That is so validating. When I was with my ex-P professor, I never felt comfortable with him. My body would instinctively tense up. My body would say one thing, and somehow I convinced my conscious mind that he was OK and looking out for my best interests. He'd say "you're defending yourself" (as if it were a bad thing) and that I was using "defense mechanisms." Well, in retrospect, I was defending myself from an emotional predator (at an unconscious level)

His constant negativity and criticism... I sure don't miss that.

As I told my mother at the beginning, it's really odd dealing with a man who can't take criticism, yet has no opinions/beliefs of his own.

Why would a man be unable to take criticism, when he didn't have his own beliefs to defend?

I just posted something about the lack of a sense of humor on a different post. At first, it's difficult to just choose what you like because the darn N is still circulating in your head. The things I did or said while with the N were completely based on what I thought his reaction would be. I was never looking for niceties when I thought of what he would do, I was making sure I avoided his nastiness. I did not want to rock the boat and it encompassed everything I did.

When I was two weeks away from leaving the marital home I went shopping. I chose colorful paints, furniture, and artwork. ALL of it he never would have liked, but these things and the colors were me and my home feels like MY home.

Good luck with the boat. I am quite sure when you are finished you will be skipping around with a big smile on just loving what you've done.

I'm sorry, that last remark was just a very late night joke because we do need the business. But I know exactly what you mean. He chose the area that he could attack successfully and did so. Mine couldn't attack me in that place because I was way to confident in my taste and they were so superior to his he didn't have a chance. But he did find other areas, my body, my age, what all the drinking because of him was doing to my skin etc... he would just make these small gestures or comment during sex as to 'what areas I should be working out more' when I took my clothes off. So I quit taking my clothes off in front of him from that point on. This came after I had dropped 3 sizes to a unnatural size for me -less than a 4- from all the stress of dealing with his 'secret life'. My face was drawn in and aged looking and all my bones were sticking out. So when I began to put some weight back on and fill my face out again, he began to make his subtle but deathly comments that made me completely self conscientious about myself.

He couldn't get me on the taste department but he could kill me on being comfortable with my body. Ironically it was because of him that I was doing so much damage to myself physically.

My original post is still what I would advise - surround yourself in the things that you love and fu*k anyone else's opinion. You're the one that lives there. You will be happy with the things you love.

i relized after a while, if he would say do you like such and such, if i said no, he said i love it , if i said yes he said he hated it, so i began saying i didnt like so, when i realy did, and then saying i did like so anso when realy i didnt ,so in away we ended up on the same page lol, funny thing tho, when i was drawing away from him,he went the other way, when i said one day ,i didnt like a movie star he realy liked, he said no i dont like him anymore b/c i so respect your judgement, vomit ,vomit.good luck with your narrow boat scoop, my cousion had one i realy loved it, and biegn on the water, if i had ever told n that, he would of hated water i suppose, EVEN THO HE THOUGHT HE COULD WALK ON IT, lol

My ex-P CONSTANTLY criticized how I couldn't "manage my feelings",the way I ate, my friends, my family, my religion... but there was ONE thing he NEVER criticized.

He'd be in personal attack mode... but the one thing he didn't criticize was my writing. Very weird.

Could be seen as withholding/flattery/stonewalling, wouldn't it?

" anything I'd look at would be evaluated not on what I liked but what the exN might like."

Same here! Every article of clothing, down to the underwear! It's crazy - but it is part of the gaslighting process I think. The like to make us dependent on them for everything. :(

My exN was doing the same things. When I was eating something, he was telling me: you'll eat all that? I didn't know you can eat such a big portion. How can you drink that?
You come a cropper all the time, honey.
Your nails are strange.
How can you watch that?
When I was angry because of his comments, he looked satisfied and was telling me: it was just a joke. I'm joking. If you want me to stop, just tell me.It's only my sense of humor.When I wasn't angry, he was asking: why aren't you mad. I like so much when you get mad.

When I went NC one of the most horrible things was that I didn't even know who I am and what I like. sometimes I still don't know it. I was listening to the radio station which he liked. He was claiming to likejazz and rock but he didn't know the most famous jazz and rock songs. One day I went to the bookstore to choose a book for me and I bought a book of his favourite author. I even started reading it but I stopped completely terrified.

There is also one thing. I don't know if it hapenned to you or not. When I met him I loved many things: I was keen on cinema, film festivals, dance classes and he took it from me.He knew nothing about it and as I loved him I wanted to show him the things I liked.I remember that I wanted to go with him to the dance classes in couples. He went on his own.Without me.When I told him how I felt because of that, he was furious.
It's been a year since I've seen him the last time and I still can't start my dance classes.