movingforward's story

I've posted before on another site...it's more detailed what I went through from there because I posted as it happened, these are little collection's of tales that I experienced over the past year or so that would conclude what I've been through.

Reading through my previous posts shows me that I was weak. I went back repeatedly for more abuse. I was addicted to him.

I blame myself. Anyways go grab a coffee and have a good read. It's long, it's detailed and your comments and or point of view are gladly welcomed :-)

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July 2009

Met this guy online in Mid-May... had the best month of my life with this man until Mid-June. Incredible is an understatement.
He wanted me to be his girlfriend...be with me for long term...he was booking us paid trips in August.

Mid-June he seems distant...I found him flirting with another woman on msn...I grew paranoid and called him up one evening while he was working (as a police officer) and ended it....he claimed she's an old friend from high school and they talk every so often. Still something didn't sit right with me.

Maybe I was just insecure (been burnt before).

Regretting it hours later, he calls me and I apologized, but he took a few days to 'think us over'. He came back to me, but removed the "relationship" status from his Facebook and left it blank. He told me to 'just ask him if I ever want to know anything in the future..'

Since then we've spent time together but it felt 'off' somehow.
He says my behaviour freaked him out a little and I explained that I was hurt before and that I know he's not them and what I should have said was "Cool! - when can I meet her?!"

I never brought up the woman again.

Another month goes by and he's always online, always on msn with "single hot women (that are aka: friends)" always commenting on other women's facebook walls and not mine anymore. Going home after work & going online with these women before calling me.

I never brought it up.

Again, something wasn't sitting right with me... I went on (not signed up) the dating site we met on and typed in his age and astrological sign and there was a profile that appeared to be exactly him. I swear it is him, the way he writes, etc. He said "just checking things out for now, looking for long term." The profile would be "online" whenever he was online.

Looks like he created it around the time I freaked out before.

He hadn't asked me to do anything with him in a week...

I asked him if he still wanted to continue seeing me (not mentioning the profile) and he says angrily "well judging on how you're asking me this twice now, you must be having doubts" and he says "when did you ever ask me to do anything with you?"

Anyways, I think I fell in love with this man and I was so afraid of getting hurt again that I just wanted to run away. I wanted to end it on Monday morning and try to get on with my life...I think a relationship, especially one this new should just be smooth and easy...not like this, so I sent him this email (in an attempt to just move on:)

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Woke up this morning with the same feeling as last night.

Firstly, I still have a fear in the back of my mind
that you're in the process of finding someone else for long term
since the last time.

Secondly, you're most likely going to assume I'm going to
panic and end it at any given time.

Life is too short for this nonsense and we both deserve to be happy.

So, I'm going to do the grown up thing and walk away.

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Then I blocked him and wanted to move on.

It's 3 days later and I miss him and I feel like I behaved like a crazy lunatic.

I think I need to just let this one go but all I can think about is that first month we had together....

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Dec. 2009

He contacted me a few weeks later. Asked me out for dinner, began calling and pursuing me again. We went on that trip we had booked the previous May and things were going really good.
He gave me a key to his home...bought me a little overnight kit, toothbrush, etc. Had me spend time with his family, etc.

However.

His contact with the other single, attractive women on IM, texting and with phonecalls continues. He says they're "friends" but they still flirt with him. He says "I've known them since high school and it's how we joke around".

He refuses to switch his Facebook account to say in a relationship with me or in a relationship and he says, his work knows and his family...and he says he mentions me to these women so what's the big deal. He went through his Facebook friends list and told me who they all were.

Didn't bug me for a long time...then it started bothering me...something was telling me that it felt off. So one morning while he was in the shower I peaked at his cell phone and read a text from some girl "Thanks for the other night ;-)"

With my heart pounding and assuming the worst I gave him his key back and left his home, he called me and explained "it was a thanks for giving someone legal advice and I didn't tell you because you were already upset over these women."

2 evenings ago, and a few leading up to that I felt as though he was acting weird. And I wanted to simply give him his space and not question anything...which I followed through with.
But holding in how much it bothers me about this stuff with the women I finally said something 2 nights ago.
We ended up on the phone discussing it for 2 hrs... I was crying, he was mad that I didn't talk to him about it.

He basically said "I've changed for someone before and I'm not changing now" and "WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME!"
The thing is, he's not too romantic and almost expressionless. I never know if he's in a bad mood or what. I want to be told he cares about me...that he misses me, normal stuff that a committed relationship should be. And he said before "I'm not doing this again" the last time I was upset over the women.

So basically, it's his way or the highway. I felt just sick that these women talk to him all the time, it's like he's in an emotional relationship with them...then he has nothing to talk about with me afterwards. They text him late at night, he keeps his phone on vibrate.

Anyways I sent a quick text last night "Cold, tired, finally heading home and want to forget last night ever happened(our fight). Hope you made it to your son's play, have a good shift"

No reply.

This morning I woke up and couldn't sleep. I sent "I'm sorry"

No reply.

And finally, before going into work I sent this as a final...I'm leaving him alone msg:

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I get that you’re probably irritated with me...I understand.

You’re a simple, uncomplicated, easy-going guy and I’ve been doing the opposite, complicating this and generally being a pain in the ass.

One of the greatest and most basic needs in life is having amazing friendships -- you deserve that & I know what a loyal friend you are because you’ve been one to me.

My past has made me who I am today. Most of me is great, but some of me was broken. Blaming you for the mistakes of others is unfair.
I am not perfect. It’s clearly been a struggle, but things have happened in my life that I can either allow to ruin my happiness or I can take what I have learned and grow from it.

I don’t want to bother you anymore. I want to move past this, either with or without you.

Preferably with.

I love you for who you are.

So when and/or if you’re ready to continue with something less complicated & simple, i.e. wings at midnight with some Family Guy followed by maybe a few rounds of drunken Guitar Hero...I’ll be around.
xo

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Dec 2009 - Part 2

Further to my last post a few things occured... after he txted back "me too" (in response to my "I'm sorry", I thought okay, maybe we can figure this out.

When I saw that text the following day, I replied "call me later"...he called later on his way to work, but I couldn't get to the phone and he left a message "I called you because you wanted me to"....we texted briefly then he said "I'm at work now, talk later".

All that night nothing...I sent him a "how was work?" we texted back and forth, then that was all...all the next day and night, nothing.
So I figured, okay, I guess this is it.
I sent "any plans later on tonight?" (He still had my other laptop and was using it, and I had a bunch of other stuff there...but part of me wanted him to invite me over and for us to just be normal again)

He replied "decorating the tree with the kids, then sleep, lol" (and here's the thing, this was his last night off for 5 nights...and I work during the day.) So clearly, he did not want to spend time with me. So I replied "Can I come and pick up my stuff?" so he writes back "yep, no problem", then before I got to reply "when?" "when?" "when are you coming?"

Anyways, I went there, and picked up my things, he had everything by the door and couldn't make eye contact whatsoever...I smiled, made a joke about my socks (huge pile of my socks) and left with my head held high... no crying, no stupid behaviour.

Midnight that night he sends the following:
Him "so is this it for us?"
Me "I don't know"
Him "well...that makes two of us"
Me "miss me yet? lol j/k"
Him "lol you drive me crazy you know, lol"
Then I cracked a joke about the lawn chair he gave back to me and texted good-night.

Following day, nothing...following night nothing...(here's where I'm beginning to notice the pattern now)... I thought, okay, what the hell are we, are we done, are we going to do this, what.
So I sent,
"okay, this is it...it's your choice -- think about it and get back to me"
Him,
"wtf?"
I then decided, screw the texting and I called him (first time in a week or more...no answer.
I wrote back "I'm tired of communicating by text and would prefer to speak as adults, what do you want?"
No answer.

I thought, forget this, forget all of it...I am done and I changed my cell number. No more 2am texts, no more calls from him out of the blue. Done.

The next morning I woke up and felt really just angry and sick of being treated like crap. So I sent a final farewell via facebook (prior to blocking him from everything we have.):

It basically said that whenever I send him a message or something, he doesn't respond, yet when I've had enough he sends me random hopeful texts at 2am likely after a few drinks or when he's feeling horny.
I said -- I'm tired of this crap and I deserve better.
and... you take care, have a merry christmas, do us both a favour and never contact me again.

I put up a dating profile to simply get him out of my brain and to talk to new people. Meanwhile, he opened one as well and read my profile twice.

A day later he has a dating profile up that says "seeking confidence and stability".

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March 2010

This guy is a master. He showed up at my home, cried, told me everything I wanted to hear until he got me right back where he wanted me. Then over the course of a week or so he becomes bored...and I'm basically the only one putting in the effort. AGAIN.

For the final freaking time I had a long talk with him that basically said, my child and I deserve better, I need to just be alone and let fate take it's course in my life. After that I hung up the phone.

Yesterday I get a text about returning movies to the store, I was sick of him contacting me, sick of him tossing crumbs out. So I replied "whatever". He calls twice and leaves this long winded message about how he would drive out to pick up the movies to bring back to the store, how that's "fine" that I won't talk to him, how I was the one who hung up on him on Saturday.

Like, ENOUGH.

I replied "returned the movies, paid the late fee" he replies "thank you" by that point I lost my mind and just started laughing at how stupid all of this is, like it's a massive joke at my expense, I replied "This is so dumb that I'm actually laughing right now, anyways, you're welcome."

This morning I woke up feeling sick and wanting yet again to let this go. So I sent this as my closure and I will begin no contact right now.
_________________________________________________________________

The reason I don’t want to talk to you is because it makes it harder to do the right thing when I hear your voice.
The reason I hung up on Saturday is because really, how many times do I need to be rejected by you before I get it.

You’re this shell of a person who won’t let anyone in. It’s like wanting a rock to love me back.
When you said to me, I’m better off, I get it.

I apologize for being childish yesterday. I was annoyed that you were contacting me.

So now for the 50th time, this is it. It is over. I am not going back.

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April 2010
Today is brutal.

Last night I was on a date and we were going to see a movie. Saw my ex's car there, hadn't seen him since the last final break up.

He is toxic for me to be involved in, unready to commit to me, either I'm not his type or my "true colors" scared the crap out of him. (rightfully so) I was jealous and insecure with him.
He never bought me anything special, ever. No birthday gift, valentine's gift, nothing for my child, nada.

My ex has contacted me over the past couple of weeks 'drunk' "I can't stop thinking about you" and "what happened to us?" he sent me a photo of him and "were you at such and such movie store, thought I saw ya there" I never replied to any of the texts. Actually I replied to the "what happened to us?" with "that's a really good question".

Upon seeing the car, I ask my date to skip the movie and let's go have some drinks. I wasn't prepared to run into the ex and his new interest. He does have one, he told me weeks back.

Last night it was my turn for drunken texts....

"out on a date to the movies to get out of my house, saw your car at the show, I suck at moving on, hope you're doing good"

"sorry about the last text, know that I've missed you and that I wish you & your kids nothing but happiness"

Later on at like 5am he gets a drunk email....and not only that, the drunk email filled with typos (the original one didn't get deleted by accident, it was down below in the same email, so he saw the first version and my corrected drunken re-write).
Woke up to my txts and that email in my sent boxes.

Realizing what I had done and completely embarassed I sent a final text at 7am (he'd be at work):

"I'd prefer to forget about last night. Please delete any txts/emails I sent you -- don't even read them. It won't happen again."

He never replied to anything. I kinda felt out of control last night. My new interest is a total sweetheart who is madly in love with me, he'd do anything for me. It's just that my feelings are still attached to the memory of my toxic ex situation.

If anything last night was my rock bottom. I know I can't handle alcohol or the temptation of wanting contact with him. That being said, going forward I must be strong.
No alcohol. No more texting/emailing. I need to move on because I feel like a crazy person.
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May 2010
So he eventually sent a message about 5 days later "been really hard not to reply"... I didn't text back.
3 days after that he called. We chatted, he continued to call that week, claimed he was no longer dating whoever and wouldn't tell me why, said he wouldn't want to know and I shouldn't want to know.

Then he started sending me a couple of txts a day and I thought, what the heck is this? I deserve better. So I told him so, I told him I deserve better and stopped replying.

He calls a few days after that like everything was fine. He starts calling me daily, nightly 'just to say hi' and crap. But whenever I suggest doing something, he has an excuse.

So last night I ask him, 'are you seeing somebody?' He says 'yes I've been dating' I said 'well I don't think you should be calling, how would that person feel that you are dating?' he says 'ok, no problem!' and he's all non-chalant, tells me good luck at my job interview today, yada yada. I got really quiet, hung up the phone.
And I was angry. Who the hell does he think he is? and how did I let it get to this point? I'm fallback girl or something.

He was driving back from this girl's place last night calling me. WTF!!?

I sent him a txt "you make no sense to me." He replies, "Join the club" I reply "everything's a joke to you eh?' he replies "no...." then "maybe if you don't want me calling, we shouldn't be texting either" I reply "oh f*** off" he replies "ok..." I reply "and perhaps f*** off wasn't clear enough. NEVER contact me again."

And there ya have it folks.

I want to punch him in the face or throw something. But really I let it get to this point. These guys who play with our heads and hearts don't deserve us. They are screwed up, insecure and have some pathetic ego to feed.

I was once the girl he was dating and he would text or receive calls and not say who they were from. Now she gets to deal with that crap. Perhaps it won't bother her or she won't care.

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Sept. 2010

I had moved on, spent some time alone and reconnected with an old male friend from college since these last posts. Hadn't seen each other(the old friend) in 15 or so years, he asked me out for dinner and we began spending time together. By the mid-summer we were in a relationship and things were good.

My FB indicated I was in a relationship at this time and there was a photo of us as my main profile pic. My ex was not on my friend's list and I was feeling pretty good in my new situation.

Just as I was feeling good, the ex calls late one night. My phone is beside my bed and without caller i.d. Just assumed it was my boyfriend so I picked it up quickly and made a joke about something we had just talked about. Long story short, the ex slowly began re-entering my life.

And I allowed it to happen. First it was the odd phone call here and there from him, I thought I was ok enough to keep a 'vaguely keep in touch' kind of friendship. The friendship turned into innocently going out for ice cream and rollerblading. And I knew I didn't have the feelings for the new boyfriend as I thought I did, so I let him go.

The ex continued to chase me, calling and texting non-stop. In my gut I felt as though there were other women. And I noticed his dating profile was back up. At this point I should have cut the ties.

But sadly, I thought if I stuck around or kept busy enough with my own life that he'd eventually miss me and we would have the wonderful relationship that I wanted. Ya right! lol
All that took place, again was him telling me "I don't want to scare you off or anything but you could be the one"...he began cooking dinners for my daughter and I, spending more and more time with us and his children. One evening he called me late on the way home from somewhere. He told one story about what he did that night, then another...to me it felt like lies.

Meanwhile his dating profile changed, he publically posted photos of himself and updated the profile, all while calling me and asking how my day was.

Part of me thought he'd eventually close his profile, I asked him about it (before he posted the pics) and he said he hadn't been on it for about a month...(yet it said he was on it daily, and I didn't want to look stalker-ish, so I secretly hoped he'd just close it or would stop checking it.)

The night that he posted the pics was enough. He'll never change, no matter who I am, what I do...I cannot control him or his actions. He's seeking 'long term' yet was biding his time with me and feeding me false lines or signs of hope. To me it felt sickening. I was more mad at myself for letting this go on as long as I had. I was angry with him for taking advantage of a single mother with a daughter who has no father figure.

But again, I allowed it to happen. So the night of the picture posting and the proof I firstly, calmly told him to figure out his sh*t and then get back to me, until then we are only friends. He coldly sighed and agreed. Later I realized what I was doing, torturing myself and dragging it out. So I told him we were finished for good and that I never wanted to see/hear from him again.

He denied being on the site, and I told him off. We haven't spoken since and that was 2 nights ago. It was a toxic situation and I feel good that it's over and I don't have to wonder and worry about what he's doing, I can't change what has happened but I'm still angry at myself.

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So there it is, all of it. It's long and if you made it through the entire thing, thank you, lol. I could have condensed it or told the shortened version, ah well.