying to process the abandonment. What if I let the dream state manage that. Its the first time, he is almost gone during the day. I never felt this way since 3 damn years. I am afraid of giving him space again. What if he takes over me again like a big evil demon pocessing me?
Mar 17 - 2PM (Reply to #14)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Jen

Note that you said when you were occupied he was less intrusive in your thoughts. Last week when you were busy...were you having dreams at night? If not, then maybe just tweaking the day a little might get you back on the right path? I can't answer the last question the what if? It's a good one...but at this point, do you feel enough control to be able to prevent that from happening? In order for that to happen there would have to be some "build-up" towards that...he's not just gonna pop out and go from 0-60 without warning. I tend to think that before that happened you'd have the opportunity to re-direct your thoughts...but you'd be processing them while AWAKE...not completely suppressing so they go full throttle at night when asleep.
Mar 17 - 2PM (Reply to #15)
jen79
jen79's picture

michelle, yes I dreamed even when I was occupied with other

with things. Thats what I was trying to say, I was totally distracted and busy, I was doing things with my family, two babies inclusive, then the cats became sick, that made me almost freak out, and during all this week, I didnt think of him one second, but was dreaming about him every day, in the night, and when I had a nap in the day too. So what is this saying, its just like, hey you didnt have time to think about him at day, so now you must in your dreams. This sucks. My day was all about having fun, cooking, we were going out all day, and baby sitting, then cats nursing, going to doctor with them, fearing that they wont make it and that they will die, then being relieved that they are going to survive....and about who was I dreaming, when all these things happened? About the fucking narc. This makes no sense to me.
Mar 17 - 2PM (Reply to #16)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Jen

I wish we could charge them all rent...we'd be rich...double for dream state appearances! I don't have all the answers Jen...all I can say is that with time, this will get resolved one way or another. It might be helpful, if you kept a pad near the bed...you can journal the dreams. Maybe the therapist can help you with figuring out the rest of the "work" that is happening when you are sleeping. Hopefully he will find another subconscious to invade soon. Hugs!
Mar 17 - 2PM (Reply to #8)
spinning
spinning's picture

Michele and Jen and to all,

just adding my two cents on this excellent advice. It has worked for me. I stopped fighting it and take a quick look every morning, yes, he's there, nothing new, so I move on. He's getting smaller and smaller. I can hardly remember what he looks like even and I feel no true 'connection' to him. I look at it like a disease. An illness I had that made me act in ways the old spinning wouldn't have even recognized much less tolerate. Now that I'm not concerning myself with whatever he's doing, why he did what he did, what he did to me, saying basically "it is what it is" (I used to hate that saying but in this case it's very true), I have been liberated a great deal from the depression, the pain and even some of the self-blame. This is a long way of saying 'Great advice, Michele.' I hope it works for others as it has worked for you and me. Sincerely (finally slowing down from) spinning

spinning

Mar 17 - 2PM (Reply to #9)
IncognitoBurrito
IncognitoBurrito's picture

Spinning!

"He's getting smaller and smaller. I can hardly remember what he looks like even and I feel no true 'connection' to him. I look at it like a disease. An illness I had that made me act in ways the old spinning wouldn't have even recognized much less tolerate." I just wanted to say, that I hope to reach this point soon. You seem like you've got your head on straight. I actually dreamt that the Narc raped me! This dream came when we were still just friends, before he started turning on the charm. I should've listened to my dreams! But I dismissed them! It's so hard to have a good time, when you wake up from a bad Narc dream. It's like it sets the mood for the whole day, and not in a positive way.
Mar 17 - 2PM (Reply to #10)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

INCOGNITO!

I had a rape dream too! You had it before...that was a warning...in my case, I had the rape dream after but I beat the shit outta him!!! I was so happy because that to me symbolized the beginning of getting myself back. Don't knock the dreams, they can be good clues to where we're at. I also had a dream after all of this that we were walking and talking...in the dream, we were apart still but we were having a heart to heart like friends and we were even holding hands... BUT every three feet...there were MOUNTAINS of dirty laundry! Use the power of dreams to heal as well...there are some very poignant messages in them.
Mar 17 - 3PM (Reply to #11)
IncognitoBurrito
IncognitoBurrito's picture

Michele <3

Jeez!!! Wow, another commonality. It blows my mind! Women's intuition is NOTHING to play with. Our sub-conscious picks up so much, that we miss in our waking hours. You beat him up... the dirty laundry- that's some serious symbology! Almost literal, like you were finishing the story in your own way, via your dreams. Love it. I think I missed the point of the dream entirely, because at the time, I didn't think of my Narc as anything but a friend. We weren't even really close back then. I didn't think of him like that. I didn't suspect anything, because I tend to have weird, out there, dreams all the time, anyway. I've said it before, but I think I might really start back up again, I need to keep a dream journal, and give a teeny bit more credence to it, this time. I wonder what kinds of insight we'd all gain here, if we kept dream journals. I wonder if they could somehow be used to help one another? Maybe that's too hippy, I don't know. I think I'm going to try!
Mar 17 - 3PM (Reply to #12)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Incognito

But yes, you were processing and warning yourself. In the beginning when we were "friends" and we had a pretty decent period as "friends" he was having trouble in his marriage and it was close to a year that we were just friends...I was trying to be "supportive" while he convinced me he was the male domestic violence victim....ha! I remember dreaming around the time that we were starting to have an attraction, that he came to my home, invited everyone in my family and circle of friends and decided we were going to get engaged...without sharing this with me? And I walked into this house and he had everyone here and I was utterly surprised and he had the entire thing planned out from ring to wedding and in the dream although every girls fairy tale to get married - and I've never been? I was utterly outraged that he just took CONTROL of everything? Did you read that? CONTROL CONTROL CONTROL... AND I woke up and had myself a good old anxiety ATTACK! something I am not really prone to... And I shook it off and said: "Oh, just a dream" and dove right in... And here I am five years later. SMH... Hugs!
Mar 17 - 1PM
nancyh
nancyh's picture

@Jen79

I had the same problem (dreams of him at night). My therapist said to give myself permission to think about him/our relationship during the day when a thought would come into my mind, but to limit the time thinking about it to 15 minutes. She said by not allowing myself to consciously think about him during the day - my subconscious would take over at night and allow the thoughts of him out. So I tried it. I still kept busy throughout the day but if I thought about him I would acknowledge the thought/feeling, allow myself 15 minutes to think about what I was feeling, remind myself that he was toxic and then actually say to myself (aloud) - you have given that thought the time it deserves (and frankly he didn't deserve 15 minutes), now move on with your day (or something along those lines). That strategy helped me during my days of obsessively thinking about him. Now, 83 days NC - the dreams are almost nonexistent. Hope that helps. Hugs, Nan

Nan

Mar 17 - 1PM (Reply to #6)
jen79
jen79's picture

nancy

thanks for sharing your experience. I will try that. I have to say, that at least the dreams about him are not that painful anymore, my subconscious is processing things still, sometimes I dont dream about him directly, but of getting an email, where he explain things to me, or I even dream indirectly about him through a dreams where I read posts on this board here in the dream, I guess its my mind trying to knock some sense into me. My last dream today was him being in berlin, I saw him from far, I wasnt totally in pain but I was surprised him being here without letting me know. Things like that. In the day I am pretty clear, I dont feel like supressing thoughts about him, I am just ok with things now. But it seems there is still this part of me, that still needs to process things.
Mar 17 - 12PM
truetotruth
truetotruth's picture

Jen 79 Sleep

Hi there Im not sure but the more I tried to keep busy and " get him out of my mind" the more my subconsious tried to deal with the pain. Maybe this is what is happening. Your body and mind is just trying to heal itself. Maybe....its only a thought....
Mar 17 - 12PM
Happy1
Happy1's picture

jen79

It's funny you mention this because I've had some doozy dreams about my narc and just had another last night. I actually woke up on a fog thinking he would be lying next to me. We have them in our heads even though we seem to be going about our days okay. They're still in there and it sucks right now! sorry!
Mar 17 - 12PM (Reply to #2)
jen79
jen79's picture

yes it sucks

no way out here, so it seems, no short way out of this, if you dont think about him while your awake, you WILL dream about him all night...it is like I am supposed to think about him, no matter what I do. I hope this will stop soon.
Mar 17 - 12PM (Reply to #3)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

jen79

I hope it does too! It does suck but hopefully it's temporary.