Someone tell me how to deal with these mixed emotions and read my sad story

I had a really hard time today, I was overjoyed with the fact I was picking my son up at the airport after not seeing him for over a year as he was in Iraq. Yet, I was so emotional because, as you know I threw his N father out while he was over serving our Country. This was the first time I saw him since all of this devastation had occured and the first time I was able to hug him and thank God he came back to me whole and alive. So these mixed emotions really threw my for a loop, when I saw my son I held him for dear life, and cried so hard, not only because I missed him and was so relieved the stress of his deployment was finally over for now, as he will go to Afghanistan next year, oh God. I also cried for the both of us, because I know deep down as much as he says he hates his father and calls him a piece of shit, there is a part of him that would have loved to have had both parents greet him and welcome him home, it has to hurt somewhere inside, as my son knew his whole life his father never really cared for him. My hN always resented our son, as he was my whole world, as much as I adored my hN my son always came first, I could have cared less if the world crashed around me, as long as I had my son, the baby I loved before I even knew him, from the minute I found out I was pregnant I loved this child and knew I would die before I would ever allow anything to happen to him, but in the same regard, look at the father I chose for him, I was young, only twenty five when I had him and I still had figured out that my husband was an N, so I just assumed mothers love their children more, i covered for his dad, wore my mask, allowed the illusion of a family, and the whole time, my son knew, he told me he knew ever since he was a little boy that his father was a piece of shit, yet he still in some ways, very little ways, wanted some validation from that fn N. So today, my dream of my husband and I picking our son up at the airport, was no longer, I did it myself, I drove the two hours alone, waited at the arrival gate, and saw my son, my beautiful wonderful son, my hero, all by myself, and he knew how devastated I was, but knew with all his heart I was there for him, as I have always been there for him, he hugged me so hard and said mom, please dont cry, Im here, Im safe, I love you and I know how much you love me. Then he said Mom, you are skin and bones please start eating for me, as I have never been this thin, its obviously very noticable, I tried to put on a few pounds before he came home, but the stress and saddness eats at me and I can barely take a bite to eat. I just wish I could learn to deal with such mixed emotions, Im sure all of you have been there, please tell me how I can take one emotion and put it away, so I can focus on my happy emotion over the homecoming of my son...............