I am struggling..

12 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Aug 8 - 10PM
sarah787
sarah787's picture

I am struggling..

I don't know if my ex was a narc, but those have you who have read my story know that it was an unhealthy relationship.
We've been broken up for nearly 6 months, and I'm at 17 days of NC. The longest I've made it without speaking to him since the break up was 34 days. I've always initiated contact. We slept together a month ago. We were just going to talk, but the second we saw each other he started kissing me. I let him take advantage of me. He dated a beautiful girl 1 month after we broke up. He admitted to having sex with her, and I still slept with him. I also slept with him without protection.

I begged for him back, and he told me that he wants me to go love someone else, but also told me he hopes maybe one day we will find our way back to each other.
SO…what more do I need to hear? Why can’t I just snap out of it? Why would I ever want to spend my life with someone that can give me up so easily? Have sex with me knowing I’m hurting so much?

My self-esteem is shot. I still feel like I screwed things up. While some days I am so strong, I know deep down I’m hoping he will contact me. Not because I want to spend my life with him, but because I want my dignity back. I want to feel worthy, wanted, beautiful again. He was my first boyfriend at 21. Now I’m 23 and guys don’t want to date me. I can’t stop crying. I miss him so much.

Aug 9 - 8AM
sparky2009
sparky2009's picture

I was you . I thought no one

I was you . I thought no one would want me and I was still that young. I kept taking the jerk back and now I have two kids . RUN NOW ! You will regret it if you don't. The only way to get your power back is stop communicating with him . I haven't talked to my ex in ages and I finally see through him . Sleeping with him only keeps your blinders on longer. Trust me I live with the guilt every day of what my children will have to go through with no father. Don't keep playing with fire because the burns get worse the longer you play.
Aug 9 - 8AM
NinjaGirl
NinjaGirl's picture

You are SO young. You're

You are SO young. You're only 23. And how do you know guys don't want to date you? If they don't, maybe it's because they sense you aren't ready to date them, and they'd be right. I think right now would be an excellent time to figure out who YOU are. You want your ex to contact you so that you can get your dignity back? If you look up the definition of the word "dignity" you might see things like "inherent" and "innate", but never will you see that dignity is something people have as a result of something else. I showed dignity when I refused to answer my ex's last email to me. I showed dignity when I refused to cry over him ever again. Dignity comes from WITHIN *YOU*. You can have dignity regardless of what anyone or everyone else thinks. You write "Not because I want to spend my life with him, but because I want my dignity back. I want to feel worthy, wanted, beautiful again. He was my first boyfriend at 21. Now I’m 23 and guys don’t want to date me. I can’t stop crying. I miss him so much." Your first sentence and your last sentence contradict each other. You're clearly still hung up on this guy. You don't want dignity. You want him to want you because your self-esteem is shot. Unfortunately, this guy is part of the problem that's contributing to your low self-esteem. I am SO PROUD of you for how long you're remained NC, and I think you are moving forward, because you have strong days as well as not so strong days. I occasionally still have down days, too. They're pretty rare, and I've gotten to the point where I can think about my ex and not feel much of anything, but on occasion I feel sad to have lost a friend, because he was a decent friend, just not a decent boyfriend. However, I find that MOST of the time I don't even think about him. I'm too immersed in my own life. Not this past weekend, but the weekend before, we had our grandmaster fly in from Japan, and a bunch of martial artists from all around the country and the world visiting our city, and we had a big martial arts seminar that spanned the entire weekend. Well, between volunteering to help out and actually attending the seminar, working my butt off, learning new sword techniques, talking to people I hadn't seen in a while, I was too busy having fun to think about my ex even a single time over the entire weekend! What are you doing with your life that's fun? What goals are you working on? Who are you spending time with?
Aug 9 - 8AM (Reply to #9)
wholeagain
wholeagain's picture

You're a great example NinjaGirl

Always glad to see you on the board in the midst of your busy happy life (yay you! :)
Aug 9 - 8AM (Reply to #10)
NinjaGirl
NinjaGirl's picture

I'm sorry I haven't been

I'm sorry I haven't been around much. The three weeks previous to last week were crazy at work and I was very tired each night, and then last week I just basically recovered from the martial arts-filled weekend. But now I'm good to go again! :) I missed you guys.
Aug 9 - 7AM
Used
Used's picture

sarah787

he told you to find someone else, b/c he know,s you wont, he wouldnt say it if he thought you would, every word these cretin,s say is selfserving. sarah the moment you begged him to come back, you told him you didnt want anyone else, my 2 n,s wouldnt have said this to me,b/c in this area, they were unsure of me, my n said once after an argument in a restaraunt, well go and sit with him[a friend of mine was also in there[ so i did, i got up and joined him, and took my food, left the narc sitting there looking like he was having a coronary, after he said you called my bluff, i said i always will. he didnt do it again, but who[me] wants to be in a friendship or relationship that is a battlefield. to tell them you like them,love them beg them, to show them any sort of weakness, and they have got you, he use to say to me tell me you love me ,i said i cant cos i dont. as for you having sex with him, put it in a box and lock it, you are 23 honey, your whole life in front of you, dont waste anymore time beating your self up over this lowlife.
Aug 8 - 11PM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

find our way back to each other?

Who says crap like that to someone he loves? Run away, far away. The number one thing about these vermin is that they totally transform what we feel is normal: meeting someone, liking them, spending increasing amounts of time with them, falling in love . . . and then they pull back, but not normally. Insanely. A normal person would say: I'm a bit scared, but I really like you. A freak says: go love someone else and we'll meet on the road. Sick, sick sick
Aug 8 - 10PM
betty2020
betty2020's picture

Honey this is all a very

Honey this is all a very normal reaction that takes place. We cry, we question, we try to bargain, we get angry, have immense sorrow and pain and this cycles itself. Some days are better than others and some days are flat out horrible. The self esteem and dignity begins to return when you go no contact and the process of Recovery is underway. The relief will come. 1. No contact. No text, emails, family or friends. No exceptions to this. 2. Stick close to the board. Ask lots of questions. lots of posts READ READ READ Clarity will come Sorry that im a broken record to some out there but this is vital. only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Aug 9 - 8AM (Reply to #5)
wholeagain
wholeagain's picture

Betty

Probably none of us can ever hear this too many times! And it is true that the route to sanity and dignity and self esteem is to cut that cord completely. The minute I stray from it even by 3rd party information I suffer for it. Sarah, hang in there--keep going with NC. You're young, and you deserve someone who wants you and only you. And not "someday", but always.
Aug 8 - 10PM
almostlydia
almostlydia's picture

I agree with agnesmurphy

I agree with agnesmurphy completely. I read your story. You are far too young to be thinking these things as if you have no future at 23. My God girl. You have a whole life ahead of you and one pathetic man can not take down a good woman. I know it hurts. And I don't doubt that his bad behavior had a great deal to do with your clinginess, jealousy, etc... In a good relationship, trust removes the insecurity and trust is something both parties work towards. What were you like before your relationship with him? This is the first place to start. When you can distinguish between what you know you are versus what he told you are, then move on from there. If he is an N then the stories here will sound familiar? Some men are just a**holes. From your story, I'm not sure which applies except that it was not healthy for you and you are heartbroken. This is when we have to work on ourselves to move forward. Wallow in it for a while but never lose site of how much life there is for you to live. One thing I have learned at 51 is that life is an interesting journey with a lot of bumps in the road that only adds to our experience and gives us the strength we need for the next bump. I know it doesn't mean a lot when your heart is broken but it will when the pain begins to subside. For now, read the other stories and posts here. If nothing else you will see you are not alone in your pain.

almostlydia

Aug 8 - 10PM
Janet
Janet's picture

Stay away from him - NC

Stay away from him - NC forever. Be kind to yourself, therapy is great. Self-esteem can be built up, to a sustainable place, a place where you value yourself too much to be treated poorly. Take some time without a man or even thinking about a date for a while. Focus on being the amazing person you are. Be your own idol. Be someone little girls want to grow up to be like. Staying NC is key. Peace. J

Peace. J

Aug 8 - 10PM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

So Sorry

I know this is so hard. But everything will get better. Stay away from him. Don't waste another precious moment on this man. "Now I'm 23 and guys don't want to date me." What's up with this? Are you too old? This is nonsense. Maybe you're too depressed to be dating right now. You are young & plenty of men will want to date you. However, it sounds like your heart is broken. "he told me that he wants me to go love someone else, but also told me he hopes maybe one day we will find our way back to each other." What a LOAD OF CRAP! Read these comments here on this board. Over & over & over -- all these guys say this. Now why would one want something with a person in the future when they don't want it in the present? Because he's got something better in the present (new supply, ie, new woman). But, if in the future, he's at a loose end without a woman, maybe he'll find his way back for some comfort. Basically, you have the privilege to be on the back burner for when he's ready to snack. Forget him! Move on. Wash that man out of your hair. Go out & do something for yourself. No matter how small. Work out at the gym, preferably a class with music & other people to distract you. A pedicure/manicure. A bathtub full of bubbles, scent & candles. Anything to make you feel good about yourself.