it's over! why does he think he didnt paly a part in destruction?

it's over! why does he think he didnt paly a part in destruction?
Posted September 5, 2010 - 7:54pm
0

Cuz in reality he is the cause. Lies tantrum DD me and I'm the nasty one? I did everything for hom. I lived 4 him. Why is it my fault?

I'm going alone to see Eat Pray Love. NOW.
???

‹ Total Lack of Empathy I want to start NC today..He wont leave so I am having him thrown out. ›
betty2020's picture

A Narcissist is never wrong,

September 5, 2010 - 10:11pm — betty2020

A Narcissist is never wrong, never at fault and accept no responsibility for their actions nor the role they play in the negative outcomes. For them to consider such a notion would cause them great Narcissistic injury. This is the disorder. We need to recognized that this is a personality disorder. A mental illness that was given a clinical definition in 1980 by the leading authority's in the field of psychology.

As you read about the characteristics and traits of a Narcissist you need to take heed to every last one b/c although they may not show them all at once, they are there and very real.

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

agnesmurphy17's picture

Because

September 5, 2010 - 9:42pm — agnesmurphy17

Narcissists are always the victim. Anything they do is "in reaction" to your "provocation." They have to defend themselves. I try to look at the situation from the N's persective.

YOU are not behaving, saying, being what he N wants. The N becomes angry, frustrated, etc. N begins a tantrum, to threaten, to beat . . . whatever is the intimidation tactic favored by that particular N. If N does not get what he wants, the abuse escalates.

Now if YOU do not like N's abuse, and react by leaving, this is something N cannot conceive because you forced him to act because you did not behave, say or be as he wanted. It's all YOUR fault. Had YOU done what N wanted, nothing would have happened. And, also, the N does not think he is 'abusive'--the N does what you force him to, ie, what is necessary to extract from you what he is entitled to.

helldweller's picture

they are not at fault

September 6, 2010 - 6:10am — helldweller

TimmyBoy, agnesmurphy is right. In their minds, everything bad that they do is a response to OUR behavior. They are the victims putting up with us, the totally inferior, abusive, spoiled ones who don't understand that the world is about them. If I had to pick the single most infuriating thing about life with the narc, it would have to be that he used my RESPONSES to his atrocious behavior as the EXCUSE for his atrocious behavior, having no sense of cause and effect or chronology. For example, I became enraged when he started having the neighbor babysit his foster child after I agreed to stay with the narc only if he promised I would be the child's only sitter. He "explained" that he couldn't count on me to watch his child because I was "always mad and might bail out at the last minute." However, we NEVER HAD A CROSS WORD until he started using this woman as his sitter and I got mad about it! He also told me that I oculdn't meet his female friends because he didn't want me to bother them with my "drama." However, he was lying to me about his whereabouts and seeing them BEFORE WE EVER HAD A CROSS WORD.

Does anyone have a similar experience--where the narc seemed to have no sense of cause and effect or chronology, feeling he could use anything as a reason for his actions, even if it made no sense, timewise?

Susan32's picture

Weird chronology

September 6, 2010 - 5:58pm — Susan32

That is so true, helldweller! Your story is heartbreaking. He pushed you to THAT POINT--then wondered why you were angry. No understanding of consequences. What does he think his job is, being in charge of the time/space continuum???

The ex-Psych professor was the SAME WAY-
1)After trashing me AFTER my grandfather's death, saying nasty things (during class) such as "toughen up" and "if you're so unhappy, why don't you kill yourself?" He sent me to the onsite therapist (with whom I had a class,and was his colleague) He said I needed to "learn to manage my feelings." One DOES end up in therapy after such bullying.
2)I went around spreading praise about how he was writing a book. Bragged about it to my friends. I felt proud of him. So, he spread NASTY rumors about me to my classmates, saying I was psycho,crazy,evil--because he was TERRIFIED that I was saying bad things about him behind his back. I told him "you said bad things about me behind my back. Why WOULDN'T I say bad things about you after what you've done?"

A year after the D&D, my friends and I had a chuckle over the ex-P belonging to a "causality forum." We joked "Yeah, if you act badly, people get angry, duh!"

Thank God for NC... no more people in my life who play around with timelines. I am THANKFUL!!!! My sanity is back, and it's gonna stay!

blueeyes's picture

N's have no sense of time or chronologic order

September 6, 2010 - 9:43am — blueeyes

Not only has he not at fault for the destruction of our marriage but he has no memory of the pain he caused. He also, did nothing for our bils car payments, ect...I would literally give him a time date check money and he still didnt do it.

Nicole96's picture

I know this feeling all too well

September 6, 2010 - 5:12pm — Nicole96

I was with my N for 9 yrs plus, and friends for 2 before that. He has broken my heart over and over and over and he never will he revisit those times when he did something wrong. He refuses to look at his past, accept responsibility for anything... and it's all because deep down he knows he was wrong and can't accept how awful he has been. He can't accept the truth... he can't live with himself unless he is in super deep denial. And that includes simplifying our break up to be about me just not being good enough for him.