db_1213's story

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#1 Mar 9 - 10AM
db_1213
db_1213's picture

db_1213's story

My experience w/my NH has been traumatic & devastating—emotionally, psychologically, & financially. I was 47 and had two sons (one ours) when I married him. Never in my life had anyone been so mean to me. Though we had had a relationship for many years, we had never lived together, and when we moved in w/him (and his teenage son), I was full of hope & promise thinking—as he led me to believe—that we were coming together as a family for love, security, & sharing. What I got was something altogether very different! Living w/him robbed me of my self-esteem & confidence and caused me to question everything about myself, as a woman, a wife, a mother, a friend, and even my own sanity.

His controlling behavior started almost immediately but, back then, it was all very covert. Initially I chalked it up to the stress of moving, the challenges of blending a family, and all the other things one would come to expect in that situation. Very soon though, his little jokes didn’t seem quite so funny anymore, and then every part of caring for my now much larger house & family was put upon me and only me. When the kids started shutting down I felt as if I was holding the entire emotional heart of the family in my hands but, no matter what I did, it wasn’t good enough for him.

He was very withholding and everything was always about HIM and HIS needs and what I could do to make HIS life perfect, and it all had to be done on HIS time schedule, and whether he verbalized HIS needs or not, I was supposed to know what those needs were, and if I didn’t, well then, I was to be punished. That punishment took many forms but, most often (and the worse for me) it consisted of the silent treatment—sometimes for days at a time, often over holidays and, on one occasion, for 5 weeks straight!

It didn't take long for things to escalate and I became more and more frightened for myself & my children. Not only was he becoming more intimidating but, he had struck our young son a couple of times, and he also ostracized my older son. I just knew I couldn’t let my sons grow up thinking that this is how you should treat someone so, I managed to find a way to leave and, in the summer of 2009, my boys & I moved out.

I want desperately to be divorced from this man but, as anticipated, he is making it extremely difficult. When, oh when, I wonder, will it ever be over?!

Mar 15 - 10AM
db_1213
db_1213's picture

How did this happen to ME?

Thanks everyone for your kind comments. I can't believe the similarities in our stories. Amazing, or rather amazingly awful, isn't it? I've been going through a particularly rough couple of days with the NH as he is coming back at me again through his lawyer; trying to control/stall our divorce proceedings with more outright lies and other atrocities. The outrageous things he comes up with, that I have proven over & over again with irrefutable evidence are not true, is astounding! There is one thing I can feel good about though, and that is knowing that I have never lied, nor embellished, stretched, or withheld the truth, from MY lawyer. And if I do end up testifying before a judge before this is all over and done with, I have a clear conscience and nothing to worry about as far as that is concerned.
Mar 10 - 11PM
fooled no longer
fooled no longer's picture

The silent treatment can be

The silent treatment can be worse than being hit with a baseball bat, it hurts more and deserves to be taken as seriously, the damage it does is shocking. I know. Take your self seriously. Who cares what he wants. AS long as you don't want closure from him, which he will never give you, You will get through the rest. Dont believe a word he says. I treat the promises my Narc gives me just like the promises you would get to repay money from a drug addicted tramp.. NO CHANCE THAT THEY ARE REAL....
Mar 10 - 2AM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

So Similar

My story is so similar. We never lived together before we married. I was so full of hope & promise. The abuse started almost immediately upon moving in. I, too, made excuses for him. But the abuse only escalated. I, too, was expected to anticipate his needs. Weekends & holidays were terrible. The silent treatment was awful. Mine never could have gone 5 weeks because he wanted sex. I left in May 2009. But my wanted a divorce ASAP because he wanted the house & he found a New Woman the day I left. Yours is older now, in his 50's, I assume? May be difficult to find a new woman. Also, he does not want a divorce for financial reasons since there seems to be child support--didn't you mention "our" youngest son. And, finally, CONTROL. He wants the opposite of what you want. Just be glad you got away. No matter what. You made the right decision to leave.
Mar 9 - 11AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

DB

I agree with spinning( I always agree with her) this toxic man will make it verydifficult for you. He is losing control! Be strong, we are all here 4 you! Hugs Idealk
Mar 9 - 11AM
spinning
spinning's picture

db, braveheart,

I am so sorry that you are here but know that you are moving toward healing and happiness. The silent treatment is a horrible form of abuse and punishment. You entered into a relationship with a pure heart and that was not returned to you. These guys are master manipulators and control freaks. Keep moving forward and expect that he will make divorce very difficult. It's all about control. Whatever. Do not engage with him in it, leave it up to your attorney. The father away you get from this person (meaning going for full NC if you're not already), the more the fog will lift and you will be able to heal. I send you the good vibes and a hug. You will find help here, though I'm so sorry that we're all here. Sincerely (slowing down a bit from) spinning

spinning