Funny, i was just reading that one and was going to reply before i got the phone call that kind of screwed up my day (but i won't let it, in fact im more pissed than hurt)

Yes, I flipfloped back and forth between wondering if my narc was truly a narc, or just someone who needed some understanding.

Finally realizing he is the highest form of the former, I blamed myself a bit for not seeing the signs, but then realized that he intended to blind me to them by BINDING me to HIMSELF with his bait. I remember that i once told him (probably about 2 mos ago) that when we met on the other side I would probably thank him for teaching me important things i needed to know. (AT that time i was only referring to the cheating i figured out, but he never admitted to). He just smiled when i said that.

After finding out more, and worse depraved things he has done, I still believe 100% that this experience was for a reason to teach me what i did not learn from the lesser malignant narcs i had always dated.

In my stronger moments (which are becoming more frequent thankfully) i have to say i have never loved myself more or looked at myself with more compassion than i do now. In my weaker moments, it still stuns me that I devoted myself too him, and it turned out to mean NOTHING to him.

But, I did get great things out of this "cannot relate-tionship", and that is A great DOG. A strong determination to know myself and love myself, like the self confident woman i appear to most others, yet have never fully been confident in, AND the releasing of guilt i have always taken on for the sins of others (by this i mean the men (narcs) i have loved in my life).

It also makes me feel connected to help others with any wisdom i have gained. I still love him - as a fellow human being - and I am sincere when i say I don't wish to trash him, he does that himself every day, and the price paid is an awesome self hate that probably could supercede any bad or negative feeling i've ever had about myself. L

Why? Why would God allow this to happen to me twice. Today the answer was revealed. I thought God must be punishing me. What I really think he was doing was providing an answer. You see I never got over my relationship with N that I had as a young college girl. I never understood what I had done wrong. I loved him so much. Its like I took everything from that relationship and put it in a storage room and never looked back. I went on to marry a wonderful guy but I never truly forgot the N and from time to time but not that often would think of him and how much I had loved him. You could say it haunted me. What had I done wrong?

So 15 years later.. I believe he was put back into my life so that I could get an answer and have some closure. His behavior would bring me to this site so I could finally know It wasnt me. I had done nothing wrong.