Cancer?

Cancer?
Posted September 6, 2010 - 6:32pm
0

When I told my N I was leaving him for someone else, he wrote me that even though he never said it, he loved me and that he has cancer and that it's worse than he knew. He said he didn't tell me earlier because he didn't want to put me through his illness. He told me he had only 2 years to live and that he'd have his headstone made soon.

When I came back to him because I felt so bad he had cancer, he was so wonderful for awhile. During that time, he talked about growing old with me with no mention of his disease. When things quickly fell apart again, he brought up his "life-threatening illness".

Has anyone else had this experience?? The good that came out of this was that I could see that there was no end to his pathological lying. It's still hell going through separating from him, but forums like this and remembering his lies help so much.

marissa

‹ I'm leaving..he knows it..i keep hearing of D and D...did it just happen? help The cruelty of the N can knock the breath out of you ›
Tinker's picture

even more cancer

September 19, 2010 - 1:32am — Tinker

I told him i had a date tonight and he responded via email that he has the "trifecta of cancers" - 3 different types, all stage 3.

please tell me how crazy this is?!? part of me believes him but i KNOW this can't be true, and that this is just over the top in manipulation!!!

marissa

lisalisa47's picture

CANCER UPDATE! Race for the phantom cure

September 16, 2010 - 4:25pm — lisalisa47

LOL...sorry, i'm not trying to devalue those peopel out there who actually HAVE cancer, just the one's who ARE a cancer.

Listen to this: I received an email last nite from wife #1 (a really sweet lady 20 years older and married to him YEARS ago) He wrote her from jail and asked her to write: he LOST everything, and surprise surprise, the cancer (the one I CURED with my love and icky tasting tea) is BACK and he'll probably die in jail - oh, but then he goes on to tell her he gets out in november. lol

Used's picture

lisalisa47

September 16, 2010 - 4:28pm — Used

so its not terminal then, he will still be around in november. what a gutter!!!!

time_to_move_on's picture

yes

September 12, 2010 - 4:21pm — time_to_move_on

one ex used to tell me that his headaches were possibly caused by a brain tumour, and that it ran in the family, his father had had the same problem (in reality, it was the stress of his double life).

Thing is.. I knew he was lying, and ignored him. At a later date I said "you are a liar, I knew you were lying" and he just looked at me.

The last ex used to tell me he had nowhere to live if he didn't stay with me and people would think it weird if his gf didn't help him out. But of course he had somewhere to live.

Used's picture

illness

September 16, 2010 - 4:30pm — Used

when n said to me ime ill[again.] i said nothing trivial i hope.

Meadowbrook's picture

Headache/Brain-tumor

September 11, 2010 - 4:28pm — Meadowbrook

Someone once said if she had a headache, her N would have a brain-tumor. They always have to one-up us in order to maintain the flow of sympathy and attention.

I was always there for N and listened to him talk about himself non-stop. Whenever I needed him in any small way he would be sick or have a doctor's appointment. It was bizarre and ridiculous.

After my life was in shambles due to my relationship with the N and all his manipulations and lies, etc... I told him I needed to meet with him that afternoon to talk. I mentioned in my email that I was at such a low point that I had been having suicidal ideations. I emphasized I would never act on it - it wasn't said as a threat of any kind. I just needed him to understand how depressed I had become and how I had hit bottom but needed some resolution on a few things. (mainly regarding whether or not I needed STD testing based on my suspicions of him). He wrote back "don't think regarding suicide that I'm not closer to the brink of my demise than you will ever know...." So he basically refused to meet me. Gee, what a friend.

Susan32's picture

The whole suicide thing...

September 11, 2010 - 11:45pm — Susan32

I find the whole suicide thing very triggering and disturbing. I think the ex-Psych professor relished the idea of me killing myself because he wouldn't reciprocate. The idea of me dying from a broken heart practically turned him on. It's like I lived out of sheer spite, like me being alive was the Ultimate "F U" to his crazy thinking.

In my freshman year, my grandfather died from cancer. The ex-P would say DURING CLASS "If you're so unhappy, why don't you kill yourself?" He'd say it a lot, and my classmates would tell him to shut up, and I'd be reeling in shock. One of his favorite quotes from "Portrait of Dorian Gray" is what the dilettante heartlessly says after his true love kills herself. When I told the ex-P how his beloved Tolstoy drove his wife to attempt suicide, the ex-P practically licked his lips, saying, "She REALLY loved him." When a pastor friend of mine died from cancer my senior year, he made the D&D more horrendous and humiliating. Oh yeah, he had to show off his with-it, butch curator girlfriend.

And that brings me to where I am now. One of my former classmates stayed behind to be a professor. The ex-P ALWAYS pitted her against me, destroyed our budding friendship, and I think she was closer to him than me. What's weird is that she and I looked similar, had similar names. Her father died not too long ago... and her own death left many unanswered questions. A healthy woman of 40 doesn't just die in her sleep. She was referred to as a "former professor" which was strange. Her whole passing has more questions than closure.

Instinctively, I thought, "That could've been me" and "I hope it was natural causes." Very strange those were the FIRST thoughts that came to mind.

The ex-P glorified suicide. One of his favorite Schopenhauer quotes was about suicide being the ultimate act of the will. His idol, Wittgenstein, contemplated it. Tolstoy threatened to do it as well.

It's like the ex-P didn't mind suicide, because it's a crime without fingerprints.

Tinker's picture

suicide

September 11, 2010 - 11:35pm — Tinker

meadowbrook - when my N put me to the edge i told him i felt i couldn't take it any more and thought about suicide, he told me that it was unattractive to be so unstable. all i wanted was, like you, for him to acknowledge how painful the situation was. they are not friends. sorry this happened to you, too.

marissa

miinx's picture

hah!

September 8, 2010 - 1:01pm — miinx

im glad you brought this up - mine pulled this card as well, and i had ENTIRELY forgotten until reading this post.

mine claimed his aunt, the woman who raised him (because his mother was a narc herself and cant be bothered to raise her own children) had inoperable ovarian cancer and had 3 months to live, and that he couldnt take me leaving him all by himself at such a horrible time.

mind you, i saw this woman nearly every sunday while we were together when she would invite us over for dinner.. if she was sick, she sure didnt look it. this was news to me. she had always been lovely to me and been very disapproving of how he treated me. i told him id like to send her a card and some flowers. this ENRAGED him and he refused to give me the name of the hospice where he claimed she was staying.

of course, a year later, there is no mention of said cancer, and his aunt is perfectly fine.. because there never was any cancer.

Warrior1's picture

Mine used the cancer card

September 8, 2010 - 12:54pm — Warrior1

Hi Marissa,

Like so many others who've responded here, my N played the cancer card too, only he called it a spot on his kidney. He came to me with this news during one of the many, many times I tried to get rid of him. These guys will say ANYTHING to get you to stay and feel bad for them. They depend on eliciting your sympathy to keep you hooked. It's like having sympathy for the devil.

I offered to go to the hospital with him for his biopsy and he said his sister would go with him. I asked him if he had told his live in girlfriend that he had the spot and he said he didn't want to worry her.

My sister, as astute as she was, told me to be careful believing the cancer story. She was right! The guy is one sick Mother F-er!

lisalisa47's picture

Yep! Cancer HERE too

September 8, 2010 - 12:14pm — lisalisa47

I've probably mentioned this before, but MINE came to me with a cancer story.

So, idiot that I am, and ex case management assistant at a hospital, I spent the next year (the GOLDEN year as i've come to call it) researching, digging, not giving up, all to cure him. And guess what, I SHOULD be a doctor, because it turns out he doesn't have cancer LOL

I should have taken in consideration that when I was on his laptop one time, I saw TONS of history he pursued for "pancreatic cancer" "cancer symptoms", "pancreatitis"etc.

When i first read that i thought, "aww...he's trying to find out all he can about his disease" Now i know he was probably trying to find out all he could about PANTOMIMING it. I should have known better when the records couldn't be found, and he kept thriving due to my loving touch.

I think narcissism is a lesson for those of us who blindly think that Love ALWAYS cures all. LOL

helldweller's picture

cancer

September 7, 2010 - 4:25pm — helldweller

right here, baby. In February I finally dumped him and started seeing a wonderful, wonderful man. The narc came literally in tears to my door and begged me to hold him, stay with him, blah blah blah, that he has advanced stage bladder cancer and the doctor said he had till Christmas, maybe. He ended up admitting it was a lie and telling his family that *I* had made it up because I'm crazy. They are insane.

girlfriday's picture

common ploy

September 6, 2010 - 11:49pm — girlfriday

I have heard of this ploy several times. It seems to be a rather common weapon in the arsenal of the N/P/S.
My best friend had a female P "friend" who was so twisted and used this ploy to try to get back in my friend's life a few years later. I've read articles about others using it too. It's so twisted and manipulative. Nothing is real with them. Just their wants and needs at any given moment, and like a drug addict,they'll say or do anything to get those needs met. They know that they can get out of anything. "I went into remission! It's a miracle!" Yeah, right.

gigi9's picture

Mine had the common cold and

September 6, 2010 - 9:24pm — gigi9

Mine had the common cold and told me that he thought he was going to die from it.....lol.

sparky2009's picture

Once when mine left me it

September 6, 2010 - 7:30pm — sparky2009

Once when mine left me it was for a phantom illness that he didn't want to put me through the hell of going through with him .. I found out the illness' name was Rita. I have also heard other people tell me many times he has told them he was dying and he has some weird heart condition. They all make stuff up for attention and manipulation.

wholeagain's picture

Sparky

September 6, 2010 - 9:45pm — wholeagain

LMAO

>>I found out the illness' name was Rita.<<

They're so utterly predictable!

wholeagain's picture

Yes...

September 6, 2010 - 7:13pm — wholeagain

And I know there are several others on the board who got a cancer story as well, it seems to be a Narc M.O. for manipulating.

In my case, it was a brain tumor. I wasn't leaving or anything close to it, so I have no idea why he made it up--just for drama and attention? I was so utterly devastated, and when I look back on that now I can't believe how completely cruel that was.

faithinthefuture's picture

Ohhh marissa

September 6, 2010 - 6:45pm — faithinthefuture

that just shows how truly twisted and pathetic they really are!
I'm sooo sorry he has put you thru this! To take advantage of a kind caring woman and use her is disgusting! How f*n sad is he!
Mine never resorted to this kind of thinking. so I honestly can't imagine how you must feel!
My advise to you is to tell him he doesnt need to go thru any chemo or treatment as it would just prolong your misery!

Tinker's picture

faithinthefuture

September 6, 2010 - 6:57pm — Tinker

haha, thank you! yes, he says he's refusing any treatment. if there is a funny side to this, it's that even with his so-called stomach cancer (which is cruel considering that people are fighting this for real) he keeps gaining weight instead of losing it!

N's will use any argument, any lie, to hold on to their supply.

helldweller's picture

Marissa

September 7, 2010 - 4:27pm — helldweller

Ha ha Yeah, mine said he was going to refuse treatment, too. "I'm going to have a great summer and do everything I want and then shoot myself in the head in the Fall." Well, he had a great summer and did everything he wanted, so I've got my fingers crossed. LOL

lisalisa47's picture

OMG and LOL...

September 8, 2010 - 2:31pm — lisalisa47

Helldweller,

Mine said something like that but it was he was going to move to PANGO PANGO or some other island, and die there. When the pain became TOO great he was going to "bite into" a caplet that contained a lethal dose of morphine, and go out gracefully.

Also, here are some signs i should have been aware of:

He had researched his chosen "exit" disease enough to know what the Whipple prodcedure was, but not enough to realize that you can't go out ALL night and party, then go right into surgery the next day.

He also made me believe that he was actually on the operating table, and changed his mind at the last moment - and "they were very nice and let him go". So, that would have meant that sent him on his way, with a "have a nice day", while he was totally anesthetized and in a hospital gown - AND allowed him to drive his truck home, as well.

Also, one night AFTER this, and while I was at work, he emailed me with the subject line "BABY, i'm on my way to the hospital, my eyes are all yellow, i think i;m backing up" and when i called a friend to see if anyone had gone with him, the friend said he drove off on his own, and was going to stop by the store for a soda on the way there.

Another time, he had me in tears when i couldn't reach him for the doctor appointment we were supposed to go to. After, five hours he messaged me that he had just woken up after almost dying - due to placing 2 fentanyl patches on top of each other on his heart the night before. (NOW, that part may have been right on, he did have a thing for those patches)

After thinking about his "cancer" situation now, I think i know how it came about. His ex GF told me that his ex wife had spoken with her about her catching him "cheating" and had kicked him out. He THEN came back with the cancer story, first at which the ex wife asked him to come home so she could take care of him, later telling him to Stay the F away from her, and even canceling his medical benefits.

What gave his story SOME credibility however, was the fact that he DID have a KAzillion doctors, AND several perscriptions for oxycontin which is a highly addictive and spareingly used medication for those with intractable pain. So how the hell did he pull that one off if they didn't think he was dying?

Plus the crowning jewel, and I still don't get this one: When he had been "cured" thanks to me and my love, he actually did go through pill withdrawal on his own to get clean from the oxys. I saw this everyday, and he even turned down pills from others to help him through it, saying this was the only way he could "kick". Now WHY would he do this? Any answers? I mean, the meth came back full force after this, but he said kicking those pills was the hardest thing he ever had to do.
Can someone shed some light on this deviation from the narc norm?

Tinker's picture

lisalisa47

September 8, 2010 - 5:11pm — Tinker

I'm not so sure it's a deviation from the N norm. They like to be superman (mine actually likes to say he's superman) so going through something where they show how in control they are may not be abnormal for them. My N won't take any kind of meds at all, likes to recount how he got his scars and didn't get medical help, stood the pain, etc., but is also a hypochondriac (e.g., the cancer, the second location of cancer since I've known him) so I could see another N getting so into it that he gets the pills then gets hooked.

There's not one set of behaviors that works for all of them all the time. They are clever!

Sounds like his ex-wife figured him out quick...:)

lisalisa47's picture

Thanks for the insight Marissa

September 8, 2010 - 10:49pm — lisalisa47

I didn't think of that about trying to prove "they are superman" but that makes so much sense now.

It's just that he acted like a big baby most of the other times.

Yeah, i think his ex figured him out, and finally "left him to his new girlfriend' which was ME at the time.

She spent four years with him, but i only had to deal with 2 and a half. :)