ACgirl, I am so sorry for you. The EXACT same thing happened to me three weeks ago!!! He actually drove three hours to see me (first time ever). He made all of this effort. I really thought we had a great time, he talked like we might have a future if we could figure out the long distance thing.

I texted to make sure he got home okay and told him that I was sad and missed him already. THEN NOTHING!!! This was after he was begging to see me. My mind was just spinning. Did I do or say something wrong? Did I not look cute enough for him? Was I not good in bed? He is always very critical and will practically give me a lecture on how I am not acting into it because I'm not screaming my head off while we are doing it. Sorry to be graphic but this is a part of how he is.

Hon, we must now do everything we can to get rid of the hope that we have had for them for so long. We deserve so much better!!! We deserve to be happy. You are worth so much more than this. I am praying for strength and happyness for you. xxA

It's not really about HIM anymore. It's about you, now.

How you go back to him to "see" if it is really as bad as it is, your desperate loneliness that is so bad you let him back in your life in spite of what he ALWAYS does :(

He's not doing that to you, honey. You are doing that to yourself.

I wonder what you must be "thinking", way down deep in there, to guide you into putting yourself in such pain again and again?

Is it that you fear there will be no one else? That this is as good as it gets for you?

You wouldn't be alone, that's for sure. But it's just not true. You aren't an unusual person, you don't have a uniquely awful personality LOL or pathetic life.

But sometimes we think we do, and we don't know these deep beliefs are driving us to put ourselves in harm's way over and over and over again.

Getting down to those beliefs, and seeing that they are not true, and exchanging them with more realistic and true beliefs is the key.

You can, and will have love in your life. You are a normal, valuable woman who deserves real friendship and devotion. You don't deserve THIS.

Your hunger for love is more a fear you won't get love (at least it was for me). It's fear driven, not love driven. When it's fear driven, you clamp onto the smallest hint, a kind word, a promise. And then you go for the ride :( and get all banged up, again and again and again.

You know this man dumps you, disappears, insults you and treats you like shit. He always has. He also says those magic words that you yearn to hear.

It is up to YOU now to wake up and see that you are allowing yourself to be beaten up over and over again. You have stuff driving you from the inside that puts you in harms way over and over again.

And you can CHANGE this. That's the hope. WE all have to do this, every single one of us, not just you. IT's part of EVERYONE'S recovery from a Narc relationship.

It's about growing up, it's about getting "real", and digging out all those unrealistic, untrue beliefs we have about ourselves. It takes therapy and LOTS of support :) I absolutely believe you can do this. You are one of us :)

You are NOT a fool! You are a good caring true woman who has a huge heart. You love with all of yourself. He doesn't. He set you up. And even tho we should and do know better we still fall for it. Because we are not on their level. We can't wrap that around our brain as to how someone could be like this! I'm thankful I can't. I guess I've learned I don't want to understand him.
We have all been where you are. We all have had that hope. Because we truly loved them.We've all fallen. But then we cry and get pissed and one day we tell ourselves I'M DONE! HE WILL NEVER TREAT ME LIKE THIS AGAIN! We don't need their validation or approval. It's a lie anyway.
You are beautiful and successful. He doesn't deserve you honey! Let the bimbos have him. He chooses them because it makes him feel like he's worth something. He doesn't even realize what a jackass he looks like. Or how people are laughing behind his back because he threw away someone like you!
I agree with whoever said give his daughter a gift on your own from you. He doesn't have to know anything about it. Hell it'll probably piss him off when he does find out. And really if you went to the wedding with him he would make it a miserable nite for you anyway.
We are here for you. You will get thru this. I promise. There was a time when I didn't think I would ever be able to live without him. I now know after what he did to me when he was living with me I want nothing to do with him. I reached my breaking point of NO MORE! And you will too.
I do hope you're feeling better today.

I understand u very well. I did the same thing for 6 months. Always hoping, read my txts but rarely answered back, but eventually broke NC every single time only to be treated worse than the time before. The ONLY thing that helped me was complete NC. I blocked all calls, emails, FB and txts. I avoided all places he frequents. His txts no longer meant anything to me as he was full of lies. I KNOW he will NEVER change-pathology never changes. Be good to yourself and forever sever any ties w/ him. Your life will be happier without the destruction of his pathology. Lots of hugs..xoxo

And you should NOT feel bad about your actions or feelings one little bit! As all of the other ladies have said, we have all been there and some of us still where you are. Coming here to vent and ask for support/feedback is what keeps us sane!!

I'm in a similar situation but have not broken NC yet. In the past few months as my exN and I have talked, I have learned to read through the BS. I've realized that what he wants is to reunite and have "a" relationship - not necessarily "the same" relationship that it was. Of course, he always tried to control the circumstances to meet his needs - his criteria.

I was able to stay firm and give him an ultimatum. He either gets into couples counseling with me or there's no reuniting - ever! I didn't place any other demands on this ultimatum but probably should have.

Here's the thing:
A man who is truly, genuinely in love with you and understands what it takes to have a real relationship will DO WHATEVER IT TAKES to make it happen. I'm sure you're willing to meet him half way but HE'S ALSO GOT TO COME HALF WAY. I think this is where we all have gone wrong. We have not developed our own standards and criteria for what it will take to give ourselves to someone - heart, body and soul.

This is the rest of your life. Think about what you want to be getting - not just what you are willing to give. If someone is not willing to meet our standards, THEY ARE NOT FOR US!

First off, I would have made him come to you when you saw him again. At the very least, he should have met you in a neutral place that was closer to you. Second, you should have had a time limit on how long you could stay so he knew that he was NOT your first priority. Third and most importantly, he should know going into getting together with you that you will only consider seeing him again if he has sincere intentions of a future with you. If he did not, and wasn't willing to discuss that with you when you saw him, you weren't going to open yourself up for more hurt.

Again, if he truly, genuinely loves you, he will understand and meet these demands. There's no guarantee that he will still follow through and go the distance, but at least you'll know up front, before you put your heart out there again, that he was or wasn't willing to meet these few minor requests to see you again.

I've talked to many, many men about this and they unanimously agree (by the way, these are normal men). If a man loves a woman and wants to be with her, HE WILL DO WHAT IT TAKES.

I hope that didn't come across to harshly. Look at the women who have men that adore them. Their men meet them half way at least, and many go much further than that. WE DESERVE THAT!!
Please don't settle for less. You're way too good for anything less than you desire.

I made all the mistakes you have made and added a whole bunch more of my own. Here is what will happen if you don't stay away. NC. They get OLD. There's actually one thing worse than a personality disorderd Narcissist and that is a personality disordered Narcissist who is getting old. If you tried to carve out some kind of 'normal' life with this type of person you will exist in living hell and then be looking back on a life wasted. I was young and pretty and accomplished and wanted this dashing man so much that I gave myself, body and soul, to his problems. Now that he is nearing 60 (we all get old) he is disgusting and bitter and financially a wreck and all of this should be happening to someone else, not me! I had the chance to get away and kept returning to his door -- all dolled up and drop dead georgeous -- for some stupid reason and now wonder if it wasn't my own issue about needing to succeed and be validated. Do whatever you have to do, get a counselor if needed, to stay away and I promise you he will be forgotten. His daughter too. Stay strong and stop crying because it will make your eyes puffy and he is not worth it!

Supply , thats all we are , mine too has been emailing me and asking to meet up to have an "honest" conversation , i have put him off and put him off , see why does he want to see me eh?eh? ill tell you why so he can get a big fat hard on (sorry) , negative supply , possitive supply it doesnt matter to him , all he will think is here is a beautiful girl (yes god damm it i am !) crying for me because i am god . Next time Acgirl you will know diffrently , you wont go .
I did reply to him yesterday ... im not sorry as i sent him a link to the "whats up with the passive agressive man" post we had on here ... its a classic and i know it will cause him injuory and i know it will keep the wank stain at bay for a while . I know that by doing this i have given him supply but it was just too well writen not to .
Cry it all out girlfriend , it wont take long to get over this blib . isnt Marline amazing . xx

"I also thought twice if I should even write for fear of embarrassment of my actions".

If anyone should feel shame and embarrassment of a relapse it should be me. Dont ever feel that way, that is why we have this forum to help each other and even though we not always understand each others personal stories and struggles we have ALL been the victims of what I call a CRIME. Was it a crime of mere passion? I THINK NOT, it was a crime and violation and destruction to our lives.

I too have been a long time member on this board and I will tell you who I am at the end of my response to your post. First you should be proud of your talents and professional accomplishments, please dont ever lose sight of that, but I also know when are hearts are shattered and we have lost site of everything we once were its impossible to see all the wonderful things we have always been.

Its hard to say why he did this could be a number of reasons mainly to see if you still had a place in your heart for him, could have been a test, now he is thinking I KNEW I could get her back if I wanted to.... one thing is for sure you can pretty much know there was nothing sincere about it, with them nothing is. There is NOTHING we can bank on when it comes to their disorder only what is written in the text books.

Here is a man that once again presented an illusion to you just as mine did. Until the day I die I will always be shocked at the propensity they have to do this. Because they are psychopathic in nature they have acquired the sick techniques and skills to do this. I stood in awe and shock as mine professed how much he did for his failing parents the last 10 years and how his mother left him all her million dollar inheritance because he was such a good son and did everything for her and we must not forget his career, the police force who looks up to this Sergent for his outstanding community service, when just the day before he had his hands around my neck choking me with force during passion - need I say more?

What I am trying to point out is the MASTER of disguise they live their lives hiding under. Yours may not wear a uniform as mine does pretending to be a pillar to his community but you can sure as hell know he was wearing a mask when you showed up at his hotel room. DONT blame yourself for not seeing the mask and disguise ACgirl, come on they fool professionals. I think some of them have the most brilliant criminal minds that walk the face of the earth, especially the successful ones who have money and power. They are able to see through their victims weaknesses and vulnerabilities because they are so damn evil and sick. I never thought narcissist, was a strong enough word to depict what they truly are, some call them not human and I believe Martha Stout describes them as a "Soul with no Footprints" and of course the famous "Mask of Insanity" and that is what they truly are INSANE and yet they are able to live a successful life under the mask of their insane behavior.

How is it possible that it felt so real to me and yet it wasn't. Does anybody understand what I am saying?

Oh yes I do understand how REAL it feels, they stand right before your eyes and you even wonder and question yourself as to why you would think this person is deformed in any way until maybe 48 hours later they wanted to rape you. Let me tell you what IS real: I understand how it feels to cry so hard you throw up, how it feels like you have lost EVERYTHING in your life, abandoned, alone, all your friends have wondered what happened to the person they once knew, people describe you as an empty shell of a person who can no longer feel or connect to anything living. They were NEVER real but ACgirl stop to look at how REAL the damage was they did, I try to distinguish the correlation in that respect, what was real and what wasnt. When I see how real the damage was they did I see just how UNREAL they truly were. Cause and effect I guess. If what they were seemed so real then why is it I ask did this experience cause me such destruction and pain?

I finally realize that there is no hope.

For HIM or for us? There will never be hope or change for him, but there is hope for us but not until we can let go of the hope we had for them, because its false hope and there is nothing worse than living your life with false hope. We are mourning nothing but an illusion that is hell to let go of, they call it NO CONTACT sometimes I want to call it facing our own reality because you see NO CONTACT has nothing to do with him and everything to do with me. Dry your tears we are here for you - lets give reality a chance I am ready to.

x0x0 you hang in there
Cynthia

I'm so so sorry, ACgirl. I truly feel your pain. I spent 10 yrs with the exN and figure at least 5 of those yrs. were spent trying to get away and get over it. He is still calling now even tho he's hooked back up with one of the OW's I caught him with years ago.

I still have to wonder if it wasn't for the fact that I found out his last OW was a man, would I still have some small vulnerability there. I guess in some ways that makes me lucky that I would most definitely never be involved with him again. I do know that prior to the 'man' part, I had grown tired of the same old lies followed by the same old actions. I had finally understood that no matter what, he would always do the same things because that is what he was and would always be.

But I remember so well the absolute anguish that you are feeling. I stayed in the house for days just sobbing. The part that drove me to the brink of madness was how he wouldn't just let me alone. He just kept calling, texting, PLAYING his games on me. My mind would not stop reeling with pain over the 'whys' of it all. What made matters worse was that the last 2 yrs I was unemployed and needed to get myself together but I couldn't because I was so incapacitated by his constant game playing. Just when I would stop crying and start moving forward, the calls and texts would start up again. He knew this because he had profiled me to know this, just as yours knows exactly how to hurt you in the worst and most effective way. His intention was to destroy me financially just so he could tell everyone how much better off I was with him.

I wish there was some magic pill to make the pain go away but unfortunately there is little to ease the suffering other than time and removing any possible contact between you. It has been the most difficult thing in the world to truly accept the reality that he is what he is and I was almost as interchangeable as flat tire. As much as I have read it, said it, seen it, it is still impossible to grasp that all of that was not real, was not love, was nothing but a game.

Cry as much as you need to. You will live thru it. Remove his ability to contact you and you will begin to find strength from the power of making that decision. Recently I watched the entire 'Civil War' series by Ken Burns and found that if they could survive the horrors of that, I could surely survive this. And you will. I also found that when I could no longer cry anymore, and started making plans for my life without him, I began to feel better and move forward.

It is true that the healing begins when you accept what he is and will always be. Acceptance is key and you have the benefit of being here, knowing the truth and being able to see it clearer than ever now. If you allow it, he will steal all your success, your happiness and even your looks from you.

Don't make the same mistakes I did and let this go on for another 5 yrs of your life. It will only get worse and the road to healing will only be more difficult.

One day soon you will run out of tears and day by day the pain will ease.

Will be thinking about you today.

almostlydia

ACgirl, I am so sorry you feel so sad. You are right, I don't want to continue the dream, as I know it will only end in more heartache and despair. You sound like a fabulous woman, you've got it going on, success, beauty, brains, and a big beautiful heart. Guess what, they always turn to bimbos, and I mean bimbos, because they feel so low about themselves, they need women who will make them look so much better than they are.....it's almost like a pedestal to them, they feel bigger and better as long as they are with bottomfeeders, and not with woman like you...........you are too good for him and he knows it, and it kills him, but he still needs your supply, they never let it die. Good luck to you, wipe your eyes and know you are the best thing that man could ever have and hes not good enough for you.........jaycee

Trying to come to grips that there will be no happy endidng. They do not change. I hadn't been involved w this man for 15 years only to let him back into my heart so he could do it again. He has not chAnged one bit in 15 years. There is no cure for this. You can't love them enough. They won't wake up one day and be healthy individuals. So now I'm left to deal with the fact that chunks of my life were just a lie. Pretty tough to accept.

Dear dear woman, this man showed up expecting to take you on another ride to hell, and realised you had picked yourself up ,restored your beautiful self, you are strong independant. im sure his mouth fell open because he reLised he would have to go pick on someone else who he could play with easier.
The world us your oyster now, and he knows it, you need to reLise this too.
what the hell do you wNt to go to his daughters wedding for, please they dont desetve you there.
put your beautiful clothes on and go out and have fun with your girlfriends or a man friend,you are already living in the future! your brain had a brief black spot and you contacted him again to make him see you were ok ! we have all done that, wanted our ex to see how well we are doing without him.you won!!! now delete his name and numbers from your life. He knows you are too good for him now. So become what you are! much too good and successful to be hanging around with a loser.
great times are ahead!
A x