Energy drainers, toxic relationships and enmeshment theory!

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#1 Oct 5 - 9AM
Qing Yuan
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Energy drainers, toxic relationships and enmeshment theory!

"Dealing with energy draining people involves developing a commitment to remaining firm, practical and friendly to those who would seek to bring us down. In my psychology training I learnt that energy drainers usually fall under two categories; the inadvertent drainer who is simply undergoing some life crises and throwing their ’stuff’ at you, and the real Narcissist who gets their kicks by employing manipulative tricks to bend you to their will in order to control you..... .........real friendship does not consist of one friend dumping their legal/financial/emotional entanglements on you.
by Melissa Ingham

Coping with People Who Drain Your Energy
http://factoidz.com/coping-with-people-who-drain-your-energy....
Factoidz Writer (Ranked #8 expert in Etiquette & Social Situations)...

"Now he tells he cant pay the school fees...
This month the mortgage goes unpaid and another one looms.
Sure he works but I cant even tell you what he does cos its not legit!
SO more chaos reigns for us...."

"I know one thing, there is plenty of time he is sitting around dreaming up money making schemes ratha than be driven to doing a bit of manual labour, selling coffee, stacking shelves, anything.... he is not stupid, he is capable of a lot! And to think that we could avoid this catastophre if he just took even a part-time job.."

Energy drainers, will claspe those around tightly if they stand to gain a free ride, some victims taste of a security when they feel like they are failing, you can pick them up. When they need some affection or even just sex then they can beguile you with seemingly real emotions and what seems like physcial gestures of affection. Like lost children without mothers in the arms of the first one with bosom. They crawl wearily in and draw out the energy of every situation. So when there screwing the finances, and have hit rock bottom, they begin again, the grooming, the manifest the persona they know you wish was real, they stroke your ego and even 'play dead' to get some more of the 'sweet apple pie' that they think we will feed them..

IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE ANY KIND OF BASE LEVEL RELATIONSHIP WITH THESE GUYS.. (Co-praenting, boss, friend) OR DO THEY DRAIN EVEN WHEN THEY ARE NOT PRESENT??

GUESS IT'S HOW DEEPLY ENMESEHED THEY ARE IN YOUR WHOLE LIFE>

They are 'Looser's who continually loose everything' and feed off other's hard work and determination to succeed in life...

His life crisis is ultimatly mine now. The more he drags us down into the soup the more water I have to keep bailing out...

Ultimatly letting go completely of all toxic relationships is goin to mean we have to let go of the same projections in our own pysche. How do we let these toxic people become some enmeshed with our lives, emotionally, physcially, finacially. etc etc...

Its about that level of enmeshment. The narc moves fast and before you know it you are well and truly "enmeshed".
It becomes more difficuilt as the years/months/days even roll by to recalim your power!?

"Enmeshment refers to an extreme form of proximity and intensity in family interactions...In a highly enmeshed, overinvolved family, changes within one family member or in the relationship between two family members reverberate throughout the system... On an individual level, interpersonal differentiation in an enmeshed system is poor...in enmeshed families the individual gets lost in the system. The boundaries that define individual autonomy are so weak that functioning in individually differentiated ways is radically handicapped (Minuchin, et al, 1978, p.30).

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/family-and-friends/17245-enmeshment-collusion...

read more on this forum post on Psychlinks Online on Enmeshment, Collusion, and toxic relationships

I suppose I see why I am in this but it doesn't help me to work out... HOW to seperate peoperly form this draining human being I have manifested in my life.

I have hives and excema again from this money worry. He can work, but he chooses to do as little as possible and would ratha make posters to sell his posessions...
I have worked hard to get where I have got in life. My job is not easy, its extremly challenging...
he would rather ruin me than go find work.
I should have dumped him as soon as he told me spent his teenage life growing up in a squat!

F*K my open mind!

Oct 5 - 12PM
Briseis
Briseis's picture

That is a good article! Qing

That is a good article! Qing Yuan, here's how it is for me. I just can't have an energy draining person anywhere NEAR me. Granted, I have no choice, really. You can't pick your family, and you can't pick your co-workers. You gotta somehow coexist. Since I can't keep away entirely, I put up really excellent boundaries. They are super hard core, but I hardly EVER come right out and say BACK OFF BUSTER. If I have to tell someone to back the HELL off, then I find some way to not have them in my life at all. Your exNarc is bound to you b/c of the little boy. So you have to find a balance that works for you. Obviously, what you are currently doing is NOT working (you are here expressing a lot of unhappiness over it). Separating from him has very little to do with HIM, his behavior, his attempts to get in there and f*ck with you. That he'll try is a given. It is what you do inside yourSELF that makes the separation. He can call you fifty thousand times a day . . . bang on your doors and windows . . . threaten to bust in . . . and you still have the ultimate power to not let him in. You have almost perfect control of how far in he gets, into your house, and INTO YOUR MIND. This is the power that we don't realize we have :) And once you realize it, OMG, it is like discovering you have super powers LOL!! I am completely serious! Here is the key: The only reason he gets in is because YOU LET HIM IN. Find that "something" in you that lets him in. Get excruciatingly honest with yourself. Is it some little remnant of hope? That fear of being all alone? That' the kind of crap that opens the door every time. And then DEAL with that door opener.
Oct 5 - 1PM (Reply to #3)
Qing Yuan
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I am feeling quite sick of

I am feeling quite sick of it all. Have snubbed my martial arts class in favour of home baked chocolate brownies. He texted me to say he was working Friday morning. It's Tuesday today... What pray tell is doing until then? Yes he minds our son on Thursday and Friday day time but there are two days and three evenings in between. Its Tuesday today and I know he worked in his ropy job for a few hours this morning about 6-9 but WHAT HAS HE BEEN DOING SINCE THEN... He has been at his sitting on his butt in his freaking house!!!!! I dont even need him to give me the whole amount, half of it would help... But he is sitting in his room, playing on his computer and feeling hard done by because his (ex) wife keeps asking when he is going to have the money, he owes her so she can pay her own bills, and for the mortgage and for the loan for the computers?? I am not afraid of being alone Briseis... Not at all... I am not afraid of loosing him... Just loosing my home, my 25,000 investment in that home, my belongings, my child safe place, and my sanity as he drags me down to his pit of destruction. I know I have ultimate power but the level of deep tangled-up emeshment that prevails right now means that I am facing a very distressing situation right now that makes me SOOOOO MAD!!!!! I guess I just cant break free until I can demand my independence financially and emotionally. . I am drained today. I let him in and sucked me dry again. ate my food, did some jobs to appear like he cares, made some 'noise' to sound like he cared and then left taking my valuable power and energy with him... I will find a way to survive this... But I am worried about how incredulous he is as to send me a text that said... "Miss you both very much, I am working Friday morning, Just writing a tune now. Nite nite both... xx" GET A JOB YOU LAZY FREE LOADER!!!!
Oct 5 - 1PM (Reply to #4)
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Losses

You say you are NOT afraid to be alone but afraid to lose a place to live, $25K investment in that place, a child safe place, & your possessions. Well, you are just throwing good money after bad money & you will lose even more in the end. And, is this man a good example to your child? You see, with an Emotional & Financial Vampire there is no end to how much you lose? They only leave when two things occur. They have drained you of everything & they have a replacement lined up. I truly understand how hard it is to leave one's home & way of life. This kept me in there longer than I should have & I lost precious time in my life & even more money. There is no easy way to leave a Narcissist. They get what they get & we lose what we lose. If you decide to leave, get some very large men, get in & get out like a SWAT TEAM & grab all your possessions that you want & then vanish. Anything you may leave behind will be lost or destroyed. There is no easy way out with a true Narcissist. You have to plan your escape carefully & execute fast & vanish. None of this like normal people, living in separate rooms in the house until housing gets sorted out, etc. These men are not normal. A clean, fast break is the only solution. And there will be losses. But, thereafter, everything you accumulate & earn is yours & nothing for the N to take from that which he feels is his due (usually everything you have is his).
Oct 5 - 5PM (Reply to #7)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Cutting and running

That's why I left New Mexico without telling a soul... not even the professors I trusted the most. I was afraid that the ex-P would get wind of it, and who knows what would happen. I just... vanished. And he thought the D&D was HIS last word when mine was disappearing. I did hang out on campus after graduation, so when I made my last hurrah... he didn't know it. Like a ghost. What's weird is that since my family has donated $$$ to my alma mater, there's a brick in the library with my name on it. It doesn't say "In memory of",however. Guess that's my ghost in a sense...
Oct 5 - 1PM (Reply to #5)
Briseis
Briseis's picture

Agnesmurphy

*sigh* and a big amen to all that :( I held on so tight to the "hope" my exNarc would get his act together, so I wouldn't lose what I'd come to hold dear, that I ended up losing ALL of it. To the tune of 200K and a beloved farm that will sell when Kingdom Comes in this economy :( I hear you Qing Yuan (((((bighugs))))). I dare say I know exactly what it feels like. 200K or 25K is irrelevant, it's the HOME and the SECURITY, the sameness, the one thing that gives us a sense of safety. We need that. As long as you stay in this situation -- where you RELY upon HIM to support the most essential basis of your's and your son's safety -- you will live in this fear and anguish and uncertainty. It will bind you to him like super glue emotionally. He will loom in your mind like a tornado on the edge of your town. I had folks tell me pretty much what Agnesmurphy said. Cut and RUN. I just COULDN'T. But I never forgot what they said, and finally, when I had no money at all, and the electric company came and turned off my power and I couldn't get it turned back on . . . well, THIS slow learner finally cut and run. The losses are terrible, and you feel their pain for a long time to come. Two years from when I lost everything, I still hurt. I have built back up, as quickly and deliberately as I could manage, even going a bit beyond my comfort zone so I could "have" what I so desperately missed (critters). Still, two years out, I don't regret at all what I did. I regret that I had to do it, but I know in my heart of hearts that I had to do what I did, I'd run out of legitimate choices. Being dependent upon that idiot to keep your very HOME is something you need to reconsider. Hoping/wishing/raging at him to get a real job isn't going to make a damn bit of difference. Your wellbeing is dependent upon a NARC, who could OBViOUSLY care less that you and his own child have a safe, secure home. That 25K, or whatever is left of it due to economic downturns is something you can have in your hand. Get a small, nice, safe apartment and put the house on the market as a short sale. There are SO many homes in foreclosure the banks don't want to deal with them. You might be able to sell it before it forecloses. No "thing" is worth staying in bondage to this man. You will come to realize this. When you have a safe secure home unthreatened by him, one you provide for yourself and your son, you will see what we mean. It wasn't worth it.
Oct 6 - 2AM (Reply to #6)
Qing Yuan
Qing Yuan's picture

Thanks so much for your

Thanks so much for your input! It's somewhat to the point! I am terrified of walking out on my life! And from the beggining I've said to everyone I know! He came to my town and nit the other way around! I refuse to walk out on my life that I have worked hard to build up into some thing half way sucessful! Why should I let that person chase me out of my own home!!! No I'm gona get my divorce and legal aid and get him out of my life! I won't be bullied out of my possesiobs and mostly my hope! It's hope and fear that has made me keep moving and never sit still! I thought no man could ever replace my ex ex narc! I honestly thought my heart would stop after that break up 15 years ago or more! I tried to over dose and nearly lost everything including my life!!! I was emeshed to emotianally that I felt such loss after he went!!! Now I know if I can find myself again after that, that I still av fight in me left for this! My son will av to go mainstream and I'll av to work full time! That's that! And I'll do that if I have too! Guess that's wats on the cards! It's a tradegy because I love 'mothering' my son! I honestly didn't have a son for the below par state system to raise him for me, but less I loose my childs home, it's a choice isn't it? So I am guna fight some more b4 I loose my life to this person who has so little hope in his own life! I feel sorry for him! Hope is wat keeps me from destroying myself completely! I hear you tho, holding outfit hope for this person to change is pointless and dangerous hope not worth having!
Oct 5 - 10AM
WellRed
WellRed's picture

Good article, thank you for

Good article, thank you for sharing. The energy draining part really hit home for me.