Blaze's Story

The first time I met my former partner, he was quite impressive. He was a United States Marine, had been his high school's homecoming King; was a young activist and a bit of a trailblazer in advocating for racial integration at his own high school prom. He then went on to attend college on an athletic scholarship after serving as captain of his baseball team. He was used to being the best and a leader and seemed exceptionally humble about all of it.

When we met, he was stationed in Japan and called me everyday, then ultimately requested to be stationed stateside so he could visit me more often. He got along great with my family and was so helpful and attentive. He'd show up and rake my mother's yard while she was off at work. I'd send him out for groceries, he'd come back with them in addition to a single stem rose.
Yet when we grew closer and became more intimate, I noticed certain unsettling things about him that should have made me reconsider.

History with the Exes

He didn't have ONE nice thing to say about ANY of them, ...except for the one who had a 'great body'.
They had all told him to ‘f*ck off’ according to him.

Almost Surreal Lack of Empathy/Compassion

He once told me a fellow USMC recruit verbalized suicidal thoughts and his sincere reply as the squad leader was: 'I wish you'd hurry up and do it already!'

(Mind you, he'd already been psychiatrically hospitalized as an adolescent for his own suicide attempt unbeknownst to the MEPS of course.)

He relentlessly criticized his bunkmate in Iraq for 'popping pills like crazy' to cope with anxiety while on deployment.
(Mind you, his bunkmate’s MOS entailed literally being on the front lines, whereas his did not.)

His whole attitude regarding mental health and mortality just seemed appallingly judgmental, crude even hypocritical; and incredibly shortsighted.
I knew that these attitudes were largely held within the military because of how great the stigma attached to mental health issues is, but you have to understand, these barbaric attitudes contradicted those of the man presented to me.

It was so shocking, because I had always considered him to be a more understanding person...and he 'was', until he perceived you as crossing him or being weak.
Among other lovely discoveries, lied the silent treatments I’d earn at the slightest provocation.

My initial thought was ‘how childish, grow up already’, but instead I tried using tactics of persuasion hoping to avoid an argument…only for things to grow progressively worse.
It got to the point where anytime he sensed I had a desire to confide in him about my feelings about our relationship or really anything at all that wasn’t pleasing to him, he would give me this menacing glare and backhandedly threaten to break-up with me by claiming that my intent to discuss these issues somehow insinuated my desire to end the relationship.

Talk about baffling and nonsensical.

So, I thought, maybe I am being overly sensitive. Maybe I just need to sit on my hands about these things, because after all, he loves me and that’s all that really matters.

It shouldn’t bother me that I went out of my way trying to make all holidays especially memorable for him, while he showed up empty handed on my Birthday and Valentine’s Day after we’d already discussed exchanging gifts beforehand.

The fact that he finds our sex life gratifying and great while I’m left pining is really a minute detail.

I really shouldn’t take it to heart that after four or five months apart he approaches the door with all the enthusiasm of a hundred year old corpse while I’m excitedly toppling over myself welcoming him into a freshly cleaned and stocked household, with a hot homemade meal on the table after spending half the day at the hair and nail salons and the other half running errands, trying to make his homecoming as comfortable as possible.

The fact that I am expected to be an unfailingly supportive cheerleader for all of his professional and personal pursuits and accomplishments while he barely even acknowledges what I do for a living (let alone recognize my achievements or contributions), is a fact with which I should happily live.

My suggesting an acknowledgment of wrongdoing on both our parts as an attempt at reconciliation after a disagreement is complete lunacy…because there was no argument and nothing occurred which would merit admission of any wrongdoing and certainly nothing went on that would warrant an apology!

And if there actually was an argument, naturally I should assume all responsibility and fix it immediately.
These are not real concerns at all. The facts that my needs aren’t being met and I feel unappreciated are complete and utter figments of my ridiculously insane, wild imagination.

So I sat on my hands…kept quiet.

After all, he was in the military and couldn’t afford to be troubled by my needs.

I justified his behavior in my mind, trying to convince myself that his needs, his desires were more immediate and of greater value than mine largely because he wore a uniform and presumably had ‘bigger fish to fry’.

I didn’t want to be a burden. It wasn’t my place to nag. It was my place to support…not be supported.
This used to be my thinking. This was how far out of reality I had allowed his manipulation to take me.

Needless to say I had eventually fallen into a severe, deep depression. I was haunted with thoughts such as ‘Why am I not good enough? I’m overcompensating and I’m still not enough. He’s not reciprocating. He’s not even trying. Why am I not lovable? What is wrong with me? I must not be doing enough to earn his love.’

What I didn’t know then was that, though those of us who are romantically involved with service members indeed must be stronger, more resilient, and willing to sacrifice more than what’s usually required; and accept the fact that our loved one’s occupational duties will often take priority, it doesn’t mean that our needs as partners aren’t valuable and worthy of being acknowledged and even sometimes met.
It doesn’t mean that our identities as individuals should be disregarded.

It doesn’t mean our partner is exempt from showing us the gratitude and respect we’re worthy of.

It doesn’t mean that those of us back home are ‘rightfully’ made to shoulder the burdens of the relationship as well as our own, on our own, at all times.

A true partnership is symbiotic.

Reciprocity and humility lie within a true partnership.

It really hurt me when I discovered my partner truly resented me for having any opinions, thoughts or feelings of my own. I thought I had a partner in the actual sense of the word…I thought I was with someone who had my back…Someone who didn’t look at me with judging eyes, but truly desired to listen with an open mind and even offer encouraging words when they were needed.

This was not the case at all.

After months of bending over backwards, repressing my thoughts, my feelings and hiding the pain I was in and feeling like I ‘owed’ it to him to be a good, supportive partner and ‘behave’ exceptionally well, I was ‘thanked’ with hostile resentment, an immense guilt trip and left me with the most intense psychological pain I’ve ever experienced.

My former ‘partner’, who whenever I tried to confide in about any substantive matter responded to me in annoyance and essentially shoo-ed me away, who somehow could never spare me a compliment but delighted in all praise lavished upon him; who said he loved me all the time, but somehow forgot to send my Birthday present and never quite managed to take me out once in a while or plan anything special for me as a show of appreciation or heaven forbid an act of reciprocity;…my partner, who seemed hopelessly affectionate in public but was virtually physically absent behind closed doors, who denied reality in favor of his own alternate universe where he was truly a gift to me and deserving of all my attention and resources….was and undoubtedly is a Narcissist and therefore rendered psychologically incapable of entering and maintaining a mature, adult, loving and nurturing relationship.

I felt like a fool.

How could I blatantly resist my protective instincts in the name of saving a non –relationship?

How much could I have really loved myself if I allowed him to convince me that all of that was acceptable?

I watched my own mother sacrifice herself in the name of pleasing my step-father only for him to further disrespect and resent her and ultimately abandon her. ..

How could I so obviously become a product of my own environment?

These were the questions that lingered on in my mind for months before I came across the term narcissism and learned what I needed to effectively do to take the steps necessary to remove and prevent myself from getting into potentially toxic non-relationships…and I’m still learning.

I am determined to protect myself, my heart, my mind and spirit and even more so not to be victimized and certainly not to ever victimize.

Thank you for those of you who made it through my seemingly endless diatribe, lol.

I just needed to share and perhaps alleviate some of the guilt on the shoulders of some of the other significant others out there fighting themselves to be reliable for someone they can’t honestly depend on, in the name of remaining loyal and not letting down a service person.

For months, my role in this situation weighed heavily on my heart as a result of my former partner and I parting during his deployment and although parting ways was truly best, the timing made the decision enormously challenging to cope with. There was no family, no friends…no support system in place, just my instincts and what was left of my then shattered heart.

Again, thank all of you for allowing me to share and welcoming me to your site. I’m truly grateful outlets such as this exist.