This really bothers me and I don't know why

This really bothers me and I don't know why
Posted July 31, 2010 - 7:37pm
0

I've been NC with KeN for about one month after he coldly dismissed me when I questioned his motives....

So I get an email from him.... a cold one... basically telling me that one of his headhunters has been trying to reach me and asking me to please respond to him saying "I am a big fan of loop closure!"

Well, this headhunter is a big boy, he can contact me again if he really wants to talk to me. I don't need to talk to him... and I'm busy!

And where in the hell does KeN get off telling me he is a big fan of loop closure, when he didn't have the decency to talk to me re: ending our relationship when I told him I wanted to talk???

I guess he is a big fan of closing loops when it doesn't result in discomfort for him. And probably somehow, he is still riding on my reputation with other people even though he DD'd me.

Why does this make me so angy??? I'm not sure I have a right to be angry about this? Is it because he is trying to control my actions even though he is gone? Or like he still owns me even though he is gone? And because he doesn't have the courtesy to answer my questions?

‹ We are here for you, Betty. The worst thing he said to you ›
Briseis's picture

Unbelievable nerve!!

July 31, 2010 - 9:17pm — Briseis

I would hate to be in your position. The things that would be going through my head would send me to Hell in a jiffy.

I am angry at him and I'm not even YOU LOL!! It is astounding the lack of limits on their shame.

No response, no response, to either of them. Think of the poor headhunter. The best message is silence, in my opinion :)

Susan32's picture

So much for closure...

July 31, 2010 - 9:00pm — Susan32

You have EVERY right to be angry. Ns (and especially Ps) get off of giving you what you DON'T want. Tell them your needs--and you'll blithely be ignored, or negated. It sounds like your ex-N wants your help SO BADLY,and now is the time to shove him under the karma bus! It would benefit him more than you--I know this sounds selfish and vindictive--don't do it for his sake, and more importantly, DON'T do it for your sake. Ignore it.

He's into control. He's left you in terrible discomfort. He never gave you real closure.

Don't respond to him. Leave HIM in discomfort and take care of yourself. It's time for the little boy taste the bitter medicine, without the spoonful of sugar to make it go down in the most delightful way.

loveofmylife's picture

funny

July 31, 2010 - 9:12pm — loveofmylife

yes, bitter medicine with no sugar is what he needs.

better off's picture

Too bad, so sad

July 31, 2010 - 8:56pm — better off

Wow, I think he is really violating your boundaries!!â„¢

A big fan of loop closure? Too bad, so sad, asshole. You asked repeatedly for the opportunity for loop closure and he refused to give it to you. Now he's a fan of it?

OF COURSE you have the RIGHT to be angry! I'm glad you are finally feeling some anger because it means you are seeing clearly. Yes, he is still trying to tell you what to do. That takes an unbelievable amount of nerve. Or just a narcissistic amount.

Oh, contact this headhunter for me... F**K YOU. And the horse you rode in on.

loveofmylife's picture

betteroff

July 31, 2010 - 9:06pm — loveofmylife

did you ask KeN for permission to use Violating Your Boundariesâ„¢ because now after I have met "Bad Man" and he was actually quite a nice guy....I'm afraid that KeN is legal suit happy and may come after both of us for slandering him and for me telling him he was "hot" (which according to him could be considered sexual harassment)..... oh yeah...but it would be very hard for him in court given that I could talk about all of the romantic dinners, the hugs, the kisses, the him telling me I'm beautiful, and him brushing up against me everytime we passed in the hall, and the constantly closing of my office door and flirting with me.... but I guess that those things don't count in his twisted narc little mind. Because the rules and boundaries always change to fit his mood and Barbie status at the moment.

MovinOnUp's picture

LoveofMyLife

July 31, 2010 - 8:21pm — MovinOnUp

I think the first contact after thirty days of NC would probably rattle all of our cages somehow, but a cold one telling me what to do would probably make me angry too.

And I don't know what this head hunter has to do with you both, but everything I've heard about IvyN would immediately lead me to believe this contact is more important for him than you.

My answer to your last three questions would be yes, yes, and yes.

Don't beat yourself up or question your anger, LoveOfMyLife. You're only thirty days out of a long term relationship and IMHO letting the anger surface can only help you to not fall back in.

Just don't let him know you're angry. Because you're indifferent to this guy. lol Congratulations on thirty days no contact!

loveofmylife's picture

yes, you are right

July 31, 2010 - 8:56pm — loveofmylife

Is is all about him again...suprise, suprise.

I guess this is what makes me mad:

1. He denies me the decency of having a conversation to come to terms with the end of our relationship.

2. NC for 30 days, and the email I get is one that is so unimportant.

3. He knows I'm busy, so the email was not to help me in any way.

4. This is a headhunter that is helping IvyN get a job right now (gee....now that Soulmate/CEO Barbie is out of the picture - it is damn hard to find a job in this economy).

5. So the real reason for the contact is this. Once again, he always needs to appear to be the nice/helpful guy even to a person he doesn't really know (helldweller's issue). He is HELPING this POOR HEADHUNTER that HE DOESN'T REALLY KNOW GET MORE WORK FROM ME!!!!!!! TO MAKE HIMSELF LOOK BETTER IN THE EYES OF THE HEADHUNTER!!!! What a nice, nice thing to ask me to do after he basically said I wasn't worth a 5 minute talk to come to terms with ending a 23 year relationship! And I think he does still want to feel that he has some level of control/power over me to where he just needs to ask me to do something and I will say "how high?"""""

6. And what totally pisses me off is that now I realize that about 2 months ago, when he called me on the weekend and talked to me for over 1 hour (one of those happy, laughing, "heartfelt" conversations) ... asking me "if you had a magic wand and could bring anyone you wanted into your company - who would you bring in? " And I thought he was calling just to talk and help me and to get me to think on a higher level (which he is very good at)...but now I realize he called me to find out my needs to pass them off to this headhunter so that he could also look better in the eyes of the headhunter. Of course, this conversation was sprinkled with him asking about various things in my private life - so I thought he was trying to mend things with me.

What a fuc*ing, manipulative, user, bastard, always-the-nice-guy-to-everyone-he-is-trying-to-get-something-from.

I hope it takes him another year to find employment!

Susan32's picture

Wow... what nerve...(of him, NOT YOU)

July 31, 2010 - 9:10pm — Susan32

That DOES take lots of nerve. That's why I got out of Dodge, after my ex-Psychopath professor sabotaged my teaching job, with false allegations of me being a "danger to children." I'm pretty sure he was behind it. It was a desperate way to get attention. I gave him the distance he ALWAYS wanted (and he knew I was doing it for the girlfriend, NOT him) I got immersed in the teaching. Then he pulled THAT. I'm sure he did his sob story of "she hit on me, she has know sense of boundaries. she won't have any boundaries with the innocent children"--and that's why I got the late night call. Luckily, I got a good teaching job in another state. And that's why I NEVER used my ex-P as a reference ever again. How the Devil got tenure I don't know. After 4 years of support and encouragement from me... he pulled that. Very cold.

"He denied me the decency of a conversation of the ending of our relationship"-He definitely did. He can't face real life. You're a person with real emotions, needs&desires of his own--and he can't face that. My ex-P refused to talk about the fiancee, claiming I was "imposing" on him, violating him--instead of doing the ADULT thing of "I found a serious girlfriend" and having us part amicably. As my therapist said, he could've gotten married, we could've remained friends... and he sabotaged even that. It's a way of saying "you're worthless"--which you're not.

"He just needs me to ask how 'high'"-DON'T do it. For your sake. It's traumatizing YOU. He didn't help you when he needed it. Let him eat your dust. YOU come first. He treated you like dirt, ignored your needs--it's about time he got karma served to him coldly on a plate.

Don't give him anything. He doesn't deserve it.

almostlydia's picture

loveofmylife

July 31, 2010 - 9:05pm — almostlydia

all of those things plus the enjoyment of twisting that knife in your back to see if you will scream. Don't give him the satisfaction.

or - again- 'you want fries with that?':)