Michele115's Story

I had been single for ten years. No dating, no nothing. Single parent. I remember thinking my son's father was a narc maybe six years ago, but the thought passed because I was essentially over him and raising a son as a single parent. School Teacher in Grad School with little time to do anything, much less carry on a relationship. At a certain point, I had become content being single, I had too many distractions. Over time, my schedule and the stress *and it was an insane amount, led to my ending up disabled with Fibromyalgia, Sleep Apnea, possibly CFS amongst other ailments. The combination left me unable to sustain any gainful employment. I remember feeling isolated due to the illness and made a New Year's resolution to be more open to meeting people. Not necessarily men, but people. One day I met HIM....

He was selling cable in my complex had this little table set up. He tried to get a friend of mine to upgrade her plan and being one for details and wary of snake oil, I challenged him to show me where all the "promises" were in writing. He then tried to get me to sign up, but I explained that I was on the company's debt list, and so he shouldn't even waste his time. He asked me some more questions, and offered to return my equipment - which I allowed him to do. I filled out a form and gave him the equipment and he called me later to confirm that it was returned. He made some small talk, and that was about it. The next day, I ran into him again, and we made some more small talk. I wouldn't say he was especially flirting and I think I recall seeing a wedding ring. I had a strict code about married men, because I fear KARMA...(and look at me now...HA). He appeared to be "happily" married, so I did not think that there was any danger in even speaking to him. It was nice to see someone happily married and not acting like a shark. I can't remember how we began talking more, or what led to more intimate conversations. I know that at one point he started to confide in me more, and it appeared that the "happily married" front he put on, was just that...a front and that there were problems in his marriage. NOW...being a woman, when he would describe his wife as this "maniac" who was depriving him of sex...AND I WAS VERY IN TUNE WITH THE FACT THAT THIS IS CLASSIC BULLSHIT...I asked him..."What is she angry about" trying to be a friend. I really had no intention of coming between them, but for me I was getting what I thought was the male perspective, and he seemed motivated to make it work, so I was trying to give him ideas on how to be more "sensitive" to her needs. I knew for me, I would shut down sometimes when deeply hurt, so I was trying to draw from him by listening, some of the things that might have made her react the way she was. I remember wanting to call her to give her a pep talk on how being a single parent wasn't all it was cut out to be *woman to woman - but that was tricky to pull off because he had me convinced she was a raving lunatic and I really began to suspect she may have had a mental illness (look at me now...HA). What made me continue the friendship was that I think I had some of my own issues playing out. My father was shot and killed when I was 11 he was an ex heroin addict; however, by the time I made my way into this "wonderful" world, he had titrated down to a methadone patient with an alcohol addiction. Funny thing is, he was the most loving parent, he was my world although I have come to realize that there was always an abandonment issue with me, not ONLY because he was shot, but because I knew he was killing himself slowly. I wished that he loved me enough to stop...that lovely set up...along with a mother who is either a Narcissist, BI-polar or some other mentally fucked up shit never really gave me a shot in hell. I am surprised I am alive today, that I haven't turned to drugs, and while I have issues, am somewhat sane??? At 42 my entire world has collapsed. Sorry for the segueway, but it is important to my story because I think the relationship with my narc was on some level subconsciously pursued because it was a "rescue" opportunity to be liked, to be accepted and to overcome. He was an Aries like my mother and an ex (crack) addict like my father - he alleged he has 18 years clean. His behaviors however, resemble those of what I've read to be "dry drunks" in that he's not picking up the pipe but he is self centered and it's ....All about him. I remember when he first confessed he was an ex addict. He said that his wife was refusing to allow him to attend meetings. That she would take the plates off his car. He told me all kinds of crazy things she was doing, and I began to believe HE WAS A DOMESTIC VIOLENCE VICTIM...(but look at me now...HA). There were a couple of fights at night where she would throw him out. I would not let him come to my home at the wee hours of the evening because I feared that as my attraction was beginning to increase, or my interest, or my concern, that it would be a temptation and not wise. I would meet him at a diner for coffee and let him talk and try to counsel him, but I still held my ground that an affair was out of the question, but he had to make some decisions not for Me or us, but for himself and more importantly his son. His sister gave him a set of keys to her place during one such episode. Cops were called on a few occasions...he never got arrested. I remember at one point telling him that he was in an insane situation (they had allegedly tried counseling...TWO SESSIONS TOPS!!!)another suggestion of mine no less, and I remember telling him he should go to his sister's house, give his wife all phone numbers, all contact information, everything - assure her he was still her husband, and any emergency he would be there, he would still support the home but that they were living in insanity and needed some space. I also told him that during that time, he shouldn't think about coming anywhere near me that it should be time to THINK and that I'm not interested in being a homewrecker, that I thought he was a nice guy, but a married guy and that I could certainly find someone if I felt I wanted to be with someone but that he should really look to work on his marriage because raising a son alone is not the best thing but they needed to work things through or come to a decision. I told him about a similar experience I had, where I noticed once the separation took place, I had time to think and things became clearer and that maybe although things did not work out for me, I noticed I finally came back to sanity. Unfortunately for me, it was too late, but trying to put myself in HER shoes, I thought that maybe it might help wake HER up *keep in mind, he has me convinced she's a nut job acting "irrationally". I should have separated myself, but on a certain level, I still wasn't "hooked" I was more concerned for him as a friend and was very worried because he said he was starting to think about using, he was stressed...yada yada yada and so I tried to find meeting places for him and told him that instead of yapping to me, he should make a meeting. Slowly, he started making meetings on Sundays. And something is coming clear to me I will share on the other board...He would call me sometimes from the meetings just to say hello. One night he called me and told me yet again plates had been taken off the car. This is about eight months after we met. I had had enough because I had counseled as much as I could and no amount of advice, or suggestions were taken, and it became draining because I would worry about him. I told him he was addicted to Drama in a text message and decided not to speak with him the next day. Coincidentally enough, the WIFE filed a false police report on me and said I threatened to kill her over the phone. I never had his phone number at home, AND, she was working at the time the alleged call took place. That of course found me breaking my NC with him, I called him up and told him if he wanted to live in insanity that was fine, but that I had a detective call me who in so many words said he'd be willing to arrest me. I had a tape where the wife had called my home a few times cursing me out. He made it here, we went to the police station, he told them that I did not have the number and that his wife was working at the time the call allegedly took place and that in fact HE was home with their child. I never heard anything from the cops or her again but that was the first night he slept over ON MY COUCH and it was the last time he would return home. NOW allegedly, she had served him with divorce papers about two months prior to this incident. He had no clothing, she held it hostage and so we bought him a few things to keep him looking presentable. Eventually he moved from my couch to the bedroom. The rest you can imagine. We started living together. No real problems, we seemed to communicate well, of course, this horrible divorce from this crazy woman (look at me now...HA) took its toll along with a high amount of child support, a crappy lawyer that allegedly allowed him to agree to an amount he clearly could not afford to pay, nightmares abound for my little narc who I so much wanted to protect and loved dearly because he really was a victim of circumstance, a loveable soul who with enough time to get over the disaster known as his marriage would rebound and be good as new...(look at me now...HA). I had the fairytale in my mind. I can admit that. I really, really believed him. It was like we had this connection I really really was in love with him and really tried my best to be the best I could be, not for him, but for me because I thought he was the ONE. "Misunderstood and unappreciated" by his wife. I saw the "GREAT POTENTIAL"...Dear God help me. So we live our lives, in chaos, me trying to keep him from danger, hypervigilent at all times of any looming disasters as a result of his procratination...I played the part of happy homemaker, the answer to all his desires there was nothing I wouldn't do for him if I could because that is what love is all about right?...and slowly I began to resent because I started to see, that when I needed, something for him was more pressing. I started to notice that his other two children wanted nothing to do with him, I noticed that he was always just on the cusp of some great success, that "One day..." and I bought into it hook line and sinker. Last August, we all went on vacation...my mother, the narc and my son. I won't get into great detail, I will just say that my mother had a fit on that trip that somehow made something click in me. It was so ugly, so vile. She was removed from my friends house by police. I had the narc drive her four hours home and sat there catatonic at my friends house and drank a whole bottle of wine. I sank into a depression like no other. I remember being very angry, and lethargic, my Fibro kicked in more than usual, and I just could not get myself out of the fog. I resented that he chose to go to a club after that incident as opposed to staying in a hotel that night while I was three hours away in such a state. He never understood. The mood didn't leave, I was up and down, but thats where the trouble began. I remember him getting angry and demanding I snap out of it, but I also felt on some level, I could not open up to him. There were times where I felt he would shut me down whenever I tried to talk, so I became somewhat trained not to bring up things that bothered me so I would stuff it and the resentment would grow. He worked these long hours and would not come home until 9:30 and he'd want dinner served...sometimes I didn't feel well, I'd get tylenol and a cup of tea maybe, but I always felt like I still had to be responsible either way...and I voiced that to him, that somehow when I'm sick, I still have to pay, I can't just relax and lean on someone else that I always had to be "on"...there seemed to be a resistance to understanding or accepting my illness...I always felt like he saw me as lazy. There were alot of issues, but I did not recognize all I recognize now. The pivotal moment came when I discovered he was having an emotional affair with a woman in Lancaster, PA on FB. I was so enraged I told him come home and get just enough things to hold him over because he was OUT. I feared he might start to try to argue so I threatened him and said, "And don't even think you are gonna come here and start bellowing because I swear to God right now I could rip off your head and shit down your neck and if you DARE to start screaming, I will slam my face into the fucking wall, call the cops and tell them YOU did it!!!!" He came here meek as a mouse got some things and left. I spent some days ranting and raving at him over the phone. Not once did he say sorry, not once did he try to explain, not once did he show any remorse, not once did he say a damn thing. I see now what he is...but the dysfunction, I don't know, somehow, I began to assume blame, saying "WE" messed up, then he started blaming me for why he cheated, "She made me feel good"...I found a log of calls where she was supposed to come to town to connect for another bus...he was calling her like every twenty minutes obsessionally. It hurt. Here he was chasing her, and he had nothing to say to me, and this was a woman he knew VIRTUALLY???WTF...! Of course, insane behavior cannot be understood, so of course, I was drivin to try to understand it...? I began chasing him, trying to change, trying to jump though hoops trying to get the feeling back. He did appear to be trying, he got an apartment but would come here every night, except for the nights when I would have a mood swing and the memory would surface and I would bitch him out. It was a crazy wild ride. I thought I was going insane. I so much wanted an explanation and a true apology and I was banging my head against the wall. The final blow out was when I checked his phone and found a message from him to an openly gay guy which read: "I guess I must read between the lines and realize we are offically divorced. Sorry for any grief or confusion I've caused you but it is easier to jet than to stick and stay for whatever reason. I am on a different journey my friend."...HUH???...A little background, this guy "spoke" at his 18th year anniversary at NA. They claimed to have met at a storage facility and my narc saw him wearing an NA keychain and struck up a conversation. I had heard this guys name before but I had never met him. The gay guy made a comment on the way home that people would ask how they met, and he said "From the minute i saw *NARC I knew he was gonna be the father of my children. I just kinda laughed, but I thought nothing of it because Narc's sexuality preference was the furthest thing from my mind. But after the text message...I called the Narc and asked him what was the text about and he said "Don't go there" I asked what do you mean don't go there, he kinda laughed. Then he got very defensive. I held his phone hostage, and went to a friend's house but he found me around 1am and flew into a rage I had never seen him look crazy before. I gave him the phone and that was the last I saw of him...JULY 21. On August 4 I decided to leave town, and flirted with the idea of moving. Before I left I called him and told him my plans and that I wanted to know whether or not he thought there would be any chance of us working it out because I was at a crossroad and I wasn't sure what I would decide when I was on my trip, but this was a last ditch effort. He said he wanted to work things out so we spoke while I was away. One night he told me he was out dancing. I tried to call him and got voice mail. I tried a few times and still got voicemail. I of course grew insecure because of the cheating (I am somewhat still in denial about the gay thing because it is so hard to imagine) the next day he tried to call and he couldn't reach me because I did not have signal. He claimed he tried to call me at one of the numbers and the person said No Michele lives here and hung up on him. In hindsight, it may have been my nephews stepson who did not meet me so obviously would not know my name. I called him back eventually and he was peturbed, but I really did not process what might have been the cause - he seemed suspicious. I tried to call him back and of course...voicemail of which I left a few rants accusing him of cheating. he did not answer his phone until 5am and I asked what the fuck was going on??? He claimed to have fell asleep which might have been the case, but I called so much I had blocked his voicemail from receiving messages and at five a.m. it was clear, so I said, well you could have at least sent a text and he said "I'm not you!!". A few more days of ranting on my end pursued. he said he didn't want to be with anyone who didn't trust him...about ten days went by, I called again, I asked him if he loved me, he said he cared for me but he didn't love me and that is pretty much the long and the short of it. I think he's a narc because I never felt any real empathy from him when I was sick, there was no real remorse when he cheated, even IF he decided I wasn't the one, we spent four years together and I had his back like white on rice and I was LOYAL. I remember him saying things like, "My friends NA mind you...think I'm crazy to be with you" and he would talk about this empty void. He would scream sometime..."I'm Empty inside, don't you get it, you're gonna fill me?" And something about "You love the pain, don't you"...prior to the situation in May, I saw insensitivity, but not wounding...on some level, he changed and became somewhat sadistic and somehow, I just could not detach myself. I've never been though a wound like this, and I am really looking forward to learning more about myself, growing, getting my self esteem back and correcting those things about myself that lead me into relationships that are not healthy. Thanks for your support. More things may come to mind, but I've tried to give the thumbnail sketch...still not sure what I'm dealing with...an addict...a narc...bipolar...all three? I have read though that alot of narcs are addicts AND that NA is somewhat of a cult. Don't know how reputable, but I've had my own feelings about his "friends" from NA...the ONLY friends he has by the way, the concept of peer support from people with similar demons. AND, some of my feelings were somewhat expressed on a site called THE ORANGE PAPERS...anyone else who has similar experiences with drug addicts who "recovered" I'd be interested in talking more with. I need to understand - not for him but for me.