Anne's Story

I’m Anne, I live in Belgium, Europe, I found this site this week and I’m really happy to be able to share my story with people who were in more or less the same situation. I was recently dumped by my NPD boyfriend of two years. Before that , I had a relationship with another narc, and both my father and my grandfather (his father) are narcs.
Right now, I’m seeking help (psychoanalysis) to avoid dysfunctional relationships, I don’t want to be stuck in this forever!

I met my ex (the last one) online. I recall that the description of his ideal partner included several of HIS interest, and the description of himself merely said “the mirror of my perfect partner”. Narcspeak anyone? ☺ . After a few e-mails, we soon met in real life, for he was very keen on meeting me. I remember that he was really charming and “into me” that first time. Since he was handsome, witty, and apparently interested in the same things I was, I really wanted to get to know him better. We arranged a second date, but he soon lost interest. He would later tell me that he started to think of me as “too independent” and “not capable of being in a serious relationship”. But I grew very fond of him. I would ask to go out, but my calls sometimes stayed unanswered. I began to feel confused. He seemed to really enjoy himself when we were by ourselves, he seemed to be interested in me, but only if I was in his presence. If not, he would totally ignore me. I started to feel that there was something he was hiding to me. I soon began to suspect that he had a child that he hadn’t talked about. I still don’t know why I started to think that, it just felt like that. We started having sex, but he refused to spend the night with me or to kiss me. At a certain night, I got so frustrated by this that reproached him for this emotional distance by saying something like “it’s not that you have a child with another woman, or are still married to someone else, it’s not that is keeping us apart”.

He became very pale and silent.

The next week, we met in a bar, and I really wanted to cut him from my life. I felt he was no good, and I became too hurt to continue this fling. That night, he told me that he did have a child, of which virtually no one knew. A few close friends, and his parents. He even didn’t bother to tell his two brothers, although is daughter was 5 years old at that moment. He told me that the mother of his child was someone with who he’d never had a serious relationship with, and who made it impossible for him to legally recognize his daughter (which is possible in Belgium). I recently contacted this woman, and both this statements are clearly wrong. He had a relationship with her, but at the same time he was involved with another woman, and she didn’t do anything to hamper the interaction with his daughter. On the contrary, she asked him to recognize her child, and he didn’t want to.

But, at that point, about two years ago, I believed him. It was also impossible for me to contact her, I only knew her first name, and she lives in the Netherlands, which is another country. I was really sorry for him, and totally supportive. I didn’t think of criticizing him, he told a story in which she did him wrong. Starting from that night, things started to be more serious between him and me.

He took me on a trip to Germany. He wanted me to bring sexy clothes, and on that trip, we even went shopping for really high heels, which were, in fact, quite expensive. He is really into women with high heels, I’m not . I’m quite tall, even without heels. But of course I paid for them. He even explicitly told me that the trip was some kind of test, to see if I was truly the kind of wh*re or sl*t that he wanted. Since I’m a highly sexual person, I didn’t object, and enjoyed the trip, without worrying about the degrading situation he put me in. He even told me (and continued to tell me ) that he found it normal to consider his girlfriends as personal (and free!) prostitutes.

So we were officially a couple after that trip. Of course he didn’t treat me well. I won’t bother you with all the details, but will give you a few random facts. Of course there were many more.

- he considered me as his maid and cook. He was mad if something wasn’t exactly like he wanted it to be. White wine that wasn’t cold enough, groceries that weren’t bought…He was especially mad when I suggested that we should take turns in driving home after parties. He expects women to stay sober and drive their boyfriends back.
- he belitteled me in front of others. I like to invite people for dinner, but he critized my cooking in front of the guests. I’m a cook in training so I can say that my cooking isn’t too bad!
- He expected me to take care of all the chores. He helped sometimes, but expected to be praised excessively in return
- He would dissappear on me. He would promise me that he would come and pick me up at the airport and would call on arrival that he had other plans. He would promise me to come with me to the hospital for a minor foot surgery, and would change his plans the day before. He would promise me to stay overnight, would simply not show up, and would be mad when I contacted him.
- He would never be really committed. Didn’t make plans to live together, but at the same time asked to marry him. It got me REALLY confused.
- He never ever talked about his daughter. At first I was really curious, I knew he had some pictures, and I wanted to be supportive about the fact that he wasn’t able to see her. I knew he sometimes phoned the mother of his child, but he never told anything about these conversations. I started to feel insecure about it. I thought that she might want him back at a certain point, and I might lose him. I wanted to talk about it, but he always cut me short
- He made some promises about buying a house together, having children together, marrying…. But withdrew all these promises within a week. Sometimes he said it was because “I wasn’t able to have a serious relationship” or because I nagged to much, and once he said “oh I didn’t MEANT it when I said I wanted to have kids, I only wanted to see your reaction”. He expected me to be more enthousiastic in bed when he said that.
- He expected me to like the same things as he did. To enjoy loud music at the moments he wanted to listen, to interrupt a movie because he wanted to read, to stay up late with him, or to have breakfast early in the morning (which, of course, I had to prepare)
- He expected to be listened to and comforted when he was sad or moody, but reproached me for being difficult and nagging all the time when I needed emotional support
- When we were planning to make a trip to Guatemala, he kept saying “I will leave you there in the middle of nowhere when you’ll start nagging. He thought this was very funny. On that trip, he refused to make other plans than the things he intended to do. He refused to take a salsa lesson (1 hour), the only thing that was important to me, on a six weeks trip.
- The next year, we made another trip to Thailand, and we were travelling in a small group of four people. We planned to travel a month with them, but he got bored after one week. It was too difficult for him to keep the wishes of three other people in mind. He forbade me to have another opinion of the travel schedule than his. He obliged me to tell them that he wanted to split up, he let me do the dirty work
- He expected me to be thrilled when he had achieved something great, like a promotion at work. Merely happy for him wasn’t enough
- He never had a true interest in my projects or my friends. When my best friends business opened, where I have a share in, and work in from time to time, he refused to show up at the opening party.
- He belittled my parents and my brother when we visited them.
- He bragged about all the other women he’d had. He would often travel alone, and brag about girls who were interested in him. He wanted me to interprete that as a compliment. He said he’d slept with over 40 women, and never to have been dumped. Always the dumper, like that is something to be proud about. He lied to me about his best friend, with whom he cheated his last girlfriend with.
- He still believes that women are born to be prostitutes and maids to men. He thinks that that’s the only true way to be a women.
- His father is a narc. And his mother is very submissive. They support him in everything he does, never contradicht him,…. He is soooo spoiled! He fell asleep at the wheel and wrecked his car, almost killed himself. My parents would be upset, and urge me NEVER to drive while sleepy. His parents just bought him a new car. He’s 30 years old, and earns enough to buy all the cars he needs. He let his mother do his laundry, and thinks she really enjoys doing that.
- He really doesn’t have a sense of responsability against his daughter. He has only seen the child 3 times, and she’ll soon turn seven. I contacted the mother, and learned that he played a dirty game with her. He hopes that he will have a bond when she’s older, but it is my strong belief that you just cannot do that.
- He was totally unable to care for me when I was ill. I’ve had a diving accident, hurted my ears very badly, and was practicly deaf for four weeks and he refused to take care of me.
- He didn’t take any financial responsability towards me. When a certain trip was too expensive for me, he preferred travelling alone above travelling with me and sharing the costs, although he earns quite a lot. Most of his earnings are acquired without paying the necessary taxes.
- He stayed most of the time at my place, but refused to share the costs. He is a part time musician, and needed me to drive him to several gigs, which were really well paid, but didn’ t offer to pay for the expenses I made by driving
- When he broke up with me, he didn’t care about the way I felt. I lost my job in the same week (these two facts were not related) but he didn’t have the heart to give me some time alone, and kept nagging about some practical issues
- He broke up with me because he wants children and doesn’t think I will be a good mother. Considering that he has a child that he doesn’t care for, I think this is a very cruel argument.
- He’s a certified psychologist so he tried to convince me that I had a problem. That everything that went wrong, every single argument was my fault. He said I had daddy issues and projected it to him. I believed him of course.
- And a last fun fact. He REALLY looks like the drawing on the cover of the book. When he knows someone is taking his picture, he will pose EXACTLY like that. ☺ LOL!

Anyway, now that I write it down I should have moved on long time ago! Since I’ve been in relations with narcs before this one, I’m really glad that I’m now seeking professional help. I really appreciate all the people who are on my side and help me cope. Things are starting to get better now, but at some times, I have major setbacks and miss him sooo much. I still have a long way to go, but at least I made a beginning.

Thank you for reading this (I admit, very long ☺) post. I hope my grammar flaws didn’t bother you! I wish you all the very best, some help and support in the process of healing! And a nice man in the end!

Love,
Anne