why why why

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#1 Jan 14 - 9AM
deniseann65
deniseann65's picture

why why why

i feel like im going mad , my ex is going around slating me and saying stuff that isnt true
yet i cant stop thinking about him i find myself just wishing i could talk to him yet in the same breath i dont want to
when does this ever stop ??????
does it ever stop ?????
i feel angry at my self for allowing him to affect me yet i also understand that
it wasnt me it was him and thats what they do
i dont want to go back ...............
i just want to know how to take small steps to move on carry on .........he is in my head all the time

i try so hard to keep going but sometimes i just want to give up
what hurts the most is my feelings and love was real
yet i guess his just wasnt !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

can someone pls tell me things to do to stop my head from spinning
one min i hate him next i want him back yet i know he is no good for me
i sound like a pathtic teenager i know
but its driving me insane ...help......

........................................

Jan 24 - 12AM
justicejones
justicejones's picture

Denise-

You are going through the initial stages of recovery. It is natural to feel how you do...I bet you are confused, depressed, sad, hopeless, questioning, obsessed, etc, etc. We ALL have been there. We all share a common bond here; being involved with NPD individuals. Remember, the will never, ever change. Only you can. You have no control over these people. You will never get any straight answers from them. They lie pathologically. Just when you are satisfied thinking all your questions are answered for now, another question will pop in your head to ask them. You must find the answers within yourself and by studying all you can on this disorder. Then you will have more and more "aha" moments and it will make sense. You truly loved this person, but they didn't love you back and the rejection kills you inside. I know. Believe me. It took me about four years to get over my ex husband N who D&D'd me and our two boys after being together for over nine years. I was depressed, never ate, just lied around when I wasn't working, trying to figure it all out in my head. Rethinking and rehashing conversations, analyzing letters and situations. Wondering why I wasn't good enough for him to want to stay with us. Wondering what the other woman or even other women had. that I didn't have. Wondering if he was being the perfect man to her and treating her like I always wanted him to treat me. Wondering how happy they were...thinking how unfair it was. I wasn't a very good mama at this time. Looking back, I am so ashamed of taking so long to get through this. But I didn't have the knowledge I have now...I didn't have this site either back then. About a year ago, I stumbled across this site as well as all the many sites out there about Narcissism (especially Sam Vadkin's) It was purely by accident, and then it ALL MADE SENSE! Now, the healing has come rather speedily and I have moved through all the stages quite well. I still have relapses but they are fewer and farther between only lasting minutes instead of days and weeks. Read up all you can on the subject, educate yourself! Stay on the forum and read all the message boards to know that you are not alone. These creeps are all the same. They came from some crazy mold! They say, do, act, lie, cheat, steal, beat, suck out your emotions, etc, ALL THE SAME! I am so glad you are here! Things will get better, I promise!
Jan 20 - 10PM
titta22
titta22's picture

deniseann65

I know how you feel. I'm in the same place as you right now. I do have to say that i have taken the first step of trying to better this. I will start seeing a therapist this Monday. I feel your pain...i really do.
Jan 19 - 8PM
eyesopen
eyesopen's picture

Stay Strong. Give it Time.

It does get better but it takes time. I am so happy now without him. I was involved with a narc two years ago. It almost ruined me. I didn't realize what I was dealing with then. My little sister is now dating a man that reminds me very much of the man I had an affair with. She is miserable but won't leave him. He is very controlling. When a mutual friend told me she thought he was a narcisist I started reading. I couldn't believe what I was learning. My little sister and I had fallen into the same trap. That brought me to this site. If I had found it when I was suffering the most it would have made things much easier.
Jan 14 - 9AM
spinning
spinning's picture

Hi, hun...

Read the blogs here, there is one on cognitive dissonance and how to try to control obsessive thoughts. All the blogs are helpful and help the 'spinning' slow a little. Also, please go to the message board and read a post I think it's still on the first page that's under 'going on 8 weeks NC but still feeling...' that I posted when I was early in the NC phase. The responses I got were very helpful and I bumped that post up for you yesterday. Deniseann, please know that it does get better. Please know that staying NC is the key, as difficult as it is. There are all sorts of things going on in your mind and body (actual chemical things, stress hormones, etc.) that contribute to the feeling you have now. These things will even out, but will take time. Reading about all of this helps a lot. One breath at a time. One minute at a time. You can handle it. It is a process to retrain your brain but it will happen. I never thought I'd get to the point where I'm not so 'spinning' but I have. I'm still deeply wounded and working through a lot but like all the posters here have said it does get better. Know that. Don't concern yourself with what he's doing or saying. Concern yourself with YOU and whatever it is YOU need to do to feel better. Sincerely (trying to stop) spinning Hugs to you, hang in there. It will be worth it.

spinning

Jan 14 - 9AM
ally2375
ally2375's picture

DeniseAnn

We've all been there. I think it just takes your heart awhile to catch up with your head. Everyone hates to hear the old "time heals all wounds" but that is really true. Give it time and it will hurt much less. As far as the things he's saying about you, that does suck and it does hurt. But, how can you expect someone who is disordered to have good judgment, act like an adult, or see you for the wonderful woman you are and treat you with respect? The problem is his - let him deal with it. Do not engage him. React as little as possible. What you might try to do in the meantime is find something else to focus on. Find something you're passionate about that has nothing to do with him. Find something that engages you that you can pour your energy into. Start rebuilding a part of your life that has nothing to do with him. You are not a pathetic teenager. You loved someone and it's a testament to your STRENGTH that you were able to do so. You will find it again. For now, cut yourself a break.