Querida's story

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#1 Sep 11 - 12PM
querida
querida's picture

Querida's story

Hello all,

I have been reading on this site for about 6 months, occasionally posting for about 3? I have wanted to post my story, to purge it from me so I can feel more free, but I just haven't felt like I could. But I am going to do it now, to get this out.

I have known my soon to be ex NH since I was a kid, but only casually. He was someone I would run into every couple of years and say hello to. We ran into each other again in 2006 and there was a spark there. He had so many qualities I admired, and we had many things in common, especially our faith.

NH and I enjoyed dating for several years, we did everything together and were great friends. I desired a relationship with a Christian man, someone who wanted to honor God as they went thru life. NH fit the bill... regularly at church, active in different programs, taught bible classes, just the little golden boy of his church! Everyone thought he was such a good guy, and from such a great family.

What they didn't know was that his family had well-hidden issues. A father who could be physically intimidating. A mother who was distant emotionally, even when her child was gravelly ill. NH craved their love and approval, but more than anything, he mourned the fact that his mother could barely give him a hug - she just doesn't know how to be an affectionate mother.

NH said he was aware of how this hurt him, that he wished his mother would hug and kiss him, but that he knew she showed him love in other ways like buying things and supporting his education. I felt bad for him, my family is nothing like this. As we dated, I sometimes gave her an opportunity to give him a hug. I would jokingly tell her to hug him, knowing she wanted to but had no idea how to do it. {RED FLAG}

We were headed toward engagement, and I got a call one day. A woman called and said she had been involved with NH for a year, had occasion to read his emails, and discovered he was dating me too. OW said she had proof of their relationship... notes and phone bills and clothes. She sent me scanned copies of all the papers. So I confronted NH with the info, he denied it all, saying he used to be involved with her, but had only been platonic friends with her since he had been involved with me. He casually blamed my job, saying that since I don't have a deskjob where I can take calls anytime, he would call her "just to talk" during the workday. He admitted he had given her the notes I saw, but that they were his attempt to kindly remind OW that he was no longer in a relationship with her, they were only friends. He blamed her jealousy on the call -- he was innocent of any wrong doing, other than having a phone buddy that I knew NOTHING of.

I sat with all this information for a while, I thought about what it meant, wondered what was true. Was I being played by a jealous ex? Was my then-boyfriend cheating on me thru our whole relationship? He had never given me a reason to doubt his faithfulness, until now. It threw me for a loop in a BIG way. In hindsight, I was uncomfortable with everything that was presented to me, but in the end.... I decided he had my trust, and that I believed what he said. {RED FLAG}

Fast forward to blissful engagement and 2 weeks before marriage. I drove to his house...err I mean, his parents' home that he still lived in! We met to drive to church, where he mentioned his car was kind of dirty, but we would take his to church. I walked up to the door and saw the food wrappers etc on the passenger seat. I said, "Ohh I see what you mean." He was furious in an instant, saying "what does that mean?" It meant I agreed, his car was dirty! I offered to drive mine, he refused and angrily drove to church without saying a word to me. I was surprised, but brushed it off as him being in a bad mood. After all, had I done anything wrong? Maybe it was nerves for the wedding. {RED FLAG}

The wedding day was beautiful, and I was nervous but happy. I remember kissing NH at the altar, in front of all our families and friends. He gave a small kiss, like he was shy, and I gave him a second one and smiled! We walked down the aisle, hand in hand, but he was busy greeting people in the pews as we walked... slowing down to say hi to people. I remember thinking, "ok I only get to do this once, are you going to look at me?" It was not a good feeling to have been married 10 seconds, and already note a degree of distance between him and I. This was our wedding day!!! ALL ABOUT US!!

We went to the reception, and we began our first dance. You know... that moment where you and your man are looking each other in the eye and swaying to the music. Well, NH was again looking around the room at all the people, and I said "hello" to him to get his attention turned back to me, DURING OUR FIRST DANCE. He smiled and played the loving husband role, but just didn't seem completely engaged. I felt cheated of that special moment, but I figured hey I can't get everything I want.

Our first couple of months of marriage were nice, but after a few months we started having odd arguments. OUT OF NOWHERE, he would make this declaration of something I did that hurt him. I literally was sitting on the sofa, watching TV in silence, when he announced that I was a liar. HUH??? No context, just blurt it out. I asked him what he was talking about, he referenced something I had shared a week prior, and that since I had never told him about before then, I was a liar! That began a 6 month painful attack on my character, where I was constantly being reminded that I was a liar, selfish, too prideful, don't respect him, hid who I was prior to marriage, etc etc etc etc. At first, I could speak up and challenge these LIES, and he would back off like he never said them. Then he would pop it back in a week later with another twist. Then it was 4 days, then 2 days. I began to hold my words all the time, for fear I was going to say something wrong that would add to his list of all the 'awful' things I had done.

I realized he was creating this crazy scorecard of my mistakes. I might apologize, trying to understand how I had hurt him, try to change my behavior. BUt it didn't matter because the next move was just as WRONG to him. I would ask if he forgave me, he would say yes. So then, why were we still talking in October about something I had done in March??? Ahh, cuz it was a 'trend' and 'evidence' of how flawed my character was. He was building his own little case for how to get out of the marriage.

The first time he hit something was during a silly argument, where he hit the doorframe, sending drops of blood over the room. An hour later, he was ready for us to go out to a bar, while I still sat in shock, wondering if I needed to leave my house. During the course of another silly argument, he got so mad he threw his computer on the sofa and slammed himself into the bedroom. I went to the bedroom, hoping to calm him down. Instead, he raged harder because I didn't give him space. He tried to toss the mattress, he told me to get out, said he was packing his bags and leaving, then punched the fridge so that he broke the handle into pieces. He screamed in my face to leave him alone. This time, I grabbed my bag and ran to a friend. He realized I left, tried to turn sweet and say we could now calmly talk, but I was NOT GOING BACK in there.

Because I ran to a friend and confided in her, he now announced that I must be gay since I sharing intimate details with my female friend. And perhaps I should just go be with her? This destroyed me again, and had me afraid to talk to my friends and family for fear of him now saying I am disloyal.

After this, I insisted on counseling and would not entertain his crazy accusations of me. I would just say "nope I am not talking about this with you without a 3rd party present." He was sleeping on the sofa and staying out later and later. He started saying things to upset me in public places, where he knew I wouldn't want to cry or talk back. I had a panic attack in one argument, and he tried to take me to the hospital, thinking I was crazy and needed to be committed. He would wind me up to this breaking point of sobbing, having these AWFUL 4 hour conversations of talking in circles. But the end of them was him saying I wouldn't let him help me, that I needed medical help, I was crazy, if I weren't in need of being committed then I would be able to just make all these 'simple' changes he wanted.

Counseling didn't work, the counselor decided to see us separately and told me HE didn't understand NH. In hindsight, the counselor was not well versed in personality disorders, but he tried very hard to create some reason in NH. It didn't work. As a Christian, I was not going to just leave my husband, even though I was realizing he was verbally and emotionally abusive, and that my life was becoming a nightmare. I prayed constantly, I read my bible for a sliver of peace in my heart. I wasn't going to give up him, I prayed for a miracle to change his heart, to bring back the man I fell in love with.

NH left the house after screaming at me over some supposed offense of mine, staying at his parents' house (I think...). He came home the next day at 10pm, saying he couldn't be with me and to agree to a divorce. Not only did I not want a divorce because I loved him and was going to honor the vows I made before God, but because if I agreed to it, I knew I would hear about that fact for the rest of my life! So I said, I cannot give you what you want, do what you have to do. NH left the house, and I could finally breathe for a few days... before the intense grief and PTSD and anxiety set in.

I was a terrible mess, I did anything NH asked to try to make it work. Something in me had snapped when he left... I lost my bit of boundaries and strength and began to think, "I MUST BE AN AWFUL PERSON, OR HE WOULDN'T HAVE LEFT." I begna to believe all the lies he told about me. He insisted we spend Christmas Day together, ALONE, to see if God wanted us to be a family. It was so lonely, and I know my parents were afraid of what was happening. He insisted I not go to church for New Years Eve, because people would wonder where he was. Church was my only solace, and now he was taking that away! He insisted I come home in the middle of the workday just to see him. Then NH would leave again and go to Mom and Dad. He insisted I meet him for sex, I relented out of a desire to reconcile. He couldn't get an erection (not a new thing!) and said that was a sign from God that we weren't compatible, then he left.

NH wanted me to call daily and "prove that (I) really want to reconcile" by doing whatever he asked. But he didn't have to even tell me where his new apartment was. AND he refused to do any counseling, but I was to find a psychologist asap to "get the help (I) need."

Eventually, I began therapy and learned what NH is. I am 5 months NC and in the middle of the divorce process. I see the red flags I missed, but I try not to beat myself up for the blatant mistakes I made with this man. I gave him all of me, and while I want NOTHING to do with him, the memories just go thru my head daily. Like I am watching a movie, the script rolls and I revisit all these conversations and incidents again. It is slowly getting better, but I have dark days of depression and grief. I need alot more alone-time than before, and I am naturally an introvert! Not a great way to break out of depression lol. I feel anxiety when I see people who don't know we are in the middle of divorce, having to tell them is awkward. But I force myself to not live like I did something wrong. I am trying to make new friends and do fun things, but some days it is a struggle.
I try to just honor how I feel each day, even if it is a alone day of taking a walk and watching a movie. Freedom and the ability to breathe are GREAT, and they are worth the price of some dark days.

I thank God for His unconditional love, and His forgiveness. If I wasn't 100% sure that God forgave me for my mistakes, where would I be? Probably not here to write this story. Thanks for this forum, I appreciate you all - you have helped me on my healing journey!
I

Sep 12 - 6AM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Psychological Abuse

Wow! Your story is a classic psychological abuse. This man brainwashed you so throughly. And, he became God--your total submission to N's higher will was required. About the memories going through your head . . . that happened to me in the first year I left him. I think it is somehow related to the realization of what happened. Then all the pieces start falling into place. I am 1 year & 4 months out, divorced, NC -- & still I have flashbacks sometimes. I am still connecting the dots. But, it does get better with NC. Once the divorce was final & there is no further cause for contact, then my recovery started to speed up. When the N has no point to exert control over you, to threaten you, to bully you, I think he may just vanish--mine did. The story of your wedding was chilling. I suppose, in hindsight, I see now too that our wedding was all about him. And, my N started to abuse me right after we married. We had not lived together before marriage. I think the living together was the trigger. Mine was a lot like yours. My omissions & commissions caused him such pain! The endless circular conversations, tantrums, & rages . . . over nothing. Mine damaged stuff too, but not to the extent of your N. However, they never consider the pain these actions cause us. No. It's all about him. I believe that I left before he could start physical abuse of me. Anybody who breaks things is moving up to hitting the woman. Mine graduated to throwing objects at me & pushing/blocking me. Getting closer by spitting on me. Had I stayed, I have no doubt he would have become a physical abuser. You did right to leave. God does not want his creatures abused. There is a force of evil. These men represent evil. And they infiltrate & use the means to good (such as your church) to control & manipulate. Rather like that serpent in Genesis. And these men, they rob one of innocence.
Sep 12 - 1PM (Reply to #3)
querida
querida's picture

agnes

yes, he was hitting objects and it was slowly getting bigger and bigger... blocking me from leaving, forcefully stopping me from hugging him. And as I got stronger I was able to admit that I was starting to wonder "when is going to start hitting me?" It seemed like a matter of time, from hitting objects and getting in my face to eventually hitting me. I am grateful it didn't get that far. It took me a good while to even say out loud that the situation was Abuse, I would use other words just to not admit it to myself. I do agree with what you said about NH thinking he is a god-figure... all of the sudden he went from agreeing this marriage was a partnership, to compromise = me bending to his will. That was part of what kept my sanity before he left... knowing that I don't worship NH!! Even though that is what he wanted. I said I need alone time, but I need ALOT of alone time. When I am with family, I know I am safe and all, but I just don't feel like talking. I have low tolerance for arrogant or selfish behavior, cuz it reminds me of NH... and I can see some in my immediate family. I force myself to remember that they have never been abusive to me, just selfish sometimes. But I wonder if that is keeping me from begin able to talk freely sometimes. I did therapy for 8 months, and I am taking a break from it now, so I will do some personal work.
Sep 11 - 1PM
wholeagain
wholeagain's picture

Querida

I'm so sorry you went through this, but am glad that you walked away as soon as you did. Clearly you tried as hard as you could. I'm not a religious person myself but I don't think there's anything in the bible that says you should stay in an abusive marriage is there? Your need for time alone is understandable and normal, though it's good that you're balancing that with getting out a bit. You sound very grounded and on your way to better days. I agree that being able to breathe is not something I take for granted anymore! I'm glad you're here. xoxo