I’ll begin my story 11 years ago, in 1999, during my last year of college. Things were perfect. I was doing well in school, I had lots of friends… I was beautiful, thin and confident. I had only encountered nice guys at that point that always treated me with kindness and respect. Then one night, I was date raped. Everything faded to black. I remember walking out of his house, driving home and sitting in my car for 2 hours in a daze.

The next day is when I started binge eating. For some reason, food helped me escape my pain. I remember driving to Wendy’s and ordering practically everything on the menu, under the guise that I was ordering for a bunch of friends. It was all for me. As time passed, I started getting heavier and more reclusive. My clothes stopped fitting, I stopped going out… I started losing friends. Somehow I managed to keep my grades at a passing level. I kept everything inside and never told anyone. Everyday, I put on a show for my family and what few friends I had left. I just couldn’t bring myself to tell anyone. I was ashamed, because I had been drinking that night and I feared they would blame me (even though deep down I knew they probably wouldn’t). I just couldn’t take the chance. Today, I really wish I had reached out for help.

The next 9 years were a living hell. I moved close to my family when I graduated, and started my career. At that point, my binge eating had resulted in a weight gain of a little over 100 pounds. I was absolutely miserable. I hated being looked at… I felt damaged and disgusting. My social life was pretty much non-existent because I pushed everyone away. I can’t even fully describe what a sad, dark place I was in then.

Then, in 2007 I got sick. I was diagnosed with borderline diabetes (due to my weight) and had to start testing my blood sugar and taking medication. It was a swift kick in the ass. I actually feel grateful that I got sick, because it scared me enough to get me focused on losing weight. Over the course of a year, I lost every single pound I had put on. My blood sugar returned to normal levels, and I was able to stop testing and get off the pills. For the first time in a long time, I started feeling like myself again. I bought cute clothes… I reconnected with the friends I had pushed away… I started going out and having fun. Pretty soon, my social life was back in full swing.

That’s when I met my narc.

I met him through a mutual friend one night at a get-together at his house. He was the life of the party. He was just so… much… fun. I don’t know how else to describe it. The first time our eyes met it was electric, and it didn’t take us very long to go on our first date.

Eventually, I shared with him what had happened to me in college. He was the first person in 11 years that I had ever told. I think now that’s a big reason why I’m having such a hard time letting him go. He was very loving and understanding when I told him. I felt so safe.

Things were great… for about a month. Then, his narc side gradually started emerging. I started realizing he had a drinking and prescription drug problem. He would blow up at me over the smallest things, turn off his phones, throw things, leave me stranded in bars… you name it, he did it. If only I had paid attention. I clung to him like crazy glue, I think partly because I was so happy to finally be in a relationship after years of utter loneliness. And I was willing to put up with any behavior to be able to hang on to it. It felt so good to be “loved” again. Little did I know what “love” was going to be like with him.

I started becoming isolated from friends and family. Why? He didn’t like them. Especially my best friend. No one I introduced him to liked him… including my family. He was just so obnoxious all time. Completely off the wall behavior that would leave people (including me) going “What the hell just happened?” Over time, his obnoxious behavior took its toll on me.

I’ve shared the details of our relationship on this board, so I won’t go into them here. As many of you know, I put most of my weight back on from dealing with the emotional abuse. It’s how I’ve learned to deal with trauma, I suppose. And many of you know how at the end of our relationship, he loved to throw that in my face. It has been so hurtful, because here is someone I completely trusted… and shared my deepest, darkest secrets with… and he uses it as ammunition against me. He knows how sensitive I am about my weight. He knows what I’ve been through. I really just don’t understand how he could be so mean.

Fast forward to now... I’m NC and trying to recover. I’m going to lose this weight again and get back to the woman I used to be. I’ll just be older and wiser this time around. Since our breakup, I have told my closest friends and family about what happened in college. It feels good to get it out… everyone has been so supportive and understanding.

Now all of you know my story. Thanks for reading it :)