B's Story

Well here it is, sorry if it's confusing or long!!

I met N in 2002 right after I graduated high school. I had just had my heart broken by my boyfriend of 3 years. And there was N, my knight in shining armor. He was kind, masculine, charming and we had so much in common or so I thought.
I'm not sure when I started seeing the red flags. He was 24 and still lived at home. His ex who he had just broken up with was "crazy" and had overdosed twice while they were together. He loved to shoot squirrels or birds.
Pretty much everything we did was what he wanted. Over time things started to change. He claimed to like the same music as me but gradually started listening to his type of music around me, which is ICP or any other music about killing people or disrespecting women.
He started putting me down, but not directly. Told me I was worthless, a hassle, and a bitch. One minute he'd make me feel like a piece of s**t, the next he'd be loving all over me.
We only had sex when he wanted, the rest of the time he was too tired.
In 2004 we moved in together. I did all the cleaning, cooking and daily life chores as well as work full time and go to school. He told me that's what the woman does and the man just has to work.
In 2005 I found out I was pregnant. We got married. I arranged the whole wedding. My parents arranged our honeymoon and paid for it. He also decided to start sleeping in his own bed, because he didn't want to kick me, he has yet to move back.
He spent our honeymoon reading, fishing, and smoking cigarettes. If I wanted to do something he didn't feel like it.
Our son was born in 2006. I have never felt so alone in all my life. I spent every waking moment taking care of the baby. I remember sitting up crying every night while N slept soundly. He never changed a diaper, never offered to take him off my hands for a bit, and to this day has never given him a bath.
Our son was diagnosed with cancer in 2007. This killed me. I cried so much and prayed so much during this time. N never shed a single tear. And he loved to tell people about it and still does.
Our son is fine now but I am constantly reminded how precious life is and it can be gone in seconds. N told me his life would be better without our son.
N has tried various gaslighting methods over the years. He'll change the temp on the fridge, then ask me if I moved it. The thermostat as well. Or he'll leave something in my car and not know how it got there.
N can't remember dates or times. He thinks things he's done with his ex we've done together. He has no friends and claims everyone is out for themselves.
It's been 8 years and I'm not sure what it's like to be loved anymore or if I'm capable of feeling love for a man.
N tells me I'm his bi**h. He says (and believes) I like things that I don't. He grabs my boobs or butt constantly because they're "his" He loves to give our son charlie horses because that's what he had to deal with his whole childhood.
When N does play with our son, he gets hurt by "accident" everytime. I've witnessed these "accidents" and can tell you they are very purposeful.
When I try to talk to him it's like talking to a wall. He stares blankly. He's always thinking about work.
N has been telling me for years I don't love him, I'm going to leave him. I used to adore this man and he has slowly brainwashed me into thinking I'm the bad guy and I'm abandoning him.
One of his ex girlfriends killed herself last year, when he heard the news he thought is was hilarious and "about time she did it"
N has told our son he doesn't love him and has more recently called him a spoiled queer, who says that to a 5 year old?
I feel awful our son has to grow up with N as his dad :(
N plays video games all day when he's not at work. He doesn't even acknowledge my existence. And if the game doesn't go his way he screams the worst swear words you can imagine regardless of who hears him.
He makes up little songs about how I'm a b**ch and a whore. He constantly says I'm texting my boyfriend and I'm sleeping with many men.
So now that my eyes are open and I see him for what he is I'm preparing to leave. Just looking at him makes me want to vomit.
A couple of months ago I told N he tricked me into thinking he was someone he's not, he just smiled. I catch him staring at me all the time or he'll stand right next to me if I'm sitting on the couch, just stand there.
I'm hoping to have the courage to leave him within the month.

-B