Used, I like your comment about the wilderness years. I'd have to think of mine as the domesticated decades, I became such a housecat completely stripped of my wild nature and intuition. Too much shopping and soap opera drama, not enough driving through the desert or camping in the mountains.

When I told them how distressed I was at not being able to read, my bff and boyfriend helped me by starting a competition, whoever reads the most pages between June 1 and January 1 wins and gets a prize. Neither of them knew me well before all the drama so little do they know what a reader I really used to be! When I got to 5,000 pages (in fairness I'm not working full time right now so had time) they both folded :) Anyway I've slowed down but that was all I needed to get my mojo back, I'm enjoying that so much now. Very grateful to them for giving me a boost.

And I guess I'm pretty competitive!

Jen, even books about drama/love etc. but mostly I'm choosing other stuff. LOL I lived it why read about it? I could write the book! We all could.

i am sorry to hear things are tough, and you will miss him,this is what i was told when i said i missed him once, no you dont you miss the situation, well i pondered over this for ages, and my conclusion was i missed , what i thought it was it wasent ,in my head i choose to ignore all the horrible parts and think of the good, a freind told me to write out the good and bads i think there were three goods, i cant even remember now, but the bads went into double figures. there was no good days, just good acting days.xxxxx

Just googled it. The weight on your chest is a symptom of grief. It is literally grief.

Read this quote I found

"Grief is like having a heavy weight on your chest. You have trouble breathing. Sometimes your body takes deep sighing breaths in an attempt to get more oxygen. Sometimes you have anxiety attacks. And your heart actually aches. The location of your grief spot is right under your sternum close to your heart. It’s no wonder that your chest hurts."

I have no idea but it was the most identifiable and consistent sign of my stress and my grief and hurt and sadness... need I go on. I always wondered if it had to do with my heart being so broken. Sounds pathetic I know. But it was real.

to when I was that 26 year old girl that walked in his house and found another girl whom we both worked with at his house. We got in a physical altercation in front of her. I remember crying and crying to my mom I was hysterical. That pain so deep. I had never felt pain that deep in my entire life. It was so traumatic that I did not contact him at all. Two months went by. I got a promotion and the pain was subsiding. It was published in our firms newsletter (the promotion that is). That night when I got home there was a message on my answering machine. "Just want to tell you congratulations on your promotion" as if nothing ever happened. It was a ploy to see if I would call him and I did. He told me how sorry he was and that we needed to spend some time together. We never spent much time together after that. I think he only wanted to see if he still had my heart or if he had gone too far and ruined things permanently. He wanted to keep me as back up supply.

My mom worried about me so much back then. I could see my pain on her face. I think she felt my pain. I can remember her shaking me saying "What! What does he have on you!" and her hugging me so tight. She wanted to take that pain away from me so badly but she knew she couldnt