Leeam's Story

hi everyone, i'm leeam. a smart, reasonably attractive, 30something single mother with 2 young boys (7 and 4), living far away from home so have no support structure. and somehow i've gotten myself into a big ugly mess when it comes to relationships.

my ex (father of my kids) claims to be a depressive. that life is hard and everything is and everyone is out to get him. he became super controlling, was calling me up at work every 15 minutes and if i did not answer, was calling ever 30 seconds over and over again. he'd drive to my work and look for my car and try to catch sight of me to make sure i was there (if i did not answer my phone, it was usually because i was in meetings). he'd say he was going out, but would then hide in the garden and watch to see if anyone came over (if they did, it was coincidence that they did, but mostly no-one came over) and he'd keep peering through the curtains to see what i was doing (who knows what he thought i was doing). i asked him about getting couples therapy but he denied there were any problems. i always needed less sleep than him and he'd resent if i was awake while he was sleeping. he'd wake up and come shouting at me to go to bed. after i finally threw him out, a year ago, he has been really milking things. he has told all our friends how evil and bad i am and has made up lots of stories. i didn't set anyone straight as i figure friends who dump me like that aren't worth my time, so he effectively took all my friends away, except one. and that one, he has recently started seeing for movies and dinner etc, so i guess i've lost her too now. he told our kids that he might as well kill himself as he has nothing left to live for now that mommy reuined his life. he tells them that he would immediately move back into the house and be with them if i would let him. etc etc etc. so that is great fun. so is he a narcissist?

and then i started seeing a guy who was wonderful. he made me feel things i never felt before and supported me through the abuse my ex gave me. and after 6 months, he started getting mean. always verbally attacking me, putting me down, telling me how fat i am (my belly never looked the same after having my kids) and how stupid and ugly and old etc etc i am. swearing at me. then says i drive him to do it and he doesn't really mean it but that he loves me. he verbally attacks me any time i say something that he disagrees with or that he doesn't like. then if i don't say anything, he attacks me for pulling away from him and not sharing with him. i don't know what to do. he intimidates me and scares me, but i love him more than i thought i could ever love anyone (except my kids) and no matter how hard i try, i can't walk away from him. he doesn't see my kids so they don't know him and he has had no influence on them. he says he loves kids and wants us all to live together, and wants to be a daddy to them and for us to have our own baby too. but what if he started calling me a f**king b**ch in front of them or putting me down? i do not want my kids to see that sort of thing. he says he treats me fantastically and that i am cruel and hurtful and verbally attacking to him which is why he does it back to me (mostly he does it back in anger he says), and if i stop, he will stop, but i don't feel that saying how i feel and what i want is attacking. and i don't feel like i am attacking him. to me, calling people those names and swearing at them and putting them down is not acceptable to do to your enemies, and definately not acceptable to do to someone you love.

so i can't walk away from this guy, but my confidence is destroyed, my self belief and assertiveness and strength is in the gutter and i hate myself and my life.

all the things i think he does to me, he thinks i do to him first. so what is going on? am i nuts? is he a narcissist? am i a narcissist? are we both narcissists? what can i do to fix the relationship? or how can i make myself walk away from the one person in this world who at least sometimes listens to me (even if its only once a month or so)?

im tired of always appologising for things i have no idea im doing and cannot see how what i say could possibly be seen as attacking. im tired of crying every single day. im tired of being physically threatened (he hits the wall and throws things, but has not touched me). im tired of feeling alone and weak, and pressured and stressed. everyone wants a piece of me (i work 50 hours a week and they want more from me, travel 20 hours a week, never get enough sleep) and i have nothing left to give

i just want to smile and laugh and enjoy life. i want a man i love (him) to hold me and share our daily experiences and support each other and buld each other up and be there for each other and be a family with my children. forever.

what can i do? any suggestions are welcome.