SherBear's Story...

It’s so hard to pick a point of where to clue everyone in about my story….as I know that I was heartbroken by another narc relationship but I think that was just another symptom of my life and never dealing with any issues along the way.
I grew up on an amazing street when I was 12 till I graduated high school. There were over a dozen kids on the street, and we were all so close. Sand forts, bikes, football games, fishing, rope swings,swimming, and I could on and on….I love these people to this day with all my heart and treasure every memory. Narc lived on my street and we were each other’s first kiss…..he would sneak out at night and race his yellow lab, Taffy, down to my house and knock on my window and we would make out for hours!! Lol somewhere around his 8th or 9th grade of school, he got into trouble with his parents, who were both raging alcoholics and cruel to him. They ended up sending him away to boarding school, 2 states away. And this completely shattered him. He told me how it was like everyone was ripped away from him, his whole life, how everyone pretty much died, when they sent him away by himself. I can’t even imagine. When he came back, everyone was into their clicks in high school and I had moved on to more boyfriends. He felt abandoned and left out. I’m sure this is a huge part of his shattered past.

I had the same boyfriend for 4 years in high school, and he was what I now know another narc in my life. I even believe that my father was the first narc in my life. Me always wanting his attention and never feeling good enough, competing for his attention with brothers and sister….he was an alcoholic and womanizer, but above everything, I know my father loves us and would do anything for us and has….but he is a JERK if you rub him the wrong way. I have lived in fear of him most my life and still find myself choking up when I have to deal with him, barely to put a sentence together……but I am growing and learning and putting up boundaries now with him….that is huge for me!!!

Anyway, 6 weeks before I graduated high school, I had the world by the ass…..I was homecoming queen, lots of friends, a boyfriend who adored me, going to college soon…… and I was starting some modeling. I got asked to do a german sportsline and went to photo shoot where the man ended up drugging me and raping me….he videotaped the whole thing. He called the hospital and told them that he had found me and I had tried to kill myself, he took me to the hospital and they pumped my stomach and saved my life. It was devastating to me. My boyfriend didn’t know how to handle it and he started seeing other women, including a stripper. The worst was that I ended up pregnant and didn’t know if it was my boyfriends or the man who raped me….so I terminated the pregnancy. Little did I know that I would end up infertile and unable to ever have a child…….that really screwed me up.

When I graduated high school, a few weeks later, I was gone! I couldn’t leave there fast enough….and I never looked back. I associated so much pain with that place. Sad…..:o( And I went into my own little dark, lonely world…..I tried to remove any piece of that girl that I had so grown to hate. I completely lost myself in gaining over 100 lbs….I didn’t want anyone to ever look at me and think of me as attractive again….that way I would never get hurt again. And for over 20 years, that is how I lived. I could cry even thinking of it.

I married for the first time to a HUGE EVIL NARC, who physically abused me. It took 3 times and him almost strangling me to death to leave. That was almost 15 years ago and I knew instinctively to go NC, and I ended up moving across he country to get away from him. My best friend and I left and we had no job, no apt, no nothing…and we made it!! Then a few months after divorce was final, I met my current husband. He is a wonderful man and we are a good team. WE have been married almost 13 years. But I have fallen out of love with him. I am not happy in this relationship even though he adores me . I think it goes back to when we got married, I needed safety and security and he gave me that, but now that I am gaining the strength in myself, I am on a different level now. I want more in my marriage, I want passion, I want desire, I want kisses and sex, and I don’t want that with him anymore. I feel like we are roommates, which we are at this point. I knew this was happening inside me about 2 years ago. We finally seperated around the new year. Last year, I lost 80 lbs and found myself to be in a world of PTSD anxiety and fear associated all the way back to the rape, and all the abuse along the way. The more weight I lost, the more fear I felt….remember I associate being pretty with pain and trauma. I knew I had to deal with it, but I was so afraid….I was so scared to think about all that I had blocked from my mind for so long, but I knew if I was ever going to live in peace in my life, I had to face my fears.

In walks the current Narc and my dear old friend. We found each other on Facebook last December and it was a whirlwind to say the least. We live in different places, he lives in our hometown, so we really only talked on the phone and texted for like 2 months before we broke down to see each other. We got very close in those months but there were red flags that I should have acted on but I found myself loosening what I had of my boundaries with him and making excuses for his disappearing for a few days and not returning phone calls. I tried to minimize it…. :o(

When we finally saw each other in February, it was immediate fireworks again. The kisses were exactly the same! I was afraid that I had lost my desire to kiss and be intimate, but I found that to be far from the truth with him. We just knew each other so well, same old humor and jokes from long ago, and we had a great time. He confessed to me that weekend that he had an addiction to painkillers and that he had detoxed from them the weekend before. He still had the chills and didn’t feel well and had the shakes. I remember thinking, ‘Holy Shit! This is scary, but he was so honest with me and is reaching out for help and I need to help him. “
So for 6 hours on the day we were leaving, we laid on the bed ,came clean about demons and took our masks off and cried and sobbed and held each other. We cried for the kids in us and the grown ups that know they have a job to do to fix the mess we had created. We gave each other strength to get up and move towards our goals. IT was the most incredible experience I have ever had with another human being, and it had nothing to do with sex. In fact, it was so powerful that we call it “4 points” after the hotel we were at. I believe that he did the best thing for me. He remembered me, he remembered happy and healthy Sherry and he made me want to go back and fight for her. I like to think that he took me by the hand and gave me the courage to go and fight for Sherry again…..and I know that I helped him do the same. I believed in him and I accepted him where he was at. He didn’t need to feel ashamed with me. He told me all about how boarding affected him, the alcoholism and his parents abuse. He cried and cried and cried with me and I loved him and tried to bring him some peace with that time. We spoke words of love in this time, fairy tale love, the future, vacations together, blending our families, living happily ever after….

(He was married for 12 years and had 3 kids with her. They divorced 7 years ago. But she absolutely destroyed him in the break up and that was another huge step towards his womanizing ways. He closed his heart after her, but he told me that I was the first girl he ever loved and that I was already in his heart before she destroyed it. He told me he believed that God sent an angel, the only girl who ever would have been able to get into his heart and I saved him. His ex wife passed away from cancer in January and he knew that his kids were coming to live with him in the summer and that he had to get his act together….hence the detox.)

After that first weekend together, we got him into recovery for the pills and his self admitted alcohol problem….we spoke 24/7. We were each other’s confidantes. He was my best friend and I know I was his too. His goals were to focus on recovery, get a 9-5 job for when his come in the summer and get ready for his kids. We saw each other 3 more weekends before the dismissal happed at the end of March. He was never verbally rude to me or anything in this time….he would become distant and disappear, but I knew he suffered from anxiety and would write it off as that. But I hated when he didn’t return a text or call. I hate that from anyone! Anyway, at the end of March, I was getting ready to return to my hometown for the first time in over 20 years…..and I was scared to death. Remember I related it to trauma and pain. But I was going to go and meet up with friends and see him a few days as well. That was our plan. I get a call a few days before I am set to go from narc and he says that he is not available now for me to stay at this place…..his mom was having surgery…..excuses, excuses, excuses and I was dumbfounded…..huh????? He knew what this weekend meant to me and how nervous I was and I found comfort in knowing he was going to be there with me…..but we ended up splitting that day instead. He said he just couldn’t focus on relationship right now with his kids coming and his recovery…..etc…..I was beyond confused and heartbroken but accepted it b/c I knew it was what he needed and friends want the best for each other. And still, I had to go to my hometown now completely on my own in 3 days. I was so freaking scared and couldn’t believe he wasn’t going to be there for me. But I did it!! Alone!! About 30 friends showed up for me at a bar that weekend and I was able to share with them for the first time about why I left so drastically 20 years ago and they were all shocked and wished they could’ve been there for me. Noone knew about it. They made me feel so loved and I so desperately needed it.

When I returned home, I began my recovery for PTSD and it was freaking ugly! I was laid out on the couch for months, not knowing if I was going to survive. Dealing with losing narc was huge but I felt like I was grieving every relationship I ever had. I never grieved anything in my life, when I broke up with a boyfriend, I went and found another one! HUGE MISTAKE!! So I grieved 25 years worth of break ups in this time along with the worst pain from the narc. We were still somewhat communicating but only a few times a month and mostly by fb chat or text. I swore to myself that I was going to handle myself with dignity and grace no matter what with him. I never called desperate, never bitched him out, never made him feel guilty….I was the epitome of grace. He asked me in June to meet up with him for dinner when he was in town for work, but once again, he called a few days ahead of time and cancelled saying his company was not going to be here and he was not working at all that weekend. Well, I knew in my spirit he was here that weekend and I was correct as I caught him in lie after lie after lie…..he and his company were here that weekend. Why lie? Why invite me and then cancel? Just tell me you don’t want to see me. ?????

I never confronted him on these lies. I did back off for a few weeks and had a conversation that basically told him that I don’t appreciate him treating me so aloof. Actions speak louder than words and his words were shit. And that he was hurting me….he was hurting the very emotions
I was trying so desperately to heal. I told him that I couldn’t do that anymore and I cut him off. Only to friend him again on FB a month later. This time he seemed more attentive, including me in the happy things like his kids finally coming and his new kick ass job, a lot more respectful of me…..he even would tell me he loved me at the end of convos…..I took it as a best friend kinds love but still…….I thought I could handle this….we are going to be able to be friends….until…the girl I had suspected back in May/June as a new girl to him was confirmed to me. Thank you very much Facebook! He was telling me all along that he was so proud of himself for staying single…..and always kept that hope alive with us in the future. But this chick posted pics on 8/22 of them from that weekend (he had disappeared again after saying I love you again, he was with her) they were at sunrise at the beach and her naked in his business shirt and tie with him holding her leg and kissing her head, and even had pics dating all the way back to June….I had a timeline now of his lies and deceit!! All along he was lying and being so deceitful, to keep from losing me as supply. I immediately texted and messaged him and told him that I knew and that I was going to finally let him go for good…. He tried texting me twice last week and I wouldn’t respond, he had her change her privacy settings, and finally I got my first taste of his verbal wrath….he was so mad that I deleted and blocked him on FB that he texted me and said….okay, bye bye….your loss, and whoever you told your psycho story to will get the true story from me…..you had way different ideas of what a few times together meant……:o((((( What a dick! I never responded and that was 36 days ago. He thinks I only blocked him b/c of the girl, but it's b/c of his lies and deceit and lack of integrity and overall narc ways! At first, I was nervous if he was going to talk shit…but now I don’t care. My friends know me and love me and appreciate me and if they want to listen to his BS, then fuck them….I don’t need them.

Needless to say, this has all been so disturbing, so confusing and heartbreaking. I can only at this point, concentrate on me and my recovery and healing. I have come so far in 6 months…..clarity and peace are new friends of mine, despite me still not being clear of the thoughts of narc. I have learned soooooo much about myself and what I contributed to these relationships. I have had so many mini-revelations and I know the longer I go NC the clearer I will become. I am growing and changing and establishing boundaries and learning to forgive myself and others in my life. I’m learning to love myself again and I am soooo proud of myself!!. My husband and I are living in the same house as we finish paying off the rest of our debt….9 months to go….we have worked so hard for 3 years and we both know this is the right thing to do. I don’t care b/c I am in recovery, I have no urge to date anyone, my focus is on me, period!
I pray that I will come to a place in my healing where I will be able to appreciate what Narc did in my life, no anger, no hate, no emotions, just appreciation for the blessing he was to my me and my recovery. And despite the pain, I think I learned so much from him.. I think God needed my heart ripped open so that He could come in and heal all the deep dark crevices of my bleeding heart. For this I will always be grateful to him. I pray that we will be able to be at reunions and put aside this whole thing and just celebrate our friends and childhood. I HOPE…… Sometimes it’s hard not to break NC, b/c I miss my friend. But he is not really my friend….at least not the kind that I want. It’s always all about him…..well no more! Now It’s all About ME!!!!! I wonder if he thinks of me, or if he misses me……or is he sick enough to override all our childhood memories b/c he is mad that I dealt a severe blow with blocking him on FB……I hope my heart catches up to my head soon. It's so bittersweet to appreciate the blessing but be so mad and sad at the man....ugh.... But for now, my heart is just broken. :o(

But I am moving forward and look forward to my future!! Thanks for listening!