Narcissist and Sex Addiction

Narcissist and Sex Addiction
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This is very common among Narcissist. Deviant sexual behavior as a means to inflate the ego is like a drug to them. I can not count the number of times my xN would tell me that he is a "people watcher". Little did i understand what that really meant. With every quest they set out to conquer it gets more and more deviant in time. The lengths they will go to are unimaginable to us. Craigslist, Sex sites, Massage parlors, Escort services and Hook up Bars are common place for them.

The problem is that because of the secrecy involved with this addiction, many times they will fly under the radar without getting caught, therefore they dont have to face a consequence for their behavior. To them it is not wrong. To them it is only sex with no emotional attachment. To them it is perfectly acceptable as long as they are discrete.

Narcissist have overlapping addictions that coincide with their NPD. Frequently you will find that there has been drugs and alcohol abuse issues that even went undetected. Remember that they are MASTERS OF DISGUISE. Not only did they fool us but everyone involved in their circle.
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Sexual narcissism has been described as an egocentric pattern of sexual behavior that involves both low self-esteem and an inflated sense of sexual ability and sexual entitlement.

In addition, sexual narcissism is the erotic preoccupation with oneself as a superb lover through a desire to merge sexually with 'a mirror image of oneself.' (usually through controlling and brainwashing a target)

Sexual narcissism, coined by David Farley Hurlbert,[22] is an intimacy dysfunction in which sexual exploits are pursued, generally in the form of extramarital affairs, to overcompensate for low self-esteem and an inability to experience true intimacy. This behavioral pattern is believed to be more common in men than in women and has been tied to domestic violence in men[23] and sexual coercion in couples.[24] Hurlbert and his colleagues assert that any sex addiction is nothing more than a misnomer for what is actually sexual narcissism or sexual compulsivity.[25] - Wikipedia

SEX ADDICTION

* Obsession over sex to the point where it intrudes your daily routine or hinders your ability to maintain your job and relationships

* Practicing unprotected anonymous or casual sex on an ongoing basis

* Going into and remaining in debt for the purpose of obtaining sex with prostitutes. This may also include subscriptions to pornographic Web portals or "sex chats"

* Looking for sex in public places, including public bathrooms

* "Cruising" in public but calling it "people watching"

* Having sex in dangerous places

* Excessive and compulsive masturbation (3-25 times per day or week)

* A dependence on sexually explicit material in order to become aroused and/or to reach orgasm

* Persistent pursuit of self-destructive behavior. A common rationalization is, "I'll deal with the consequences when I experience them."

* Ongoing endeavor to set barriers to sexual behavior such as moving to a new neighborhood, getting married or even starving themselves sexually, which only fuels the addiction

* The addict experiences intense mood shifts

* Tremendous energy is spent on obtaining sex, being sexual and then recovering from the consequences

* Neglect of important social, occupational or recreational activities

* Having numerous XXX videos and magazines at home

* Exhibitionist activities, including exposing oneself in a car

* Constant preoccupation with sexual fantasies which interferes with daily routine

Sex addiction symptoms will vary for each individual and often develop in different stages over a period of time.1 Sex addicts tend to be controlling and lack any real intimacy in their relationships.

PORN ADDICTION:
FIRST STEP - ADDICTION "The first change that happened was an addiction-effect. The porn-consumers got hooked. Once involved in pornographic materials, they kept coming back for more and still more... The pornography provided very exciting and powerful imagery which they frequently recalled to mind and elaborated on in their fantasies."

SECOND STEP - ESCALATION
"The second phase was an escalation-effect. With the passage of time, the addicted person required rougher, more explicit, more deviant... sexual material to get their "highs" and "sexual turn-ons." It was reminiscent of individuals afflicted with drug addictions. Over time there is nearly always an increasing need for more of the stimulant to get the same initial effect."

THIRD PHASE - DESENSITIZATION
"The third phase was desensitization. Material (in books, magazines, or films/videos) which was originally perceived as shocking, taboo-breaking, illegal, repulsive, or immoral, in time came to be seen as acceptable and commonplace. The sexual activity depicted in the pornography (no matter how anti-social or deviant) became legitimized. There was an increasing sense that "everybody does it" and this gave them permission to also do it, even though the activity was possibly illegal and contrary to their previous moral beliefs and personal standards."

FOURTH PHASE - ACTING OUT SEXUALLY
"The fourth phase was an increasing tendency to act out sexually the behaviors viewed in the pornography, including compulsive promiscuity, exhibitionism, group sex, voyeurism, frequenting massage parlors, rape, and inflicting pain on themselves or a partner during sex.

This behavior frequently grew into a sexual addiction which they found themselves locked into and unable to change or reverse no matter what the negative consequences were in their life."

www.sexhelp.com

sparky's picture

Omg. I haven't even read past

Omg. I haven't even read past the first paragraph. It's totally HIM.

betty2020's picture

Excerpts from a Narcissist:

Excerpts from a Narcissist: Amateur Match/Adult Friendfinders

one4u2nv68
A 41 year old Man
Interested in meeting a Woman
Location:
NAPERVILLE, IL
United States
Looking for:
-Erotic Email or Cyber Sex
-Group Sex (3 or more)
Introduction:
looking for that special one
Just looking to meet someone for me . I'm a great guy but not your typical one I've had three major realationships ,and ended in breakups because of issues of insucureity and or jeliously . It kinda changed me or made me loose hope for future relations. Even after I explained what I was lookinng for befor a commitmet was made.
What they look for in a person:
I am looking for a bi sexual woman who would be open to a relationship where we are a couple but we would together persu other woman for verity in or life. I'm looking for a submissive woman. Who likes the ideal of being owned and being loyal to me but is attracted to and likes other woman and likes them so much that she would share them with her man
Physical characteristics:
Height: 6' 0" (183 cm)
Weight: 190 Lbs. (86 Kg.)
Body Type: Athletic
Hair Color: Brown
Eye Color: Hazel
Ethnicity: White/Caucasian
Lifestyle characteristics:
Smokes: Occasionally
Drinks: Socially
Marital Status: Divorced
Children: Yes, sometimes living at home
Education: Some college
Profession:
Last Online:
Last Month
Read More »

I know I should have deleted this..... But I saved it for just the right occasion. Slap me yes but this was found in my last month with him. This shows you the lies, manipulation and overt grandiosity of a Narc. I keep it in the arsenal for a example.

Try to see what you can pick out in his description that has Narc written on it..... Not just the spelling..lol.

Start at the top and work your way down. :)

Disclaimer: I knew nothing of this nor his intentions the whole time I was with this person

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

kiwi10's picture

jeliously that sounds so

jeliously

that sounds so gross...

betty2020's picture

*looking to meet someone for

*looking to meet someone for "ME" = Self centered

*Erotic sex, group sex, 3 somes = sexual deviant behavior

*looking for that "Special one" = One that makes HIM look
"Special"

*great guy but not your typical = demanding and controlling

*break up due to insecurity and jealousy = Ego maniac

*made me loose hope for the future = poor me pity party

*After I explained what i wanted = Lies

*looking for a bisexual woman = easily bored, not
interested in a normal
healthy relationship.

*Looking for a submissive woman that likes to be owned = control, power,manipulation

There it is broken down. Tell me after looking at this and reading the characteristics of a Narc, do I dare question "Is he or Is he Not?"

Its pretty evident. He spells it out in black and white.

xoxo

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Janet's picture

Wow, his spelling is

Wow, his spelling is "ausim".

Peace. J

kiwi10's picture

ausim

LOL!

betty2020's picture

you guys crack me up!! only

you guys crack me up!!

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

betty2020's picture

The last response he

The last response he received from me in his 3 page letter was a copy paste of his letter correcting his grammar, punctuation and SPELLING! Nothing else just graded his paper and sent it back with an F! For FUCK YOU!

Opps for the foul language:)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

kiwi10's picture

betty

wanna just talk tomorrow? or wanna chat on facebook?

betty2020's picture

FB while my phone

FB while my phone charges....:)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

kiwi10's picture

jeliously

jeliously

hooklineandsinker's picture

Sex addiction

Mine had a large porn collection and sex toys. He insisted on buying me a vibrator (I'd never owned one before - never felt the need for one - was always quite happy with my sex life the way it was). He had a past full of very wild and experimental group sex, sex parties etc. He told me he had "really struggled" in the past between fighting his urges to be with sexual predator, slutty, libertine-type women, and "nice", girlfriend-type women. I just put all this down to his being English (Irish men are much less inclined to be involved in anything like that, never mind admitting to it so openly - it's really quite a different culture sexually I think - still kind of old-fashioned here. Not that we're prudes or anything, but just a bit more innocent than in English culture).

However I don't think he was a sex addict because he ended up sexually ignoring me completely for the last 5 weeks of our relationship. And I really don't think he was cheating on me.

betty2020's picture

The last time i had sex with

The last time i had sex with the N he told me to "Hurry up!". It apparently was taking too much of his precious time.

The fact that he did not have sex with you in the last 5 weeks of your relationship does not mean that he is not an addict.

The reason he did not have sex with you is because he had already devalued and discarded you. His mind was already on other things and other supply. He no longer saw value in you therefore no reason or need to use you for sex.

As far as cheating....very debatable. I am not sure that a true Narc is monogamous with anyone. I dont say this to hurt you but it is the reality of the disorder.

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Nothanx's picture

Yep, he is a sex addict!

I had a similar situation with my sex addict/narc. In the beginning of our relationship he was really open about enjoying porn and masturbating!!! He would say stuff like "I can't have an orgasm right now (as we were in the middle of having sex) because I masturbated right before I came over".... Why the eff would a guy jack off right before they were going to their girlfriend's house?....When he was so open about masturbation, I was uncomfortable, but I brushed it off...I didn't want to seem like a prude. I just thought he was really in touch with his body and comfortable with his sexuality.

He also acted like it was no big deal when I discovered that he liked to wear womens lingerie and use a dildo for anal sex on himself! He was like "who cares... it's just role playing and the stockings feel good and silky when I wear them".... He actually had me believing that it was not that big of a deal that he liked to wear my undies and shove a huge toy up his ass!!!

The weirdest part of his sex addiction is that he got to the point that normal sex didn't do it for him anymore! He could not have an orgasm with me through sex...he had to stop and jack himself off! Finally, he just gave up and stopped having sex with me and told me it was just too much effort. I was devastated by this and my self esteem was shattered! I still have huge issues sexually and feel unattractive about my body!

Now I know that withdrawing sexually is a huge form of abuse and a total power trip for them! It has nothing to do with the fact that he is not from the same country as you!

neverlookback's picture

BRAINWASHED

He actually had me believing that it was not that big of a deal that he liked to wear my undies and shove a huge toy up his ass!!!

You too huh? Mine was into fetishes, wanted my arm pit hairs long, and my leg hairs long, I mean WTF, he probably would pretend I was a man for all I know. Had to constantly talk filthy to him, felt like an idiot too while screaming at the top of my lungs "F--- me like a whore" I almost laughed once because it was so ridiculous, I always felt like I was in a porn movie with him and he was the director, should have brought some whips and whipped the sick bastard before I left. He was never fully erect either, NEVER, I always had to jump start the limp thing, ya like I enjoyed that, NOT. They should really consider just masturbating to porn for their sex lives and leave the rest of the human race alone. They are lousy sex partners, no connection NOTHING. Oh they know the moves - but that is all it is - Sorry but when I am intimate half the turn on is having a connection, I might as well have been with a naked statue, at least it would have stayed erect and made me feel desirable. ha ha

NancyM's picture

The sex stories

First sociopath had conjugal rights apparently, I think I will punch a guy out if he ever says that to me again.

Second was supreeemmeeely SOMATIC, so i think he would have poked a lamp post if he found a hole in it. I thought I liked sex but sheeesh, he never let up. So mechanichal and always about what an awesome performer he was. Talk about sexual acrobatics. On the very rare occasion I knocked him back he actually masturbated next to me, or on me. I don't consider myself a prude but this used to send me over the edge. I'm guessing guilt trip for the poor sex starved thing, it might have been like 12 whole hours or something.

So Narc three was a complete change. Seemed to CARE and be a very considerate lover. Ha ha that was before the bomb got dropped. He was one of the eternal silent types, so sex became the only way to connect and I ended up being the one hanging out for it while he just got fatter. And boy did he use it for punishment. Yup...cerebral. Felt like I went from one extreme to the other, no wonder I ended up sooo effed up.

Anyway after contemplating the type of men I have been with I have come to a conclusion that a REAL man has never made love to me, so after much ado, ladies... I am reclaiming my virginity at the ripe old age of 42. LMAO

Nothanx's picture

uggggg!

I could not handle the chronic masturbating! I would wake up in the middle of the night to him jacking off! At first I was so shocked, and I yelled "what the hell are you doing?" He just matter of factly said "I didn't want to disturb you for sex so I am masturbating". This was usually after rejecting me the night before. It was such a huge slap in my face and totally made me sick. Near the end of our relationship, he made no excuses or apologies, and I stopped reacting. I just could not fathom this strange behavior because my first husband was pretty much just a regular guy sexually. I am sure he jacked off, but he never did it in front of me! So effing weird!

NancyM's picture

Didn't want to disturb you????

Yup I know what you mean there. I think I got severely disturbed but finally I realised he was the disturbed one.

chickon2's picture

Holy

Bejezus
I spit water out of my mouth after I read this

"He actually had me believing that it was not that big of a deal that he liked to wear my undies and shove a huge toy up his ass!!!"

My XN told me he had only slept with 4 other girls before me, and would only think of having un protected sex with me ONLY.

hahaha..

AND

well yeah porn.. found that while snooping

ick

blueeyes's picture

I can't believe I'm going to post this

He told me that when he was a teenager, he would wackoff in the tanning bed at the salon. I said "Why"? He said "I was bored!

Sicko!

hooklineandsinker's picture

Yeah, mine didn't have great

Yeah, mine didn't have great erections either. If he was giving me oral sex, and afterwards I wanted intercourse, he would have to stroke himself to make himself hard enough. It was only the very first time together where he was hard enough without doing anything to himself. Soooooo not used to that from normal guys, who pretty much get an erection just from kissing you.

Nothanx's picture

oral sex?

Oral sex on me? Are you kidding? He was obsessed with "eating Pussy", just not mine! So he said! How was that supposed to make me feel about my private parts and sexuality! Total mind fuck!

hooklineandsinker's picture

What? You mean he gave

What? You mean he gave other women oral sex but not you? Whoa. What a dirtbag. I'm not even that pushed about oral sex, I much prefer intercourse, but he did it anyway. I guess it's less intimate than intercourse because he's away down there.

Nothanx's picture

don't know about other women

He was obsessed with looking at it on the internet! At the time, when we were together, he talked about it all the time and looked for it obsessively in his precious porn, but he would not even touch my genitals. He would kiss me and touch my boobs, but he would not touch my vagina with either his hand or his mouth. I of course took this very personally, but later, after the damage to my self esteem was already done...he told me it was all vagina's not just mine. While we were together he was a major porn addict and jacked off all the time. In order to deflect the blame onto me and away from his limp dick, he made me believe that I did not do it for him in the bedroom. Last I talked to him he admitted that he has always had germ phobias about vagina's on any woman, and that he was sorry he made me feel bad about myself...because I have nothing to feel bad about, and he thinks I am the most beautiful girl he has ever been with...blah, blah , blah!

Nothanx's picture

fetishes

It was weird enough that he had the strange crossdressing fetish, but what was even weirder is that he knew I told all my family and friends and he was not embarrassed (or he never admitted to be). If I got caught doing something as embarrassing as crossdressing, I would never be able to show my face at family get together's again. He acted like it didn't even phase him. I was the one who was embarrassed to bring HIM. That is one of the main reasons I would never be able to take him back...embarrassment. (I know that is sad on many levels because I should not be taking him back because he is an abusive cheater, but the truth is that I am embarrassed to say "this is my husband" and have people knowing he is a freak).

hooklineandsinker's picture

Yeah, mine stopped having an

Yeah, mine stopped having an orgasm inside me as well, and just ended up pulling out and finishing himself off over my back.

Nothanx's picture

Been there

So degrading, but when it was happening I was just hoping that he would hurry up and be done... so I let it happen! He was a habitual masturbator. He would *no exaggeration* jack-off between 10 and 20 times a day. I knew he liked to jack off to porn, but until I lived with him I had no clue how much he did it. I didn't even know it was possible to masturbate that much! Another abusive part of all this is that he would be really loving and romantic and get me all worked up...Then...bam...he would say "I am really tired I am going to bed"...and leave me for porn and jacking off! I can't believe I let him get away with this...I should have told him he was weird and been done with him the first time he did that to me!

MsVulcan500's picture

Nothanx,

I went through the same thing, only no porn, maybe only a mirror. LOL but you're right, it is so degrading and makes you feel so worthless. We are lucky we are free of it and now he is making someone else feel worthless and undesirable. They don't change. It's hard, but we can't take it personally. It was never about us.

almostlydia's picture

Excellent info, Betty. I am

Excellent info, Betty. I am sure the exN was a sex addict and the distinction does seam minimal that I can tell. There has been a breaking case in Atlanta about a very prominent black preacher making millions a year, of course, having 3 young men coming out as being coerced during a 'boys without father's program'. Then a 4th one came out and there was no doubt. He created a program to mentor boys as a father figure and then when they were of legal age (17) he coerced them into sex. This, I have no doubt, was the same game the exN had discovered as well. I can only describe this as truly living on the dark side. My instincts had told me this long before the Bishop Eddie Long had been exposed. As far as I'm concerned now when anyone wants to know why the exN and I are no longer together all I have to say is that he was doing the Eddie Long thing.

Sex addicts will abuse their own children as well as other people's children. They need the experience to be more and more risque like the alcoholic needs more drinks to get the same result. I am torn between what to do to save other Mother's sons having no proof, only instinct as to what I have seen. It is a dilemma.

almostlydia

solost's picture

This was mine

This was my narc to a tee, except he didn't have any other addictions. It was so VERY painful to me and really fucked up my head (still does, still struggling with this)

Thank you for posting it though cuz it actually is a little validating to me. No one believes me about the truth about him, so I stopped telling anyone.

Alive's picture

We

WILL ALWAYS believe in you.x

Briseis's picture

My exN hid it from me pretty

My exN hid it from me pretty well. I am a straightforward type of gal and take people at face value. Sex is a loving, exciting way to express your affection and bond. Getting kinky happens sometimes when you want to play and surprise yourself :D

But . . . stuff went way beyond "kink"

It finally hit home that he'd been coming home high on meth and attempting to have sex for HOURS and doing things that felt like I was a masturbation toy, like I wasn't even THERE. Well, I wasn't.

I've learned a lot about meth and sex, and that the two go together, pretty much.

Our sex life had something missing in it. We both felt it, something more "missing" than not missing.

He'd become conditioned to sex on meth. Just having normal sex (normal? well, you get my drift) was like eating vanilla ice cream when what you really want is New York Chocolate Fudge or whatever. Even though sex on meth is disgusting, depraved and without a lick of affection or love.

kiwi10's picture

Ongoing endeavor to set

Ongoing endeavor to set barriers to sexual behavior such as moving to a new neighborhood, getting married or even starving themselves sexually, which only fuels the addiction

this one i saw in my x for sure. wow. fascinating.

i was going 'to make him good', but when i was bad, he looked at porn and even posted personal ads. that was very helpful, thank you.

onwithmylife's picture

food for thought Betty

Maybe that is why the EXN said in a letter to me that i was "into cybersex in my desperate and depraved condition", speaking of course about himself. Cybersex is the LAST thing and I mean last thing i would ever do, rather just masturbate! He ripped into me for posting on Carigslist once looking to make some new friends AFTER we had broken up and said it "is a place or sexual predators,felons,sugar mamas". I am not disputing what he said, but then again any internet dating website probably has its risks.

betty2020's picture

Yes OWML. They are so great

Yes OWML. They are so great at shifting the addictions back towards us. I had this problem all the time with the xN. When they see us they see a reflection of their own behavior. Although we do not have these behaviors in reality, to them it is real. Twisted mind of a PDI (personality disordered individual). In part i believe that it is a defense mechanism for them. They are unable to accept their deprave condition as it is conflicting with their need for superior status and validation. It taints the ego because of the sigma associated with it. So therefore they accuse and blame others to make them feel less depraved. He constantly eluded to the idea that I was a cheater and alcoholic. None was the case but to this day I still look back and question myself.

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

kaybe's picture

Sexual addiction or the constant quest to just 'feel'

How interesting. I've just sort of ended a 7 year liaison with a narcissist. Not exactly a relationship for the last 4 years but more a FWB mutual addiction thing.

Anyway my ex is not exactly obsessed with sex BUT has no other way to experience or express emotions so he uses frequent sex to feel desired, wanted and most importantly in control.

This means that one woman is never going to be enough as no-one can provide adequate adoration in the face of his selfish behaviour. So he always has one main woman whom he can treat badly cos she's been brainwashed, and then is constantly on the hunt for back ups.

Unfortunately for the main woman, he's quite successful as a hunter because when he turns on the charm he is irresistable, so there's no shortage of back ups. That's why our relationship ended in the first place. Problem then is that I became one of the back ups!