Divorcing a narcissit

6 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Feb 22 - 8PM
Eileenbean
Eileenbean's picture

Divorcing a narcissit

I followed all the rules, abided by our agreements, kept my son out of it. He broke all the rules, ignored our agreement, bad mouthed me to my son, put my son right in the middle of everything. So my son (9) met with his law guardian two days before our divorce trial date and lied to him! He told the law guardian exactly what daddy had been practicing since June. Daddy never says anything bad about mommy, never talks about the divorce, I want equal time with mommy and daddy, and then goes on to bad mouth his grandparents (my parents). My son admitted to "not wanting to get Daddy in trouble." So there I am in court with my soon to be ex's lawyer threatening to withdraw the petition for divorce if we don't settle (which restarts the prcoess that began nearly a year ago), the law guardian saying that he is going to tell the judge that my son wants equal time with Mom and Dad and that Dad is not saying bad things about me, and the judge who has 5 sons announcing that both parents should have equal custody in his opinion. Strikes one, two and three delivered 1 hour into my arrival at court. I had pages and pages of notes, eyewitnesses to his behavior, counselors and everything ready to present at trial. The trial would not have gone on because of his attorney withdrawing the suit and the judge would have almost certainly thrown out our temporary agreement in favor of 50/50 custody. So I was forced to settle and ended up with primary custody (8 vs 6 nights), $525 a month support (not the $850 I was entitled to), half his asses ($140K!!), and the loss of the collectibles adn personal posessions I left behind when I moved out. My son of course, is still not satisfied. He informed me today that his grandmother and father told him that when he's 11 or 12 he can set up the custody schedule. I have no doubt that my narcisstic ex and his enabling mother will successfully brainwash my son once again into to repeating exactly the script they devise. It worked the first time with only 8 months practice, can you imagine how they will have perfected it with 2 years to practice! I can only hope that the counseling that we start next week will free my son of the haze of adoration he has for his father. The same father who ignored him for the first 8.5 years of his life. The father who is his buddy and who leaves all of the parenting up to the same parents who raised him and his 50 year old brother who still lives at home and has no job. How do I break my son free of the cycle of mental illness and enabling that is my husband's family!!! How do I feel antyhing but fear and dread for my future and that of my son. How do I watch him become the enabled and pleaser that I was for so many years in a futile effort to keep the narcissist happy?

Mar 15 - 11AM
believeinshawn
believeinshawn's picture

at least

I was in nearly the same situation. my sons were already 11 and 14 when I moved out, and as soon as i left (after a couple years of moving in and out, and kicking him out and he'd come back) for good, ExN started manipulating and planting thoughts in their heads. That I cheated (i did, but I was just looking for help to get out), that he loved me, and didn't understand how i could LEAVE THEM... I had to leave or he would surely have killed me. he had the whole thing planned out. to GET ME OUT so he could pretend I never existed. Now my kids barely speak to me, I keep trying, but it is all at my expense, emotionally and physically. it is horrible. at least you got custody and support (he got full custody, just joint legal custody) and I have to pay HIM support. I deal with dread daily that my sons will end up just like their father.
Feb 24 - 8PM
Eileenbean
Eileenbean's picture

divorcing a narcissit

This divorce is the best thing that ever happened to grandma. She has wanted to be my son's mother since the day he was born. She goes so far beyond doting grandmother to seriously overstepping her bounds. She did such a great job on her own sons, can you imagine how terrified I am to have her work her magic mothering on mine? Mental illness runs in the family and she's the core.
Feb 24 - 7PM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Loss of Interest

Do you think that now that the N will pay reduced child support, etc. Perhaps he will now lose interest in his son? N won. It's all about money. Your son may learn the hard way that he was conned. His beloved daddy may just suddenly become VERY busy & your son may see less of him. Unless the grandmother is N's driving force & she wants the child. So, so sorry. Divorcing an N was the most difficult thing I ever did. So sorry. They all do the same stuff. They all keep the possessions if they can. So predictable.
Feb 23 - 3AM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Eileenbean

I don't know what state you're in. First, if there has ever been any physical violence, maybe you could use that. I would see if you could request that the man be psychologically evaluated FIRST...and clearly explain you suspect he's a narcissist. I'd give the judge a handout on what these people are, how conniving they can be etc. SURE ex might just pass the eval, but at least you can rest easy knowing you tried. As per your son, DO NOT under any circumstances, no matter how tempting bad mouth his dad. If you do your job right...eventually he'll see his daddy for what he is... All the best...but try to get him evaluated. If you have anymore court dates, subtly try to get him to come undone. Good luck...
Feb 22 - 10PM
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Eileenbean

Oh dear, I am so sorry for what you are going through, Eileenbean. Narcissists always use children as pawns. It's infuriating what they are capable of doing. Divorcing a narcissist is so very difficult, especially when children are involved. I've been divorced from my exnh for 8 years, but I didn't have children with him. There are many members on this board that are going through this with children and can provide helpful advice. I did a blog talk radio show on the topic of "Divorcing a Narcissist" with a former member of our forum, Elena. Below is a link you may find helpful: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/allabouthim/2009/10/15/tips-to-avoid-a-narcissist-when-dating