Helldweller, you need to listen to these posts. You have helped me several times with your posts. You are an amazing woman. I so understand. I have a second home in the country just a few houses down from my exN. I haven't been to that home in a year!! It's a beautiful home in the woods and I rent it out on the weekends to people just so that I don't ever go there. Once I went there about a year ago and I looked out my window to see if he was there was "something" else. Though I couldn't really see anything, I could feel the anxiety, frustration, hate,and electrical charge building up in my system. There is no way ANYONE could live next to their Narc. Not even Wonder Woman or Superman could do it. Perhaps Jesus could because Jesus would just feel pity for him. You MUST move now. YOU MUST. Don't think about how or if, you just pack your things and move!! He will notice that. He will probably even try to call you when you are gone because that is how sick they are. But forget about him. It's only about your children now. Believe me. Believe us. I have been foolish so many times. Even now, I still break NC. I am not as strong as I would like to be. But, if I were in your shoes, there would be NO QUESTION. I would move. I couldn't take seeing his bullshit. You are a great woman. You have been through hell. Get away. Get away now before it's too late. Please, please. Even though I don't personally know you, I feel what you are feeling and it hurts me too. We all know here on this site. Please get away from him. Your life and your kids are far to valuable for this awful man. Please do it for your kids. You will feel so much better quickly. Getting out of the environment is extremly theraputic. That is what my counselor told me. Please listen. LOVE YOU!! ACgirl.

Helldweller- I am so sorry for where you are at right now. I have been there and it was PTSD adrenalin rushes that were driving me to do crazy things. During my divorce from narc #1, I took a sledge hammer to my own car because I found out that my husband moved my baby's car seat to have sex with the OW in MY car. I took permanent markers and wrote on his underwear delightful things like, "Slut, liar, pig, and 'not tonight-I have a wife." I would have never ever behaved like this in a million years but after 8 years of solid mental, physical,emotional,financial and verbal abuse and infidelity, I lost it. I even called all the women who were brazen enough to screw around with him while I stayed home caring for my kids and baking cookies for sick people at church. My PTSD got really bad when I jumped out of a moving car onto a gravel road to get away from him. Anxiety attacks all the time back then. I am lucky I wasn't hurt. The prolonged cruelty pushed me over the edge when he flaunted his affairs in my face intentionally. I feel your pain and your rage and understand it completely. To this day, this man has no remorse, blames me, and says I am a pyscho who caused him to cheat and abuse. The narcs will never get it. They are disordered. I am sorry.

Take care of yourself. If you wouldn't let your best girlfriend do something, then don't let yourself do it. (My mantra) If you can,completely cut all contact with this jerk for your mental health sake and for your children. I know this is hard to do. These creeps are crazy makers. I had to go into anger/self-esteem/trauma counseling. I moved away from him and our house because the house was a trigger. I quit talking to him. I was badly traumatized to the point where I was talking to myself, not sleeping, had flashbacks,and lost tons of weight. It took me 6 months of NC to stop. Take care of yourself so you don't lose your health. Can you get rid of everything that reminds you of him? A couch is just a couch but your kids are precious. Keep them close to you and try to ride out the anxiety if you can. I tell myself that it will pass and I will be fine in a little while. I deep breathe and meditate. In the heat of the moment, it felt good to act out the rage I felt for having been mistreated, but after that, it made me feel bad about myself. I know how hard it is not to lose control. You have every right to feel rage for the way that this man has hurt you. It is healthy to be angry and it is part of healing. It will get better. Hang in there....

When the ex-P sabotaged my teaching job with false allegations of "danger to children",I KNOW he wanted a reaction. If I had smashed his windshield or glued his locks, he would've been a One Man Hand Band... he WOULD HAVE relished it. Still, I stayed NC (and didn't give him my home phone or address) despite being in the same city. As long as I lived in the same city, the danger was there.

Your rage and disgust ARE understandable. The ex-P WANTED to see me go psycho and insane. A confrontation between his fiancee and I was something he would've enjoyed.

Please, you have to find a way to get out of this place. Have you considered moving? Are you able to? This is a situation where YOU end up looking like the "woman scorned going crazy"--and you're a GOOD WOMAN. He did you wrong. He wronged you deeply. What you do with your anger is your decision.

Save yourself and your daughters. He wants to see you go crazy. Your ULTIMATE STRIKE upon him is to capitalize on your publishing success, move on (leave him in the dust-hope he finds it delicious!), and BE SANE. You are a SANE woman. He gets off of seeing you lose control. Let go of that.

I agree with the other posts. I understand you, but this has to stop as soon as possible. You need to get out there - now. Is there anyway? Can you move to a friend, to your mother, family member right now? I don't know the whole story why you can't move out now, if is financial, is there anyone who can help you out?

Helldweller, it won't get better, till you have huge space between you and him. You are acting out, cause you feel helpless. But you are not! You can do this, get yourself out of this situation. Get yourself away from people who bring out the darkest side of you.

I did some crazy stuff too, I invented stories to get some reaction from him, this was a turning point for me, asking myself, who the hell have I become, I am woman who starts inventing stories to get attention, I don't want to be that person, it needs to stop now.

Please, get yourself help, ask someone to help you to get away from there! You don't have to do it alone.

Hon, there's nothing else to do but get a grip on yourself. You've glued his locks, smashed his windshield and now thrown your couch out on the lawn. That doesn't include all the other less dramatic things that have happened.

You didn't do any of these things against your own will. At the time, they felt exactly right to do.

There's something happening inside of you that is very destructive. There's no softening this, or blaming it on him and the stress of him refusing to give you closure.

Something is wrong. The good new is, that you are capable of getting some help, and doing the work on yourself.

Take your life a ways into your own future. What will your children think of your behavior, when they are old enough to judge you as adults? You too have to live with your actions, what will you have to live with?

This isn't his fault. This is all your behavior. Only you can do something about it before it escalates into something you really can't live with. What if CPS got a call about this stuff? We here understand where you are coming from, but your neighbors or some witness might not :(

Try to think of all the consequences. Not to beat yourself up or hate yourself . . . but to get the motivation to get some help for yourself. It's not about him anymore :(