In emotional vampires, the book talks about what happens when normal people have a relationship with a Cluster B PD. The books compares normal people to Toyotas and PDd people to Ferraris. Normal people (Toyotas) are reliable, they perform, they may be a little "dull" (perhaps practical is a better word) and they do the maintenance stuff to keep their lives running as smoothly as possible.

Disordered people (Ferraris) are unreliable, perform only half the time and the other half are in the shop (or in bed depressed/non-functioning), are intoxicating and exciting and don't do any maintenance (boring stuff) to keep their lives running smoothly because that is beneath them.

Neither of these types in and of themselves are a problem unless a Toyota and a Ferrari try to have a relationship (of any kind, professional, friendly, intimate). The Toyotas like the excitment of the Ferrari but they suffer by expecting the Ferrari to be exciting but reliable at the same time. They simply are incapable of being reliable (or healthy) because they are disordered. And the disorder is a long-standing, permanent manner of thinking and behaving. Therapy or prescribed medications may help the Ferarri 'manage' his unhealthy thought patterns and/or behaviors - but it's only management. It's not true change. They cannot change these things because somewhere along the way, they stopped growing emotionally and are incapable of future growth.

And it's the Toyotas who suffer because they love the Ferrari but cannot help but feel betrayed when he can't be the reliable yet exciting person they crave. We have to accept that the Ferrari will never be the ideal partner, lover, husband, or parent that we wanted them to be. They simply cannot be that person.

So, what does this mean for us? If we can accept that they will never be who we want them to be and if we can accept a relationship in which we will always be maniupated, lied to, deceived and gaslighted - if the excitement and other nice things that the N brings to our lives are worth our self esteeem and mental health, well then we decide to keep them in our lives. We accept their crumbs because we can't bear to not have them around.

But, if we instead focus on ourselves and not them and stop trying to turn them into Toyotas with a Ferrari paint job ... then we realize that investing any more energy into them is futile. And it's better to invest in ourselves.

I thought my boyfriend had a chance. He is the one who first confessed he was afraid he might be a narcissist. Then after a comment he made to me we approached the possibility again. He looked up the symptoms read them to me and even asked if i thought he should see a therapist. I said of course, everyone should see one. It never hurts and everyone has something they can talk about. 4 weeks later he dumped me and it is firmly my belief that he bolted like he did because he all the sudden couldnt face the reality that he may have NPD. It has been a month since the breakup and things have gotten uglier and uglier it is very obvious that if he does seek help it will NOT be anytime soon! So until the events of the last month i would have said he was more "mild" and possibly savable but now...