darksparks' story

Hi everyone

I thought I'd share a bit about myself, but I really don't want to go into my story in-depth. It's strange, even by NARC standards and it's not going to do me any good to dredge up it all.

Suffice it to say - he was in my life a long time ago. Treated me like shit, but I was MAD for him. It's embarrassing to think about how little respect I had for myself at the time. He threw me crumbs and I lapped it up.

So years and years later, due to the magic of the internet we cross paths again. He started in immediately with the shine - I was the one that got away, he's been longing for me for years, blah blah blah. Everything I had wanted to hear the first time. Blurg.

The promises, promises, promises, that I believed without a moment of doubt. But the first time I went to do something for myself and left him alone, it was 'I should have known not to trust you', and 'I'm afraid I've made a mistake'. And when I made some playful demands on him, he disappears, cuts contact and doesn't come back until I've begged and apologized until I'm blue in the face.

So I was starting to have doubts about the promises and start asking too many questions. Then I found about the other woman he had on the line - a madonna type who worships the ground he walks on. So I flip out. And he cuts me off again - this time for the better part of a week. I pleaded and begged, but the D&D had officially begun.

He gets distant and ice cold, saying that he never made any promises and that if I were a better person, he might be consider trying harder to be with me. He lectured me about ALL MY FAULTS, tried to tell me that I am borderline, that I'm an alcoholic - but all couched in 'love' - he wants to help me because he's a good person. He want to see me be happy someday, even if it's not with him.

My immediate response was panic. I spent about 24 hours in a tear-filled frenzy, but something was nagging at the back of my mind. It finally dawned on me that even though I HAVE problems, I wasn't THE problem in this relationship. So I said as much to him. His response was that it was too bad that I didn't see that he was trying to help me, that he simply had to wash his hands of me and wish me well.

I was crushed but angry, and there was something strange he had said in his final email - that it was my 'sense of entitlement' that was causing me problems. Doing a internet search, it didn't take long to come up with NPD. I couldn't believe that I was reading the story of my relationship, all the things I blamed myself for, all the mental abuse and cruel lies.

It took a long time for me to reach indifference. There were a few months where I entertained his disorder, tried to give him what he wanted under the premise that 'some was better than nothing'. And just like everyone says, the honeymoon phase got shorter and shorter, then I'd be dismissed heartlessly. When he got bored or lonely, he'd be back.

Finally, I just got tired of trying. I woke up one day with no desire to play the game anymore. It was like a job - be entertaining, be adoring, be patient - and one day when he refused to acknowledge me I just said to HELL with this.

Obviously I'm not OVER it yet, but I'm getting there. I've been reading this forum for the last year and lately find myself wanting to add some reinforcements - say ME TOO, and IT DOES GET BETTER.

I LOVE my new boundaries! I don't know if I've ever had them before. I feel like I'm emerging from the blackness as a new person. I can smell manipulation from a mile away, I'm not afraid to say NO!

There is still work to be done, which is why I'm here. Also, I'm really impressed by the way so many board members have stepped up and give kind, firm and blunt advice. It is so very difficult to come to grips with this nightmare, and it's terribly awesome that some many good women have so much compassion to share.

thanks for letting me share
DS