Sometimes they don't come back....

Sometimes they don't come back....
Posted September 3, 2010 - 12:57pm
0

It has been a LONG time since I've been to this forum. In doing some rather deep soul searching, I've come to realize that the reason I was here (and reading other forums and reading books about Ns) wasn't necessary to heal myself, it wasn't necessarily to find kindred spirits or to learn ways to move on...no, I was here in the desperate attempt to find anything that would give me a shred of hope of Mr. N coming back (or to learn what I could do to make that happen). This revalation has been rather hard to swallow. I know he's never really been into me or really anything to do with me. I've been a convenient and willing blow up doll and when he was done, I was discarded. Now, I can't exactly blame him for this because I knew what I was getting into. I knew it was only a sexual thing and I convinced myself that my life did not change with or without him. But I find now that I am going through the worst withdrawal symptoms and I want (for lack of a better term) my "drug" back. The issue is, although I haven't moved on, it's quite apparrant that he has. There has not been any contact from him at all after D&D. I might as well never have existed and that goes right to the core of my childhood wound. Growing up in my household, the opposite of love was not hate, but indifference. So, for anyone who finds NC to be extraordinarily challanging, I am right there with you. Sometimes however, despite all we do, they simply move on and don't look back. It is we who have to come to terms with our own struggles to let go and somehow find a way to make each day a little better. Thanks for listening.

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Susan32's picture

Wow!

September 3, 2010 - 1:12pm — Susan32

The ex-Psych professor has NEVER come back into my life. He doesn't email me, doesn't write me... I've occasionally broken NC to talk about my latest successes and happiness... and he acts as if I NEVER existed. (Nope, I haven't sent him NS like "my life is empty without you",or "my heart is broken, you are the LOVE OF MY LIFE" or "I hate your guts and I hope you die in pain")

Now, I admit that after the D&D,I was the one who started the NC. After meeting the girlfriend, I acted as if he didn't exist... even when he hoovered me and sat down next to me.

I HATE the idea of him moving on and not looking back. I WANT him to look back, even when it HURTS him, ESPECIALLY if it hurts him. But of course, when I've broken NC, the tone is simply "Happy happy, joy joy, I've moved on." It's like I want to kick him while he's down (I have NEVER acknowledged his "accomplishments" after the D&D)

Tho there was NO sexual involvement, being used than cast away really hurts. There are times when I'd love to make him apologize, by any means necessary. Don't they call it enhanced interrogation?

onwithmylife's picture

I think many fo these N do not come back as well

September 3, 2010 - 1:38pm — onwithmylife

I like you always had hopes that we could work things out and gone on tos pend the rest of our lives together,we had so much going for us on different levels, but it is hard for me too, to come to terms with the mentall illness of these men and that nothing will change, short of am major life threatening situation and even there no guarantees. My EN use to come back until he moved away and then blames me for going on the internet to make new friends, even though he had broken up with me and then threatens me with stalking charges if i ever go to his precious house, which i would not do anyway. In his dreams he should be so lucky to have a good woman like myself care whether he lives or dies!You just gotta move on with whatever it takes within side of your very being......

Susan32's picture

Didn't see romance in the future

September 3, 2010 - 1:52pm — Susan32

My therapist made a good point--the ex-P sabotaged any chances for SIMPLE FRIENDSHIP. If the ex-P had been honest about his girlfriend, and been GENUINE, heck, I could've been at his wedding! I remember telling him "you should've told me about your girlfriend, so at least I could've been HAPPY for you"--then I added "I wanted you to find a companion--even if it wasn't me." I basically gave him my nuptial blessing (darn it, I could've become a minister over the internet like some of my friends did!)

After the D&D, the ex-P said, "Sometimes a teacher&student remain teacher&student for the rest of their lives... sometimes they become friends".... then he dangled the promise of future friendship. In his head, I was forever frozen, like an insect in amber, as "student." I wanted friendship, and how dare I want CHANGE! Especially when he couldn't. And can't.

I didn't have a romantic/dating relationship with the ex-P,but he had tortured me with the promise of a RELATIONSHIP, even one that was "just friends." After the D&D, he coldly told me "I was NEVER your friend"--so true, and it hurt. What made the ex-P worse was that he mixed lies with the truth... so I could never tell. He said I was projecting my positive qualities onto him... probably he just wanted the praise, but coming here, um, he was right (don't tell him that,no way in Hell)

I have a hard time coming to terms with the fact that my former teacher is EVIL. A psychopath. My friends hated him. His colleagues merely put up with him. Very hard to face.

All I can do is be grateful is that I have a job, I'm alive, not in an insane asylum... and that unlike the OW, I didn't date/marry him and have his babies. There are poor women here who have children with Ns/Ps and THAT is agony--because innocent children are involved.

A year after the D&D, I found out that the ex-P married his curator girlfriend, she had bore him twins (this is 9 year old news) His parents moved in with him to raise his kids.

As my friend said, "You didn't want that drama, did you?"