Its day 10 of NC and I still feel like it hour to hour for me

gettinbetter

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1 day 10 hours

Its day 10 of NC and I still feel like it hour to hour for me

Posted September 6, 2010 - 10:19am

I had a terrible night last night. For a few days I felt like I was doing much better and then WHAM its like im right back in the dark hole. I even went to my phone last night to text him but I couldnt I started sweating and my hands started shaking. I think becuase I couldnt face the thought of rejection and having to start over at Day 1 all over again. I kept thinking of the grin he would have on his face if I texted. I made it thru but I am having terrible withdrawl symptoms.

Its nights and weekends that are the worst for me.

When does the counting

September 7, 2010 - 10:29pm — gettinbetter

When does the counting stop??? When I think of how much I spend constantly thinking about this. Counting the days of NC one by one. Its so pathetic but I just cant seem to shake it. It so compulsive.

10 days is still very raw

September 7, 2010 - 10:59pm — gigi9

10 days is still very raw indeed but it will get better...one second, one minute, one hour, one day at a time. Promise. I now no longer count the days....and only sometimes count the weeks...lol. I am 3 months NC and stronger for sure than day 10 and now looking forward to the strength that comes with 6 months NC and knowing full well that someday....he will be a tiny tiny blip on my radar and then....poof....gone! And the counting will stop altogether one day. He gets smaller and smaller with time and more and more inconsequential and without a grip or power over me! I know that time has made me stronger for sure, that time has offered me clarity of vision, and that time will not completley erase him from my memory but will make him foggier. NC is the only way to truly heal. Anytime I would break NC in the beginning it was the same sh*t if not ten times worse. It was never never never better. Now I am better. Much better without him. And while it has been hard for so many reasons I will say it again....I am much better without him even though I thought for sure on Day 1 NC that I could not live without him. Now I am certain that I can and now I have a hope for my life stronger than any one day that I spent with the N. My hope is back. My life is my own once again. And I am determined to love and respect myself more. I know what worked for me when I was so raw in the early days of NC was that I made a promise to myself that I would make it to day 60 NC for certain. And when Day 60 rolled around I was stronger and while still vulnerable I was less likely to break NC. Pick a day that you promise yourself to get to...even if it is day 11 and reevaluate from there. I am certain beyond a shadow of a doubt that three months out I will not contact him. Maybe I will be different in how I feel tomorrow but I am certain of this right now. Now is all I have and in no way with 3 months NC would I pick up anyone's phone to call him! He sucked the life out of me and blamed me for literally everything. I have no want or need for that in my life and I know I deserve so much more. If I know anything in life...I know that. No one should treat anyone poorly to start with oneself. And I will no longer treat myself poorly by allowing someone to treat me that way. He is no more capable of genuinely loving someone than a one month old baby is capable of walking. And that is no longer my problem. So stay strong....you can do it. Trust me...I never never never thought I could!

sick of it

September 7, 2010 - 7:39am — helldweller

There was one time when I didn't see the narc for ten days, in an attempt to get him to appreciate me. We texted a bit but did not actualy get together--I kept putting him off. I thought that after ten days his true emotions would come out and he would realize how much he loved me and how poorly he treated me. So finally, on night number ten, I went over to visit him. He opened the door and I thought he would kiss me passionately; I was absolutely dying to kiss him. He just looked at me, so I initiated it and began to kiss him. He said, after about six seconds, "Ok, enough time wasted. Get upstairs." "Upstairs" meant, of course, on a towel on his bedroom floor. I walked over to his bed, which I've never been allowed in, and he almost had a heart attack. I kept trying to coax him, stroking him and saying "just try it, baby, please." He actuallly started hyperventilating and could not calm down until I got out of his bed.

They are horrific freaks and I was right: his true emotions did come out after ten days.

It's really hard. I find that being around nice people at night helps, even if you have a glass of wine with a friend or have a long phone conversation with someone who appreciates you

You are doing so great. I yelled at him yesterday outside because he solicited me for sex again, so I'm actually going to take off one day of my NC. So this is day 3 for me. It is a grueling game of its own sort but we will come to the time when it doesn't matter, the counting. We will be too busy enjoying life.

Helldweller - solicited you?

September 7, 2010 - 10:45pm — morty

It sounds like you need to take out a restrainig order against that creep.

Thanks Helldweller

September 7, 2010 - 6:12pm — gettinbetter

The thing a struggle with is that I read the N's are really just scared little people on the inside. I keep having the urge to fix him. I mean it seems simple love them more, make them feel safe but I also realize by everything I have read many a therapist has tried and thats even if you could get one to a therapist. So I know infact that I cannot fix him. Im struggling with the idea that there will be no happy ending. Just isnt gonna happen. I havent been with this man in 15 years and he's still the same with one failed relationship after another. Dating people for 5 years. You do that when your in your twenties not in your forties. Luckily I only have 1 year invested this time around. Im sorry when your 43 you dont need to date someone 5 years to decide you dont want to marry them. Im struggling with what my heart feels and what my mind knows.

I woke up feeling great like maybe the pain had eased a little this morning but struggled again in the afternoon. I am however starting to realize that texting him will only bring more pain. Nothing positive can come from it. I gotta tell ya though, Its freakin tough. I hope I can continue no contact. I just keep saying over and over to myself I cant do another Day 1.

Hope you can stay away from him it is truly the only way to heal. Staying in the games is like pulling off the scab and bleeding everyday.

sick of it

September 8, 2010 - 1:00am — helldweller

The madness is that helping makes them worse. If you try to help they punish you for making them feel worse than they already feel about themselves. I tried to get mine to counseling after he beat the crap out of me and I called the police, and he did not rest until he could call the police on me in return. Everything is transactional, and every attempt at kindness is met with hostility and agression; completely mind boggling since they adore attention and coddling. The trick is to coddle without blaming. So when they hit you, stroke their heads and say, "Baby." When they ridicule your children, say, "I'm sorry my children exist. Let me get you a drink." When they screw someone in your own bed, say, "I"m sorry I didn't change the sheets before she came over, but I'll take off my clothes and make you forgive me."

NC is the only way foward ,

September 7, 2010 - 6:48am — Scoop

NC is the only way foward , 10 days is great soon it will be months nc and life returns slowly back to normal, i remember the first few weeks of no contact i was walking around like a zombie , i was in shock i think , i was sweating and shaking with a terrible feeling of being trapped inside my own head , i kept loosing my car , i would go to the shops and park it and by the time i had finnished shopping i had no recolection on where i parked .The good news is if you stick to the program life gets sooo much better , at this point write everything down , read all you can , be easy on youre self ..like its ok to cancil things that arnt important , its ok to cry , in fact cry all you can , cry all day if you have to keep the dark glasses to hand . We have all been where you are at , no one can understand what you are going through unless they have been there ... i love the phrase "you are having a normal reaction to an abnormal person " this is so true . Keep strong xxx

Well Ladies day 10 is almost

September 6, 2010 - 9:53pm — gettinbetter

Well Ladies day 10 is almost done. I made it another day but I must it has taken a tremndous amount energy from me. i just keep telling myself you cant do another Day 1.

Thanks for the words of encouragement. This is the longest I have ever gone NC my previous record was 9 days

Heres to day 11

sick of it

September 7, 2010 - 7:39am — Used

well done on day 10, i know it is hard ,i am 11mnths nc, but today iam feeling the pain, i had to go someplace, that bought back some memories, even tho i met 2 diffrent people i know, they both said how well i looked and i told them i was away from negative people and staying away, that i was only going to have anything to do with normal people like them, tho we all laughed ,inside i feel like i am dying. i asked one of them, how did i used to look, she said, gaunt, distressed and trapped when i was with him, i said why didnt you tell me, b/c you wouldnt have listened, its true. i had to come to the decsion on my own, b/c thats when you know "i am done", to think i looked like that, and didnt know,someone also said i looked like that with BEST friend woman,well thats what she kept telling me.that she was my best freind and only told me things for my own good.lol i now have ended with her. i call her to my self, narc queen,and him,narc king. i am so so glad i am out, but just having a very very bad day. to think i looked like that, no wonder i was constantly asked ,was i ill. YES I WAS, in 2 toxic freindships. that they both kept telling me it was my fault. no more.

Congrats! One step at a

September 6, 2010 - 11:54pm — gigi9

Congrats! One step at a time. Day 1 eventually turns into day 2 and day 10 into day 11 and so on and so forth! I am 3 months NC and believe me....it does get easier the longer you stay the course. I am now counting months instead of days! Lol and believe me I never thought I would be here. NEVER! I was still so raw at day 10 NC yet promised myself that no matter what I would at least make it to day 60 and I did and then I made it beyond that! Day 11 is a victory! So is Day 1! Be gentle on yourself and sooner than you may ever imagine or think.....it will be 3 months NC......and beyond! Stay strong!

thanks Gigi

September 6, 2010 - 11:57pm — gettinbetter

I feel like such an addict.

;-)

September 6, 2010 - 11:24pm — cluelessuntilnow

Yay! From your clueless (no more) friend!

You'll always be clueless to

September 6, 2010 - 11:35pm — gettinbetter

You'll always be clueless to me LOL!

sick of it

September 6, 2010 - 11:39pm — cluelessuntilnow

I actually kinda like my name! How sad is that?!

yes I like clueless. Im

September 6, 2010 - 11:44pm — gettinbetter

yes I like clueless. Im jealous. I wish I would have made mine sick of him! LOL!

Good for you sick of it!

September 6, 2010 - 9:58pm — allthatglitters

Happy Day 10!!! :)

I know what it's like to feel the withdrawal symptoms, but keep telling yourself that you can get through it. In my case, the withdrawal symptoms went away pretty quick once I convinced myself that no matter what I said, my ex N would never understand what he's done to me.

That's what worked for me, but whatever works for you, keep doing it. Reward yourself after you've gone a few more days, and then a few more. It does become like a habit.

Keep up the good work! xoxo

The thing that gets to me is

September 6, 2010 - 10:09pm — gettinbetter

The thing that gets to me is that I think at times he is aware of what he has done to me and even feels somewhat bad about. I even think he thought this time around he might be able to to get it right but its like a compulsion that he has to D&D me so he can control the outcome. I have always felt that deep down he has a fear that I will leave and He wants to make sure he controls his fate. So he makes sure he's the one to end it that way He can feel like he controlled the outcome.

I have seen alot of bizarre things with him this time around. No open mouth kissing. Loss of an Erection. These all point to fear of intimacy. I think when I got to close (especially since we have known eachother so long and share a very personal issue) alarms went off he got uncomfortable and I had to control it.

I used to feel the same way

September 7, 2010 - 12:10am — allthatglitters

I also think in a way my ex N does feel a bit bad, BUT, it's not in the same way you or I would feel bad had we done the same thing to someone (which we would never do in the first place). I think Ns feeling bad is on a much more superficial level. I also don't know if it's more that they feel bad about themselves or they feel genuinely feel bad for what they did to us. It's pretty complicated.

Regardless though, I know that Ns never seem to learn their lesson, no matter what they say. If they do something bad once, and you talk to them about it, it maybe registers with them for a couple of weeks, and then it all goes back to the way it was. At least that's been my experience. Nothing ever really seems to get through to them.

So that's why I just started telling myself that it won't matter how I try to explain things to him, he's just never really truly going to 'get it'.

Yay

September 6, 2010 - 9:54pm — wholeagain

Here's to breaking your record and no more day 1! On to day 11!

Be proud! You resisted the

September 6, 2010 - 6:47pm — Steph

Be proud! You resisted the temptation and that takes huge strength.

Unfortunately, there will be many more days like this ahead. They'll get easier though.

hang in there:)

Real proud of you

September 6, 2010 - 12:44pm — wholeagain

For sticking with NC. When I was in the thick of it like you are I imagined that I was rebuilding my self esteem one brick at a time. Every time I overcame that impulse to connect I got another brick. And I'm still building but it gets much easier as time goes on!

Hang in there. The terrorist did not win last night! ;)

xoxo

sick of it

September 6, 2010 - 11:53am — cluelessuntilnow

Happy you made it through the night! Me too!. Score 1 for Team "Sick of it" & team "Clueless" and 0 for the Narc Boys. Remember it is a game for them.

clueless

September 6, 2010 - 4:26pm — gettinbetter

I keep telling myself. This is a game for him. Its all about winning. I DO NOT WANT HIM TO WIN thats the only thing thats keeping me NC. I know if I send even one text he gets the satisfaction of knowing Im still in her head. Thats all he needs. He could careless about anything else. He just needs to know that he has power over me. One text is all he needs to feel warm and cozy. Im sure he has other sources of supply but I dont want him getting his warm and cozy feeling from me.

sick of it

September 6, 2010 - 11:49am — faithinthefuture

I'm very proud of you for holding your own. I have been NC for a little over 5 months and I remember those first dark lonely hell days. And now when I think about them I realize by going NC is what has made me feel stronger.
And what has really helped me is knowing even if I would've texted him or called him his response would'nt have been sincere. He would've have totally used that to his advantage not caring about me or my feelings at all.
They are users who only care about what's in it for them. They have no true feelings. That's been one of the hardest things for me to understand. I mean how can any one be so callous and uncaring? But that's a N and all they stand for.
We want for them to hear what we are saying and understand where we are coming from. They never will. The relationship was a lie on their part.
I have my days when I am soo lonely and just cry and cry. And I wish I could call him to talk. But then I remember the talk would be one-sided and he's not going to be there for me. Only for what he can take from me. so the urge to call is gone.
I guess we all need that straw that breaks the camels back before we can really let go and see them for what they are or aren't.
hang in there. It does it better. I never thought it would. But I'm proof it does.

Yes the hardest part is is

September 6, 2010 - 4:29pm — gettinbetter

Yes the hardest part is is accepting that it was all just one big lie. That is tough to grasp. How people are able to live their entire lives as one big lie. Mind boggling

Faith

September 6, 2010 - 12:30pm — gettinbetter

With all the support pouring in from you all I will hopefully make it thru another day. Cant even think about tommorow its too much can only think about getting thru one day at time. Your words are so very true. I just have to stayed focused on them. Thank you so much for taking the time to post some words of encouragement

One day at a time

September 6, 2010 - 6:41pm — faithinthefuture

That's all you can do! don't even try to think about tomorrow or a month from now! When I did all I thought was I would still be feeling the same way I was at the time. But it's not true. Aww sick of it there are days I want for what I believed in soo bad it physically hurts. And I was petrified of being by myself for the rest of my life(I'm 52)
i can honestly tell you I still long for what I thought we had and still get scared of being alone but i now know I won't settle for less than a true relationship with someone and if i can't have that then I won't have any.
I went thru 10 yrs of being with him and his cheating and his lies and this last time when he moved by me his true self shown thru and I don't want anything to do with him. They do get worse as time goes by.
You will make it thru. I didn't find this post until weeks after I kicked his sorry ass out. I come here every day and read about the absolute horror stories of women who have been thru soo much worse than me and I read about the anger and the hurt and the understanding. And I read about what's helped others to heal and move on. And I can come here when I feel weak and no one will judge me. Cuz they've been thru what I have. And I find comfort.

sick of it

September 6, 2010 - 11:05am — Sherbear

Good for you for holding off on the texting!!!! You Rock!!! You didn't take a hit off the crack pipe!! You are getting stronger, Sister!!! I still have days when I am not as strong as other days, but they are only temporary... you are in survival mode right now and each hour is a fight, but I promise, one day there is going to be a shift!! And each day you hold off, you are closer to that shift! I am so proud of you!! Feel what you gotta feel so it can get out of your system for good!! I'm here you!!! :o)

Thank you Shearbear

September 6, 2010 - 12:27pm — gettinbetter

It is truly a fight minute by minute hour by hour I get so much inspiration from reading your posts. Thanks so much for the encouraging words. You dont even know how much I appreciate them.

sick of it

September 6, 2010 - 10:52am — tica

love your name..so appropriate! You are on your way, I'm only 3 months, and unfortuantely STILL have days like you are describing, but NOT EVERYDAY..I keep thinking that if I give in now, what will I have learned? and you are right, who wants to start over to day one? they are an addiction..I wanted to contact the xN to wish him a happy birthday this weekend, but did NOT..part of me is proud of that and the other part would have liked to reach him..but yes, how foolish i would feel if he didn't pick up or not return my email...which he probably would have,just to punish, right? so NC keeps my sanity and dignity in tact...2 things I can not afford to lose again..we are in control with NC..but I definitely feel you on this..so count your blessings and get some fresh air :) peace and light~

Thank You Tica

September 6, 2010 - 10:58am — gettinbetter

I means so much to me to get encouraging words but especially when Im feeling so low. I know its the withdrawl symptoms taking hold but honestly what kept me from contacting was the fact that he would just ignore me in an effort to punish me for not continuing to give him his supply. I dont think I could bear that rejection and if he did respond It would be just to throw me a bone to keep me in the game.

Thanks again for the kind words.

I am living w him and have NC...

September 6, 2010 - 11:16am — blueeyes

He hasn't leaft and won't...but its all out war and no going back. It's over. We both finally have done and said things and we are at the point of no return. To keep him from manipulating the teenagers against me and possibly getting in a big fight (cope were over Friday), I can do 2 things..I can call the cops and tell them to remove him OR I can revoke his bail, they will arrest him until he can find another co signer. He has noone

Timmy

September 6, 2010 - 11:48am — gettinbetter

I am so sorry for you and the horrific week you have had. I cant imagine having to deal with all of that in your home. I hate these men and the evil that they bring. Atleast we all know what they are now and can stop the "what if" thinking. The thoughts of what if I had been nicer and more thoughtful. What if I didnt give him enough love? What if there's something wrong with me? and it goes on and on.. but now we all know it wasnt us its THEM. That being said it doesnt take away the pain. I guess we just have to endure. Gosh how I wish I would have known this years ago. I also am dealing with shame and embarrasment that he was able to do this to me twice. I feel so freaking stupid.

We're all gonna get thru this minute by minute hour by hour. It just sucks.

I pray that you will soon have peace in your mind and home.

:( sick of it

September 6, 2010 - 11:56am — blueeyes

I went to a movie last night alone..Eat Pray Love. Well it was nice, it was also hard. I am not a clean soul yet so watching it gave me some kinda feeling. Now, had IO watched that when I was mentally healthy, I would be inspired. I cant even enjoy peace and a good movie! I am in hell. Thanks for your words...

i think of all of you ladies often. The messages get me thru the day.

it is truly

September 6, 2010 - 12:25pm — gettinbetter

Hell on earth. Im sorry for your pain. I just keep tellin myself it will end it did once before. as someone else said there is no way around you have to go thru. But is a very dark and scary place. I know there are others in this dark and sacry place and while I cant see you, I can hear you and know that I am truly not alone.

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Its day 10 of NC and I still feel like it hour to hour for me