What a difference a year makes! It has been one year today since the final D&D, but I had been emotionally detaching for some time before that. I think we were both unhappy (him with lessening supply and me with lack of intimacy and commitment) but both of us ambivalent about leaving for lack of anything better to do. Then, luckily for me he found someone who was better supply and he left for good. Almost immediately I felt this huge weight lift off my shoulders and my mind was clear of his crap. My PTSD symptoms disappeared very quickly (I had frequent heartburn and a tremor in my left hand) and I don’t know for sure, but I would guess my blood pressure was lower too.

But he was also still on my mind A LOT! I don’t know if I went an hour without him seeping into my thoughts. But not one of those thoughts was positive. I honestly couldn’t remember a positive thought without a negative to go with it. Like the time he told me we were going out for my birthday (positive), but wouldn’t tell me how I should dress, so I wore black jeans, and a sparkly sweater, when I should have been in a cocktail dress, so I felt kind of out of place all night (negative).

I have compiled 2 lists of things going on between 2009 and 2010. In 2009 I was still with him, and 2010 I am free of him. See the difference.

2009 – with him

He was talking to his ex in another state.

I found condoms in his bathroom that he denied were his. The “condom incident” was the real beginning of the end.

I was obsessed with thinking about where he was, what he was doing, why he wasn’t calling, who he was with, what he thought of me, if he thought of me etc.

We never spent the night together anymore and we had sex maybe 3 times in 8 months.

When we were together, we were more like platonic friends or siblings than lovers.

Everything was done on his schedule, and I was expected to jump at any time. And I did for a long time lest I disappoint him and make him disappear again.

I was reading books about commitmentphobes, narcissists, and everything about why a man couldn’t commit.

I started saying “no” more often which probably led to the other things I’ve listed here.

When I said “no” or didn’t conform properly, I was ignored.

I was going crazy wanting to see his phone, following him, read emails, etc. I never did, but I was driving myself crazy with doubt of where he was or who he was with.

2010 – without him

I am going out with friends, new and old, and not having to worry (much) about saying or doing the wrong thing.

I can sit at home on a Friday or Saturday night and relish that I am not wasting my time or possibly spending money on another useless date where I won’t even get lucky.

I have so much free time to think about me, or my kids, and deal with issues that we have come up (which isn’t often) because I’m not obsessing over him and his issues.

I stopped obsessing over checking my phone and email for a message indicating that I might have crossed his mind.

I can say “no” to someone without a great fear of any repercussions.

I am planning on moving to another state and have that plan in motion now.

I now listen to music I like and watch movies and TV shows I like.

I have a better relationship with my kids since they are first priority now.

My kids see me as strong for not being in a relationship where I am being treated like crap, which also helps teach them that they deserve to be respected and treated well in relationships. Also, on the flip side, they are seeing that if you treat someone you care about like crap, you will lose them.

I don't think about N as often anymore, and when I heard he was getting married I was okay about that (except for his victim, feel sorry for her) it really didn't upset me much at all. I may not be getting out of the house as often, and I may not have someone around all the time, but really, when did I when I was with him? I saw him on his schedule, and when we were together I was still really alone. Now I have no expectations and I am not let down. I do what I want when I want. I now have total freedom. I'm pretty much back!!