I first met my narc when I was six months pregnant and married. I was working in a restaurant to pay the bills and my husband was working in the same restaurant - we had just returned from overseas and were starting from scratch over the christmas break. I was having a lot of trouble with my husband who was being quite abusive, controlling (he was more than likely a narc himself) and difficult and I wasn't very happy, but I was putting on a brave face and giving the relationship a chance because I was pregnant and that is what everyone kept telling me to do!
Anyway, I was working one night and a gorgeous guy comes in and orders take-away food. I didn't really take any notice of him because I was in a relationship and I was making a real effort to be committed 100%. He began to flirt with me quite obviously and actually asked me if I had a partner and pointed to my wedding ring. I remember thinking "what a sleaze" and I said "yes, my husband is right here, I'll just introduce you!" I got a kick out of that actually. The narc covered up his embarrassment well and began to come in quite often but never really flirted with me again, only acted like a shy puppy and smiled at me sweetly and followed me around a lot. He often said that if I needed any support he would be happy to help and he even took my husband out surfing with him once. My first impression of him gave way to thoughts that he was a nice, caring and compassionate man.
A few weeks later, my relationship became too much to bear and my husband left the country and basically left me pregnant and alone. I was actually quite relieved, but his controlling ways and abuse had really depleted me self esteem and I was pretty scared about being pregnant and doing it all by myself. The narc actually came into my work the day my husband left and I told him what had happened and he again offered his support and left me his number again in case I had lost it the first time.
I began to get on with my life and planning ahead. Once back in his home country, my husband began begging to come back to me but needed me to help him by way of writing a sponsor letter. I really didn't feel I needed the stress, especially since I had a pregnancy complication and was supposed to take it really easy. I carried on for about three weeks and I sometimes saw the narc around and he always offered to help and support me with anything I needed in a friendly way, he kept telling me to call him if I needed anything and I wanted to, but I felt somehow it was a bad idea, and I didn't. Then one night, he came into my work and totally ignored me and it felt awful! I though perhaps I'd offended him by not getting in touch and figured I could always use another friend, so of course...
I contacted him the next day and asked if he wanted to have a cup of tea the day after. He said yes, but that night I could not sleep I had so much anxiety running through my body and the next morning I was in tears. I put it all down to pregnancy hormones and fear of my situation. He came over and we had some tea and he was so lovely! He was like a best friend right from the start and was so beautiful to look at and smiled at me so sweetly. He had a really innocent air about him and it felt like a high school crush situation where you're both so shy and cute but really like each other. He told me a few times that I was really sexy for a pregnant woman and my body looked 'tight' and I found this a bit weird, although let it go because it was nice to get some attention after being with my horrible husband who only ever criticised my looks and personality in order to control me.
Anyway, I had a spare room and the narc needed a place to stay and I said he could move in and help me with the rent. I figured, 'who would try to hit on a pregnant woman?' I was so naive. He moved in and I had constant anxiety from then on. The first day I took my nephews out swimming to the beach close by and he wanted to come along. He was a gentleman, carrying my bag and helping me with the kids. I still had anxiety though, and that night, I started bleeding from my complication and was rushed to hospital. The narc called me every night and sent numerous texts and a week later, I was back home. By this time, my resistance to him was starting to weaken considerably. I knew something wasn't right but I felt very vulnerable and alone and I told myself I needed to trust someone and that I was being silly.
Back home he was extremely caring and cleaned and cooked for me while I lay on the couch and watched movies. Every night he would bring chocolate and movies back and look at me adoringly telling me I was worth so much more than my horrible husband blah blah blah. We seemed to have so much in common!! (I realised later he'd been going through my computer and looking at my journal while I was in hospital) I would say I liked something or recalled a certain memory from childhood and he would say 'me too! Why do you think that is?' and look at me intensely like we were soul mates. He said that he really admired my positivity and thought he could learn a lot from me. He said that from the moment he had first seen me he had been attracted to me and that he only befriended my husband to cover his ass so that he wouldn't look like he had been hitting on me. This should have been warning enough but I ignored it. I liked a lot of things about him such as the way he really cared about his body and his appearance and was always eating really healthy foods and taking supplements (something I do too). I decided to trust him because I didn't have many options and everyone kept telling me he was so great, so we began a relationship of sorts. At first, he talked about after the baby was born and how he wanted to move back to his home city with me and all the things we could do there together. He had plans to go and get his ski instructor certificate that winter and he said once he was done we could go and live in Europe together as a family. He would often rub my belly and tell me he wished the baby was his. As I began to trust him more and more and to reciprocate his affection, his attitude changed. He told me that he thought it would be better if we didn't tell anyone about our relationship. He then decided that it would be better if we just kept the relationship as 'housemates who kiss and make each other feel good'. I was quite confused and angry about this but I told myself that I was in rebound mode anyway and probably wouldn't want to be with him later and that I should just enjoy the closeness. Deeper down however, I think I hoped that if I didn't make demands and acted like I didn't care that he would realise we were perfect for each other. I was very confused.
He started to say occasional nasty things to me but I laughed them off and let them slide. He would comment on the way I pronounced words or ate my food and he even called me stupid a few times (which was rich, considering I have a university education and he hasn't even finished high school) I could feel him starting to control me but I didn't really know how to make it stop. All I could remember was his loveliness in the beginning and I thought that was his true self and that this nastier side was something that could be fixed if I could be a certain way. A pattern started to form wherein one day he would be loving and affectionate and so, so romantic and we would start to get close but the next day he would be horrible and cold. I had no control over this and learnt that any demands I made would just make things worse. I felt like I was just waiting around for scraps from him and when he was loving it felt sooooo good, I had to have his love...when he took it away all I could do was go into my room and cry and I felt AWFUL.
The other thing was that we had kissed a lot over the month or two we lived together but we had never actually had sex. This was not for his lack of trying, in fact he tried every night and when I said no because I was bleeding a little still and had a complication, he would just keep trying anyway. He would say things like 'you don't really love me' because I wouldn't sleep with him and I felt so frustrated that he didn't seem to understand or care that it just wasn't physically possible for me. I felt like he was just saying anything to get sex from me and I even told him I felt like this, he looked me in the face and said he really cared about me and that he would never do anything to hurt me. Eventually, I started to cave to his pressure and his repeated "I love yous" and "from the moment I first saw you, I knew you were the girl for mes". I guess he seemed so into the idea of being in love and finding love and romance that I thought he might really love me. I thought that if we were careful it might be ok. Then my waters broke. I was 33 weeks pregnant and was again rushed to hospital.
A week or so later I had my baby and he was 6 weeks premature. He needed to stay in the hospital and I just wanted to get home to be with the narc. Every day I commuted and the narc seemed very happy I was home. He also seemed very happy I was no longer pregnant and felt that I would want to have sex with him right away. A week after having the baby, I slept with him and it was horrible. I was uncomfortable and still bleeding and definitely not ready emotionally. Sleeping with him just made things worse. He started to tell me often that I didn't show him enough affection and that I didn't really have anything to offer him because I mustn't really love him. He said that maybe we could be together in the future if I really told him I loved him and wanted to be with him, because he really doubted my true feelings for him. I started to make a real effort to show him I cared by cooking for him and doing what he wanted, but he just treated me worse and worse.
One night a friend came over to stay and he flirted with her all night and then into the next morning while I was sleeping. At one stage it even felt like they were ganging up on me. I hadn't really told her about our relationship and she was flirting back with the narc, although she did know that I had feelings for him. I was very angry with both of them but I pushed it down and pretended it wasn't there. I found out later he had invited her to go and see him at the snow when he left (and no, we're not really friends anymore).
Before the baby was born, I had made it clear to the narc that I'd prefer if he left once the baby was home, but he still hadn't found a place to go and was hanging around two weeks after bringing the baby back. He would make a point of touching me intimately while I was holding the baby, and he seemed jealous of the baby's attention and worried that I wouldn't have any attention for him. I am ashamed to say that I started to wish the baby wasn't there and that it would just die so I could give the narc all my attention and love. But I felt morally bound to look after the baby and I did. The narc started to criticise me for the way I looked after the baby (it was my first child) and told me not to breast feed the baby near him because it was a 'turn off' he also started to criticise my 10 year old nephew who idolised him saying he was 'gay and creepy'. I started to see that the narc was really disgusting, yet I still loved him and I couldn't stop myself wanting his love and attention. Eventually however he got very upset on one of his 'cold' days and I asked him to leave. I cried a lot and he found a place to go that very day.
That night as he was moving his stuff, I had some friends over and we were having a nice time, laughing and talking. Nobody actually knew we had a relationship and thought we were just room mates and my friend offered him a beer as he was collecting his things. I completely ignored the narc - it was like I had suddenly seen this ugly, ugly person for what he was and I felt outraged for the way he had been treating me and I knew that it was unacceptable. He sat in the corner and drank his beer as we laughed and talked and all he could do was stare at me. He really didn't have any friends of his own, except for a couple of guys he would meet for coffee occasionally and then put down behind their backs later. That night he sent me a text message professing his love and describing how sad and regretful he was about the way things had worked out. The next day when he came to get the rest of his things, he looked so sad I caved in and hugged him and he begged "lets never fight again baby, I love you". After that, he would come over to my place to watch a movie, eat dinner and have sex with me, if the baby woke up and bothered us, he would just go home and I really began to resent the baby. I felt extremely guilty for this.
A couple of weeks later he left to be a ski instructor. I pretty much felt the vibe that he wasn't interested in me anymore, but there were a lot of tearful goodbyes and he gave me a card with beautiful things written in it about his love for me and how special I was to him. He said he hoped we could see each other again when he returned but that he didn't know what would happen. Partly, I couldn't wait for him to go so that I could feel in control again, but I was also very sad he was leaving and I missed him intensely. I would have been content to have left it at his leaving and moved on, but he called me weekly and said he loved me and couldn't wait to see me again. He said that it was necessary for him to go because he was getting older and needed money to support himself and his future wife (hinting it was me) and that we could meet in the future when I was in a better place because he didn't feel I was 'ready' to be in a relationship. He asked to borrow money or asked me to send him things and always said "i love you". I was very confused about what I wanted from him - people kept telling me he was so wonderful and great and I began to only remember the good times with him. Then the calls stopped, and I didn't want to be chasing him or demanding things so I just waited for him to contact me but he didn't. A few months later, when I eventually contacted him and asked for the money he owed he sent a few texts telling me he hardly had any money and that he missed me and would be back in a few months. When I reminded him about the money a few weeks later and then received no response after two weeks, I assertively sent my bank details and asked him to put the money in by the time I returned from a holiday, I heard nothing back and assumed he had met someone else and wasn't going to pay me back. It really hurt but I tried to get over it. I just felt so confused by his behaviour and I really didn't like him at all but I still loved him. And as hard as I tried, I just could not get over him because these little persistent thoughts like "he said he loves you" and "you two are soul mates" kept coming up over and over. At the very least, I thought we had a special connection and that he cared about me as a friend, even though deep down I knew that a friend wouldn't treat me like he had.
A few months later I found out he was back and staying an hour away in the mountains. I called the house he was at and confronted him and he told me that he hadn't liked the tone of my messages and decided that I could just go ahead and think he was a bad person. He also said that because of the messages I sent that he was 'turned off' me and any kind of relationship we might have had in the future. When I tried to argue that I gave him plenty of time to respond to my messages he said "I don't really want to argue about it" but I held my ground and maintained that he owed me money and that the tone of my messages had nothing to do with him not paying me back. I told him that his lack of response indicated his disrespect to our friendship, but he didn't seem to understand. He proceeded to tell me that he'd been 'there' for me when I needed him and he had looked after me and this is how I'd repaid him. He seemed very hurt and put out. At that point I admitted to him that I was hurt he hadn't responded and that I had missed him. He said "well, you could have expressed that you missed me a bit stronger...tell me, if you had a chance to go back in time and change those messages, what would you say?" !!! I said I would say exactly the same thing and then he said I was showing my true colours, more or less indicating i was an un-evolved person unlike himself. Then he started to flirt with me!! He was being all cute and the guy he had been when we first met. At one stage he started talking like he was going to come and visit me but I changed the subject, and then my son woke up and I had to go. He said he would pay me the money in a few weeks.
Obviously, I had to repeatedly ask for the money back and its only yesterday that I got it from him. it was like getting blood from a stone and I had to lie in the end and say that I only had $1.20 in the bank and didn't have enough food to eat or for the baby. I believe that he only gave it to me because we live in a small town and he wouldn't want people to think that he had ripped off a single mother, especially since he was about to leave for a skiing job overseas and couldn't spread counter stories about me. Once he had paid me the money I felt like he had effectively released me from prison. It was like he had to have all these hooks in me for as long as he could and now they are gone.
I spoke to some mutual friends who were staying in the mountain house who saw his email inbox and who read some of his emails to different women and in all of them he claimed he loved them. He also had a sexual relationship with one of my friends (who was unaware of our history) - a girl 14 years his junior who he was very rude to after he got what he wanted.
When I think about this man and our time together I want to vomit. When I think about him touching me or holding my son, I want to vomit. I fantasise about killing him every day. I know my experience with him was not very long, but I was in a vulnerable position and he knew this. He would often have big conversations with me about my father and my lack of trust for men and about my husband who had been so controlling and abusive. He swore I could trust him. He knew I was vulnerable and he kicked me while I was down. He repeatedly diagnosed me with different disorders and told me I was passive aggressive. He also frequently accused me of manipulating him and trying to control him. He told me when he left that we could have been so good together but that my baby was the reason he couldn't be with me and that if things were different we could have travelled the world together. He told me I was low class, when he comes from a poorer, lower socio-economic class than I do and affects over the top mannerisms in an effort to look posh. I left our relationship feeling like I had so many mental problems that all I could do was read, read, read trying to find out what was wrong with me - ultimately, I realised that HE was what was wrong with me. I discovered the narcissism disorder and recognised him for what he was.
Now, I can see that my time with him has worked out for the best. I HATE to think of him hurting anyone else, I want to stop him, but ultimately, I cant and all I can do is continue to work on myself. I've gotten SO REAL as a result of this and I am so much stronger in my decisions and sense of self. I am also embracing my anger and not swallowing it like I used to. I get MAD when someone does something I dont like. Not aggressive, just proactive and I walk away from what is not good for me. I am so grateful that I was not involved with this Narc for longer, and I am SOOOO grateful that he did not marry me and want to raise my son as his own...
I've also realised that the only men I am really attracted to are Narcs. They are the ones I find sexy and that I want over anyone else. I have spent the last ten years in relationships with weak men that I had no respect for because of my previous experiences with Narcs and I believe that was my defence against being hurt and controlled - to be in control myself. So, I'm trying to change all that now and I think so far, its going ok.