Byrde story

It's been a little over a year since we last saw each other. However, I only found this website a few months ago -- I think I would be further along in my healing if I had understood this sooner. Oh, well... I am now finally ready to share my story.

I was with the exN for a little over two years. I met him just as my mother was placed in hospice and given just a short time to live. He was so sweet and caring and gentle with my emotions, I was like finally a decent guy. I needed a decent guy as I was struggling so much with my mother’s illness.
I had several “red flags” in the beginning but chose to ignore them. He was recovering from the ending of his short, a couple of months, marriage ending. He played the distraught ex-spouse so well, I actually felt very sorry for him. However, I always thought that it was odd that he and his ex never spoke once she left – not one time.
We had a great first date then he went out of town for a few days. While gone, he sent me a text asking me to keep a specific weekend open the following month- so I did, not knowing why. I later learned that before we even had our second date he had bought us plane tickets to go away together for a long day weekend.
We began to date and he moved things along very quickly…3 months into the relationship I felt like we had been married for 3 years. He was sweet, charming, and we wanted the same things out of life – to find someone special, settle down and make a home. Over time things began to change, subtly of course. I describe it as one day things just changed -- a switch was turned off –- he no longer showed affection toward me, complimented me, paid attention to me, or had any interest in having sex with me. However, he always wanted me around. We did not live together, but I would stay at his house from Friday to Monday morning – he worked a lot but I would be there when he got home and we would hang out on the days he was off. Also, he was big on traveling so we continued to take trips together.
I began to question his actions and he always had an excuse. He had a face book account but didn’t want me to be his friend – so of course that made me quite concerned. Eventually we became friends and I was surprised he did have several pictures of us on there.
As I stated before, my mother was very ill and would have a few really good weeks then a few bad weeks. For many years, I could not figure out something about my dad, I always described it as he “just sucks the life out of you.” It was because of him that I moved away and did not move back home even when mom was so ill – mom totally understood why. Now I realize he too is a N. It was because of his selfishness – not taking mom’s health or anyone else’s opinion as to what was best for mom that my mother became so ill so quickly. She had her medical problems, but he certainly never put her needs and wants before his own.
So as I am dealing with this, I am looking at my ex and wondering how he would be in this situation – I came to realize that he wouldn’t be any different.
The final months were the breaking points…
My mother became totally incoherent and I had to rush home. Before I left I asked him if he would attend the funeral (if/when) it happened – his answer “I wouldn’t feel comfortable attending your mother’s funeral.” I was floored – granted it was out of town but he had his own business and made his own schedule. When he realized how hurt I was he said that he “would figure something out.” I flew home and he went out of town with friends. I called him one evening when I was in total need of a little emotional support; he did not answer nor return my text or call. When he did call the next day I was so upset and I told him so. He said that “he can’t deal with this now” and hung up then turned off his phone for the remainder of the trip. He sent me an email telling me how sorry he was for being so selfish but that he was trying to figure things out. We broke up but then got back together – it was really weird….. I told him that if he wanted me to stay in this relationship that he needed to get back into therapy. He agreed. When I asked him how it went, he said that she said he needed to be alone. So we broke up for good. He did the pull / push thing over the next couple of weeks until I cut off all contact. When I reiniated contact he seemed happy and wanted to spend time together. My mother passed away and he was really sweet – even though he did not attend the funeral and went on his already scheduled trip. Over the next couple of weeks we had dinner and hung out a few time, I figured he was dating others so there was no physical intimacy. He invited me over to his house for a party so I thought this was the turning point – he is telling his friends that I am back in his life. He left the next week for another trip – something changed. I couldn’t figure out what but I knew. When he got back I asked him if he was seeing someone and he said yes. He sent me an email saying that he knew I was ready to settle down and start a family and he is not. Then he quoted the “if you loving something set it free….” We did not speak, he sent me a text after my birthday (wishing me happy belated) I later learned that he sent this when he was on a trip with his girlfriend. I have since learned that his girlfriend went on that trip with him and they have been together ever since. I learned all of this because the face book privacy changed and I was able to see all his pics.
I was floored when I learned that he had taken another girl on that trip right after I had hung out with he and his friends – how could he do this. Especially knowing that I was in a fragile state, I had just lost my mother two months before.
We didn’t talk for another month or so then made contact again. He said he would like to see me and we should get together. Over the next 3 months he kept saying this but never followed through – but he made sure he called every week or so. I finally got fed up and sent him an email telling him that he is wanted to see me we would have already done so. That was the final straw.
He sent me an email several months later congratulating me on a game win, and I repsonded “thank-you.
I kept going to his facebook and seeing pictures of them and it hurt so bad. He never wanted to put pics of me on there but she is all over it. They have taken many trips together, some of the same ones we took. (He takes all the gf on the same trips and even will stay in the same hotels)
It’s been over a year and I feel like I am doing better but I still don’t get it. I have been in therapy but I feel like a failure, she says I should just move on. It is so hard, I think my feelings about the ex and my dad are so intertwined.
Also, my dad now has a girlfriend that is living with him (he too began dating her 4 months after my mother passed)
So I am left thinking, did dad ever really love my mom (they were married for over 35 years)? Did exBf ever really love me? I think the answer to those questions might be no.