I think it is natural to seek out all the "whys" and "wherefor". We want to understand ourselves and why we did what we did. The goal of this "wondering" is to prevent it from happening again. We go through the exact same kind of thinking with any mistake we make.

The conclusions we come to CANNOT be made in to Gospels. Each person finds a unique solution, and has no business telling anyone else that they must come to that same conclusion about themselves.

It's an identical process we all go through, but the results are as unique as each human being is unique.

The milestones we reach are the same milestones but they occur at different times and manifest in different ways for each person on the journey :) "One size fits all" is pretty damn stupid, IMHO. And destructive. And controlling.

The previous moderator had issues with imposing the "one size fits all", and I've seen it on other support forums too. People who need the support like they need water and sunshine are cast aside and re-abused.

What we were before the advent of the Narc is not near as important as what we become afterward, just like Awayfromhim says. It is useful information, and ours to figure out, ours to own. I think sometimes people are uncomfortable with what they find when they take a long look at themselves and when they see it in others, they want to squash it like a bug. Like THAT will make their own discomfort go away, yikes!!

We each have an amazing, unique story :) We ought to share them like stories told around a campfire, not like some kind of stone tablet come off the mountain.

I agree with you. There isn't a specific "type." Anyone can be targeted, depending on the whim of the N at the time. This is what they do. They are always scanning for supply, we already know this. When they do find it, they "compartmentalize" (emphasis on MENTAL) or categorize it. (I realize its rude to refer to folks as "it" but that's only to make it clear that people are only objects and sources, not human beings to a Narc). One supply source may be temporary, because they only have a limited amount, or only a specific thing that once is extracted, that target is no longer needed, then discarded. Another may have many, many things that a N needs to be King of the world, and he will stay with them for years, even decades to maintain that status. So, in short, everyone has something for a Narc. (Awww, isn't that special). It just depends on who is the most available and convenient for them at the time. They are people collectors, like stamp collectors. They will organize their collection by specs and qualities.
Some of us are just shallow, temporary needs to them, like sex, food, money, shelter, a date they can take to a wedding so they don't seem so pathetic while they are scoping other supply, etc. Then there are those of us who are much more. We are found to be so valuable, so chock-full of bountiful supply that we possibly become their mates and wives, and years of hell ensue. If you fell into the first category, then I do feel for you, being used hurts, and it sucks. But if, like myself, you fell into the second category, then I really feel for you. Rest assured that you will always be seen in the back of their minds as potential supply even when you have been NC for a very long time. Narcs always think they have the right to own you from day one. It would not be so far-fetched to believe that one day, if the cards fell just right (or, horribly wrong, depending on how you look at it)and my ex-N lost everything he worked so hard to con others for, that he might just search me out and try to hoover me in some fashion. Because I WAS the long term dependable supply that he lost. Yes, it would have to be a desperate situation for him, but we all need to realize just how dangerous these guys are when they are desperate. They are capable of doing anything if pushed far enough.

This has ended up being a longer post than I intended, but my main point is that anybody can and will be targeted. Nobody holds a "special" place in an Narc's cold, artificial heart (we all know they were replaced sometime in early childhood). Sorry for yelling but, THEY DO NOT CHANGE! This is something that our newbie survivor sisters need to get once and for all. It needs to percolate into their minds, marinate, and integrate so that it becomes as common sense and common knowledge, like "never put your hand on a hot stove, duh."

I just want everyone here to know that I have the utmost compassion because I am too, a survivor. But if I say something that sounds harsh, its only because I am just passionate about things like self respect, NC, and maintaining a sense of shock and disgust about who N's are and what they do on a minute by minute basis, every damn day of their entire lives. That is the only way to stay out of crazyville.

LOL. I love this. Keep participating on this forum, and practising the tools, and you will get your growl back! You'll growl like you never did before too :D and it might take some getting used to.

I went through some stages in my own healing where I was pretty horrified at the vacillation of newbies, before they had their growl on. The truth was, I was pretty horrified with MYSELF and didn't want to "remember" how I vacillated, like, for years.

It was so painful, and I didn't want to be reminded of that pain. How weak and helpless I felt. It scared me :( I never want to go back there again, and when I saw newbies vacillating, it made me afraid I would go back there, could go back to that hopeless place again, at any time :(

I know better now . . . I know I won't go back there, I've changed too much. I have plenty of shortcomings otherwise, believe me. But that's not one of them.

It's the promise that if you keep your eye on the goal, use the tools you're learning here, you WILL stop vacillating between strong and weak. It takes time and work. The only difference between me and a vacillating newbie is time and work. Not strength or intelligence or being "special". It is time and work, period.

totally agree with what you wrote, hitandtrun

In the short film "I, Psychopath" Robert Hare talks about how psychopaths can see a "victim" by the way they walk. They shot four or five people, one a victim of rape, walking down a long corridor. The psychopath(s) were told to pick out who they thought was a victim. They picked out one of the women and they were right!! She walked disjointedly, her legs and arms did not fall into synchronous rhythm as she strolled. That was the only thing *I* could see. Believe me, I march out to my car afterwork like a damn robot now LOL!!

I think it was Klarity Bell who said that most Ns are "lazy" and prefer victims with whom they can conquer fairly easity.

A strong, confident and capable woman can still have a glitch that causes her to stick around for "more" until she is reduced by the Narc. What is it about that woman that causes her to stick around past the first red flag? It's NOT her intelligence, educational level, inherent knowledge about abuse. It is her conditioning (probably, this is my best guess). She is still somehow vulnerable.

My exN was not attracted to woman-losers at all. He used them for sex and attention, but what he wanted as primary supply was someone that made him look good.

I do believe the Narc-losers drop out of the race when they know you are impervious. And it ain't so much that THEY know you are impervious. It's that YOU know you are.

I think Narcs throw shit to see who it sticks too. And they approach the sticky women and feel them out.

They drop out of the race because they are more interested in the sticky women, NOT because they are scared off by our Teflon lol. We just won't register on their infernal radar!

Briseis, your 2 cents is always worth a million bucks. Thanks for posting your hard-won wisdom.

It really is about tolerance. Regarding the original post, I think we can all agree that positive and healing posts are very refreshing, especially considering that they were not encouraged on this message board up until about a month ago. I had become very turned off by the board.

Bashing, exposing, sharing Facebook pages of our narcs was totally unproductive and keeps a person in the negative quagmire, focused on the N. It is so very true that we must work towards putting the focus back onto ourselves. I know that I made great strides once I did that. But I do think that in the early stages, commiserating can be healing. One can say, "Wow! Your narc did that too? So I WASN'T crazy or imagining it!!!" There is just so much to make sense of.
If it's been years and someone hasn't been able to take the focus off of the N and put the focus back onto themselves, then it's unfortunate. But it still needs to be tolerated. Or simply ignored if it's bothersome. There were posts in the past that bothered me greatly. They are no longer happening, but if they were, I would just ignore them. As they say in 12-step programs, take what you like and leave the rest.
Wishing positivity and healing to all, at your own pace.