I woke up in tears again, pls help me feel better today

jaycee

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1 year 30 weeks

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29 weeks 2 days

I woke up in tears again, pls help me feel better today

Posted September 2, 2010 - 7:05am

I woke up in tears again, not that i slept well, but i am grieving again, terribly. Maybe because I know that my hN has no intention of giving up this whore and moving on, and maybe because i know my life with him is completely over, and i dont think it bothers him in the least. Im also sad knowing that he is now totally focusing on her, for the moment, i found out, he stopped seeing the girl from work, out of no where, not that they wont probably start up again, and he blew off the girl hes been with down at the beach, but that was after he was with her last week again. i wish i didnt know so much, i feel better when i know hes cheating on the whore and prowling around for fresh blood, the vampire that he is. i hate when he gets bored with the others and wants to pretend to be committed to this whore. i know, he will be cheating again within weeks, but the weeks he doesnt, kills me. he constantly cheated on me, and there were long stretches where he didnt, thats when the illusion was so good, and thats what this whore is getting right now, a wonderful illusion and shes eating it up. gloating, loving every minute that she was victorious in getting me to throw him out. i want to vomit today, my stomach is so upset. he used to leave work everyday to meet with her for sex when we were still together, he would leave his cell phone off and have people at work lie to me, now when he leaves work, he puts their phone on and calls her so she knows hes only going to get lunch. he never gave me that much respect, but then again, she knows when he left work back then, it was to screw her, so hopefully he does it because he knows she will go crazy, as she did this too me, she might worry about someone doing it to her. i know, im rambling again, so sad so grief stricken over this pos. and by the way, my son had to go back to his base, he was only here for a week, instead of three weeks, but his wonderful father, never contacted him, and then bashed him to me, but never said, i wish i would have seen him, he didnt even care that he didnt see our son, as he hasnt seen him in a year, knowing our son was in the hell of iraq all that time. so i wish i could focus on that and hate him for that, and stop missing the illusion of the man i wanted my H to be.........im just so down and out today, and the long weekend ahead, knowing he will be away with his whore, is killing me...........i pray this too shall pass.........

The Stages of Grief--Grieving the loss of the relationship

September 4, 2010 - 6:56am — Chloe

Jaycee,

I found a site that interested me. Let me reiterate some of what was said: (Aug. 29th The Phoenix)
"Follow it through" Use memories to follow through the act of renewing that habit all the way to deciding to change that habit. So when you are pining your Narcissistic Ex, follow that feeling through. Examine all the experiences, good or bad, follow that train of thought to the point where the only choice was to leave the relationship. During your stroll down memory lane, you will find memories that will attract and repel you. If you are completely honest with yourself, you will conclude that you made the right decision to leave.
Be consistent with your decision. Do not keep in contact with the narcissist. He knows how to manipulate your emotions. Having control over you gives him pleasure. When you reach out to him, you are providing him with Narcissistic Supply. Permit the memories to RULE YOUR SANITY.

The Five Stages of Grief:
1) Denial--looking past what is real with the mindset that isn't what you know it to be
2) Anger--the retaliatory phase where we try to get even or feel jealous
3) Bargaining--Often begins before the actual loss. We make deals to maintain our relationship to pray to whatever Deity we claim for resolution that will keep our lives whole and our relationship in tact.
4) Depression--is probably the worst stage. Complete apathy can cause us to lose interest in everything that IS life. In most cases, it is situational, but even that can be overwhelming.
5) Acceptance--which is much different than resignation. When we come to acceptance, we have absorbed the entire experience and nothing about it stimulates painful feelings.

The Three Stages of Grief by Dr. Roberta Temes
1) Numbness--is our stage of mechanical functioning and social insulation.
2) Disorganization--not being able to handle situations easily--thinking that you can look for rational reasons from an irrational narcissist.
3) Reorganization--re-entry into a more "normal" social life

stages of grief

September 4, 2010 - 7:02am — jaycee

thanks for the great advice, this morning i thought of the way i was living when he was cheating with her and i knew about her, i said to myself, at least i dont have to chase him around and worry if hes with her, cause guess what i know he is hes living with her now. and i logically said to myself, what kind of life was that, but im still sad, and still having a hard time getting out of his web, its killing me........

Allow yourself to heal!

September 4, 2010 - 7:34am — Chloe

Allow yourself to heal! It WILL hurt, but can it hurt any more than you are hurting now? Follow the advice given to you. All of us have been through it or are still going through it. It's very difficult. This is not your "typical" break-up. There is a pathology here, and it's very real.

My thoughts are with you Jaycee

September 2, 2010 - 12:39pm — lisalisa47

That is so heartbreaking, but let me tell you something that I always told myself about ANYONE who treated another person, a significant other, so cruelly. They HATE themselves and so therefore must spread what they feel to others in order to "share" their pain. It sounds incomprehensible, but think of it this way - If you are a happy person, full of light and love, don't you "spread this around" as well?

Well, it is the same for those who hate - anyone who has even a modicum of "like" for themselves does NOT want to intentionally hurt another human being. Your NARC has NOTHING, and inside he knows it, and it KILLS HIM. YOU have everything worth value, and he can't have it, maybe it's more a matter of him not being able to have it than doesn't want. So, in his rage he wants to destroy anyone with anything good.

Does this make sense? Love you sister.

Lisa Marie

my thoughts are with you jaycee

September 2, 2010 - 10:52pm — jaycee

lisa, thank you and you sound right, but why is he loving someone like his whore, who is someone who is nothing but evil and has no good. why wouldnt he destroy her, why just someone like me? his rage is only towards me, not her, because she is as evil as he is, and hes loven her up and leaving me to die inside, i miss him so much, not the evil the illusion of him, i just dont want him with her..........please tell me he will move on from her. please

PS - yes, he will go

September 3, 2010 - 12:24am — lisalisa47

He will move on from her Jaycee - because to stay with someone like himself is even worse for him to have to face than someone with a soul of GOLD, like yourself.....

YOU are gold Jaycee

September 3, 2010 - 12:18am — lisalisa47

Hi Jaycee,

You've just answered your own question, but just got one word wrong. Love. He doesn't LOVE his whore, he relates to her and sees a person as evil as himself in her eyes. in other words - NOTHING GOOD. If there was something good, like in you - he would reach out and try to destroy it.

His rage is towards you because YOU represent those things he WISHES he could FEEL but can only fake, does that make sense? But instead of admitting it (that would make him appear WEAK to himself) he takes it out on you by attempting to cut you down to his level.

And, he's not WITH her, he's not with anyone, not even himself. The hardest thing to let go of is the illusion on the "savior" who made us feel so connected, then jilted us. it is why i hung on for so long, it took the COPS breaking down my door to get me to leave. And, because i know he wrote me 2 letters which i made my neighbor take away and not read to me, there is a part of me that still wants to reach out and stroke his face, and tell him that it will all be OK.

And, one more thing REST ASSURED that the illusion he showed you, he won't be showing HER because she is like him, and he has no need. He envies you my friend. he wants what YOU HAVE inside, but can't, so the only other thing is to seek to destroy it. Kind of like "if i can't have you no one can, not even yourself" but replace HAVE with BE...

you are gold jaycee

September 3, 2010 - 6:45am — jaycee

lisa , thank you for your kind words, i hope you are right that he will move on from her, because his living with her is killing me slowly, and he knows it. how sad you spend twenty four years of your life with someone, who doesnt even care about your feelings, and your well being, only cares about what he wants, how he feels, its so sad, im so sad, i know he is a piece of crap and i know i deserve better, but i miss the illusion i miss the lies of how he could never love anyone but me, as he is loving her now, well, pretending to love her, or he thinks he loves her, i dont know the answers, i do know he denies loving her and being happy, but he lies so who knows the truth, i do know he tells her everything she wants to hear, unfortunately, shes not smart enough to know what he did with her, hes doing to her. but he needs a homebase, and it looks like its working out fine for him there, he can lie, cheat, and manipulate even the most evil of women, and she is evil, sometimes i wonder if she is a narcississt too, she like him has to be at the gym everyday, tanning, although she is quite ugly and is much younger than she looks, shes fifteen years younger than me, but looks ten years older. shes pathetic as is he, but i wonder could two narcs live together happily? i hope not, but i do know he treats her way better than he did me, they go places all the time, he never took me anywhere, but she does pay for everything, including his illegal steroids, she was his supplier for a long time, whenever he didnt have the money for them, hed go back to her and shed pay for them, they are both sick and twisted, but i just dont want him to be with her, i want him to move onto the next, pls tell me he will. as i am so sad again today..............

Sweetie, I think MOVE ON is

September 3, 2010 - 11:55am — lisalisa47

Sweetie,

I think MOVE ON is something NARC's never do, I think they are STUCK ON STUPID is more like it.

WE will move on, and leave them to their same tired old game. Yes, 2 narcs can live together, but happily? Not when the two narcs are out to fuck other people over. Because this means they will fuck each other over at some point - and what is more, they BOTH know it.

In her case, she sounds more like a pathetic mess than a narc. She pays for EVERYTHING? Including his illegal steroids? Well, my friend - she is trying to buy his false love, and he is staying there for 1. the adoration that he is not the failure he KNOWS he is and 2. the money.

My NARC did the same thing to me. I paid for everything but at the beginning of our relationship, I told him that I was not "the typical female", meaning he could come and go as he liked, and I would do the same. What i meant by that was, i had just come out of an 18 year relationship with the man i mentioned in one of my blog posts as the "Master", and i wasn't heavy into getting into another one, especially with a dying man. But i did promise to hang around, be a friend with benefits and do everything i could to help him fight his illness.

I guess he saw a great opening there, turning on all the charm and that's when i fell in love. My point is - while the money was there, and without patting myself on the back, i have to say i'm holding my own in the looks department at 47, his friends would make comments even, my NARC was "happy" if you could call it that. He had a pretty GF, who was sweet and not jealous, could hang with his friends, was intelligent and wrote songs and articles, AND PAID FOR EVERYTHING his heart desired.

I am generous with money when i have it. BUT, since i was going through a divorce, my credit suffered when the companies started cutting off people at what they owed, even when they were making their payments on time. I lost my job, got laid off, was always home, and became NORMAL AND BORING to him. That's when things changed.

this is what your NARC is experiencing with his new dogfriend. (sorry, my inside voice gets away from me sometimes lol).

If it makes you feel ANY better, your EX NARC probably does love you in his own sick way. Like my almost sister in law emailed me last night "he always had a GOOD girl to love, beautiful, kind, caretaker, so he had a HOME base" But that kind of love is only OK if you are a STEPFORD wife robot with no feelings, and it's false anyway.

I know you don't think you are moving on Jaycee, but you are. You are just by being here and reaching out for others who understand. By questioning things. By looking for a new job. Just remember, it's ALWAYS darkest before the DAWN, and that is what you are going through right now.

If you haven't already done so, check out the video i posted here called The best narcissist song ever - listen to the words and watch the actual video (which i just noticed myself after Lisa E. commented on it) It's like our war cry.

Love,

Lisa

- (a side note, we are actually very good friends, as he does have compassion, and he is helping me out till i get my place, and i LOVE his girlfriend,she's a sweetheart)

sweetie i think move on is

September 3, 2010 - 12:46pm — jaycee

lisa, thank you again, as i am so sad today, but in one post you said he will move on, in this it sounds like you think he will stay for the adoration and money. pls tell me he will move on from that pathetic whore, and just move on from one to the next till he dies old fat alone..........lol......and like you, i was the cool, beautiful, not jealous wife, let him have so much freedom, did everything for him, and allowed him to do as he pleased, all the guys i know, say i would kill for a wife like you, and ill be 46 and look very young and am very hip and still very pretty, not being conceited, but i have to at least know that about myself. and am sure you are the same......but pls tell me do you believe wholeheartedly, he will leave this whore someday, soon i hope.........let me know

Well i posted my picture, not the best no make up LOL

September 3, 2010 - 3:57pm — lisalisa47

Hi Jaycee

What I meant is he will MOVE on to the next pathetic attempt at proving to himself through another person that he isn't the mess he knows he is.

Yes, his little "sugar mama" is only temporary. And, i'm sure that any other woman he tries to get with as a "replacement" for you - you know one he could show off as a trophy wife, like you are - won't have one tenth of your heart and style, or anything else you seem to possess. Even if they are GOOD women, they will NEVER be YOU, and he will know this. Just as mine will, once he figures out that the reason he hasn't heard from me, and the reason his jail letter from me telling him i am outta there, is something I'm standing by.

After the rage, the poisonous lies, and the "i don't care" attitude I have seen him adopt with everyone, and so i know it will be the same with me. After all that is spent in him, he will know on some level that he FUCKED up, and will forever being searching again for that "perfect" one to destroy in his sickness. Just like yours is doing, and will be doing forever. Unfortunately, it seems to be the same for all narcissitic men of this caliber. So, in this - we are all collectively the same wife of the same twisted man.

well i posted my picture

September 3, 2010 - 4:29pm — jaycee

lisa, you look great, you look so young and you look happy......even if its for the moment.........i wish i could smile like that again, but right now, i cant, i pray you are right and he will move on from his little sugar mama, his dirty whore, who doesnt even care how much she helped destroy my life......she laughs in my face......she gloats, she feels victorious............nice girl huh............thanks lisa, keep talking to me..........

Baby steps girly

September 3, 2010 - 4:45pm — lisalisa47

You are my age but a year younger, and i'm sure you look very young too. I am usually happy, but for that photo i had to pin my smile up with clothes pins. LOL

Remember something about people who try to destroy your life - they can only do what you let them do. No, she didn't destroy your life, you still have it. You have to take baby steps to reclaim it, is all.

The first one you took was coming here. And that was a GIANT step. The second one can be the job interview you went to. The third one is up to you, but try to make it something you don't find so hard to do. Like mabye removing his picture, or somthing else that reminds you of him.

That online blog i started and just made public? That helped me vent and rage at him, because he wouldn't allow me to speak of any of what he considered my "criticisms" of him. I have now started writing in it again, because I need to vent on the aftermath, i just did my first new post today. maybe you should try to do something like that. Those are all steps in becoming concerned with YOU first - and kids of course.

love lisa

baby steps girly

September 3, 2010 - 7:12pm — jaycee

baby steps, lisa, its been five months, how much smaller can my steps get....i cant deal im freaking out tonite, i want to vomit and scream and roll over and die, knowing they are off on a long weekend mini vaca....as i sit home crying........and by the way, you look so familiar, i wish you were someone i knew, we could go to the aerosmith concert together, now that would be fun..........can i ask what state you are in..........or is that too personal........

Have you ever been to the STATE of Confusion? LOL

September 3, 2010 - 8:07pm — lisalisa47

When i'm not living in the state of confusion, i reside in california.

No, it's not too personal to ask me. I am between towns right now. I am 47, and you said you are 45 right?

have you ever been to the state of confusion?

September 4, 2010 - 6:14am — jaycee

Now thats funny lisa, Im 45 yes, but I live clear across the country, so now, its just you look familiar.......ive never even been to california.........i heard its beautiful.......but no never been, glad that wasnt to personal..........thanks for writing, im so down right now, cant even function..........

thanks for all the replies

September 2, 2010 - 11:28am — jaycee

thank you guys i know you are all correct and i am by nature an assumer, so i assume they are in bliss, and the info i do get is very correct, but maybe its just this week hes not talking to the others, or screwing the others. next week is a different week as he is up and down and all around. hes nuts and has mood swings like crazy people.........because he is crazy people. thanks you guys would love to hear more

Jaycee..

September 2, 2010 - 10:31am — blueeyes

I am not as far along as you and maybe I have no right to say anything because i am married to my N and have contact and living together ect..BUT I really really think that you should feel better that the whore gets what she deserves...HE WILL CHEAT ON HER....He most likely is, you and she just don't know about it...He is slime and she is getting slimmed not you!

Once you see him for what he

September 2, 2010 - 10:02am — tigger73

Once you see him for what he truly is, it will be easier. I am now moving past the anger of him screwing is new girlfriend that is 10 years younger than him in my new home, to anger that I was SOOOO naive for so long. This man is sick. I say it honestly. I can't stand him, and yesterday and today were the first days that I really felt like that.....something just clicked in my brain. I am now more pissed that I am raising these kids 100% on my own, while he is playing in his volleyball leagues, boating on the weekends and screwing his girlfriend, while I am running my ass around to every dentist, ortho, appt, school physical appt, grocery store, basketball practices for 13 yr old, voice and dance lessons for both older kids and potty training a 2 yr old. What nerve this SOB has. I have a very hard time even looking at him. I filed for divorce so it was my choice to leave, BUT I am angry at myself today too because I chose such a vile person and saw a million red flags in the beginning. I think I have done so much reading and being on this website and seeing such similiar stories....it's can't be a coincidence that we all have the same story, just a different name. HE is pathological, and that means he cannot be changed, and he, yours and mine, will do this for the rest of their lives. I DO NOT want to be a part of it. I want nothing to do with his drama and sickness. Can you block people from your life that give you information? That last thing I want is to know this MF's whereabouts. In the beginning I was obcessesd. Now, if I think someone is going to share something with me, I stop them in their tracks. NO!! Because, these narcs only care about them and give 2.5 shits about us. He can have no more of my energy. I need to keep my energy and give it to HEALTHY people, especially the 3 healthy little people here in my home. Screw him.

" I know that my hN has no

September 2, 2010 - 10:02am — betty2020

" I know that my hN has no intention of giving up this whore and moving on, and maybe because i know my life with him is completely over, and i dont think it bothers him in the least. Im also sad knowing that he is now totally focusing on her".

predicting the future__
You do not know he has no intention of giving up his whore, its impossible to have that capability. You do not know what will happen in the next 5 minutes dear. He could get hit by a train. Its the realty, we simply dont know.

Heres the bigger question you need to start asking yourself. Do you really want this unhealthy person back in your life? If so, what has happened inside of you to make you think you are unworthy and not deserving of better? How does he give you something that is missing inside of you? These are questions i would ponder on for today.

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Depending on others opinions and choices to validate you

September 2, 2010 - 9:52am — Cgrl

I am guessing you feel like crap because he chose these
other women over you.

They are no better than you. They only got sucked in.

This is your excape. Your chance to get away. YOUR CHANCE
TO LAUGH IN THE FACE OF THIER SOON TO BE PAIN AND ANQUISH.

You are mourning a cheat and a liar- think about this.

A man who will do the same to them and probably already
has.

Be thankful - kiss the ground. He has giving you a great
opportunity to find a man who loves you and treats you
wonderfully.

heal - get better - go find him.

jaycee

September 2, 2010 - 8:32am — Used

can i ask how you know he isnt seeing these other woman.

jaycee

September 2, 2010 - 8:57am — jaycee

used, my friend works in the same building as the one he works with and she talks alot. she has not shame, but she doesnt know we are friends, as for the one at the beach my best friend lives there and they know mutual friends, no connection to me, and to prove their gossip correctly i have access to his phone records, and his accounts, when he is with one, its always the phone, with the other its always the cc with motel charge. but as of this week both were said they are not screwing around anymore and or he blew me off after sex last friday......sucks to know, and by the way thank you for your reply, i replied back to you on the other post would you read and rereply pls..........

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