Was totally shocked, N emailed me yesterday to wish me a happy bday, nice wishes, and flattered me (as always)...

emailed me right when he woke up in the am...

I just feel so numb though. For decades, I was so excited whenever I received any vmail, text, email from him... but now, I dread opening the email and it has no impact on me whatsoever.

I could care less...probably because I have to now take everything with a grain of salt. And have to constantly ask myself "what does he want from me. Is he emailing me for my bday just because he wants a reference down the road?"

Just hate being so jaded and so mistrusting now. It is sad not to be able to take anything for face value anymore and to be looking for an ulterior motive with everything...

Blah..