The night my Narc and I explained to our young friend WHY MEN GO TO HOOKERS instead of their significant others

lisalisa47

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1 year 37 weeks

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The night my Narc and I explained to our young friend WHY MEN GO TO HOOKERS instead of their significant others

Posted September 4, 2010 - 4:39am

Here is one for the books: Just some brief background for those of you who haven't read my story. My NARC - year one hearts flowers love - year two - neglect, contempt LOTS OF HOOKERS he denied but i found proof of, and did i mention he so thought he was ALL THAT that he bragged to every male friend and didn't worry about whether anyone would ever tell me...LOL...anyway

A young female friend came to visit one day, heartbroken because she had found evidence that her boyfriend was seeing escort girls. So she asked my NARC, "Why do men go to hookers when they have a freak in the bedroom at home who is also their girlfriend or wife" My ears pricked up, "how's he gonna get out of THIS one without giving himself away?

He started off with the same old, "well, ya know, sometimes wives don't want to do what the guy would really like..blah blah blah...I interject - Hey NARC, let ME take this one puhleese...He looks confused for a minute, then says, OK lisa go ahead.

"Well, Amy - it's like this. Once a man figures out that his princess is just human being, like all his princesses before her, the magic kinda goes "splat". I mean, once he's been really sick with, say something like CANCER, and she's had to DIG poop out of his ass because he got clogged up on pain pills, well, he finds it a bit harder to convince her that he's GOD.

(Amy is looking back and forth between Narc and myself, like a tennis match) I continue...

"BUT, with an escort, all you have to do is possess a bit of money, and you can tell her you are ANY ONE YOU WANT TO BE. Say for instance, you fantasize about being king of Sacramento, Ca. All you have to do is walk in with a fat wallet and your lady of the evening will look at you with adoring eyes, "Hello Mr. King of SACRAMENTO ca, HOW was your day ruling the peons? COme on in, did you bring the cash? Good - My you sure are looking like royalty tonite, would you like it in the ass again tonight? black or red dildo this time?

Blah blah... i embellished a bit but i had a fuckiin fantastic time, the funniest part was, he DIDNT get it...He just goes, "Yeah Amy....and there's that"...LOL

Arguing about $$$$

September 9, 2010 - 11:49am — Susan32

The ex-Psych professor and I were arguing about $$$, and we weren't even MARRIED or LIVING TOGETHER. I had found an essay of his on the Internet (it's still up there, and unlike the rest, there is no "pay wall" to see it) and he was paranoid that I was selling copies of it to my classmates(???) Uh, what?

When he made 14 copies of his lecture because I bragged about it to my classmates, he started complaining because he didn't get any $$$ out of it. I even joked, "Well, how much should they have cost?" and he did not like that.

The ex-Narc boss had money issues as well, but he wasn't as obsessed with it. He liked hanging out with wealthy people to feel sophisticated--but he shopped at Target and Wal-Mart. And that did not bother him.

The ex-P was sooo fixated on money he compared himself to a prostitute. As my ex-Narc boss would say, "Work your own corner, honey."

Reply to everyone else :)

September 8, 2010 - 2:17pm — lisalisa47

Yes Brieses, i did just publish my private diary blog, which i gave alink to on this site. The posts are somewhat sad, reflective, but i interject with humor which is has always been MY coping mechanism. LOL

TNR - I am beginning to see that the hookers were NOTHING personal, because being personal is what a narc isn't. But the "second life" scenario hurt for quite awhile, and sometimes still stings although it's getting better.

He compared himself to a prostitute

September 8, 2010 - 3:36am — Susan32

One of the ex-Psych professor's favorite Wittgenstein quotes was when the philosopher said he was "prostituting his intellect" by being a professor. Even after the D&D, he bluntly put it "I'ma teacher. That's how I make $$$." For him, it was all about the $$$.

When I told him after the D&D that if it were all about playing a role, and he saw being a teacher as ONLY A ROLE--I told him that he should've moved to Los Angeles to be with his girlfriend and take up acting or modeling. Neither of those jobs involve original thinking. Besides, actors and models get paid better than professors.

n thinks hes a prostitute

September 10, 2010 - 4:27am — fooled no longer

This made me laugh. its the only time in my life that Ive heard a man say. So whats wrong with it? they get 10 bucks to feed themselves and so? when It breaks my heart that the country roads around us are lined with sweet looking 16 year olds standing freezing in a mini skirt in the rain and waiting for the day when some B stard abuses them. In answer to my question "what if that was yr daughter," he just shrugs. I got his thesis on how he sells he brain matter as an engineer for x amount a day, and these girls also sell their brain matter for x amount. Apparently being degraded and giving your money to a pimp seems to have escaped him.
Maybe because he is a super pimp in our relationship.
A

Should we get him a cape with SP on it?

September 10, 2010 - 12:27pm — lisalisa47

They are all SUPER pimps "whoring for attention" LOL

They pimp themselves...

September 10, 2010 - 6:12pm — Susan32

The only time the ex-Psych professor was HONEST about himself (and I kept him honest, he even owned up to his own bad behavior, go figure) was during my freshman year... and he really DID see himself as the prostitute AND the pimp.

He saw everything in terms of image and $$$$, all he needed was high heels and some dental work (his teeth were nasty!!!!), and he would've been like Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman." And I was Richard Gere trying to refine him and teach him manners...

And surprise, surprise many actors an models are narcissists

September 8, 2010 - 12:08pm — lisalisa47

My narc was more "subtle" than that in showing his hand (As far as I was concerned anyway) What he couldn't do, as i suspect most narcs can't - is keep his mouth shut with his bragging to his "friends" which in the case of mine anyway, turned out to mostly be people that thought he was in an idiot and saw right through him.

"Narcissism and the False Self"

September 8, 2010 - 1:28pm — Susan32

It was after the D&D when I called him out, he ADMITTED to the role-playing, that it had been an act. What's odd was that he denied being unhappy, he claimed all the self-pity, "poor me" thing he did for me was "NOT THE REAL ME." But I think that's the real him. His "I'm a happy person" was thoroughly unconvincing. It's like he didn't know who his "REAL" him was. I said sarcastically "If you meet the real you, tell him hi for me." He said I didn't appreciate his masks.

The ex-Psych professor seemed to know enough that he was a fraud. When he called himself a prostitute (and yes, the prostitute/client relationship is NOT a REAL relationship),it was one of his rare self-reflective moments. He wasn't projecting it onto me. He couldn't come up with an original idea... and that's what philosophers usually do,at least the GOOD GENUINE ones.

Yeah, the ex-P made the mistake of "bragging" to his students-who were my friends-and they thought of him as an idiot as well. Not very bright to brag about European vacations to one student than tell the rest of them that it was all made up.

The book "Narcissism and the False Self" sounds like a book written for the ex-P. It's got his name on it.

Correction: I meant 10 YEARS not 10 days LOL

September 8, 2010 - 2:13pm — lisalisa47

Ten days would have sent me over the edge, 10 YEARS goes a ways to explain why someone turn pyscho. Yet, this is not for me, or anyone else to take on like Jesus for his sins.

The sad fact is he REFUSES to acknowledge that he has any bad feelings at all.

Susan, it's funny

September 8, 2010 - 2:11pm — lisalisa47

After I wrote my last reply, I called my neighbor's girlfriend who lived next door to us, to let her know i'd be coming to finish up with the place. (This is all pursuant on the narc still being in jail after his next court date of 9.10 or course)

She mentioned the letters she read but i did not, from him, which she is holding for me in case i need to use them in court some day. I told her briefly about the stories and similarites i was reading about in this wonderful group.

She said, "Wow, his letters are SO convincing in what he says to you". (Keep in mind my neighbor's girl is a "street savvy" type, to say the least). I explained to her that my narc was the master - as he had be practicing his craft from a very early age, just to survive. (i found out that he had been molested and beaten for 10 days since the age of four by his step dad)

I told her this is one of the reasons i did not want to read them, in fact, i probably won't ever read them. I did not want to be "seduced" by his eloquent lies again.

Being convincing

September 8, 2010 - 3:28pm — Susan32

It's a good thing you're keeping NC in NOT reading those letters. You don't want to get into that spin cycle again. I'm glad I haven't been in "conversation" with the ex-Psych professor for a decade.... because he'd use all his Tolstoy quotes on me. He seemed to like entrapping people IN PERSON or over the phone. You can see (or hear) how people react. His LDR with his girlfriend was by phone and email. She was in LA.

It's healing for you to NOT read those letters. You don't want to be part of the game anymore. It's not healthy. You want to keep yourself safe.

The odd reversal is that while your ex-N harnessed the power of the pen, the ex-P lacked game in that area. He could be charming in person, but his writing was sorely lacking.

I've quoted one of the ex-P's lectures from 1996 (with his odd sense of the time/space continuum it says "1998"). Back in the day, his words could set my heart and hormones racing. Not anymore. I can quote one of his boring, long-winded sentences and my heart doesn't skip a beat. His philosophical essays would make an all-natural substitute for sleeping pills. They're Valium in print.

Its about fear of intimacy

September 5, 2010 - 8:56pm — gettinbetter

They can treat those women (hookers) as objects. They dont have any fear of feeling connected to them. With us the ones they have shared experiences with, it instigates the fear inside of them that you will eventually abandon them. Thats just my take.

SICK of it

September 10, 2010 - 9:58pm — lisalisa47

I know i maybe replied to this before, but i really needed to hear those words again today.

AFTER the phone call from the guy who got him jailed in which my narc only wanted to know "how his dog and his property are doing" I have to admit, it stung a bit, while it pissed me off at the same time = AFTER that, i was speaking to a girl who did not know he was jailed, and apologized for not telling me all she found out about him that he was doing while we were together.

The most absurd, and hurtful, one was the girl with no teeth he was messing around with. And, i dont hold this girl in contempt at all, she was actually a nice person who had lost a son to leukemia, and had a BIG dope problem.

He used to say how gross she was, but he still used her in exchange for dope. I see now as narcissists go, he was pure evil when under the influence (and who knows, maybe without it too)

Lisa

September 10, 2010 - 10:07pm — gettinbetter

I have really read some very angry posts about the other women. I totally get that. It hurts but when you really start to get it that these men treat all women this way you start to pity them cause the ain't gotta clue whats about to hit'em.

I used to be insanely jealous. I mean I felt jealousy like I had never felt before. I now feel pity for them. The jealousy is gone and replaced with Pity and Sadness. I feared for so long that he would meet that woman who was so much better than me. He didnt. 43 very good lookin (Super Hot) and has never married and no kids. Sorry that should have been a huge red flag(and it was but I ignored) instead I chose to view it as the "star crossed lovers were not meant to be together" What a load of crap!

sick of it

September 11, 2010 - 12:32am — lisalisa47

Hi S.I.T

It's funny that you said that now - i just found out about one of my narc's indescretions with a girl we both know. She is a really nice person, lost a son, and a total drug addict. But still, I like her.

I sent her a message on FB - let her know that i knew and didn't blame her. OR him, as he needs help. But i mainly wrote her to tell her that i hope she has a good life and wish her the best. And, i mean it. It made me feel good to do that.

She is very sad, and has been through a lot. I don't think she loved him. I think he traded drugs for sex, but of course, i don't know that for a fact. Today, also, I found out a lot of our mutual friends were heartsick that he bragged to them about doing things behind my back, ripping off my parents etc. I absolved them all of any guilt. It helps me to deal. Does that make sense?

yes Lisa it makes sense.

September 11, 2010 - 12:55am — gettinbetter

yes Lisa it makes sense. Mine (round 1) told people horrible things about me. Over the years one by one they have all said for whats its worth we thought you were a really nice girl. What was he thinking? I even shared that with him and I could tell that it bothered him. In true Narc fashion as we were stil in the honeymoon stage he said "I know. No need to rub it in. I do know what I lost" but now that I think back on it he was more like "how dare anyone think you are better than me or think that I need or needed you in anyway" Always an undertone of competitiveness but I digress. So I think back to that girl at work who I think was just thrilled with herself that she stole one of my boyfriends (dont mean to sound conceited but she was substandard for him) and wonder what it felt like for her to experience the d & d and think of me and to herself OMG she wasnt lying. She didnt do all those things he said. Sobering for her Im sure. I cant imagine the stupidity she must of felt and the craziness wondering if he was coming back to me and he was in her car no less. I mean can you believe this: He came over to my house one night professing that he missed me and loved me. When he went to leave he didnt want me to walk him out but I insisted and there it was her freakin care in my driveway! So I told that story to a few people at work and of course it got back to her. He was pissed!I cant believe how embarrased and stupid she felt. Oh wait yes I can! I think her jealousy of me turned to Im jealous that she has moved on and this shit is just beginning for me. So I dont hate her anymore I feel sorry for her and happy for as she didnt last long with him at all. I knew she wouldnt as she was substandard. He only dated her as he wanted to transfer to her department.

MIne wasnt drop dead gorgeous but

September 11, 2010 - 1:27am — lisalisa47

he had this way of connecting with people at their level. Thrown in with a little false humility. He knew how to work them.

I fell for him hook line and sinker. In fact, he used to always comment on how the hell he ever landed someone who looked like me, and was as nice as me. It really seemed to have him confounded. I stil believe he really tried that first year. Then I believe the drugs exacerbated what he was really like, and excelerated what might have taken years. So, in that i am grateful.

I still feel sad sometimes that I didn't mean enough to him to play straight with, but thanks to all of you and this site, i now realize that such things are beyond their comprehension. AND at least i didnt have to go through 20 years of it with him.

I know the lesson in this is to work on me, or history is doomed to repeat itself..uggghhh...that would be a drag. LOL

oh yes sista

September 11, 2010 - 1:44am — gettinbetter

History will repeat itself... When I sit and think how I got involved with this guy again after 15 years of not seeing him or knowing anything about him. It boggles my mind. I will say this though, because I never dealt with issues he left me with in my twenties, I was ripe for the picking. This time around when he began pouring on the charm, I saw as validation as him seeing that he really did f up.

I did read though in the idealization phase that they do really feel those things to the best of their ability albeit it limited. It just that once you slight them in anyway you have fallen from Grace. Sad Part is I dont believe they chose to be this way. They are just mentally handicapped. Its not a choice for them its completely involuntary like breathing or blinking. They are just a freak of nature. It really is sad for them. I believe alot of them know something is wrong with them (atleast i believe mine did) Hes a smart very successful guy. I know he looks around and sees that he doesnt have the kind of relationships that his peers have. I dont know if they know exactly what it is. I just think they know something is quite right. I think its frustrating to them. They keep trying but it never works out for them

Mine was destined to be come a NARC. He was adopted (abandonment issues) His parents spoiled him and he literally was the most popular guy in High School so he had all of the elements in place for his Narcisissm to develop

and isn't it funny

September 9, 2010 - 9:57pm — lisalisa47

like the articles say - they eventually bring on the very ABANDONMENT they fear will happen to them....

Yep

September 9, 2010 - 10:10pm — gettinbetter

Everytime. Only they feel like they controlled it and that they weren't at your mercy.

That should be published.

September 5, 2010 - 5:17pm — Briseis

That should be published. You should start your own blog. That is goddamn hilarious :D

And yeah . . . you'd think he would have jumped out of his skin with scathing discomfort, at having himself be so exposed like that.

But no. He's a Narc. They are the last to know.

perfect description

September 4, 2010 - 2:45pm — sweetsamm

OMG,i love it....sacramento...?,i thought that was my ex's crown....you described the hooker thing perfectly..i left mine after finding out,it's been a year,and it's still hard and i keep finding out more disgusting crap,we have a daughter together,so i'm stuck having to live near by,totally sucks:(

Hi Sweetsamm

September 9, 2010 - 9:58pm — lisalisa47

Your narc was from sacto too? LOL....you'll have to tell me the story sometime...

OMFG, Lisa

September 10, 2010 - 6:49pm — ShaynasMommy

Youre not gonna believe this.

Mine is from sacto and still lives there........

wow, do they all know each other? LOL!

I'm GONE!

September 5, 2010 - 4:34pm — lisalisa47

NC for 15 days since the day they hauled his ass off to jail for running up my elderly parents credit cards. He kept that hidden from me, but didn't think the police would look under the couch LOL

Even more disturbing was a rumor i heard after he got taken about WHERE he got 14,000 to spend on HOOKERS - this while he was claiming to be "working", packing his work shit and tools every 4 days, and claiming NOT to be seeing the hookers I eventually caught wind of.

So, except for the letter i'm sending to his new digs at jail, explaining that he probably now realizes i've left, and where he can pick up his truck, he won't be hearing from me anymore.

This was the hardest thing I had to do, but he crossed the line with my parents - something, like the hooker denials, i am sure he will deny deny deny

Embellish the fantasy without having to deal with intimacy....

September 4, 2010 - 11:34am — TNR1

I will never forget watching a show on Charlie Sheen and a comment that he made about hookers. How he would pay for them to leave. I found that to be rather revealing. Yes, I think Ns want to embellish their fantasy, but they also want no strings attached. Money allows them to get sexual gratification and walk away.

Money as a form of gratification

September 10, 2010 - 9:21pm — Susan32

I think my ex-Psych professor was more of a cerebral narc, than a somatic one who sought sexual gratification. He quoted Arthur Schopenhauer, who believed that the sexual act was "the ultimate crime." He found non-sexual physical affection difficult (and he probably found sexual physical affection even MORE difficult) He seemed to prefer screwing people's minds to actual screwing.

Money was a BIG DEAL with him. He fabricated an entire scenario about me selling copies of one of his essays because I had seen it online. He was PARANOID about it. (I got some validation that the year after the D&D, he had an article online, but now it COST $$$ to read it) When he printed out FOURTEEN copies of his lecture for my classmates and I, he started an argument about how all those copies should have cost. He made a point of saying, "The next time I give a lecture, you'll have to PAY to read it." He complained about not getting paid enough money as a professor (no wonder he married a curator!) When I worked at Taco Bell over the summer, he "pitied" me because it doesn't pay lots of $$$. After the D&D, he coldly said, "I'm a teacher. It's how I get paid money." In my junior year, we had an argument about me volunteering at a local elementary school because I wasn't being paid. I volunteered anyhow. I told him it was about the EXPERIENCE, not the pay (or lack thereof)

We argued about money so much, you would've assumed I moved in with him and had a joint bank account.

ugh

September 4, 2010 - 12:02pm — Bodhi

Yeah... I've watched that E special on Charlie Sheen now a few times and what a sick, sick puppy. I agree that his comment on paying hookers to leave is revealing. He makes no apologies for his bad behavior and it's mind boggling that people put up with his crap. Whenever I hear a Charlie Sheen story, I smile a little bit for Denise Richards... she must feel so validated!!

After we broke up, my ex-narc told me that the best sex he ever had was with this chick he felt no emotions for. So sad, but not my problem anymore.

Insiteful answers

September 4, 2010 - 1:41pm — lisalisa47

Both your answers gave me pause to think of something. Mine once told his ex (who told me) while he was texting his ex wife madly in the car while they were driving, that he texted instead of called "because it was LESS personal that way".

Yeah, that makes sense now.

Lisa Marie

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