This forum has validated my experience completley, has offered me answers and understanding as to what I had been through by my reading through the many posts and "venting" of other members where otherwise I would truly have never understood what happened to me. I needed to be validate. I needed to be understood. I needed to "vent." I at one time was a new member here and my experince on this forum has helped me immensley. I am now 3 months NC yet in the beginning and prior to NC I took him back A MILLION times and had a MILLION stories to tell and a MILLION reasons why I needed validation. I was for a long time stuck in his grip and fully enmeshed in the Stockholm Effect. In the beginning I only read the stories/posts on the forum and then finally joined. The forum ultimatley did help me to move forward. The validation through members "storytelling" and "venting" allowed me to see that I was not crazy, that I was not "losing it" and that I was in fact being abused. I was where I was with no judgement against myself or to anyone here who is currently stuck in the same pattern. I found a place to "vent" and manage now to be 3 months NC. I support everyone on the board in whatever phase of recovery he or she is in. Life has a way of moving us all forward towards recovery whether we go willingly or not. I think it would be dangerous to compartmentalize this very necessary recovery process into the "venting" section and the "recovery" section. Venting is a a part of recovery. Story telling is a part of recovery. Validation is a part of recovery. NC is a part of recovery. Moving on is a part of recovery. And all facets of recovery are represented on this forum. We all move in recovery at a different pace and in a different way. And it is not a linear process. Sometimes I still need to vent and sometimes I just want to pick up the phone and hear his voice and sometimes I am glad to be moving on. If I start to read a post that does not jive with where I am at in my recovery process I simply stop reading it and click to a different post. This should serve as a safe haven for all members regardless of where he/she is at in recovery and where members further along in recovery can serve to help others see "the light." Many of us have been day 1 NC where venting and validation brought us forward to day 2 NC. I have learned a lot from my day 1 NC "venters" and hope now to help others see what 3 months NC has to offer. I say "vent away", "validate away", "NC away" and "move on away"...and "post away" at whatever phase of recovery you happen to be in. Healing will come, moving on will happen, one non-linear phase at a time. I happen to be a licensed counselor and for what it is worth that is my opinion:) Happy recovering!

My post is titled: Separate section for venting. Yet so many of your replies suggest I don't get the necessity of venting. I was talking about possibly keeping the venting and recovery sections on separate headings. I am a mother of a 24 year old son and had a Narc for a father and my son's father was a narc. My particular choice was not to have my son grow up watching a narc abuse his mother and he did not. He is not abusive to women because he never saw that type of behavior. I am not suggesting that it is easy to leave your narc husband or boyfriend if you are in a relationship with one. I am suggesting that it is not healthy to stay with a narc and have your children witness this turmoil. We all have choices and we all make the decisions we make and I am not telling anyone here what to do. I am saying that it is not useful for me now and was not useful for me in the beginning to read stories about people who keep going back for more abuse. That is my feeling and it is my right to state how I feel. I am not rude and I am not having a bad day. I am saying that I would like to see some of these catagories separated. This is an opinion. I am not going to pretend that I don't have a problem with watching some people continue to return to their abuser because I do and I find it painful and scary and I know that you cannot get someone to see the truth until they are ready. I get that. Once again, I am saying that it would be great for me if some of these topics were under separate headings. I have worked with people on many levels for over 30 years and my thrust has always been and always will be to get out of an abusive situation as quickly as possible and you are not going to hear anything different from me on here. I was with my narc for 7 months and it took me almost 5 months to get him completely out because he would not leave and the police were called 11 times. Do I empathize with people who can't get out, of course I do. Do I encourage such behavior. NEVER. Will I encourage people to find a way out and talk with them on the phone or on here for hours to support them to get out. YES.

God bless,
Goldie

Goldie - I understand where you're coming from. I think it's all about personal dignity. As hard as it is to break free from the N's spell, this has to be about each of us regaining our dignity. And everyone goes about doing that in a different way. The best revenge that we can each have is to live our lives as dignified as we can irrespective of the Ns and their melodramas. And it's not really revenge because that implies that it's to get back at them. It's for us, not for them.

I'm lucky to be a ways down the road, but I remember well what it was like to be deeply hurt, confused, scared and in the middle of the WTF that is dealing daily with a Narc (and not even knowing that's what I was dealing with). I didn't start posting here until I was well into NC, and even then it helped me to vent to others who really get what I was going through.

It is frustrating to see wonderful people in hurt and confusion, but I was there too--I stayed in it for almost 20 years and if I'd been posting the whole time I'm sure I would have exasperated everyone. We get frustrated because we know there's a brighter future if they could only see it. All we can do is help them in that process however long that takes. Sometimes it's listening, sometimes it's validating that a person is in fact not crazy, sometimes it's tough love, which I think we do very well here.

I still learn from each post in one way or another. The "acute care/emergency room" posts require our best empathy and advice, the "chronic" cases help me remember patience, where I don't want to return and also help me remember the serenity prayer (I can't change their thoughts no matter how much I'd like to lol), the "recovery room" posts are incredibly uplifting.

Since being here I've seen my own recovery move forward yet more and faster. I made a decision just this week to post less on my own past story and more on trying to help others get to a better place, because I'm ready for that and realize that more venting at this point is useless. In a general way I can share my experiences but no more ragging on the ex needed.

If there's a post I feel I can't contribute to, I'm free to move past it.

There's no other place like this that I know of, this supportive and open and allowing us to be who we are, and the more acceptance we can provide the safer members may feel to gain strength to make changes. Trying to categorize venting from the rest of it would prove difficult I think.

I am new to this site, and posted my story for advice on whether a man with whom I had a relatively brief (5 month) long distance relationship with was narcissistic. I got some good feedback and much of it included the personal experiences of those who answered.

I didn't categorize it as "venting" but I believe that for those who replied to my story - and who regularly post on this site - recounting a personal story is very cathartic.

As a newbie, I find it helpful as well. Yes, I skip over the pity party stories and try to sift out the ones I can relate to. For those of us who are only now figuring things out, venting is healthy as long as it is short-lived, and treated as a release to bring some relief so that we can all move on to a better place.