I'm leaving..he knows it..i keep hearing of D and D...did it just happen? help

I'm leaving..he knows it..i keep hearing of D and D...did it just happen? help
Posted September 16, 2010 - 11:02pm
0

Clue me in, I know what DnD means but I haven't seen it yet in my marriage. I think I just did! I'm Timmyboy and ikm leaving him Oct 27th. He knows this but we live together. He has been trying to keep me a supply but I've resisted and almost hate him! Well, tonight he made an attempt to talk. I simply said "you have deep issues and it is not exceptable". I was clear and to the point. He wants me to cry and yes I do to my friends but never to him. Well his response to my strenghth was D and D! I think it finally happened. Idk? Someone tell me? Here's what he said to me: "you are complaining about things that you know nothing about. I lost my job cuz the boss wants me to work on my marriage and I want to but no matter what I do you have a problem. You look for fault in me. I know I'm a good man and I will have no problem finding someone who will respect that and who I can respect!". As he left I said " you find me this girl and I will have a chat w her about her own self worth". Was I just D and D?

‹ If you want to revisit the great feelings of elation you had with your NARC... Cancer? ›
better off's picture

Backwards Speak

September 17, 2010 - 10:31am — better off

No, that's called blaming you for all his stupidity and mental problems.

Everything they say is backwards, which is why you should not LISTEN to anything they say. This is a narc's backwards speak. Or just narc speak. Let me translate it for you:

"you are complaining about things that you know EVERYTHING about. (Dammit, you have finally figured me out!!) I lost my job cuz my boss thinks I am an idiot, and I don't want to work on my marriage, but no matter what you do, I have a problem with you. I look for fault in you. I know I'm a not a good man and I will have a huge problem finding someone who will respect that, (well it will be easy at first when I lie to them about what a victim I am, but eventually they will figure me out too, and then I will have to blame them just like this) and who I can never respect because respect is not in my particular skill set!. So I am really pissed off that I have to start all over again fooling some new person."

As for D&D, that refers to Devalue and Discard. Your husband devalued you a long time ago. D&D is meant to refer to going from the idealized position to being pushed off the pedestal they put you on and devalued. Discard can mean emotionally, so you can still be married but discarded as their romantic partner, but not physically discarded because they are using you for all sorts of other things, as a caretaker and/or cover for their other behavior. Or you can be utterly discarded, as in when they break up with you and leave you. Or they go back and forth, and sometimes the suck you back in for a bit and then discard you again. Once the initial discard happens there is never any going back to the way it was, because the way it was was never real in the first place.

imabloke's picture

Better off..

September 19, 2010 - 4:09am — imabloke

DD well described.. thanks.
Down is up, up is down with them... they just can't look inside themselves because they don't FEEL empathy... there is difference in showing empathy or to sympathise with someone etc. But being unable to actual FEEL it, is what makes them so emotionally dysfunctional.. they can't put themselves in the other persons shoes. On the other hand i think that I feel empathy too much... something i've learnt about myself recently.

And the yo yoing ie: back and forth - is called 'curtain calls'
being CC'd. Watch out for it because it happens to all of us!

wholeagain's picture

Yep

September 17, 2010 - 10:48am — wholeagain

This about covers it.

Better Off thanks for the def. of D & D. Had a lightbulb moment reading that, I was the one who left the marriage so I'd had it in my head that there was no classic D & D for me...but now I realize that the D & D process was going on all along, right alongside being put on the pedestal. For some issues it was one, for others the other, depending on what the ex himself needed to feel good and preserve his ego. That shift in perspective helps.

:)

better off's picture

Also, you are correct in

September 17, 2010 - 10:35am — better off

Also, you are correct in assuming that now he knows you are going to leave HIM, he has to pretend that he is leaving you. You know, "you can't fire me because I quit!" That sort of thing.

loveofmylife has some rather hilarious (not to her of course) stories about her narc initiating business deals and when she said "maybe" (not even No!) he immediately emailed her telling her how unreliable she is, and that in good conscience he couldn't bring her into his company, and how he could never do business with her because she's untrustworthy. Except that five minutes before he was begging to do business with her. They are like four year olds. "Then you're not my friend!!!" ;P

hopefuljms's picture

I am not sure what it is

September 17, 2010 - 9:52am — hopefuljms

I am not sure what it is because I don't know your whole story. It is very possible though that it is. They are known for projecting their issues on others. Fill us in a little more about your past experiences and that should make things clearer.

blueeyes's picture

D&D- Betteroff and hopefuljms

September 17, 2010 - 3:06pm — blueeyes

Ok, quick run down. Better off is right! I was D&D a long time ago. I didnt know tho until I read it. I was waiting for it and it didn't happen. I met a man fell in love. I was a single mom who fought a 3 year battle w a crazy ex for custody. I was rising above when I met my Narc, huh, NO FAIR. He pretended to be more than he was. Next thing you know I am married, he doesn't work and we are bankrupt. My daughters 13 and 15 LOVE him and we have a new son 3months. He flips out screams calls me names when I tell him the truth. Then he starts getting arrested! I am tired! So I found you all!