angie's story

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#1 Dec 11 - 11PM
angie111
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angie's story

I once again hit rock bottom - I just left 3 semi-angry messages for my ex-n on his voicemail... but let me start at the beginning....
I met him at my work, he was charming and we flirted and I absolutely fell for him.... He made me believe that he is a single, non-attached man and he pursued me. I did not go out with him for several months. But a couple of days after we spent our first night together, he told me that he "kind of is seeing somebody else".... I was absolutely hurt and told him that I had started caring for him, but do not want to be with him if he has a girlfriend. He said "it is not a girlfriend..." which did not matter to me... I still did not want to have a relationship with him. For the next several weeks he kept on being nice to me and pursuing me... and I fell again for him. For the next two years I was his girlfriend...even though I had sometimes suspicions that there might be women, but I tried to ignore it; Looking back I think I was afraid if I would ask more, my suspicions would be confirmed. How stupid of me!!! In the middle of August this year, he had logged into his e-mail account on my computer one evening, and when he left had forgotten to log out... I had never snooped around before, but before shutting down his e-mail account, I saw a folder that made me curious, and after reading this one and several others, I had discovered that he had been seeing and had been interested in other women since the beginning of our relationship until to that point. I was so numb and to some degree I am still numb... Initially he denied things, but when I mentioned specifics he would just say " oh it did not mean anything...". Since then I have been in a downward spiral.... I had moments, where I am better, but I cannot stop thinking of him, I don't sleep, I feel I don't want to go on anymore. I had trusted him so deeply. And he misused my trust and my care for him. Since September we had been on a semi-friendly basis.... he would call every couple of weeks or so, because he owes me money, or to give me some advice regarding some stuff that occupied him and that he considered valuable for me too.... This past Monday I had enough and I told him, that I cannot be his friend any longer and that he should not call me anymore. After some conversation, I decided to go to his place to pick up some stuff that still belonged to me and also because I felt I did not want to finish my relationship on a bad note... I thought I could see him one more time and we could separate in a civil manner. Well, things turned differently and I spent the night. The next morning, he had to leave for work and we left with "We'll talk". After not having heard from him, I left a voicemail and a text for him the next evening. No answer. Yesterday I called him and texted him again. Finally he picked up and stated he had a bad day, but he'll call me today. No phone call from him. So I finally reached my breaking point, and left, as I said earlier, 3 angry and frustrated messages, telling him that I expected my money by the end of the year... up to now I had left it up to him, when he could pay me back.
I feel so lost and hurt, I loved him, even though he never told me he loves me (he had said, that telling a woman he loves her, means he is marrying her)... he is in his early 40s...We spent every weekend together and sometimes evenings during the week. We would have hourlong conversations every day.... how could I go so wrong. Until several days ago there was this little hope in me that he is not as bad after all, not this selfish man. And even though I knew all the narc things about him, I had a glimpse of hope. This is no completely crushed. I just cannot find a sense in all of this, or a sense in my life. How do you move forward. Over the past months I have read many postings on this site, and I always felt some comfort in knowing that I am not crazy and there are other women who went through similar relationship disasters. But right now, I don't know anymore on how to take the next step....

Dec 13 - 11AM
gingercat
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I am so sad to read your

I am so sad to read your story as it reminds me of the beginning of my over 14 year long life of abject misery with a Narc. Everything was the same with the denial of other women or dismissing how he felt about them as unimportant. When I would pointedly ask about them and tell him I refused to be involved as just another 'girlfriend' he would do the same behavior. Each time I would find out (I actually think they want you to discover their girlfriends) and vow to move on...... Years of gaslighting, money wasted, my working steady/him being a flake started to unfold and we had a son together. I will never forget the N telling me one evening, after I had moved mountains to join him at Grad school where he insisted he belonged so he could be a 'whole' person, that his ex-girlfriend was dying. I don't think he ever thought of her as an ex-girlfriend although she was married and had grown children. He only had part-time girlfriends whom he snaked in whenever his supply was low and the poor dear had been one of those, just like he thought I was. I had thought this woman had been between us for years and now she was dying of uterine cancer. It was so odd and even now I have trouble processing all of it. You see, it was the Narc that perpetuated my feelings of unease and inadequacy by never making me feel secure in our relationship. It wasn't this poor woman (she was actually a lot like me as we shared many friends and colleagues and I knew much about her as she did me). I was still not convinced or even understood at that time just how sick this guy was but trust me......they are very, very messed up. My N is mostly a cerebral type narcissist who thrives on his intellect which totally tricked me. As my own life began to spiral into dysfunction it became less and less clear as to what was 'real' and what was his own world view. Fast forward ten years and here is what you might have to look forward to.........Financial ruin (student loans over 200K), family alienated because he borrowed from everyone and even moved us in w/them at times, he has never held a job for more than a couple of years and now my resume is full of holes from following him around, his health is a wreck (N's don't get sick or old so denies that he has serious health issues. The worst tragedy of all is our son who is trying to grow up amidst this dysfunction. I think the thing that convinced me that I could not wait any longer was my own brush with illness and the way he dealt with it. Apart from the usual ignoring me when I was recovering from surgery and desperately needed care I realized he wanted me to get worse or die. This may sound ridiculous but for an N any kind of attention, good or bad, is better than none and he truly thrives on others misfortune. I had heard him use his own mother's illness and death as excuses for his misdeeds but when I realized he sounded disappointed when my own tests came back negative for cancer I was flabbergasted. I moved us both out and as far away as possible this fall and although I have bad days they are at least not crazy. It took me months of planning and job applications but all I can say is please,please don't stay involved with anyone who even remotely has NPD or any kind of serious personality disorder. It is precisely because of how strong you are that they target you. Count yourself lucky that you have this site for support. If only I would have been able to read it many years ago I might be in less of a mess today......
Dec 13 - 10AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

The next step is to stay

The next step is to stay away from this Narc. That is what he is. My story is the same. They hook you then devalue you. I'm sorry you are a victim. I/we have all been in your shoes. I suggest you get into thearpy asap. This will fast track your healing. Read all you can, vent here, Get a calendar and count the days of NC. You will see it gets easier. You do not deserve the abuse he will dish out by continuing contact. He will continue to put you down. NC is your only option. Forget about the money he owes you. It's a small price to pay for sanity. You are headed in the right direction. You have seen the light and begun the detox. I am a strong independent woman and my Narc took me down. It takes a while to pick yourself up, I did and you will too. Listen to all of us here. We know better than you right now. Everyone is at a different stage of healing. I myself didn't think I Would ever live again. Today after 5 months I do live, love and enjoy life as I used to before the vampire sucked the blood from my soul. The blood transfusion has worked. Welcome, this experience will make you stronger. Oxox Idealk